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Original poster

How Important are Manners?

103 replies

bejeezus · 07/02/2012 13:21

I always instil in my DCs how important good manners are; always say please and thankyou; pardon not 'eh?'; wait your turn blah blah....alot of it involves, 'when you are at other peoples houses' rules i.e. dont ask for food (you can ask for a drink of water) eat what you are given/dont say 'yeuck, this is disgusting'...etc want to feel that my kids would be a pleasure to have as guests...

But it occured to me today that if a child is visiting our house, I dont care if they say please and thankyou as long as the tone and the intention is there ('please' and 'thankyou's can easily be delivered in a way which clearly shows the sentiment is false) and I would hate to think they would not ask me for food if they were hungry. I dont mind if they express what they think of my cooking...I quite enjoy their honesty and innocence in this way.

It also occured to me that 'manners' is not an attribute I look for as an adult in adult friends. In fact some of my friends are downright rude and I love 'em!

How important are manners?

OP posts:
ChaosTrulyReigns · 07/02/2012 13:24

Really just a lubricant to make relationships easier.

Original poster
bejeezus · 07/02/2012 13:24

ah yes, that is a good and true way of looking at it Grin

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Callisto · 07/02/2012 13:26

Depends how you define rude really, but I think it is my duty to ensure that DD knows how to behave when at a dinner party/interview/meeting the Queen. So I personally think that manners are important.

OTheHugeManatee · 07/02/2012 13:27

I find I set more and more stock by good manners as I get older.

Tortington · 07/02/2012 13:27

i think an ill mannered child is a reflection of their parent. It is illogical and plainly untrue as i have an ill mannered son who i wouldn't want to be around other human beings.

however it is what it is - they are by extension a reflection

OlympicEater · 07/02/2012 13:28

I think they are really important and I instill good manners into the DCs.

The feedback that I get from other parents is that they are a pleasure to have around, which means that they get invited to more things, so it is to their own advantage.

Similarly I have friends whose DCs are lacking in manners and I really don't find it a pleasure to have them, nor the DCs mannerless friends; whereas next week during half term I am looking after two DCs who are vaguely friendly with my DCs as they are no bother to have around, tidy up after themselves and have beautiful manners.

sunshineandbooks · 07/02/2012 13:29

Ooh tricky! I think you're right about the intention. I'm certainly not hung up about having please or thank you. "Ta, cheers, nice one" or variations on those, or even a nice big smile will do for me. Similarly, there is no need to say please if the tone of the voice naturally includes it, whereas someone can sound really demanding and rude even with the word please included.

That said, I'm quite strict about manners with my own DC and I can't abide rudeness. Bluntness/directness is fine and I quite like it, but that's different to rude I think. There's also intentional and unintentional rudeness...

I'm getting hopelessly bogged down overthinking this now. Grin

Kayano · 07/02/2012 13:30

How many threads are on here where the response is 'you/ he/ she/ they were very rude.'

I think that they are important but not on MN lol

5Foot5 · 07/02/2012 13:30

Well of course it is important to know and understand good manners. You say you have friends who are downright rude, but I bet that is only to people they know well isnt it? In a social situation where good manners would be more appropriate or someone could be hurt or offended by rudeness then I am guessing your friends might behave differently.

That's the thing really. If your children are brought up to know what good manners are and how and when to use them then they will not embarass themselves in a social situation when it matters.

CarrieAnnRegardless · 07/02/2012 13:32

Good manners are important, but even more important is the understanding behind them.
A child intoning 'thank you for having me' on the doorstep isn't half as good as getting them to think what and why they are saying: "thanks for the chicken nuggets and I had a great time" is way better!
Consideration for other people, and genuinely appreciating what people do, and understanding that is more important than manners.

But manners are a good starting point.

Original poster
bejeezus · 07/02/2012 13:32

yeah...me too sunshine! which is why I posted it!

I think there IS a fine line between directness and rudeness maybe

See..I dont mind having messy, loud, boisterous, direct kids round....I like that about kids. I dont want them to sit all quiet and polite

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flibbertywidget · 07/02/2012 13:33

I am with Othehugemanatee - I am a stickler for good manners (I am turning into my father), as I get older.

I had a long discussion about this the other day. my friend doesn't think it necessary that his daughter be reminded to say please or thank you. So his daughter never does. It irks me, when I do something for her or give her something, and there is never a please or thank you in return.

BTW - I do remember many eons ago, whilst running a restaurant in London, I had a number of spanish and italian waitresses working with me and they always said how polite the english were and how they never (spanish mainly) used please, it was a cultural thing.

However for me, please and thank you are free and I am very proud of my kids when they remember to use them, my DS sounds very cute when he says fang qu (he is 2)

valiumredhead · 07/02/2012 13:33

Tone is far more important than pleases and thank your imo.

Original poster
bejeezus · 07/02/2012 13:33

BUT...I would be mortified if my kids were messy/loud/boisterous/direct...because not everyone wants that in their house
maybe its about erring on the side of caution!

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Happyasapiginshite · 07/02/2012 13:35

I think it's important to teach them good manners so that they (hopefully) become automatic eventually. I teach in the school I attended as a child. We were always taught to stand back in doorways for adults to walk through first and the children are taught this even now. I confuse the kids though because I instinctively stand back when I come to doors always and they don't know what to do then Grin.

When I know kids well, it doesn't bother me if they're familiar with me and say 'yeuk, I hate this type of pizza' etc but if I don't know a child well, if it's only their first time in my house and that's how they behave, it does annoy me.

Manners=respect and that's what we're teaching our children.

Original poster
bejeezus · 07/02/2012 13:36

You say you have friends who are downright rude, but I bet that is only to people they know well isnt it? In a social situation where good manners would be more appropriate or someone could be hurt or offended by rudeness then I am guessing your friends might behave differently

not always 5feet Grin

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Pandemoniaa · 07/02/2012 13:36

I was an incredibly liberal parent. Except where manners were concerned.

So yes, they are important but I also agree that understanding the meaning behind them is crucial. It is all about consideration and appreciation and a heartfelt "that was absolutely brilliant!" is always better than a formal but insincere "thankyewforhavinme" repeated parrot fashion.

mrsjay · 07/02/2012 13:37

nothing wrong with a please thank you excuse me considering others feelings at any age , Manners costs nothing as my nana used to say, rude people get on my wick , I dont expect people to bow and scrape but rudeness and off handed ness isnt needed ,

PostBellumBugsy · 07/02/2012 13:40

I think it is important. Manners cost absolutely nothing & they make life more pleasant. However, the important thing about manners is the courtesy behind them. You don't have to be eloquent - it is about being thoughtful & considerate of others.
Rudeness & disgusting behaviour (particularly gross eating habits & snot sucking) offend me greatly!

Original poster
bejeezus · 07/02/2012 13:41

I know if my dd has had a REALLY good time at someones house because she will give them a massive hug and exclaim 'that was the best day EVER!' (and forget to say thank you!)

If its not so good, they will get 'thankyouverymuchforhavingme'

OP posts:
Original poster
bejeezus · 07/02/2012 13:42

oh, Pandemonium aready said that Blush

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onelittlefish · 07/02/2012 13:42

I am getting really fed up with the manners thing tbh. I always tell my DS to ask nicely - this morning in the playground of his own volition he said to a little girl "please can I share with you" and she threw sand in his face. The mother was just like - well she is terrible at sharing.

So much for manners. I can't see any immediate rewards for DS and I am starting to wonder why I am bothering.

mumbaisapphire · 07/02/2012 13:42

Manners are very important. I see what you are saying about a child, as it is very easy for them to genuinely forget, but I don't see anything wrong with gently reminding them. I think it's one of many important life skills we can give our children. Table manners - i.e. not eating with your mouth open, how to use a knife and fork properly are basics. You need to think about those manners and the various contexts that they will be used in when they are teenagers/young adults - imagine your son goes on a first date, starts eating like an animal in front of a girl he really likes. I would run a mile! Equally imagine he's eating with a prospective client or with work colleagues - it's not a good look! I would rather be remembered for how fantastically clever/funny/good-looking they thought I was, than be remembered because of how I ate.

minimisschief · 07/02/2012 13:42

well an example i would give is xmas day. Children do not thank anyone for their pressies but then they do not need to because you can see they are thankful with their presents.

I do not understand people who refuse a child a drink if they ask for one if they do not stick please at the end of it.

As long as you can see the person is grateful or are not being an arse then its good enough for me.

mrsjay · 07/02/2012 13:42

I agree with the sentiments behind manners Children need to realise why they have manners what it means to be considerate , adults who dont use manners are selfish and down right URGH ,