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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be getting pissed off with patronising people re returning to work full time

104 replies

nightowlmostly · 07/02/2012 18:47

I was thinking about posting this thread the other day but got reminded by the one about the HV being all judgy abbout someone going back to work.

Basically, I earn about twice as much as my DH, so it makes sense for me to return to work full time after about 9 months off. Apart from that, he does all the cooking and therefore it is easier for him to do the shopping as well, so it makes sense in a few different ways. DH will go part time when I go back after xmas, so we will have our first xmas at home, all of us together. It seems right to go back to work then.

The thing that is bugging me is, a lot of the time when I mention this to anyone at work, they say something along the lines of, "Oh well, see how you feel when the time comes", or once there was the classic "But won't you find it hard leaving the baby with someone else, you're his mum!" even though he'll be with his dad!

It's just annoying, I don't believe that women are more cut out for child rearing than men, it's just the way society has been organised in the past. The way people are so patronising, suggesting that I will feel differently when the baby's here and I will want to stay home or at least work part time. Someone said maybe I would resent my DH getting to spend time with the DC while I'm at work, but I don't believe that just because I'm a woman I have the right to take that role if it is to the detriment of the family. Why wouldn't my Dh resent me if I was the one at home all day? I just get really frustrated with people's old fashioned ideas of what women and men should do, or what they will automatically want to do.

That turned into a bit of a rant, sorry! It is really getting wearing, people always assuming that I'll go part time, and seeming shocked when they find out different. I thought we'd all moved on!

OP posts:
ReduceRecycleRegift · 07/02/2012 19:17

and there's nothing sexist about saying that its hard for MOTHERS to be separated from baby at 9 months because at 9 months many mothers and babies are still PHYSICALLY connected through BFing - it is not the same thing for two people who have been PHYSICALLY connected and sort of one unit to be separated as it is for someone who is "just" emotionally connected.

and BTW I pretty much ate all my words from pregnancy about what I wanted post baby as soon as I popped him out!

Original poster
nightowlmostly · 07/02/2012 19:18

Obviously the early months are going to be more mum-centred, but when they are weaned I really don't think women are biologically better or worse than the father to do the bulk of the caring role.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 07/02/2012 19:19

You may be coming across as someone who is very cut and dried about it all and people are reminding you that there will be a real, live baby claiming a lot of your thoughts when the time comes to go back to work.

Having said that, I think it makes a huge difference to the factoring when you are able to leave the baby with your own DH or someone from the family.

And having said all that -- people shouldn't be judgey about whether mums work in or outside of the home.

LabMonkey · 07/02/2012 19:19

I had 6 months off then for financial reasons went back to work. DH then took 3 months paternity leave. 3 months after returning to work I'm still getting "it must be so hard to have to be back at work" and on his first day back all he got was "you must be glad to be back at work".

lukewarm · 07/02/2012 19:19

Ahem, hate to shatter your illusions gals, but there's every chance that after frazzled day of looking after baby, your dh will need you to cook dinner!

Northernlurker · 07/02/2012 19:19

People with children will always appear patronising to those whose dcs have not yet arrived because actually we do know more about how this feels for us. That doesn't mean we know how it will feel for you. I agree you are making a sensible and well thought out choice - just don't expect the fact that it is the right thing to do for your head make it easy on your heart. A mother's feelings for her child - especially when a young baby - can be very unpredictable and inconvenient Grin.

mathanxiety · 07/02/2012 19:20

It's not really a question of parental services delivered by whoever is the best able to either -- that sounds a bit cut and dried. No matter who goes back to work, the baby can't accompany them and that parent will miss the baby.

ReduceRecycleRegift · 07/02/2012 19:22

"but there's every chance that after frazzled day of looking after baby, your dh will need you to cook dinner"

yeah that! Grin you'll have had a break from the home and got to speak to other adults about non poo/weaning/teething things, the working parent should expect to come home to chaos at least some of the time and be required to put the kettle on and cook for parent who was home with teething/ill baby who wouldn't let go of home parent for long enough for them to take a piss all day!

Original poster
nightowlmostly · 07/02/2012 19:22

Exactly mathanxiety, that's why I feel these comments are sexist, because people would never make them to a new dad. Of course I will miss the baby, and I understand that I may feel it a wrench to go back to work, but he will be with his dad, and it's got to be done. My DH would miss the baby if it was him out at work all the time too!

OP posts:
Original poster
nightowlmostly · 07/02/2012 19:24

Ok, point taken about the dinner, I will endeavour to bring takeaway often! Can't cook, am terrible!

OP posts:
TheDetective · 07/02/2012 19:26

My DP doesn't care how bad the day is, he will always cook! He loves it, and he is awesome (when he doesn't tinker with the recipes grrr!) I have no worries!

Its the state of the house I have to be worried over Grin its like can't clean won't clean!

earthpixie · 07/02/2012 19:28

Don't worry; my DH was the SAHD and I returned to work when DS was 7 months. He's a delight. Fortunately I work in an environment with lots of working mums so didn't have to deal with m/any knee-jerk responses. I did miss DS but was busy and stimulated at work, while DH was knackered and semi-comatose when I got home!

ReduceRecycleRegift · 07/02/2012 19:29

To be honest OP, it's not really to do with sexism because when it comes to baby raising, WHATEVER route you take, with who works and how much, how you feed it, what you feed it, how you settle it, how much TV it watches, how you transport it.. lots of people will make "helpful" comments that will wind you up!

best develop a water off duck's back attitude now because it is never ending!

Oubliette0292 · 07/02/2012 19:31

YANBU - but I'm afraid it is just the way people think. My mum is still convinced that I should have given up work to look after our DC even though I earn much more than DH.

Oh - please remember that when you have been at work all day and your DH has been at home looking after DC, your DH will likely have been very busy and will appreciate you taking over for a bit so that he can have a break and a bit of time to himself :)

ReduceRecycleRegift · 07/02/2012 19:31

if you did give up work just as many people would think you were wrong!

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/02/2012 19:33

My FIL thinks I should have given up work totally forever, that we should only have one child, that I BF too long (1 year!), that children need a clip round the ear... and on and on.

LikeItsGolden · 07/02/2012 19:33

YABU (sort of)

You DONT know how you will feel. These people say it, in all likelihood, because they have been there.

Original poster
nightowlmostly · 07/02/2012 19:34

Yeah, I probably can't win, you're right. I started on MN just after we started TTC, and have been educated a lot on how people will make comments about everything. It started straight after I announced my PG, it's quite funny really. I will just have to get used to it I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
nightowlmostly · 07/02/2012 19:36

Likeitsgolden I don't mean to get snippy, but how many times do I have to say, it doesn't matter how I will feel about it at the time, it has to be done if we are to have any kind of decent roof over our heads. Why are some people finding that part so hard to understand?

OP posts:
Dozer · 07/02/2012 19:37

They ARE being sexist, because people don't make "small talk" comments like that to men.

ReduceRecycleRegift · 07/02/2012 19:39

yes, you do, but at the same time you DO need to try not to set things in stone.

from birth plans onwards, you just DO NOT KNOW!

I made the epic mistake of telling everyone NOT to visit in the first few days so that I had time to bond and settle... after 5 days being institutionalised in hospital I desperately needed people to just arrive and be there around me without being asked but most followed my request from pregnancy and waiting for a week or so. That taught me!

You just DON'T know what your needs or the baby's needs or indeed the father's needs will be, there is NO way of saying how it'll go. You might even find that your child is like mine and really craves other children's company from a young age and is a bit lost if not in nursery so you both work instead of your DC having a SAHP - could happen?

Dozer · 07/02/2012 19:39

Aaah, OP, don't you know the MN standard argument that finances shouldn't come before "precious moments" (unless benefits are required, in which case it's a different story!)

ReduceRecycleRegift · 07/02/2012 19:41

of course they make comments to the DHs, They just have less hormone swings around that time so deal with it better. My DH just took comments lightheartedly. He got comments about helping during the night etc

Dozer · 07/02/2012 19:41

I think the OP's partner is going to work part-time, not stay-at-home.

And the OP has been very clear that she is going to need to work FT for financial reasons.

Dozer · 07/02/2012 19:42

But do the men get comments implying that they will change their minds about working FT?

I think not.

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