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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DH should keep mum on teachers' comments?

90 replies

insertclevernamehere · 04/02/2012 22:23

DH and I disagree generally about how much to 'share' with the kids. I am trying to accept that we have different approaches and maybe settle for a happy medium...

He's just been to DSS's parent's night, and reported back to me what was said. No real surprises, although all a bit better than we'd feared!...DS has had some problems with marks and behaviour; we have been being a bit stricter on him with homework checks and less time on his games. The teachers mostly reported that he has shown improvement, in both marks and attitude, but that he could still do better and be more focussed. Several of them also commented that DS is a very nice kid. We are very pleased; I am pleased he's improved and think this means that what we have been doing is working!

Over dinner tonight, DH told DS (who is 14) all about his meetings with each teacher...and I mean, all about them. He told DS every positive thing the teachers said, and who said what. He also editorialised to say what he (DH) thinks of the teachers.

I think this was silly and hasn't made our job any easier...that these are private conversations with the parent(s) for a reason. That passing on the praise isn't really what the teachers intended - yes, wonderful to do it in a general way - "I'm proud of your improvement and pleased that your teachers had such good things to say" - but that is enough.

I should point out that DSS's immediate response was to assume that we would no longer be checking his homework every night, seeing as how he's doing so well now! I had to disabuse him of that notion, but I know we are going to get more opposition every time now. I'm also just generally slightly irritated with DH for oversharing.

Do you tell your kids the details of these sort of meetings? Am I in the minority here?

OP posts:

Catsdontcare · 04/02/2012 22:53

What use is general praise or criticism? It needs to be specific or how does he know his he's doing or what he needs to change?

Dustinthewind · 04/02/2012 22:53

My children have always come to parents' evenings and been part of the discussion.
It is also how we prefer to run evenings at my school, with students in attendance.

Original poster

insertclevernamehere · 04/02/2012 22:53

If a teacher says (as one has, last year) "I think DS is working to his full potential, but let's face it, he's just not very good at art, is he?", I don't repeat that, because I don't think it is constructive. And if a teacher says "DS is a pleasure to teach, he's so funny and clever, but he's much brighter than most of the others in the class and I think he could be getting top marks with a little more effort" - I don't want to repeat that; it seems wrong to me. Isn't it better to say "Dad and I are really happy, because we're hearing great things about you from your teachers. They've said that you're a pleasure in the classroom, but would like to see you make a bit more effort in your work."

Not trying to argue, I am taking the YABU's on board and will concede thsi one to DH, but I want to be clear. :)

OP posts:

SydSaid · 04/02/2012 22:57

Why does it seem wrong to tell a 14 year old that the teacher said that with more effort he could be getting top marks? That the teacher thinks he is a pleasure to teach?

Very perplexed by your opinion on this.

Original poster

insertclevernamehere · 04/02/2012 22:58

Do you really need to check his H/W every night? Isn't that a bit OTT as he seems to be doing well?
No, this is the point. He wasn't doing well, at all. He was not failing, but was consistently and considerably below average in most subjects, and was regularly missing homeworks.
Since we started doing the checks and cutting back his time on xbox, he has improved. We knew this anyway, but then DH heard it from every single teacher. The improvement is what I think we should be emphasising to him.

OP posts:

Original poster

insertclevernamehere · 04/02/2012 23:00

Sydsaid, those are exactly the parts of it I just said I would tell him. But I would not, in that example, tell him that the teacher said he is brighter than any of the other kids.

OP posts:

Catsdontcare · 04/02/2012 23:00

But your way is just a bit wishy washy nothingness. Not inspiring or food for thought just a bit "meh".

AgentZigzag · 04/02/2012 23:02

Blah, blah, blah/blanket positive words, 'but would like to see you make a bit more effort in your work'

You're not giving him the tools to make a change though.

The art example isn't a good one because I can't imagine a teacher saying that, with art being pretentious subjective, but getting top marks with a bit more effort, you and your DH will know whether it's him playing on the computer instead of working, talking in class when he should be listening etc.

You need to pinpoint it for him and then keep on at him encourage him to stop/start doing what you've discussed.

SydSaid · 04/02/2012 23:02

Ok, but you have just said that he has gone from below average and is improving. Surely knowing that teachers think he is one of the brightest in the class should only serve to motivate more?

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 04/02/2012 23:03

I disagree with you. I was quite surprised to learn that ds's secondary school invites the children to attend the meetings, so he will come with us next week. They say it's to involve him in his own education and encourage them to take responsibility for themselves.

As I said, I was surprised that this is how they do things, but they do consistently achieve extremely high results so Im not going to argue! I have always told my children what was said at my parent teacher meetings, in an appropriate way obviously.

I don't think it does a teenager any harm to be told that they are probably one of the cleverest in the class if it's true. It would encourage them, and I think as long as they can be trusted to use information like that sensitively and wisely, there is no reason why it should do any harm.

rhondajean · 04/02/2012 23:07

I very much doubt the art teacher would phrase it like that, but surely it also is useful advice to say, I appreciate you re working hard, and it's great, but this isn't a subject you will excel in?

Leaves you free to either concentrate on things you could improve on, or decide you like it anyway and you are happy to work at it for the enjoyment of it.

squeakytoy · 04/02/2012 23:07

As you are so involved, why did you not go to the parents evening too?

Original poster

insertclevernamehere · 04/02/2012 23:09

Hmm, I don't think I will ever be convinced that telling kids they are clever than their classmates is a good idea. But I will give the rest of it more thought. Mostly though I think we will need to see what happens next - if he is spurred on and keeps improving then I will admit I was wrong!

agentzigzag, the art comment actually happened. These are real examples of things his teachers have said.

OP posts:

rhondajean · 04/02/2012 23:09

Oh and I love making sure dd1 realises she is brighter than the ret of the class. Why wouldn't I???? Am I missing something or aren't parents supposed to support their children to be all that they can?

squeakytoy · 04/02/2012 23:10

I agree with not repeating that a teacher has said he is brighter than his peers.. that just leads to the possibility of bragging and talking down to others.. some things are best left unsaid in that sort of context.

Original poster

insertclevernamehere · 04/02/2012 23:11

Squeakytoy, we have three children, including a baby, and we work. We do not always attend these events together. I don't think that is unusual. I'm not sure what that says about my 'involvement'.

OP posts:

rhondajean · 04/02/2012 23:13

Don't think that's unusual at all. Often DH or I have to go to parents nights alone ie as only parent with our children.

It's just modern life I'm afraid. I am sure we aren't the only ones.

GnomeDePlume · 04/02/2012 23:14

YABU

What is the point in you hearing this stuff and then not passing it on. DS will be sitting GCSEs not you. Naff all use you knowing where his strengths and weaknesses lie if you dont pass that on.

However I find it odd that he doesnt attend.

AgentZigzag · 04/02/2012 23:16

I'm surprised at that remark then OP, were they saying it so he didn't waste his time (like rhonda said) doing as a gcse subject?

I'd be a bit at someone saying about my a child otherwise, whatever their age.

But I suppose you could still give him pointers even with art, teach him a couple of techniques, encourage him to practice?

Caz10 · 04/02/2012 23:17

Oh and I love making sure dd1 realises she is brighter than the ret of the class. Why wouldn't I????

rhondajean you don't really do that do you???

cory · 04/02/2012 23:18

I think the kind of comments you are talking about is a very good argument for having the 14yos present at the parents' evenings: then the teachers would have to be a bit more focused in how they present their points

Dcs' school would take a very dim view of families who turned up without the children: after all, it is the children who will be responsible for organising their work, so they need to be told what to do/ Comments are usually very specific, and the students get to choose three specific targets which are then copied into their report.

SydSaid · 04/02/2012 23:19

As one of the brightest in my class (not boasting, just a fact), I always knew it. It didn't make me a better person - but if I didn't do so well in any subject it sure as hell made me buck up my ideas and work a bit harder!

BUT - being bright was quite often a reason to be picked on so there is NO WAY on this earth I would ever have used it for bragging purposes. In fact I always played it down (and still do on the rare occasion it gets mentioned) if people speak about me 'being intelligent'.

The only way a kid won't know they are one of the brightest is if they have self-esteem issues - and if he has struggled before this may well be the case. Does he actually believe in himself enough?

SydSaid · 04/02/2012 23:20

Yikes, forgot to mention a crucial fact - being intelligent was more often than not a reason for being picked on rather than something you would boats about. People want to 'keep you in your place'.

rhondajean · 04/02/2012 23:30

I absolutely do.

She is very academically talented and it's myresponsibility to make sure she realises that and has the chance to live up to her potential.

I topped my year at school and I was always aware of my academic ability in relation to others, and it's benefitted me. If I was told I was average, I would have aimed to be average I'm afraid.

Why are we so afraid to tell our children they excel at things? What is wrong with being better at something?

I do NOT subscribe to the telling them they are all round wonderful and their fart are a thing of beauty school of parenting. But where they are gifted, why on earth would you not want them to know and encourage it.

rhondajean · 04/02/2012 23:31

And what syd said! The brightest often have the worst time from their classmates. They need extra support too,

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