to think DH should keep mum on teachers' comments?

[insertclevernamehere]

DH and I disagree generally about how much to 'share' with the kids. I am trying to accept that we have different approaches and maybe settle for a happy medium...

He's just been to DSS's parent's night, and reported back to me what was said. No real surprises, although all a bit better than we'd feared!...DS has had some problems with marks and behaviour; we have been being a bit stricter on him with homework checks and less time on his games. The teachers mostly reported that he has shown improvement, in both marks and attitude, but that he could still do better and be more focussed. Several of them also commented that DS is a very nice kid. We are very pleased; I am pleased he's improved and think this means that what we have been doing is working!

Over dinner tonight, DH told DS (who is 14) all about his meetings with each teacher...and I mean, all about them. He told DS every positive thing the teachers said, and who said what. He also editorialised to say what he (DH) thinks of the teachers.

I think this was silly and hasn't made our job any easier...that these are private conversations with the parent(s) for a reason. That passing on the praise isn't really what the teachers intended - yes, wonderful to do it in a general way - "I'm proud of your improvement and pleased that your teachers had such good things to say" - but that is enough.

I should point out that DSS's immediate response was to assume that we would no longer be checking his homework every night, seeing as how he's doing so well now! I had to disabuse him of that notion, but I know we are going to get more opposition every time now. I'm also just generally slightly irritated with DH for oversharing.

Do you tell your kids the details of these sort of meetings? Am I in the minority here?

Is this your son, or your stepson?

I dont see what is wrong in telling them what the teachers have said about them, so long as it is true.

Why should praise not be passed on to him.. for gods sakes, kids need all the encouragement they can get, and if they think a teacher is pleased with them, and likes them, they are likely to work better for that teacher.

We actively encourage all students to be present at parents' evenings. It makes for a much more constructive meeting. I've worked in 3 schools and this has always been the same. I think it's quite odd to meet with parents alone.

TBH I think 14 is exactly the age to start treating them as more adult and not sheltering them from what goes on in the world. These were comments about him and the achievements he has made - why shouldn't he hear them?

I thought most schools like the children to be present at parents nights now to discuss their progress.

Education isn't something that's done to children, it's a partnership between parent child and school. Why on earth would you not want him to give your son positive feedback? I don't get it.

yABVU.

I tell them every detail, yes.

Also, my DS's senior school (he's in yr 8) positively encourage you to bring the child along.

The teachers actually address most of what they're saying to the pupil and this gives them the opportunity to speak up if they think what the teacher is saying isn't 100% right.

It's also quite encouraging to see the relationship they have with them.

At the school where I teach, students are expected to come along to parents' evenings and sit in on the meetings, it's great because there are no crossed wires, although sometimes the poor kids are ganged up on a bit . Even if the student wasn't there I wouldn't say anything that I didn't want the student to know.

It's important to balance out the shitty bits with a bit of a sweetener else the DC might feel whatever it is that parents and teachers want is unobtainable.

Surely him being specific with your DSS is good because he knows which direction he should be going as well as which not to go.

It's up to you and your DH to come to a compromise about how much you think should be shared with your DSS.

Just put your DSS right if he thinks he can slack off now someone's said something positive about him

I would tell everything. My children are currently in juniors but i tell them pretty much everything now too. I can't think of anything i've omitted tbh.

I think it's perfectly reasonable for him to hear of everything that's been said - indeed as others have said, in many schools he would have been encouraged to attend anyway. At 14 he needs to take feedback fully on board.

My parents told me everything that was said. After one my dad commented on 'I don't think she likes you very much'

To which I could then tell him I felt she picked in me. My dad and best friend made a plan to do our homework together and hand in the same piece of work...

I got a significantly worse mark than my bf

So next parents evening when she started saying I could do more etc he was able to tell her (and show her!) about the plan, how she was biased in her marking (of biology!!!) and how he was not going to pay any attention to her opinion.

it was great and she never singled me out again. All from open and honest reporting back x

YABU. Why on earth would you hide things?

At that age I took them with me. It was all about them so it was sensible that they were there to hear it direct rather than second hand. The school encouraged it.

Age 14, there is no reason not to say what was said, IMO.

The only parents evenings that my children haven't been to were in primary school. Once they reach 12/13, they are expected to be there. Much more constructive that way (and it has REALLY helped my son realise what he had to do, when every teacher was making similar observations. Work is improved as a direct result).

YABU and just daft.

Kayano, kudos to you, your friend and your Dad. Well done!

You're dad is just ace kanyo

We are not encouraged or permitted to bring the kids.

I absolutely agree with passing on the praise in a general way, which I think is giving positive feedback. But I am less sure that it is a good thing to tell him exactly what was said. I don't tell him the negative comments either; I prefer to keep it general rather than have him getting annoyed with one teacher, or acting defensively ("oh, Mrs. X always says that" or "well, Mr. P just doesn't like me because...").

So far it looks like I am in the minority, though. Fair enough.

When I was in school aged 14 we were told to attend parents evenings with our parents. Don't see what the big deal is. He is old enough to know the difference between right and wrong and what is expected of him, and the consequences if he doesn't step up to the mark.

Infact, I remember attending parents evenings when I was about 9 aswell...Really don't understand what the problem is here.

If you don't tell him the negative comments, how is he supposed to know where he needs to improve?

It was a great day and my Dad was in such a rage. She had been my form tutor for a period and hated me because I usually was the last to notice her come in the room

My dad was trying to come up with a way to insult her (but he never usually insults people) and all he could come up with was 'she looks like a bloody hawk'

What is the point of talking to you and not him?

The school sounds very backwards. I'm surprised anywhere still does this.

As a secondary teacher, I have to ask what is the point of meeting with parents if what I was saying was not going to be fed back to the students? I find it incredibly strange that your DSS's school don't permit the students to be present.

I often feel a bit fed up with the number of late nights taken up with parents' evenings and the like, but always feel good at the end of them because of the number of constructive meetings I've had. I would feel like it was a complete waste of my time if the meetings weren't discussed with the students, either during or after.

At 14 students should be taking responsibility for their own learning, and should know exactly where they need to improve. Your DSS should already know what his teachers think of him, so your DH's comments should come as no surprise.

Do you really need to check his H/W every night? Isn't that a bit OTT as he seems to be doing well?

It must be very frustrating for your DSS if you're on at him to improve but don't give him specific guidance on how he can do that OP.

You give general praise to a two year old because they can't understand any more, but a 14 YO is at a time when they need to be taking on more responsibility for the choices they make.

DD1's senior school expects the pupils to be at parents evening. No way would you find the right teachers if they weren't.
Parents only at DD2's primary, which was just as well given the insane amount of praise she gets (wish I got the same child at home).
However, she insisted on reading her report. Didn't make much difference she already has a head the size of the Sun. She thinks the world revolves around her.

My parents always told me all and my dc are only 8 and 5 but I continue that with them.
For ds1 who is extremely shy and quiet has amazed his teacher with his confidence was massively spurred on and made him far more confident knowing that.
8 year old dd is a bit of a daydreamer and by being honest about her achievements and the things she struggled with opened a dialogue between her and her teacher to give her strategies to combat the naturally dreamy nature when she needs to be paying attention.
At 14 I would be expecting my dc to be growing up and taking far more responsibility for themselves so feel they need to be treated in a more grown up manner and discuss with them why there are problems and how to overcome them.