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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you SAH and your DP works and earns X, you do not therefore earn X yourself

789 replies

catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 09:53

I do not want to start a SAH / WAH bunfight and this is inspired by another thread but......

A thread recently was asking people if they earnt over £40k and I was surprised to see a number of posters saying they were SAHM / SAHD but their partner earnt XX, so therefore they did too.

Now, I am not commenting on the value of the work a stay at home partner does - the value is huge and it is a tough, worthwhile thing to do.

But you do not earn. (Even if you should etc etc).

I work. My DH stays at home. If I heard DH saying "oh catgirl earns xxx so I earn xxx too" I would be really peed off and think - "no, no dude - you don't."

We don't have separate money - what's mine is his and vice versa, and I am happy with our arrangement. It is hos money as much as mine, but I earn it. He didn't spend 20 hours negotiating a deal or whatever - that was me.

It has never even occured to me before, but I was just surprised that people felt if DP earned an amount, they earned it too and would actually say, well yes I earn over £40k as DH is a GP or whatever.

It almost felt like some people were saying they were somehow personally doing better than others because they had "married better" which seemed really Hmm

AIBU?

OP posts:
nkf · 05/02/2012 20:48

Before the two big twentieth century wars, many of the domestic tasks now done by women were actually done by servants. The idea that they are jobs done by all women wasn't always the case. The wife of ,say, an Edwardian solicitor would have had staff.

If you look at how motherhood was idolised in the 19th century, it was never about the jobs she did. It was about the tenderness and intensity of her love.

It's only later on that it became about Bisto and cupcakes and playdates.

Truckulentagain · 05/02/2012 20:53

There are more male gold-diggers than female?

Is there a study on that as well? Is that a London phenomenon?

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 20:54

Attention-wise I do think that kids will generally get more one on one attention in a if they are an only child/the less children there are. The parents will also generally be financially better off. But there are good sides to big families to so it's down to personal priorities/preference isn't it.

ElusiveCamel · 05/02/2012 20:56

No, they can have more than 3 (5 i think) if the rest of them are older.
Yes, but they can have no more than under 3 under 5s at any one time. And those include the CM's own children. We used a CM for a short while and her Ofsted inspection stated she could look after 3 under 5's and have her own children (who were older) at home at the same time,

HoneyandHaycorns · 05/02/2012 20:58

My dd is an only child. I think there are very few benefits tbh

HappyMummyOfOne · 05/02/2012 21:05

"Its to do with the number of caregivers, the quality of care and the number of hours in the day. The best cm in the world isn't going to be able to give 5 kids each the same attention as 1"

Am intrigued what you plan to do when your child goes to school, imagine having to be educated in a class with 25+ - they stand no chance in life Hmm

Children do best when they are nurtured and encouraged, you dont need to me a SAHP to do that at all.

I agree with parents being an influencing factor, if I had a daughter i'd like her to see that work and a family can go hand in hand and that she doesnt have to chose one or the other or marry "well". Hopefully DS will grow up with a gret work ethic and that both mums and dads can work rather than him being expected to work full time to support another adult who chooses not too.

Laquitar · 05/02/2012 21:06

I said maybe they are even more.

No study but there are many female high earners. And many of them have found themselves childless in their late 30s and sort of panic, drop their standards and become practical/cynical. As i said this observation is based on my social circle only - as i was single/childless until i was 38 which means i was socialising with single/childless women of similar age. Then i was in a group for mums over 40 and met similar women.

There are plenty career focused women with pots of money out there and there are plenty work-shy men, why is this strange? Not every woman earns low and not every man is ambitious and successful.

Laquitar · 05/02/2012 21:07

sorry this was replying to truck

callmemrs · 05/02/2012 21:08

Secretmincerinser- you told us several pages ago that you don't earn enough to pay for childcare. You added that anyway, the only options you have are local childminders who are a poor standard and who you wouldn't want to leave your children with.

So why are you now claiming that 'I could work if I want to'??

I am not judging you and your dh's decision for you not to work- that's entirely your choice- but the inconsistencies in your posts make it difficult to follow your argument.

As I read it, you can't afford to work, even if you could the only childcare options in your particular area aren't good, so therefore you have no choice about your situation. It's lucky that you enjoy it anyway, but it's disingenuous to claim several pages later that actually this is all your choice.

Laquitar · 05/02/2012 21:10

elusive yes, 3 under 5 and the rest (2?) over 5yo and then i think there is more allowance for over 8 but i'm not sure.

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 21:12

HappyMummyofOne I think as kids get older they don't need so much child/adult interaction and socialising with other kids becomes more important. I'm sure some home educators might disagree with me though. I'm just doing things how I think is best like everyone else.

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 21:19

callmemrs - if you read back I actually said (twice now) that I would pay more than I earn for childcare not that WE as a family couldn't afford it. Neither me or dh wanted me to go to work and have someone else look after our kids when I could do it myself and we would be better off as a result.
Having not used a cm myself I only have experience of the ones I met at toddler groups and lets just say I doubt the parents would have been happy with how their kids were being looked after. I'm sure there are other good childminders in my area but since I don't want to use one I haven't looked.

callmemrs · 05/02/2012 21:23

Ah right, so you hang out at toddler groups checking out the quality of childminders and smugly telling yourself that the parents employing these childminders wouldn't be happy with how their children are being cared for.

And yet you're not judging anyone!

Thanks for clarifying that Grin

TattyDevine · 05/02/2012 21:26

Paying more than you can earn for childcare does not mean you have no choice but to not work. It means you choose not to work, and one of the reasons you chose not to may or may not be to do with the fact that the childcare costs might make more of an impact even with you working than if they didn't exist at all. Its still a choice. Unless your household income leaves so little disposable income that this money to supplement childcare costs could not be found, you still have the choice.

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 21:28

Well I was judging the cm's yes. Especially the one that left 2 twins about 18 months old strapped in a pushchair outside the door screaming for about half an hour.
And bo - believe it or not I didn't go to the toddler groups to check out childminders I didn't want to use. I went there with my toddler - like people do sometimes Hmm

jellybeans · 05/02/2012 21:29

'Hopefully DS will grow up with a gret work ethic and that both mums and dads can work rather than him being expected to work full time to support another adult who chooses not too.'

A child can see plenty of mums and dads working outside of their own family if there is a SAHP. It isn't as simple as a 'parent choosing not to work'. The SAHP is supporting the family just as much, as well as saving money in many cases. Usually the family have decided together that one will do the paid work and one the fulltime childcare.

Your son may choose for his child to have a full time parent rather than use childcare. Children may choose the opposite to their parents, despite what we teach them. My DC have seen me work and SAH so are quite fine about both and I would be happy for them to do either. I would just hope they are happy and it is through choice.

HoneyandHaycorns · 05/02/2012 21:30

Again, I would emphasise the fact that all kids are different and have different needs. You may think social interaction is unimportant for pre-school children, but when my dd was two and a half, I took the decision to send my her to nursery a few mornings a week precisely because I felt that she did need that social interaction. This categorically wasn't about childcare for us - we already had a wonderful nanny who was our preferred choice of childcare, and it was far more convenient to have her come to our home than to get dd in the car and drive 20mins to the nursery. I actually had the nanny take her there in the end, and paid twice for the privilege.

But my dd was a sociable little creature by nature and needed friends to play with after nanny's dd started school. The nanny taking her to toddler groups was one option, but having looked into what was available, we felt the nursery was a better option. I wouldn't have chosen to have her in nursery care full time, but she certainly benefitted from the opportunity to spend some time in that setting.

Likewise, when we moved just before dd's fourth birthday - DH decided to stay at home with her till she started school, as we were no longer near our nanny, but we felt that it was important for her to make new friends and so we put her in nursery three mornings a week. Quite a lot of SAHPs do the same, I think?

callmemrs · 05/02/2012 21:30

You know what? I reckon most working parents can deal with the occasional snidy comment - 'why bother having children if you're going to work?' etc. They laugh it off as borne out of sone form of underlying resentment

But to try to attack working parents by hinting darkly that 'they wouldn't be happy if they knew how their child was really being cared for ' is a really low thing to do.

TattyDevine · 05/02/2012 21:30

Oh I have seen bad childminders out and about too. And good ones as well, particularly at preschool pickup.

Newsflash - some childminders are better than others! Grin

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 21:33

I would like to think that the cm's I have come across are the exception rather than the rule. And I was hinting at no such thing. Are people who complain about bad teachers suggesting no child should ever go to school?

callmemrs · 05/02/2012 21:35

You know exactly what you're doing secretmince. You are saying that actually, working parents of pre school children don't know how their children are being cared for and would be unhappy if they did.

Nasty stuff

Laquitar · 05/02/2012 21:37

callmemrs are you trying to pick something on every post of secret? Grin You keep asking her questions and then pick on every word.
FWIW i too disagree with couple of things that she has has said but i challenged her once and thats it. You seem very wind up.

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 21:39

I agree Laquitar - time to ignore I think.

HoneyandHaycorns · 05/02/2012 21:42

Of course there are bad CMs, just as there are bad SAHMs.

Most parents are able to tell if their children are happy and thriving, and will move them if they're not.

For me, the relationship that dd had - and still has - with her old nanny and her lovely family is one of the most positive things I could have wished for. We may now be 200+ miles away, but the bond is as strong now as it was when we moved three years ago. The fact that the nanny talks to her on skype every week and travels half way across the country to visit her tells me that my instincts at the time were not wrong - she was very happy and well cared for by someone who was genuinely very fond of her.

numbertaker · 05/02/2012 21:45

He and I vowed 'all that I have I give to you, all that I have I share with you'. He earns I earn, I earn, he earns. Well I suppose if you have not taken those vows then you may see it differently.

Who would want to go to work anyway, its crap, see me I am in the park on a sunny day....with my kids.