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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you SAH and your DP works and earns X, you do not therefore earn X yourself

789 replies

catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 09:53

I do not want to start a SAH / WAH bunfight and this is inspired by another thread but......

A thread recently was asking people if they earnt over £40k and I was surprised to see a number of posters saying they were SAHM / SAHD but their partner earnt XX, so therefore they did too.

Now, I am not commenting on the value of the work a stay at home partner does - the value is huge and it is a tough, worthwhile thing to do.

But you do not earn. (Even if you should etc etc).

I work. My DH stays at home. If I heard DH saying "oh catgirl earns xxx so I earn xxx too" I would be really peed off and think - "no, no dude - you don't."

We don't have separate money - what's mine is his and vice versa, and I am happy with our arrangement. It is hos money as much as mine, but I earn it. He didn't spend 20 hours negotiating a deal or whatever - that was me.

It has never even occured to me before, but I was just surprised that people felt if DP earned an amount, they earned it too and would actually say, well yes I earn over £40k as DH is a GP or whatever.

It almost felt like some people were saying they were somehow personally doing better than others because they had "married better" which seemed really Hmm

AIBU?

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 05/02/2012 23:08

See, one of the perks for me of working, apart from not having to hang around parks (with a bottle of cider? bread for the ducks? both?), is the ability to buy things I want to buy without consulting anyone. No-one at all. If I want a coffee, or a new pair of shoes, or a new watch, or a new car, or a new pair of breasts, I get to think about whether or not it's affordable and I get to make the decision.

Honestly, being a sahp seems to demote people. Usually women. Permission to spend, sir?

rhondajean · 05/02/2012 23:09

And those of WOHM are academically deprived and full of poor quality Childcare.

rhondajean · 05/02/2012 23:10

Quattro yep I feel like that too. I don't need DH to come along and say silly little woman, of course you can't afford that.

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 23:11

Well not in my case - unless dh is demoted as well. I think if you can afford to buy a new car without much thought you are probably not in the same situation as a lot of couples - even couples who both work.

Quattrocento · 05/02/2012 23:13

I was responding to this post

'Who would want to go to work anyway, its crap, see me I am in the park on a sunny day....with my kids.'

By the way, if you work and have children, you don't have to have a childminder. It's not obligatory.

rhondajean · 05/02/2012 23:15

The three earlier was talking about spending fifty quid.

But if I do a buy a car, I buy it, I choose it, I decide and I pay for it. I don't need DH to tell me I can do it. Likewise with him. Car is a personal expense. If we had to share a car, it might be different.

rhondajean · 05/02/2012 23:17

I've just worked it out, and I use just under six hours of paid Childcare per week anyway so the rotten Childcare workers can't be having too bad an effect in that time.

HoneyandHaycorns · 05/02/2012 23:17

I don't think it's about permission, it's about courtesy.

Linerunner, yes - I saw you! Grin think everyone else was too busy arguing.

This thread has descended into nastiness unfortunately. I accept that I may have contributed to that somewhat. It's an emotive subject & people tend to polarise. Sorry OP that your nice thread has been derailed. :(

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 23:18

Well if you have entirely separate finances then that's your choice but if you have a joint account I think it's polite to mention you are buying a car!

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 23:19

Another example of things getting twisted. SAHM says she has been to the park with her kids = mums who work can't go to the park Hmm

skybluepearl · 05/02/2012 23:21

It's a bit like my DH saying 'we are both pregnant' when infact I am pregnant but we are both to be parents.

rhondajean · 05/02/2012 23:21

Why can't I have a joint account AND a personal account? (as I do actually).

And no one is talking about mentioning purchases. The comments were about asking permission.

You view things in a very it's all one way or the other way I afraid.

sozzledchops · 05/02/2012 23:22

There are SAHMs who don't have to ask permission on what they spend, but hey if working makes you feel superior and in a position to make snide comments, hey ho...

Quattrocento · 05/02/2012 23:23

Nah it was someone saying that the park was preferable to work. Which depends on the nature of the work primarily, although the quality of the park may just have something to do with it. Although that's unlikely. Parks being generally quite dire IME.

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 23:23

You can have what you like! As can everyone else.

LineRunner · 05/02/2012 23:24

I'm a lone parent and I feel I have to somehow combine being a working parent with being a stay-at-home parent.

I'm fucking exhausted, to be honest.

skybluepearl · 05/02/2012 23:24

The other way of looking at it that I would be earning the same amount as my DH if I wasn't looking after the kids.

callmemrs · 05/02/2012 23:24

Agree rhonda - massive difference between Mentioning something and asking permission.
I also feel a little like some of this is a 1950s timewarp

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 23:25

Still no-one said working mums can't/don't go to the park did they?

rhondajean · 05/02/2012 23:25

Sozzled I realise tht, and I work with working women who do have to ask permission sadly, but I was responding to specific bits of ludicrousness previously.

Quattrocento · 05/02/2012 23:28

Linerunner :( That's hard. Really hard. How many DC have you got? How do you do all the drop-offs and pick-ups and work?

On a different subject, I am quite curious as to where this park is, where the sun always shines. If the sun always shines there, it might outweigh the disadvantages of it being a park.

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 23:28

If you don't have a lot of money you might have to ask. DH might say to me - 'I was thinking of getting a game for the Playstation this week' and I might say - 'can it wait til next week the kids need shoes' and he would say 'course it can'. I'm not sure how that is harking back to the 1950's Confused

callmemrs · 05/02/2012 23:30

'who would want to go to work, anyway, it's crap, see me, I'm in the park on a sunny day... With my kids'

Direct quote from a poster earlier. Juxtaposes being a working parent, and sitting in the park, as if they are mutually exclusive things. What a crock of shite.

HoneyandHaycorns · 05/02/2012 23:31

Linerunner, I'm not surprised you're knackered. Most of us find it hard with a partner, working or otherwise. It's tough to have to do it all by yourself.

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 23:31

Well I assume you don't sit in the park with your kids when you're at work? Nothing to stop you doing it at the weekend though.

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