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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you SAH and your DP works and earns X, you do not therefore earn X yourself

789 replies

catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 09:53

I do not want to start a SAH / WAH bunfight and this is inspired by another thread but......

A thread recently was asking people if they earnt over £40k and I was surprised to see a number of posters saying they were SAHM / SAHD but their partner earnt XX, so therefore they did too.

Now, I am not commenting on the value of the work a stay at home partner does - the value is huge and it is a tough, worthwhile thing to do.

But you do not earn. (Even if you should etc etc).

I work. My DH stays at home. If I heard DH saying "oh catgirl earns xxx so I earn xxx too" I would be really peed off and think - "no, no dude - you don't."

We don't have separate money - what's mine is his and vice versa, and I am happy with our arrangement. It is hos money as much as mine, but I earn it. He didn't spend 20 hours negotiating a deal or whatever - that was me.

It has never even occured to me before, but I was just surprised that people felt if DP earned an amount, they earned it too and would actually say, well yes I earn over £40k as DH is a GP or whatever.

It almost felt like some people were saying they were somehow personally doing better than others because they had "married better" which seemed really Hmm

AIBU?

OP posts:
OzzieLou · 04/02/2012 14:00

I have worked full time since dd was 5 months and dh is SAHD. I can honestly say (vomit inducing moment coming up) that i couldn't do it without him, at least 50%, if not more, I achieve at work is down to him. E.g. Yesterday he spent 20 mins defrosting my car while I was getting ready so I wouldn't be late for work. So yes, I don't think of anything I earn as mine, but ours.

He did lose points once, I had to make 25 people redundant, a horrible and heart breaking thing to do. So he planned a nice meal, bottle of wine and DVD that evening. All went well except the film was about the holocaust...

ithaka · 04/02/2012 14:01

Being a stay at home mum with toddlers/babies is definately hard work and anyone who thinks it isn't is madder than a mad thing.

But what about when the children go to school and leave home? Is being a housewife 'work'? I don't think it is, but for some women that is their job.

nkf · 04/02/2012 14:04

It can't be a job though. Housework is work though. Definitely.

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 14:07

I dont think of anything I earn as mine either Ozzy - it is all ours, but while DH contributes to our life together in many ways, he does not earn an income or earn my income.

Nor does he become better at staying at home whenever I get a payrise IYSWIM

OP posts:
TadlowDogIncident · 04/02/2012 14:08

ahhpushit - glad I'm not the only one on this thread! There does seem to be a lot of anti-SAHP feeling around, which I find really sad.

And people who think they're better than anyone else because of their own jobs are just as scummy as people who think that they somehow acquire status from their partners.

Of course being a SAHP is work. Being a carer is work. Housework is work. Doing anything that you can't just drop and walk away from when you don't feel like it any more is work, even if you chose to do it. It isn't a paid job, that's all. Hiding this thread now.

PopcornBiscuit · 04/02/2012 14:08
Biscuit
nailak · 04/02/2012 14:08

But what makes a waiter less valued then a gp in the first place?

fedupofnamechanging · 04/02/2012 14:09

ithaka, kids still require caring for once they come home. I view the hours when my dc are at school as the equivalent of an evening time for people who work traditional hours in a ft job. However, when my dc come home from school (and before they go to school in the morning), it's manic here and I am definitely working. If I was in a traditional ft job, who would cook for the kids, help with homework etc?

I think I work, just that my day is arranged differently than if I woh.

nkf · 04/02/2012 14:10

The person who is the waiter is no less valuable than the person of the doctor. But the profession of being a doctor is very socially useful and involves a lot of hard work to achieve. The role is more valued.

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 14:11

So not understanding the biscuits

OP posts:
nkf · 04/02/2012 14:13

Karma, it's not either/or. Many people - men and women - work full time in traditional jobs and then go home and do the housework and the homework and cook meals.

Not having a job is just that - not having a job. You aren't necessarily performing tasks that other people aren't performing.

MamaMaiasaura · 04/02/2012 14:13

YaNbu - dh earns over threshold. I'm sahm with dc (youngest 15 weeks).

SoupDragon · 04/02/2012 14:14

Does it actually matter?

WRT the Op, you say "He didn't spend 20 hours negotiating a deal or whatever - that was me."

Well, one assumes he was at home looking after the children so you didn't have to worry about childcare at all, no matter how long you had to work. Technically speaking, the amount he earned is how much you would have had to pay for a similar completely flexible childcare arrangement.

Never underestimate the contribution of a SAHP even though it simply can not be quantified in financial terms.

HoneyandHaycorns · 04/02/2012 14:14

Karma, I work FT but I also cook dinner, help dd with homework etc. You make it sound as if people who work in 9-5 jobs come home and relax in the evenings but that isn't the case!

ithaka · 04/02/2012 14:18

karma, what about when your children leave home? If your children being at school is 'down time' what about when you don't have children at home? Will you still consider that you work or will you get a job outside the home?

I am really interested, not having a go. You and your partner are as entitled to live the way you wish as anyone else and everyone's choice is equally valid. I am just interested in the housewife (not SAHM) perspective on 'work'.

OzzieLou · 04/02/2012 14:19

Good point catgirl, but if I get a pay rise/promotion/new job I do think that it's partly down to the fact that dh is willing to support me to achieve that - e.g. if I have to work longer hours for a while, or travel for work, or be flexible about working hours which puts more pressure on me.

I can see it from both sides but IMO SAHPs work harder for less recognition and reward than the majority of professions (maybe excluding carers, nurses, I'm sure someone will correct me). Yes it's wonderful to have all that time with your children but it can also be boring, frustrating, exhausting, relentess, monotonous...

Having said that I do get pissed off when dh says (occasionally) "it's alright for you, you just sit on your arse all day" (his perception of an office-based job)! Angry

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 14:19

Soup I am not under estimating the contribution of a SAHP at all.

I am just pointing out they do not earn anything. That is not to say they do not have huge value and I have been clear about that all the way through.

This thread isnt about is SAH work - of course it is

But it isnt paid work and it cannot be valued by the income of the DP who does work, which, when it is, is the thing I have the issue with

OP posts:
MrsSchadenfreude · 04/02/2012 14:30

nkf - he could be a father and a highflier with a DW/DP who had her own career, but they would have to employ a (probably live-in) nanny for the childcare.

motherinferior · 04/02/2012 14:35

My partner and I both work f/t. One of us cooks dinner every night. And while yes we do have to have after-school care, I hardly think that getting us all out of the door in the morning is 'work'. Chaos, yes. Wearing, possibly. But not a job.

QuickLookBusy · 04/02/2012 14:35

Op, in hte thread you talked about in your OP did anyone actually say "My DH earns x, therefore so do I?"

sozzledchops · 04/02/2012 14:37

Actually thinking about it my husband couldn't have had the career he has had and taken it in the direction it went without me being at home. We had 3 huge moves in the past 6 yrs with babies and young children while he was able to carry on working long hours and travelling away for weeks at a time.

CailinDana · 04/02/2012 14:38

Callmemrs - you say that the best option is to aim for interesting and enjoyable work. I've done that - I aimed to be a SAHM and that's what I'm doing. Everyone depends on someone else for their income, except perhaps those with trust funds or independent wealth. Depending on a partner for income is comparable, I think, to depending on an employer for income, although in practice of course the relationship is different (not that all men realise this). You could just as easily lose a job as lose a partner. In fact, if you lose a job, that's it, your income ends, but if you lose a partner your income is maintained either through life insurance in the case of death or through maintenance in the case of divorce.

I don't think I was shallow to hope that DH would get a job that allows me to stay at home.

aldiwhore · 04/02/2012 14:38

I'm a SAHM, my DH earns Xamount, that's our households income which he brings in, its ours, I don't earn it, but I have contributed to him being able to earn it.

I agree with you Catgirl. I don't earn his wages, even though they are also mine and childrens' as well as his.

I do not generate that money.

However, I do earn the right to say its also mine, rather than his.

motherinferior · 04/02/2012 14:41

Oh, and yes some of the ways I have worked in the past have enabled my partner to work the hours he does; in some ways, this inequality remains (which I resent on the days when I would like to stay late in the office). But I see it as much in terms of job progression and fulfilment as income, actually.

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 14:42

They did say that quicklook

Thats what got me pondering along these lines as it seemed Hmm to me

OP posts:
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