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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DH to ask his dad if he would consider lending us some money so we can afford the deposit on a house...?

276 replies

josben · 05/02/2012 21:42

hi, just wanted a general opinion on this... we are currently between houses (staying with my mum) and we probably need to borrow an extra £5,000 to afford a 4 bed house that we have seen in the town where we live.

But having paid off debts and moving expenses we are roughly £5,000 short of being able to afford a house we want... But DH does not want to ask his dad, and I can't ask my mum as she has no spare money...

I would rather not have to do it but if we don't I feel we will never find a house... we have been looking for 6 months!

We have never asked for or have been given any money from his dad before ...

OP posts:
Kayano · 05/02/2012 22:49

I admit I had help
From my parents but I didn't ask for it or expect it! It was a nice gesture much appreciated. If I didn't have it I would have moved somewhere smaller or not
Moved at all because you live within your means and wanting a big house isn't a good enough reason to get a big house...

constantly thinking 5 years ahead

thekidsrule · 05/02/2012 22:50

sory but you give your mum £200 a month to live at hers for 5 of you,you both work and you havent saved anything,i dont get that, never will you be in such a good saving position again i should imagine

i have 3dcs and i have a three bedroom house,do they really need there own rooms

believe you mean not everybody has rich parents,deposits paid for them,well not from my walk of life anyway

if you extend yourselves now in very tricky times how will you manage if rates rise,redundancy,cut hours,bigger house bigger bills

please think about it carefully

TopazMortmain · 05/02/2012 22:51

YABU to expect or want your FIL to subsidize your own financial mismanagement in a non-emergency situation.

olgaga · 05/02/2012 22:51

unfortunately their seems to be a bit of a shortage of houses round here

If that's the case then my guess is you are looking in a sought-after area which is too expensive to get what you want.

Like I said, you have to look in a cheaper area, or settle for a smaller house at this stage.

I'm not surprised your mum is getting a bit fed up! I expect this has gone on way longer than any of you anticipated, but it's a bit of a shame you haven't taken the opportunity to economise and save more.

Quattrocento · 05/02/2012 22:52

I agree with the consensus about not asking for money

My worry is that you can't afford the next house. Just thinking that you haven't saved a penny whilst living with your mother ... so, is there a danger that you're overstretching yourselves by mortgaging to the max?

TopazMortmain · 05/02/2012 22:52

Being given financial help and asking for it / expecting it are two different things OP

Original poster
josben · 05/02/2012 22:53

The other reason we moved is because we had horrible neighbours and it was making my DH ill with the stress so it wasn;t just because i wanted a 4 bed (although i do) We needed to get out of our house before - not a nice way to exist... (thats why we sold quick and intially moved in with my mum, thinking it would be easier to find somewhere.)
But I have had a reality check from your responses... its good.

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 05/02/2012 22:53

Oh, btw, no financial help from parents or inlaws to buy houses here. I might have liked the help in the early years, but it wasn't offered and I didn't ask ...

WorraLiberty · 05/02/2012 22:55

We didn't have help to buy our home

I'm the youngest of 5 kids and there's no way my parents could have afforded to help us all out.

They've helped us all out of some tight financial spots over the years, but not to the tune of 5k on something we don't even need.

EauDeLaPoisson · 05/02/2012 22:55

I WANT a 12 bed house with a swimming pool and dance studio.... Doesn't mean I expect the next available person with money to finance what I want in life!!

thekidsrule · 05/02/2012 22:56

no financial help here

live within your means,id like a conservatory but will not borrow for that,boring maybe but sensible

i do agree there seems a few MNers that have financial help whether with school fees or property,but MN is all walks of life and some are luckier than others,atleast if you have no help you will know you done that all yourself etc etc

marriedinwhite · 05/02/2012 22:59

If you are so extended to buy a house you cannot raise the extra £5k it will take to buy it, you can't afford it. Even if FIL gives you 5k how are you going to manage - the bigger the house the higher the costs of maintenance. If you are that stretched with 3 dc and something goes wrong how on earth will you cope. Three bed house with scope to extend in a few years if you need/want more space then.

Heswall · 05/02/2012 23:00

We've been lucky enough to be given £16k to finish our house off to get it up for sale but as it happens nobody wants to buy it so I guess we are reaping the benefits for now.

Anyway why shouldn't you ask parents to help you out ? I'd be cross if I found out my DC were paying interest on a loan or missing out on their dream house whilst I had the money sat in the bank.
It's no big deal they can only say no.

giraffes · 05/02/2012 23:01

ah OP I think there are some harsh replies on here. I think many people get a bit of help from parents in buying houses. But you do sound a little naive about spending money and budgeting and so on - if this is the house you really want, is there a way you could draw up a budget showing how you could pay back the 5000 and then ask your FIL for the loan of the money...doesn't sound all that grasping or terrible to me...

Original poster
josben · 05/02/2012 23:02

I have had no financial help before from my parents - i am aware how lucky that i am to have a fantastic mum that i get on with and who has put up with us for the past few months... That is worth more that any ££.

BUT if i happen to have money by some miracle when my kids are grown up and are married with kids i would love to be able to give them financial help towards eg. buying a house. I see no problem with that... Smile

OP posts:
Kayano · 05/02/2012 23:02

But ops husband doesn't want to ask for help Haswell and it's his dad!

SharkBite · 05/02/2012 23:03

You need to just negotiate hard on the price. As others have said, you are in a great position. My dsis offered £30k below asking price and was accepted and her buyer £20k. The estate agent is foregoing £5k of the fees just so the chain doesn't fall apart.

You are thinking about asking the wrong person to help fund your move - try the vendor or EA first......

Heswall · 05/02/2012 23:04

Well I don't see why he wouldn't but if the OP has a good enough relationship why shouldn't she ask, presumably she'll be paying it back too ?

Heswall · 05/02/2012 23:04

But yes yes to knocking the £5,000 off the asking price that is by far the better outcome.

EauDeLaPoisson · 05/02/2012 23:05

The problem is people thinking its their parents role in life to provide a house for them as grown ups. It's like another world on here at times

BIWI · 05/02/2012 23:07

Nope. No parental help here either. Bought my first place aged 21 with a friend, then moved into a flat on my own 3 years later. When DH and I bought our house 2 years later I had £25k as a deposit.

You sound like you expect other people to help you and you're not prepared to put any real effort into it yourself! How can you not have sorted out your finances over the last 6 months?

You also seem to be really over-stretching yourself to get the house you think you need, which is a very unwise idea in the current financial climate.

You need to revise your expectations and be much more realistic about what you can afford.

lollystix · 05/02/2012 23:07

Josben - I echo those with concerns about how you can afford this new house -£5k borrowed or not.

Have you worked out what your monthly mortgage will be? Is it much further off £420 a month? If you haven't been able to save at your mums and it is say £200-300 more in mortgage (not to mention increased council tax, bills etc), then where will that come from? Also interest rates are low - I take it you were planning on fixing I'd going to the max. And yes food does cost lots - we have 3 small DCs eating and the bills seen to go up each week but I can't see that changing.

Have you also thought that you child benefit could go too? (that's £200 a month you currently get that could be lost next year depending on your salaries).

TotemPole · 05/02/2012 23:08

If you really want a 4 bed, but go for a 3 bed you'll want to move again soon.

£420 outgoings plus groceries isn't that much out of two wages so, realistically, you should be able to save the £5k.

Sit down and go through all your finances. Keep spending diaries for a couple of weeks to find out where the leak is.

thekidsrule · 05/02/2012 23:11

i dont think it is right to ask for money

your dream,your responsibility to budget for that

what a very akward position to put your in-laws in,there position may not be to good

you even say you are not to good with money,how will you manage bigger outgoings with a bigger house

NoMoreMarbles · 05/02/2012 23:12

josben we live within our means. i meal plan and if we are saving, we have no treats like nights out etc. i use alot of vouchers etc you can find alot of these online. with such a small amount of money coming into our budget, it is very important to make sure we spend wisely or we would be in a deep hole.
i fear if you carry on along this road you may find yourself in a financial hole and believe me, it is not a nice feeling having to choose between heating your house and feeding your family (3 years ago DH was made redundant on NYE and was without work or benefits-self employed electrician- for 9 months- new, substantially lesser paid, permanent job started on 3/9/10- and we are slowly digging ourselves out 2-odd years laterHmm) what if something similar happens to your (or your DHs) job? what will you do then? there are not many jobs out there nowadays and no person is indispensable in employment so please live within your means too.