How Important are Manners?

[bejeezus]

I always instil in my DCs how important good manners are; always say please and thankyou; pardon not 'eh?'; wait your turn blah blah....alot of it involves, 'when you are at other peoples houses' rules i.e. dont ask for food (you can ask for a drink of water) eat what you are given/dont say 'yeuck, this is disgusting'...etc want to feel that my kids would be a pleasure to have as guests...

But it occured to me today that if a child is visiting our house, I dont care if they say please and thankyou as long as the tone and the intention is there ('please' and 'thankyou's can easily be delivered in a way which clearly shows the sentiment is false) and I would hate to think they would not ask me for food if they were hungry. I dont mind if they express what they think of my cooking...I quite enjoy their honesty and innocence in this way.

It also occured to me that 'manners' is not an attribute I look for as an adult in adult friends. In fact some of my friends are downright rude and I love 'em!

How important are manners?

PD I get up and down every 30 minutes or so though!!

On a total tangent, I glanced at this thread in my Active Convos just now and thought for a split second that it said 'How Important Are MNers?'.

Can't stand it when people don't say thank you for presents. Not the point but I still hold it against them.

PushyDad ....I think it was the stepson starting the internet site. I was just using that example to illustrate that some people do become slightly more fixated on the arcaneness of manners. I dont think it's rude if a man doesn't doff his hat at me in the street, but maybe if I was alive a hundred years ago this would have been viewed differently.

I dont want them to sit all quiet and polite - why not, sounds ideal .

I believe good manners are incredibly important, and I hope we have instilled this in my DS. I was incredibly proud (and sorry for boasting) when an elderly lady came up to me at a National Trust property and said how polite my DS had been, helping her assist her disabled DH and then chatting with them both.

I find good manners and treating people with respect make the world a much nicer place to live in - I wouldn't want to be friends with people who weren't particularly polite and in certain circumstances where you can't avoid them, ie: committees, it can make social interaction incredibly awkward and unpleasant.

Realise I sound like my mother .

Bad manners give a bad impression to people who do not know you - it may be that you care not a jot what other people think of you but I have been known to publicly comment on other people being rude and ill mannered and if my children are there I will make sure they know I disapprove of bad manners I am horribly english and passive aggressive so if some twat one pushes past us to get on the train or whatever first, I will say 'no please after you, I insist!'. I have created polite monsters - my children will publicly comment on other peoples manners now (along with dd1 constant commentary on what people look like or pointing out 'look a teenager' in an awed voice ...).

I insist on pleases and thank yous and also try to instill the reason behind the words why they should appreciate other people and the food on the table, the gifts they are given etc. and how by using these words they can show appreciation. Nowt wrong with that.

it can take a while for it to instill in them sometimes

I think that you just have to view it as a long term thing-it does become the norm eventually. I wouldn't labour it with a small DC e.g.if they won't say 'thank you' just say it for them rather than force it. It has a sort of drip drip effect and if you do it it becomes normal
I think that all adults should-I get very cross when a child holds open a door and an adult just sails through without even a smile-never mind a thank you-especially when you know the same adult would be the first to complain if they closed it in their face!

Manners are vital IMO

They are really important to the British.

I hate going to other places and making cultural adjustments to people who don't queue, spit in the street, openly touch me in a sexually curious way - it just doesn't come naturally to me and I have to work hard not to be automatically judgemental.

Toe manners are vital.
However I do agree that manners come in many forms - consideration, kindness, humility, appreciation
Not all about the magic word

Well, I don't care whether I know a child or not but if any child asks me for something, I stand and wait for a please. 100% of the time, the child knows why I'm waiting and comes out with, "Please." I hold onto whatever it is until I receive the "Thank you." Children know what's expected of them and they do know what they are supposed to say. or do I just live in the right place?

butterfly I would include enthusiasm on that list

I find it rude when kids come round to play or we take them out and they are barely interested- don't care how many times they say please and thank you

dickensia are you joking about living in the right place?

Manners are in the eye of the beholder. Some of the rudest, mean spirited children (and people) I know are great at saying please and thank you - posting thank you cards etc. For me, a kind heart, generous spirit, etc are way more important.

I can't bear it when children aren't taught table manners. I know too many 4/5 year old kids who can't seem to sit down and eat a meal nicely with a fork.
They get up, wander around, put food on the table and eat off there,show you all the food inside their mouths and leave bits of chewed up food on my living room floor.
It's gross.
One of my friends children does this at 4.5, and one day I will blow..!
The same child once told me off for talking at the table, and his mum just ignored it.
I think being rude to your parents friends is the absolute worst and if ds did this he would be in trouble!

manners are in the eye of the beholder

I really like that daytoday

Manners are critical; but I agree that there should be substance not just form.

if manners are about being considerate of others, then they are the most important thing to teach children. It can start with please and thank you when they learn to speak, but once kids can reason a bit more it should be about considering other people as well as ps and qs....

I used to do a probably very P A with children mine included a relatives children were the worst , anyway i used to smile and say loudly YOU ARE WELCOME if they didnt say thanks

I totally agree, OneLastSoul. I can't stand it when people say "I tell it like it is, me, and if people don't like it....well, that's their problem."

No it's your problem, you graceless oaf

Manners maketh the man and all that.

Oh yes, I agree with that!

'i just tell it like it is' gets on my nerves. Everyone's reality is different

I think good manners are vitally important - but so too are an easy and pleasant temperament and genuine consideration for others. You can teach the former but the genuine niceness of a pleasant and considerate person is innate.

A genuinely pleasant and considerate person can learn good manners even if they are not instilled at home but it is harder for a naturally unpleasant and inconsiderate person to be likeable regardless of their well mannered veneer.

The link between manners and passive aggressive behaviour is interesting.

MIL and DH's ExW are both passive aggressive and DSS1 in particular displays traits of this but DH and I treat it just as we do bad manners. We always encourage the boys to be clear in their desires and refuse to respond to manipulation. So "I'm thirsty" is met with "that's interesting" but they have to say something like "Can I have a drink?" to get a drink.

It sounds petty for children but their mother and grandmother have never got what they've wanted from life because they've never asked for it and I loathe people that try to get me to offer what they want rather than asking.

Assertiveness is completely compatible with good manners.