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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DH should keep mum on teachers' comments?

90 replies

insertclevernamehere · 04/02/2012 22:23

DH and I disagree generally about how much to 'share' with the kids. I am trying to accept that we have different approaches and maybe settle for a happy medium...

He's just been to DSS's parent's night, and reported back to me what was said. No real surprises, although all a bit better than we'd feared!...DS has had some problems with marks and behaviour; we have been being a bit stricter on him with homework checks and less time on his games. The teachers mostly reported that he has shown improvement, in both marks and attitude, but that he could still do better and be more focussed. Several of them also commented that DS is a very nice kid. We are very pleased; I am pleased he's improved and think this means that what we have been doing is working!

Over dinner tonight, DH told DS (who is 14) all about his meetings with each teacher...and I mean, all about them. He told DS every positive thing the teachers said, and who said what. He also editorialised to say what he (DH) thinks of the teachers.

I think this was silly and hasn't made our job any easier...that these are private conversations with the parent(s) for a reason. That passing on the praise isn't really what the teachers intended - yes, wonderful to do it in a general way - "I'm proud of your improvement and pleased that your teachers had such good things to say" - but that is enough.

I should point out that DSS's immediate response was to assume that we would no longer be checking his homework every night, seeing as how he's doing so well now! I had to disabuse him of that notion, but I know we are going to get more opposition every time now. I'm also just generally slightly irritated with DH for oversharing.

Do you tell your kids the details of these sort of meetings? Am I in the minority here?

OP posts:

Catsdontcare · 04/02/2012 23:31

Am getting a sense in the op's tone that this is very much about keeping her ds's in "his place"

AgentZigzag · 04/02/2012 23:34

'and their fart are a thing of beauty'

I agree with everything else you've said though rhonda.

No need to make them big headed, but nor is there any reason not to let them know they can fly if they want to.

rhondajean · 04/02/2012 23:36

Should,have been farts!

You know the parents I mean -they'd frame the contents of their DCs hankies given the chance .

hatesponge · 04/02/2012 23:39

I find this beyond odd

You seem to have an issue with your DSS, you don't want him told that he's no good at something, but conversely you don't want him to know he's better than others at something else?

Sorry, just weird.

As a parent I think it's my job to encourage my DSs to be the best they can be. They are both a lot brighter than their peers, and I have no qualms about telling them so.

I was always told how intelligent I was by my parents, despite often being put down by teachers. My dad told me to ignore the (unfair) criticism, focus on my work, and how clever I knew I was. I would never have ended up at Cambridge but for his constant encouragement. And he never hesitated to acknowledge I wasn't good at everything, which I never minded, it allowed me to focus on subjects I could excel at.

Original poster

insertclevernamehere · 04/02/2012 23:42

catsdontcare, I don't know what it is about my "tone" that has given you that appalling impression. It isn't accurate, and I think it is a bit of a snotty thing to say. If my tone suggests anything other than that I have a different style of parenting than you, well, I don't really know how to fix that. I did ask if I was BU; I accept that you and others think that I am.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 04/02/2012 23:43

I thought it was a typo on 'art' rhonda

Original poster

insertclevernamehere · 04/02/2012 23:47

You seem to have an issue with your DSS, you don't want him told that he's no good at something, but conversely you don't want him to know he's better than others at something else?

I don't have an issue with my DSS. But thanks for playing.

No, I don't want my kids told they are rubbish at something, and I also don't want to tell them their farts smell better than anyone else's. I'd rather encourage him to work hard and be whatever he wants to be.

OP posts:

SydSaid · 04/02/2012 23:47

insertclevernamehere - there is a difference between accepting that people think you are being unreasonable, and accepting that you are being unreasonable.

It sounds like when you asked the question you expected a resounding agreement in your favour. And that you are still closed to the possibility that you could actually be being unreasonable in this instance.

AgentZigzag · 04/02/2012 23:50

Ahhh y'see OP, that's where you're going wrong.

Your DC should always feel you admire and are amused by their farts above all other poxy efforts.

It always comes out in the end

Original poster

insertclevernamehere · 04/02/2012 23:51

Syd, No, I think I have accepted that most people do tell their kids the details, and that I should probably rethink my stand and do the same. It is not a full-hearted acceptance, though, because I still feel that I will edit comments like the ones I mentioned above.

So...maybe I have accepted that I am being somewhat unreasonable, but not willing to do a 180 degree turn yet.

Fair?

OP posts:

Catsdontcare · 04/02/2012 23:52

LIke I said it's just the tone I get from your posts. If I'm wrong I'm wrong. But so far you haven't given any compelling arguement that supports your "parenting style".

Just an opinion take it or ignore it.

SydSaid · 04/02/2012 23:57

yeah, that sounds fair :)

totallypearshaped · 04/02/2012 23:58

I think you've got a top down approach to your ds.

Your DS is in charge of his life. He's 14 not 4.

If you are doing your job right, your DS will want to do his best, and be motivated to do his best for himself.

The carrot (like your DH offered) is FAR better for motivating people to do their best than than the stick (keeping them in the dark, dis-empowering and letting them know what you think they should know) your offering.

I applaud your DH - it's good management style.

We always ask our DC to come into the meetings, as it's her review, not ours. If the work is done the result is achieved, if not, not.

rhondajean · 04/02/2012 23:58

Haha zigzag art would probably have been a much better choice of words!!

Dd1s farts definitely do not smell better than anyone else's. This I do tell her too.

Kayano · 05/02/2012 00:01

Really don't get the point of you posting here at all

Carry on then

It's up to DH what he tells them and IMO he is BR and you are BRandom

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 05/02/2012 00:17

I agree with Rhonda. There is a big difference though in telling a child that they are particularly good at something and telling them that they are better than other people.

I have told ds2 that he is one of the best in his class at Maths. I know that much to be true, so I don't mind saying it. I would never have any way of knowing if he is the very best in his class, so I wouldn't tell him that he is. He needs a confidence boost sometimes and he is a very kind child so he wouldnt try to be boastful about it, and he is too young still for him to want to play down intelligence.

I wouldn't have used the same words with ds1 because although he is better at Maths, he has As and could be quite cocky about the fact that he is intelligent, and wouldn't be sensitive to the feelings of his classmates.

It depends on the child. Some children need to be told how good they are at something.

BackforGood · 05/02/2012 00:21

Good posts by SydSaid
I also agree with everyone else, it's years since I've heard of any secondary school that doesn't have the pupil in on Parent Consultations - he's 14, not 4!

Original poster

insertclevernamehere · 05/02/2012 00:31

I also agree with everyone else, it's years since I've heard of any secondary sc
hool that doesn't have the pupil in on Parent Consultations - he's 14, not 4!

Well, that's how our's is. I don't know if people think I am lying about that (or why I would) - or what to say to assure you that it is the case! I think it would be great if they did include the student, although I also assume that it would be a different sort of meeting if they did, and maybe things would be worded differently.

OP posts:

ComposHat · 05/02/2012 02:46

I can see no reason why you would want to hold back information from your son. Why do you think this is a good idea?

How does he know how to get better if positive behaviour/achievement is praised and remarked upon and negative behaviour sanctioned/earmarked for improvement?

If you were at work and your appraisal consisted of your line manager saying 'yeah, not bad' that you'd think it was inadequate. Most of us would want specific examples of what we were doing well/badly at andspecific targets to improve upon.

mathanxiety · 05/02/2012 03:02

I tell them everything. The whole point is to give the parents pointers about helping the child improve and therefore the child needs to know what the teacher's suggestions are as well as what she or he is doing well. If all is fine then the child needs that feedback too.

Comments on the teachers are a bit . If negative, they run the risk of cancelling out the exhortations to behave, work in class, etc. I keep my thoughts on the teachers to myself except in the case of one whose subject I am teaching DD3 myself at home out of sheer despair.

Neither of the schools my DCs attend encourage attendance by students at meetings. It is unspoken and yet you can count on the fingers of one hand the families who bring the children.

mathanxiety · 05/02/2012 03:06

Want to add I don't see any sense in cushioning anyone from criticism. I have never heard anything from a teacher that I wouldn't have said myself to any of the DCs though I have had some pleasant surprises in the case of DD3's alleged ability to nag keep a group focused through science experiments.

Caz10 · 05/02/2012 03:20

Maybe it's just the way you worded it Rhondajean but there is a massive difference between telling a Dc how bright they are etc, and telling them they are better than everyone else!! Kids know where they are in a class anyway, and c

Caz10 · 05/02/2012 03:21

Oops
Comparisons with others are spectacularly unhelpful not to mention unpleasant.

youngermother1 · 05/02/2012 03:32

If you do not give detailed feedback, with examples ie what went well, what not so so well, how is anyone going to improve?
This is true of everyone - if my boss said something vague, such as 'doing well but could work harder' how am I supposed to develop. What you need is 'It was good when you you had obviously read more about a subject and added to things you had learnt in school in your homework' or 'I was disappointed you copied and pasted the wikopedia entry for your homework' etc

mathanxiety · 05/02/2012 03:35

'Dad and I are really happy, because we're hearing great things about you from your teachers. They've said that you're a pleasure in the classroom, but would like to see you make a bit more effort in your work."'

Not the best thing to say -- the DSS is not really working for you and his dad and your happiness might not be the motivating tool you think it is. He is working for himself and for his future, and that point needs hammering home, especially to a teenager. Also worth pointing out is that it doesn't matter whether he likes the teacher or whether he thinks the teacher likes him. In the end he is not working for the teacher either. The teacher is just the middle man.

In the case of this particular DSS, you could say the teachers are of the opinion that the new time management skills he has been practicing have paid off quite significantly and that their assessment is that more prioritising of homework and studying will result in even better marks, given his obvious potential. I would also share specific comments they have made and other suggestions.

That way you tell him specifically how to improve, acknowledge the effort he has put in and tell him that it has not gone unnoticed by the teachers, and avoid focusing on where he stands wrt the others (children are always much better at knowing where they stand relative to their peers than parents give them credit for). Focusing on time management skills the student has learned and the level of effort he is putting in rather than achievement and how it makes the parents feel when they read the report or attend the meeting is going to be more productive.

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