to be getting pissed off with patronising people re returning to work full time

[nightowlmostly]

I was thinking about posting this thread the other day but got reminded by the one about the HV being all judgy abbout someone going back to work.

Basically, I earn about twice as much as my DH, so it makes sense for me to return to work full time after about 9 months off. Apart from that, he does all the cooking and therefore it is easier for him to do the shopping as well, so it makes sense in a few different ways. DH will go part time when I go back after xmas, so we will have our first xmas at home, all of us together. It seems right to go back to work then.

The thing that is bugging me is, a lot of the time when I mention this to anyone at work, they say something along the lines of, "Oh well, see how you feel when the time comes", or once there was the classic "But won't you find it hard leaving the baby with someone else, you're his mum!" even though he'll be with his dad!

It's just annoying, I don't believe that women are more cut out for child rearing than men, it's just the way society has been organised in the past. The way people are so patronising, suggesting that I will feel differently when the baby's here and I will want to stay home or at least work part time. Someone said maybe I would resent my DH getting to spend time with the DC while I'm at work, but I don't believe that just because I'm a woman I have the right to take that role if it is to the detriment of the family. Why wouldn't my Dh resent me if I was the one at home all day? I just get really frustrated with people's old fashioned ideas of what women and men should do, or what they will automatically want to do.

That turned into a bit of a rant, sorry! It is really getting wearing, people always assuming that I'll go part time, and seeming shocked when they find out different. I thought we'd all moved on!

Wasn't quite as surprising as it could have been, he's FromSomewhereElseI'mNotGoingToSayWhere and very patriarchal. I responded by asking him why he wasn't looking after his own son, instead of hanging around shooting the breeze with ex-colleagues. I think it made him think a bit.

What was really annoying, however, was the reaction of my (female) colleagues, who all heard this (one of them was pregnant at the time as well!). They all seemed to think it was just one of those daft things, that shouldn't have been challenged. You know? Like, "Oh, yes, that's X for you, he thinks differently cos he's from OtherPlace."

I just thought- well, that's fine, but here in the UK we have anti-discrimination legislation to deal with this sort of nonsense...why aren't you ladies supporting it then?

velma "The things that seemed absolutely essential pre-baby are now meaningless"

Well its good that it worked for you but the things that I considered essential pre baby are still the things I think essential post baby that my salary pays for - namely rent and food!

I find it annoying so many people here are coming on and trotting out the old "you wont know how you feel" line when the OP has stated clearly several times it doesnt matter how she feels - she has to return fulltime whether she likes it or not, so I dont think she is being defensive at all. And then people telling her it does matter..... - well feelings are important to process and toelrate obviosuly but if you dont have a choice but to retuern for financial reasions then it doesnt matter to the outcome.

MY DH was a SAHD Mon-Fri when I returned to work full time when DS3 was 7 months, and then he worked on a Saturday, he still does, It has worked for us, although now DS3 is 4 he has registered as a CM to try and get us some extra money and still be there for DS2 and DS3 when schools off etc.

Hes a brilliant SAHD and of course theres been moments I get upset about but at the end of the day I know Im doing my best for my family and we wouldnt survive without my wages.

I heard from my closest work mate that another colleague had expressed shock and surprise to her (but not to me) that I had returned to work full time. Other people always seem to know what's best for you or think that you will feel differently to the way you actually do. Like I said earlier I found the change from maternity leave to working full time, and leaving my son in childcare, quite stressful for a couple of weeks - there's no denying it can be - but in time it's all slotted into place nicely.

YANBU. This makes me crazy as well. In my case, it wasn?t work so much as they knew that I had to come back and that I was fairly driven, but everyone else making comments was annoying. I earn 5x DH salary . His pay does not even cover our mortgage. Not only is my job not possible to do part time (even flexible working is limited), but we need my full 5 day salary to get by. We?re not so rich that losing a bit of money can be replaced by tightening our belt. With the exception of Sky TV and our telephones, we don?t have luxuries and are not in a position to reduce our monthly budget very much.

But the number of people who just assumed that I would find it hard and I?d have to make a plan, was never ending. And what really wound me up was when one women who clearly has lots of money both from her and her DH being longstanding professionals in well paid industries and family money , said to me ?oh, when you go back you will feel differently about work and you know what, if you have to reduce your salary you just have to downsize, get a smaller house or whatever?. Umm, our house IS small. She is the one who lives in a 5 bedroom mansion with a swimming pool and a front room that is the size of our entire downstairs?!

I do find it hard not seeing DS during the week. Doesn?t mean that I can or want to work p/t. I?d like a bit more flexibility in terms of working hours, but to carry on earning what I currently do, I need to stay where I am, working five days a week. And that sadly includes the long hours. Once we?re a bit more stable financially, then we will look at a lower paid, more flexible working for me.

In the meantime, I will continue to get a bit shirty with people who assume that because I?m a women I am incapable of making emotionally difficult choices. No one has given DH a hard time for choosing to be a SAHD for a while, but at the same time, no one expected it either. He wouldn?t have had to justify his choice to stay at work, even though it was a job he hated and that was very badly paid.