How Important are Manners?

[bejeezus]

I always instil in my DCs how important good manners are; always say please and thankyou; pardon not 'eh?'; wait your turn blah blah....alot of it involves, 'when you are at other peoples houses' rules i.e. dont ask for food (you can ask for a drink of water) eat what you are given/dont say 'yeuck, this is disgusting'...etc want to feel that my kids would be a pleasure to have as guests...

But it occured to me today that if a child is visiting our house, I dont care if they say please and thankyou as long as the tone and the intention is there ('please' and 'thankyou's can easily be delivered in a way which clearly shows the sentiment is false) and I would hate to think they would not ask me for food if they were hungry. I dont mind if they express what they think of my cooking...I quite enjoy their honesty and innocence in this way.

It also occured to me that 'manners' is not an attribute I look for as an adult in adult friends. In fact some of my friends are downright rude and I love 'em!

How important are manners?

I hate rudeness. People who are rude often wear that as a badge of honour, as if it is brave and forthright. It isn't. It's just rude.

Manners oil the wheels but real manners are about trying to make others feel comfortable and considered.

I don't care about please and thank you per se, but I agree that sometimes people ask 'politely' or 'rudely' and it's got nothing to do with the words used.

I am a stickler for the food thing (with adult friends, I mean); as far as I'm concerned, if I cook food for you you eat it. No criticising, no asking if you could bring something different instead, no 'yuck' noises. I have experienced all of these from adults. They don't get invited to mine for food any more.

Children with good manners are delightful. Hopefully they then grow into polite and considerate adults.

I think they are extremely important.

People notice a polite child. As many say, it costs nothing. It is about respect and courtesy and personally I think it helps you get the best out of people. Nobody likes it when someone is rude to them do they?

I always look at it like this: no-one likes a rude bastard, who grunts and shoves and butts in and doesn't have the social graces, who chews with their mouth open and what have you. So it's your duty to teach your children to grow up to be likeable members of society that won't absolutely disgust their date/irritate their workmates/annoy their friends/horrifying their seniors in interviews and meetings.

Manners oil the wheels but real manners are about trying to make others feel comfortable and considered

thats a really good point

What Pag said....as I get older, I'm increasingly aware of how important ingrained good manners are in daily life.

Of course I love it when other parents tell me how polite/well behaved my dcs are on playdates (who wouldn't?) but I feel its more about giving my dcs the tools they need to go out into the world....please and thank you are the top layer, but thinking about others, not being pushy, remembering to be appreciative etc are what its all about.

If anything, today's lower expectations (of both children and adults) means that a little polite behaviour can take you a very long way....

Children with good manners are delightful

ye sthey are, but children with bad manners arent always not delightful IMO

cant stand eating with your mouth open (kids and adults)

I disagree with you there bejeezus. There is "artlessly naive and honest" (which can be delightful) and then there is the child who hasn't been taught to behave properly, who pushes, demands, grabs and whines.

also..there is a cultural element isnt there?....

we often eat with our hands...and I have seen dd do this at other peoples houses, and had to explain not to

I think good manners are terribly important.
It doesn't cost anything at all to teach your child to be polite, courteous and considerate of others.

true ariel

My first question to DH regarding his kids was 'Do you and your ex insist they say please and thank you?'

For me it was the biggest indicator of what I was getting into. As it is my stepsons have nice manners and are lovely kids. I wouldn't have got involved with someone whose kids were rude.

but actually...how do you differentiate bad manners and badly behaved?
are they different?

a child can have good manners and be badly behaved/spiteful/selfish/unpleasant for example

and a child can have bad manners but be a joy?

wouldnt it be considered passive aggressive in an adult to be nasty but dress it up in 'good manners'?

they are the one and same I think bejeezus , Imo manners isnt just about saying please and thank you like others have said and somebody said it can be about tone of voice or a pushy manner , If 1 of my children was rude to somebody on purpose then its bad behaviour , if they snatched a toy then thats rude , thats how i always called it when mine were small , worked out ok for me as i have an adult child and a teen and they have good manners , wel on most days because they are human after all

I think tone of voice/expression on face is more important than actual words used.

I had to tell a child off (not mine) recently who spat at me "CAN I have SOMETHING to eat PLEASE?!" and I wouldn't hang out with an adult who talks to me like that either.

I'm incredibly laid back but a stickler for manners.

Manners are about being aware of how your behaviour and actions impact on other people.

So eating with your mouth open - in the grand scheme of things it means nothing. But it is disgusting to watch someone's partially masticated food dropping out of their mouth.

Saying thank you when you are given something/for a nice time/when someone treats you - is a way of acknowledging the effort and thoughtfulness of another person and demonstrating that you appreciated it.

That sort of thing.

i find it very iratating when i have taught my child good manners then you here teenagers swearing on the bus. my dd is very weary of teenagers and thinks this is how they behave, i do tell her not all teenagers are like that there are some out there who are polite, manners are very inportant it reflects on how we look at a person.

my dd is always very quick and very VOCAL to pick other people up for chewing with their mouths open

is this good manners on her part though?? I usually try and shush her up but shes right!

I took my father on a coach tour once. My mother isn't one for touring holidays and my dad always wanted to do one of those 7 European countries in 5 days tours :)

Anyway, one evening we were seated for dinner when two 50 something women (sisters/friends?) from the tour group asked if they could take the spare seats at the table. I said sure. When they sat down one of them said that gentlemen normally stand when ladies are being seated. WTF! Needless to say, dinnertime conversation was very stilted thereafter.

Apart from 'thanks' and 'please' I don't expect much from those around me. MrsPD certainly didn't expect a lecture about how it was good manners to send a 'thank you for your presents' note to the parents whose children attended our then 7yr old birthday party.

I've always thought it was bad manners to tell other people they had bad manners.

Bejeezus I never got that thing about well mannered adults being PA (I've heard it said a few times on MN)

I remember one thread where a woman was saying she knew perfectly well her SIL (or whoever) despised her, and yet she (the SIL) was always polite, thanked her for gifts etc., was never openly rude.

Everyone said that was classic passive agressive behaviour Er, so the only right thing to do is be openly rude to anyone you don't like, or it's PA?! I don't get it.

Sorry, slighy tangent there. Been bugging me for months, obviously