Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you SAH and your DP works and earns X, you do not therefore earn X yourself

789 replies

catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 09:53

I do not want to start a SAH / WAH bunfight and this is inspired by another thread but......

A thread recently was asking people if they earnt over £40k and I was surprised to see a number of posters saying they were SAHM / SAHD but their partner earnt XX, so therefore they did too.

Now, I am not commenting on the value of the work a stay at home partner does - the value is huge and it is a tough, worthwhile thing to do.

But you do not earn. (Even if you should etc etc).

I work. My DH stays at home. If I heard DH saying "oh catgirl earns xxx so I earn xxx too" I would be really peed off and think - "no, no dude - you don't."

We don't have separate money - what's mine is his and vice versa, and I am happy with our arrangement. It is hos money as much as mine, but I earn it. He didn't spend 20 hours negotiating a deal or whatever - that was me.

It has never even occured to me before, but I was just surprised that people felt if DP earned an amount, they earned it too and would actually say, well yes I earn over £40k as DH is a GP or whatever.

It almost felt like some people were saying they were somehow personally doing better than others because they had "married better" which seemed really Hmm

AIBU?

OP posts:
SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 22:37

But callme she doesn't have to work and she doesn't want to - she enjoys being a sahm. And her dh is happy with that. What has it got to do with anyone else?

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 22:38

And I love how you insinuate her dh might die but me posting about shit cms was nasty! Hmm

kerala · 05/02/2012 22:39

I had self esteem from my old job alright but I also didn't have minute off. I ended up working most evenings and weekends, earned a fortune but used to get panic attacks that I was quite literally spending my entire life doing something I didn't particularly enjoy . Couldn't have kept that up after having DC I would never have seen them. Luckily earned enough to take a few years out while DCs small I have never been happier. Froth and splutter away Lorcana everyone is different.

callmemrs · 05/02/2012 22:42

Good try secretmince! I didnt 'insinuate' her dh might die. I pointed out that illness, redundancy and worse are facts of life and can happen to anyone- therefore its best to prepare for being able to cope as best as possible.

To say you 'hate working' is putting yourself in a very vulnerable position because unless for the entire rest of your life you have some other means of support, you're in for a miserable time!

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 22:46

So what did you mean by 'lose his job, get ill or WORSE' then? Hmm

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 22:47

And what a ridiculous argument to say that she should give up being a sahm now - which she enjoys in case her dh gets ill Confused. You might get ill and be unable to work one day - should you give up your job now just in case - so you can get used to it?

callmemrs · 05/02/2012 22:51

I meant he could die, obviously. As could you. Or I. Or anyone. Nothing nasty about stating facts. Obviously no one wants to get sick or may redundant or lose a partner but these things happen- I am stating a fact which applies to everyone.

And i didn't say number taker should not be a sahm. I said to hate the idea of working is a very vulnerable position to be in. You are putting yourself at risk of being very unhappy should your circumstances dictate you need to work. Number taker would be in a far stronger position if she was able to find work she did enjoy if she is in a position where she needs to.

Surely no one can disagree with that?!

callmemrs · 05/02/2012 22:55

You're being really obtuse secretmince. I did NOT say she should give up being a SAHM. That is her and her dh's decision. I said she would be better off as a SAHM knowing that going out to work would be something she could do without being totally miserable.

Equally I would say that a WOHP is in a stronger position if they knew that they wouldn't be totally miserable staying at home if circumstances dictate. Redundancies happen. Childrens needs may change. Someone who has the ability to embrace those situations and cope with them is in a stronger

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 22:55

Yes everyone will die - still quite nasty to use it to point score though.

Anyway I'm sure numbertaker will take your advice and if she needs to work she will try not to get a job she hates Hmm

LineRunner · 05/02/2012 22:55

Actually the big risk is what happened to me, totally out of the blue, and to thousands of other women.

My husband walked out.

It was easier for him to get out of a marriage contract and a moral responsibility to his children that it was for him to end a contract with his local gym.

That's fucking scary.

callmemrs · 05/02/2012 22:55

A stronger position than one who can't, no?

rhondajean · 05/02/2012 22:56

Jesus fucking Christ at people having to ask before they buy things.

I may have to hide this thread. Although I think it's already fallen back to 1952 through a wormhole.

I am a person not an expense.

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 22:57

I don't have to ask - I just do cos it's polite. If you share finances the other person might have money earmarked for something else.

And get this dh will even ask me before buying a big purchase with money HE HAS EARNED!!!!!

callmemrs · 05/02/2012 22:59

Oh grow up secretmince- it's nothing to do with Pointscoring. I was stating facts. And yes, I hope she would be able to find a job that she doesn't hate- but as she said her only experience of working was awful, it's not a great position to be in

None of us know what's round the corner.

HoneyandHaycorns · 05/02/2012 22:59

:( linerunner, that sucks, I'm sorry.

Quattrocento · 05/02/2012 23:00

Gawd spare me from time in the park. Ghastly places. Still, each to their own. Do you wander around the park when the children are at school? Or is the joy of parks confined to pre-school age children?

rhondajean · 05/02/2012 23:01

Wow SMS defensive much?

I wasn't even talking about anything you said.

Although now you bring it up.

I am the child of a sahm, this is the reason I would,never inflict such a life upon my own children.

HoneyandHaycorns · 05/02/2012 23:02

FWIW, I would talk to my DH before buying something big/expensive, and he would talk to me. I'm the main breadwinner, but we both have a say in how our money gets spent.

I don't think it's that 1950s for couples to consult each other on stuff like that - just good manners in my humble opinion.

callmemrs · 05/02/2012 23:03

Quattro- the joy of parks is confined to SAHM don't you know? The sun shines only on them as they sit in the park reading picnicking with their precious offspring.

Big black cloud over all the rest of us Grin

MysteriousHamster · 05/02/2012 23:03

To go back a bit to some stuff raised earlier in the thread, I'm a working parent but earn a somewhat lower salary than my husband. I would never claim to earn any part of his salary. He gets that through the specific work he does each day. However, like SAHMs I do think of his money as part of the family income - it just so happens that I pay in as well.

I do think it's worth noting that many relationships involve compromise and that often the mother (occasionally the father) makes a sacrifice to her earning potential when a couple has children.

My husband could earn the same as he does now with or without children. However, without children, indeed without my husband, I would probably earn more. I have made sacrifices several times now to follow his job around (meaning I had to start over in my career), and would probably earn more if I hadn't gone on maternity leave/gone back on shorter hours too.

Of course I have willingly agreed to this situation and would do again, but it shows, alongside the 'my partner couldn't work without me doing childcare' argument that you shouldn't necessarily attach too much to value to salary.
Re. the OP, I do agree that generally people should claim to earn money they don't actually earn. However I do think it's important to understand that once someone's in a relationship there may be several reasons why partner X earns Y and the other doesn't earn as much/at all. For many people staying at home/earning less genuinely does enable the other to go out and get more money.

Hmmm I suspect that makes less sense than it does in my head. I blame wine.

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 23:04

I'm not defensive and I know you weren't addressing me. I just think that unless you're absolutelyloaded and it won't be missed and you have joint finances it's polite and sensible to consult with your partner before you buy anything big.

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 23:06

And what life would that be rhonda - because obviously the lives of all the kids of sahps are exactly the same.

LineRunner · 05/02/2012 23:06

Thank you for noticing me, Honeyandhaycorns. Grin

rhondajean · 05/02/2012 23:07

Happy to be in the minority but I pay my agreed share of the bills and beyond that, I can handle my own finances, I am a grown up tyvm.

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 23:08

I think some people on here are reading a different thread. Where did ANYONE say parents who work can't/don't go to the park?