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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you SAH and your DP works and earns X, you do not therefore earn X yourself

789 replies

catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 09:53

I do not want to start a SAH / WAH bunfight and this is inspired by another thread but......

A thread recently was asking people if they earnt over £40k and I was surprised to see a number of posters saying they were SAHM / SAHD but their partner earnt XX, so therefore they did too.

Now, I am not commenting on the value of the work a stay at home partner does - the value is huge and it is a tough, worthwhile thing to do.

But you do not earn. (Even if you should etc etc).

I work. My DH stays at home. If I heard DH saying "oh catgirl earns xxx so I earn xxx too" I would be really peed off and think - "no, no dude - you don't."

We don't have separate money - what's mine is his and vice versa, and I am happy with our arrangement. It is hos money as much as mine, but I earn it. He didn't spend 20 hours negotiating a deal or whatever - that was me.

It has never even occured to me before, but I was just surprised that people felt if DP earned an amount, they earned it too and would actually say, well yes I earn over £40k as DH is a GP or whatever.

It almost felt like some people were saying they were somehow personally doing better than others because they had "married better" which seemed really Hmm

AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsSchadenfreude · 04/02/2012 14:44

Sozzled - we move (overseas) every 4-5 years, carrying on working and travelling away. We both work and we manage without someone being at home. Hmm We moved from Belgium to UK and two weeks after we moved, I had to go to Canada for two weeks for work. It can be done.

OzzieLou · 04/02/2012 14:46

motherinferior you are infinitely more skilled than I, left to my own devices I would run out of clean clothes in a week, lose my keys/phone/wallet every other day, live on toasties and wade through an ever growing pile of detritus in my house. And having children is not my excuse, I was like it before I got married!

Strangely at work I am the super-organised efficient one who everyone relies on to know everything, but as soon as I clock off I go into ineffectual slob mode.

An old argument I know but if I added up all the things dh does on a daily/weekly basis and figured out how much it would cost to hire someone in to do it, it would probably be 10 times my salary (e.g. he tiled the shower room this morning and will be taking up some curtains on his sewing machine this afternoon (in front of the rugby) so again only IMHO he has a job and it has the potential to be as difficult and as time consuming and as tiring as mine.

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 14:48

Totally agree aldi

The money I earn is just as much DHs as it is mine. But he didnt earn it.

If he didn't stay at home I would still earn the same amount.

Our outgoings would be higher as we would have childcare costs, but what I earn is not affected by DH working or staying at home. (Although DS will be going to nursery 3 days a week when he is 5 months anyway, but thats just my choice).

The value of what SAHPs do is HUGE - and it is a bloody hard job that does not get the recognition it deserves. It is a valid choice which does not and should not need defending. But it does not attract a wage.

OP posts:
RedHotPokers · 04/02/2012 14:49

Surely whether we WOH or not we still enable our partners to do their jobs and earn the money they earn.

I work pt. I am able to work pt time because my DH works fthe expected me to work ft then we would be MUCH better off (as I have a much higher salary pro rata than DH), but he doesn't and I appreciate that, in the same way I appreciate DH working ft and he appreciates me doing more childcare/housework.

My DH partly earns what he earns because I support him in his job (since before DCs), encouraged him to go for the job in the first place (he is not that confident in his own abilities), and offer him advice/guidance (as he does to me) on any work issues or problems. It's called a partnership. He would still be able to do his job if I worked ft but we would both be more tired and stressed.

However, I would ALWAYS say I earn 'y' and DH earns 'x'. Because that's what we do earn. The fact that we amalgamate it into a joint account is by the by.

And to Karma - when you are working you still have to cook tea, clean the house, do homework when you come home from work. And this SERIOUSLY eats into any chance of having a rest or a break in the evening!

motherinferior · 04/02/2012 14:49

I do agree that some households have worked out a way of non sharing out housework and childcare, so one partner does it all and the other person does the paid work.

And yes, my partner for instance could put in more hours of work if he didn't live with a harridan who insists he pushes the hoover around and puts the washing on and cooks the dinner and does stuff with his children. But he still seems to do a fairly interesting - and quite well-paid - job....

motherinferior · 04/02/2012 14:52

'I support him in his job (since before DCs), encouraged him to go for the job in the first place (he is not that confident in his own abilities), and offer him advice/guidance (as he does to me) on any work issues or problems'....ah, ahem, I don't do any of all that.

motherinferior · 04/02/2012 14:53

(I am quite nice to him, mind. As he is to me. But I'm not his work counsellor. Possibly this is a huge failing on my part, of course.)

MrsSchadenfreude · 04/02/2012 14:54

LOL, MI - Grin me neither! Although I will tell him to Man The Fuck Up occasionally when he starts whining about his job and how "Everyone" is earning over 60K. Who is this mythical everyone, I ask?

nkf · 04/02/2012 14:55

I wouldn't dispute that the work done at home by men or women could have a commercial value. Cleaners, nannies, dog walkers, gardeners - they all earn. And if you are being paid to do those things, then I think you are doing a job. If you are not, then it's something else. Not of less value, just not a job. Some might say of more value because practical care done with love is very important. I know that my children appreciate my meals more than they do the au pair's and not must because I cook better. It says love to them.

As for relying on a an employer - interesting. I've never thought of it like that. I think that I have certain skills that are tradeable. My time and skills for X amount. If not that employer then another.

I think SAHMs are often trying to assign value to what they do because they feel/are undervalued. But I think the job analogy doesn't work. It's different and they don't do that part of life exclusively. They might argue that they do it better than working mothers because they have more time. But then again, they might just make the work fill the time they have.

MoneyBunny · 04/02/2012 15:00

I would never encourage my DSs to go into a line of work which does not allow for days off with sick DCs, paternity leave or makes them work a ridicilous amount of hours meaning they never get a chance to see their DCs and where the only option is to find a DW enabling them to be able to work these silly hours.

And I would never encourage my DDs (if I had any) to aim to find a rich DH only to be able to not work. Would they choose to SAH I would make sure they fully understood the consequenses of giving up their career.

CailinDana · 04/02/2012 15:06

BTW I never said being a SAHM was a job, I said it was work.

Even as a SAHM I have skills that are tradeable. If necessary I could go out and find a job - I'm a qualified teacher. Being a SAHM doesn't preclude me from rejoining the workforce, although it would probably make things harder.

MoneyBunny - my DH has a very flexible job, gets paternity leave, can have a day off if I'm ill, works 8-4 Monday to Friday only. He's definitely not rich! I didn't become a SAHM so he could work silly hours or so I didn't have to work. In fact, I do work, quite hard. I chose to become a SAHM, for myself, not for my DH, although he is very happy that I do it and really appreciates it.

MoneyBunny · 04/02/2012 15:11

CailinDana I was more referring to the ones saying they're staying home to enable their DPs careers and therefore earn what their DPs earn.

I'm completely fine with choosing to SAH because that's what you WANT. I think everyone should do what they want to do and feel is best for them.

manicinsomniac · 04/02/2012 15:26

YANBU at all. Of course the SAHP doesn't 'earn' the money. It is their family income but they didn't do the work that got the money.

I am a single mum and therefore have to work ful time. My money is my family's money but if my chidren tried claiming that they earn my salary I'd have words Wink

Housework and kids are work but they are work that all of us have to do, not a job. Some of us do it during the day and some of us do it after work. I see staying at home as a valid life choice if you want it and can afford it but I certainly don't value it as a job.

PicaK · 04/02/2012 16:10

I really bristled when I read your OP, thinking you were saying that SAHMs were effectively valueless. But you are right - I don't earn.

When I did work I earned almost double my DH's salary.

I guess I wouldn't say "i earn x" but I do think of the salary he earns as being mine too. And I guess that's why they changed the law so i'd get some of his pension if we ever split.

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 16:15

PicaK that wasn't what I was saying, honestly

I really don't think that

It is the oddity of a SAHP saying they earn what the working partner earns, and the people I see who think the job they do as a SAHP is somehow greater than the job of a SAHP whose working partner earns less than theirs that I had an issue with

In our house, all money is "ours" and I truly believe that's how it should be, but whilst DH woujld rightly say the money I earn is his, he would never say he earnt xx because I earn xx.

OP posts:
Molehillmountain · 04/02/2012 16:37

Oh Blush I am one of the people who is cause of this thread by the slip of a key. I said something similar on another thread I think. I suppose my point was I can tell you how much dh earns but not me because at the moment I personally earn no money except maternity allowance. Sorry to have seemed odd by it. I won't say we earn in the future, will say our household income is. I know he actually does the stuff to earn the money, but we do consider ourselves to be a team and made a decision that dh couldn't progress in his career to the extent he had if I went back full time. Neither of us has the emotional and practical reserves to work full time and manage a household and children in the leftover time. So I went part time and am now sahm but will see what we do when dd2 is older (7 months at the moment). I am not sure what is to be gained by being so clear about who actually earns the money and there is a danger that my role in the family is demeaned if I have to give so e extra status to the person whose name is on the payslip, but I can see that actually, yes, the wording was poor. But I'm not weird-honest. Just tired.

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 16:49

:) Sorry molehill - I don't think you are weird

I just don't agree that you earn the money your DH does - he does. That's why your name is not on the payslip. I think there is a lot to be gained by being clear about who earns the money, as it would be mis-leading if people thought you somehow did your DHs job. It's not giving him "extra status" - its just not factually correct to say you earn it or that you both earn it.

But don't for a second think that I don't think that because you are currently a SAHM that what you do isn't valuable. It is, so I don't think you need to defend it in anyway. I am on maternity myself at the moment. I am not putting you down in any way - I really hope you understand that.

OP posts:
Original poster
catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 16:50

Plus its a general thing I am picking up on - not anyone in particular so its not aimed at you

OP posts:
MeltedChocolate · 04/02/2012 16:54

YABU. Very.

Molehillmountain · 04/02/2012 16:57

Not at all-I take no offence. I think I said it in a throwaway flippant way although it has given me pause for thought. Such a weird concept "earning" money. Several threads worth!

Feminine · 04/02/2012 16:58

I can't believe this has 4 pages worth [cofused]

op YANBU but it seems such a non-issue.

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 17:01

It's more the people who think they are in some way doing better as a SAHP than an another SAHP because their DP earns more than the other SAHPs DH that bother me molehill and I am sure you are nothing like that.

There also seemed to be a few people on the thread who felt that what ever their DP had achieved was actually their achievement - and not in a nice "proud of them / we work as a team" way, but a genuine belief that they personally were doing well because their DP was. Like they saw marriage as a career or "marrying well" as an achievement.

OP posts:
Original poster
catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 17:02

It is a non issue and I am also surpsied by the length of thread generated

But the weather has been dire today so I think that might have contributed :)

OP posts:
Feminine · 04/02/2012 17:03

Actually cat in your last post, I think I have got what you mean :)

ignore my previous one!

Molehillmountain · 04/02/2012 17:05

I guess there's also a subtle difference between earning the money and enabling someone to do it. I couldn't do dh's job even if he were a sahp. But actually it doesn't really matter practically. By sorting out our working lives this way and sacrificing some of my money earning potential, we're maximising income and keeping sane (not being flippant with that, we have both had stress issues in the past and two full timers in our fields with three children will never add up. More mileage and money in dh's so mine will be the part time.)