to think DH should keep mum on teachers' comments?

[insertclevernamehere]

DH and I disagree generally about how much to 'share' with the kids. I am trying to accept that we have different approaches and maybe settle for a happy medium...

He's just been to DSS's parent's night, and reported back to me what was said. No real surprises, although all a bit better than we'd feared!...DS has had some problems with marks and behaviour; we have been being a bit stricter on him with homework checks and less time on his games. The teachers mostly reported that he has shown improvement, in both marks and attitude, but that he could still do better and be more focussed. Several of them also commented that DS is a very nice kid. We are very pleased; I am pleased he's improved and think this means that what we have been doing is working!

Over dinner tonight, DH told DS (who is 14) all about his meetings with each teacher...and I mean, all about them. He told DS every positive thing the teachers said, and who said what. He also editorialised to say what he (DH) thinks of the teachers.

I think this was silly and hasn't made our job any easier...that these are private conversations with the parent(s) for a reason. That passing on the praise isn't really what the teachers intended - yes, wonderful to do it in a general way - "I'm proud of your improvement and pleased that your teachers had such good things to say" - but that is enough.

I should point out that DSS's immediate response was to assume that we would no longer be checking his homework every night, seeing as how he's doing so well now! I had to disabuse him of that notion, but I know we are going to get more opposition every time now. I'm also just generally slightly irritated with DH for oversharing.

Do you tell your kids the details of these sort of meetings? Am I in the minority here?

When they are little it is very much up to the parent, e.g. if they find scissors difficult help them at home. By 14yrs they need to be responsible for their learning and they are the ones who need to hear it all.

Pupils are included in PPC evenings from Y1 round these parts.

Much simpler to take them.

Thought you were going to say the child was4 years old

I think the thing is, by 14 (and actually way, way before) children know how they are doing. I'd be surprised if your son didn't know if he was clever/cruising/rubbish at art or whatever. By telling them an edited version, you're not protecting him - you're just removing the constructive criticism he needs to improve.

I don't think you sound like you have a prob with you ss at all, to me it sounds like you just want to protect him from criticism. But if you think back to when you were 14, you knew were you were in the class, didn't you? I certainly did. He's turning in to an adult and as hard as it is, needs to learn how to deal with criticism and learn from it.

IMO you should re-read mathanxiety's post. Your DSS's performance at school is not about you and whether it makes you happy, it is about him achieving his full potential.

When I was at school students didnt attend these meetings. I dreaded them, the teachers comments were filtered through my parents very academic ideas of what was good and bad. Even at the age of 15 I can remember hiding from my father's anger at me not being academic enough.

Agree with other posters that the main problem here seems to be that you (and his school) treat your ds as someone much younger than he is: you seem to see yourself as negotiating between him and the outside world where, really, he should be learning to do his own negotiating- and that involves working out for himself what a teacher really means when he says X. Remember it's not that many years before he will be off to uni (or the workplace) and have to negotiate these matters totally on his own.

Obviously the school isn't helping by encouraging studets to stay at home- it might be worth having a word with them about this.

I understand why you are doing the homework checks but it can really only be a short-term response to an emergency: very soon you will have to work out a system whereby he takes responsibility, otherwise he is not going to be ready for the next stage in his education.

To be VERY blunt, this sounds like you're worried that your power balance between you and your child is being threatened. 14 is old enough to be treated like a responsible individual, and I think that there is no reason to keep something like that from them unless you're trying overly hard to keep the 'ball in your court'.

I agree with homework checks, etc, but feeling like your parents and teachers have a hold on something that you aren't given a right to is no basis from which to approach a responsible work ethic.

And, you know what? Maybe this was the break your son needed. Maybe have a trial-run of no homework checks, and after that, see what the progress has been.

I can't understand why the child was not present? This is unfair. Ifthe child can't be present for some reason, then yes, of course tell him what was said. The comments are about HIM, you have no right to withhold information about him, from him. Why would you want to? I can't think of any reason to do s, other than indulgence in some sort of nasty power game. If you are playing games like that, it does not bode well for your relationship,l or the child's confidence or bahaviour

I can't understand why the child was not present? This is unfair.

OK. I will explain one more time that the school does not invite, expect, or as far as we know even permit students to attend. None of DSS's friends attend. I did not see any of the students last year, and I have now asked DH and he says he saw no students there this year. This is not our decision. This is the school.

So, clearly some schools do it differently. As I said already, if these were meetings for both the students and the parents, I think they would probably be different in the content and in the way the teachers speak about the students and the work.

I have said that I am taking these responses into consideration and revising my approach somewhat. There have been some helpful posts here. There have also been some which I will cast aside for the nonsense they are. (asiatic, yours will be on the top of that pile.)

DSS is very confident. He is also aware of his own strengths and weaknesses, as a few of you have pointed out that he would be. We have a problem with him (one I am familiar with because I was the same) being lazy in his work or coasting a bit because he can get by without putting in much effort. For some of his teachers, that is OK. They point to his marks and say that he is hitting or nearing the class average, and don't seem bothered if he can do better or not. Other teachers, like DH and I, feel that he can obviously do better than he is, and want to see him try harder. I think that passing on comments which underestimate him or encourage him to think he is doing "well enough" just because he is doing better than last year, is not a good idea. So while I accept that I could be more open with him about what is said, and especially that I need to think about his age and the idea that he can take more responsibility, I do not think that I am going to do a 180 on this. I am grateful to the posters who have helped me think it through and arrive at my own (maybe more considered) conclusion about how reasonable it is. In the end, I know DSS and can weigh up the advice given here and try it on for size.

For people who have said that he needs 'specific' help, I just want to say that he does get that. I also work with him on his homework when he needs it, and we follow up on the things teachers write in his reports. We don't just say "try harder" and leave him to it, which I guess is the impression I gave in my posts.

I think that the majority (though not all) of the posters have indicated that students do attend at their childrens' school. I think that changes the situation, honestly. Maybe it would be better if they did.

The problem with not giving an as near as possble verbatim report is that you are filtering and changing the message whether you mean to or not. You will put your own spin on it. In the end you are giving your own message not the school's.

insert

I am a university lecturer and deal with a lot of boys (and it is generally boys) of your DSS's complexion - they are bright but basically coast through school. Then they hit university - and whoa, they're suddenly not the biggest fish in the pond anymore, and no one's that impressed.

I agree with mathanxiety, above: the way I deal with such students is precisely by telling them that they are brighter than average but that they will remain average unless they work. And it does motivate them.

Believe me, bright kids that age get used to people saying 'Well done dear' in a vague kind of way. They tune it out. Saying, on the other hand, 'Look, you're obviously doing all right at art but you're never going to be the best in the class; but you could be the best at physics' is a specific motivator. It is that which will help channel his interests towards things he really loves. Bland praise will earn you no respect; sharp, targetted criticism and merited praise will.

Also, it is competitive. Not everyone will get an A; not everyone will get a First. On my first-year and second-year modules, I email every single student who is on track for a First-class degree at the end of the year (c. top 7-8%) and tell them so, and tell them what percentile this puts them in. It shows them where they stand, what they could achieve, and what they need to do to get there. IME, this is how you motivate bright kids.

What would happen if you took DSS to the meeting? I suggest that you make an appointment with the school to speak to staff with the boy present. I can't see any point at all in the meeting you have already had, with comments being neutralised or withheld at a whim by a step parent!?

Revoltingpeasant, thanks. That's good perspective.

Asiatic, I hope that even if others disagree with me or think I ABU, it would be clear that it is not "at a whim". I've given DSS's education and what is best for him an awful lot of thought and I put a lot of effort into helping him. I may not do everything right.