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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be a bit peeved about DH taking a day off work for his best mate's bday?

111 replies

RubyWho · 06/02/2012 19:59

I probably am, but thought I'd Ask Mumsnet anyway.
DH is taking a day off this week for his best friend's birthday. Aw, lovely.
But...he didn't bother to do this with mine, even though I asked him (had a 5wk old DD and 19mo old DS at the time and some help would have been nice...)
He's pretty busy at work atm and is working late all this week to be able to take the time off.

I think I am probably really jealous. There is an evening do too, haven't been invited as I am "tied to the baby". (frIend's words, not mine)

OP posts:
SarahBumBarer · 07/02/2012 12:14

Oh FFS this whole babysitting thing again. It is a ridiculous MN "thing". It is a phrase to denote one parent looking after the kids while the other parent has some "me" time. I wish people would get over objecting to the use of this word. Most of us who use it do so for ease and it does not import any kind of gratitude towards the "babysitter" for taking care of their own kids. [grump]

OP - YANBU to be hurt and perhaps to want an explanation for DH's actions and refusal to take the day off on your birthday but I think PD has offered some reasonable throughts as to why your DH may have acted the way he did and what his thought processes may have been. You are saying he is generally a very nice reasonable guy so I would tend to think that if you are right there has to have been some logic/reason to his decisions - it just may not have factored in appropriately your emotions and tiredness. I too say a bit of slack cutting is needed.

Gribble · 07/02/2012 12:25

Sarah, chill out, I dont like parents saying they babysit their own kids, no need for a hissy fit over it.

Weasleyismyking · 07/02/2012 12:41

She did ask him his reasons for not doing the same for her birthday, he said because they couldn't do anything anyway because of the kids!
he is now a family man! They could have spent the day as a family. They could have gone out somewhere or stayed in. Either way it IS doing something.
if he'd have done that, the OP probably would have no problem at all and this thread wouldn't exist.

Squitten · 07/02/2012 12:46

So what are you suggesting PushyDad? That because the OP didn't want to go bungee-jumping off a cliff, it wasn't worth her husband's time?

If she wanted him to look after the kids so she could have a rest on her birthday, what on earth is wrong with that?? Maybe her husband could have engaged his pea-brain for long enough to plan something nice for them to do. But no - apparently, that kind of consideration is only worthwhile for his bestest friend and not the mother of his kids.

OP - he's a twat

AnyFucker · 07/02/2012 14:22

I think the Op's partner, and some other people on this thread, are suggesting that a man's leisure time is more important, and of higher priority, than a woman's

and that a woman's right to fair and equitable division of leisure time scales downward in direct proportion to her being married, and having children

unless you agree with that, you will have a problem with this man's apparent selfishness and entitlement

PushyDad · 07/02/2012 14:31

Squitten - The OP said that her DH had to work OT in order to take time off, whether it was for her or for his mate.

So, in order for DH to take time off on her birthday, to help her with the kids, she would have to look after the kids on her own the other evenings, in order for him to do the OT.

I guess others, apart from the OT, fail to see the lack of logic in that.

AnyFucker · 07/02/2012 14:36

PD, the "logic" is...is that he will do it for his mate, but not for his wife

the mate that is "weird" around her, and seems hell bent on excluding her from his quality time with her husband Hmm

hence...her only conclusion is that he values his mate more than his wife and kids

seems quite straightforward to me

AnyFucker · 07/02/2012 14:38

and in fact, PD, you are projecting your own working patterns on his

Op hasn't actually been that specific about why he has to work such long hours

he could just as easily be one of those selfish twats who actually "works" ie. pisses around doing very little, so all the shitwork (teatime, bath time, bed time, clearing up etc) is actually done by the time he gets home

Squitten · 07/02/2012 14:41

PushyDad - so in order to take a day off for his best mate, he's also had to work OT. Which means that OP has had to handle the kids on her own for all those evenings and is getting precisely nil in benefit for it!

No wonder she feels undervalued....

PushyDad · 07/02/2012 14:41

Selfishness??? From the sound of things DH is running just to keep up job-wise. And I don't hear the OP complaining that he doesn't do his share the rest of the time when its not her birthday.

As a lawyer would say, there facts here that are not in evidence. The OP is saying that she hasn't gone out with her girlfriends in yonks. Why is that? Won't DH take care of the children while she goes out (notice the careful avoidance of the word 'babysitting' :o [the things bored housewives find to get their knickers in a twist about]) Is it because she doesn't have any girlfriends and her life revolve around DH and DCs?

A large number of posters are dumping on DH and they don't even know all the facts.

AnyFucker · 07/02/2012 14:44

PD, the vast majority of people who post on MN are not "bored housewives"

you are still posting on this thread, right ?

PushyDad · 07/02/2012 14:44

and in fact, PD, you are projecting your own working patterns on his ... he could just as easily be one of those selfish twats who actually "works" ie. pisses around doing very little, so all the shitwork

I just love it when posters accuse me of filling in the blanks and projecting. At which point they go on to fill in the blanks and project. :o

Yorkpud · 07/02/2012 14:47

YANBU - not only is he taking a day off for a friend when he wouldn't for you he is also working late all week so he can take the day off!!! I think it is unfair.

PushyDad · 07/02/2012 14:47

PD, the vast majority of people who post on MN are not "bored housewives". you are still posting on this thread, right ?

That is because I am a bored office worker. The boss knows I have nothing to do but as long as I am not chatting on the phone or surfing gadget sites then he is ok with it. From a distance MN's text only layout looks like a tech forum :o

AnyFucker · 07/02/2012 14:48

well, I dunno, PD

if the cap fits, 'n' all that

Agincourt · 07/02/2012 14:48

AnyFucker Mon 06-Feb-12 23:34:57
< looks at DH with renewed fondness >

I have to be honest, I was scrolling down the thread and thought exactly the same!

I am also of the thought that looking after children is a job even if you don't get paid for it and it's a bloody thankless one at times.

AnyFucker · 07/02/2012 14:51

I didn't ask why you were still posting on this thread, PD

I couldn't give one tiny shit

I simply pointed out that you were still here, along with all the "bored housewives"

so perhaps, your sweeping generalisation is very far from the truth

Gribble · 07/02/2012 14:51

PD your attitude stinks like a massive shit, "bored housewife" because I think its shite when Dads refer to looking after children as 'babysitting'? Get knotted.

LoonyRationalist · 07/02/2012 14:55

OP - your DH sounds tbh to be unsupportive & unappreciative of you in particular. He also doesn't sound like he is stepping up to the plate as a father. In our family we plan together what we are going to do with holiday - this wouldn't mean that DH couldn't have time off to do something with a friend but it does mean that he wouldn't do it at the expense of neglecting his family. Remind us what are you getting out of this relationship?

LoonyRationalist · 07/02/2012 14:57

PD your attitude stinks but a word of advice, you'd better hope that your boss isn't on MN, or their partner because DH can spot it at 100 paces!!

speshulbroo · 07/02/2012 15:17

oh ruby that's a bit mean I don't blame you for being upset. Can you get some 'me time' on his next day off? I haven't read the whole thread but I'm guessing you will have serious words? I wouldn't blame you for being tearful but maybe try and state your case dry-eyed and ask him to put himself in your shoes. Meanie! X

Weasleyismyking · 07/02/2012 15:24

AF thanks for enunciating my thoughts better than I could.
PD what AF said! You are projecting, patronising and quite frankly being a moron. Told you AF said it better than I could be bothered to

speshulbroo · 07/02/2012 15:37

pd: why shouldn't op 'bitch to a bunch of strangers'? Can't she offload to anyone then? Sorry but it's an anonymous forum where people let off steam. she obviously isn't being heard at home & hasn't been out to let off steam since 2009. You're obviously the bored person, so unfulfilled by your job that you're skulking about on a site predominately used by women on a board where people come to be heard and on occasion get support to start improving their situation.
What s your motivation for being here? Want t be a bitch too?

DorothyGherkins · 07/02/2012 16:46

PushyDad - you re not RubyWho s husband making out he s busy in the office are you????

Chateauneuf · 07/02/2012 16:59

Bromance as affair cover-up? "I'm working late..." "I'm having the day off for friend's birthday..." Friend is aware of affair and thus feels awkward around OP knowing that he knows when she doesn't, hence weirdness...?

"I've got to tell you something?" = "Your DP's cheating on you"?

Or I am projecting wildly.

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