To think if you SAH and your DP works and earns X, you do not therefore earn X yourself

[catgirl1976]

I do not want to start a SAH / WAH bunfight and this is inspired by another thread but......

A thread recently was asking people if they earnt over £40k and I was surprised to see a number of posters saying they were SAHM / SAHD but their partner earnt XX, so therefore they did too.

Now, I am not commenting on the value of the work a stay at home partner does - the value is huge and it is a tough, worthwhile thing to do.

But you do not earn. (Even if you should etc etc).

I work. My DH stays at home. If I heard DH saying "oh catgirl earns xxx so I earn xxx too" I would be really peed off and think - "no, no dude - you don't."

We don't have separate money - what's mine is his and vice versa, and I am happy with our arrangement. It is hos money as much as mine, but I earn it. He didn't spend 20 hours negotiating a deal or whatever - that was me.

It has never even occured to me before, but I was just surprised that people felt if DP earned an amount, they earned it too and would actually say, well yes I earn over £40k as DH is a GP or whatever.

It almost felt like some people were saying they were somehow personally doing better than others because they had "married better" which seemed really

AIBU?

Im not a WOHM who is complaining !
I like Wordfactory looked like a SAHM but actually managed to keep my career going and didnt use childcare because when I went to work DH (flexible)looked after the children.
I found that HUGE assumptions were made that working parents barely spent a second with their children when in fact lots of WOHP have flexible working arrangements and carefully planned their home lives.
As for secretmincerinser Sorry but your referring to your very clever DD made me snort - my DD ( so sad - the child of WOH parents) had a reading age of 11 age 6 and got straight A* in her GCSEs . Poor child

Don't you credit working parents with making decisions based on their knowledge of their child then, secretmince?? If a childminder is better for a child then parents will choose that, if a nursery is better they'll choose that.
Parents do actually take a lot of time, care and effort making these major decisions you know.

I have not once sad that SAHP is superior to working
Oh come on you have inferred it !

Honey of course the childs natural ability matters but a child who is interacted with more is generally going to come on better than one interacted with less. Nothing to do with whether it's a parent or not. Its to do with the number of caregivers, the quality of care and the number of hours in the day. The best cm in the world isn't going to be able to give 5 kids each the same attention as 1.

said

I have said it is better for me - which yoou would hope as it's what I've chosen to do. I've also listed a number of scenarios I can think of where parents are better off working - and I'm sure there are more I haven't thought of.

I wonder if there's been any studies on the effect of one parent working very long hours and not seeing their children much, and the other parent stays at home.
And two parents who work shorter hours and are around a lot.

Rather than just if the mother works or stays at home.

Has the award for best/most reading to kids been awarded yet? Surely some of you are in the running.

Seriously...

It's getting a bit silly.

secret to some extent I agree, obviously it's important that a child has good interaction with its carers. But I also think that young children need downtime to relax, to explore and to process what they have learned. Intensive 1:1 attention could be quite suffocating actually. Of course, this is actually quite rare - most SAHPs will be focused on housework and/or other children some of the time, while most CMs will have other DCs to look after. IMO that's healthy and beneficial for the child.

In any case, I think CMs can only look after three kids under five at any one time.

I don't know truck but it would be interesting. SIL does pretty much that - she works 3 days, her bf works 3 days (2 different) and they use a cm one day a week.
DH works 4-12 shifts so he is around a lot too. I think it's important that both parents have a big input.
I was also wondering how many sahp's had a sahp themselves. My mum stayed at home and dh's dad did which might be why we were both adamant it's what we wanted for ours. The only other friend I have who is a sahp through choice had her mum at home too.

Smr is getting a hard time on this thread. She said she feels her being a asbo is the best chidcare for her dcs. I'm guessing if she didn't think that she wouldn't be doing it.

Truck Do I win ?- DD taught DS to read ( while I reclined on the sofa)

"a penny saved is a penny earnt"

yabu, your poor dp

I agree nfk I wish I'd never mentioned it. Then everyone wouldn't feel the need to post how smug I am followed by how their child read themselves War and Peace at 6 months old.

Unfortunate correction there. I meant sahm of course

asbo ????

Sarahlundred- no I win, my dd taught herself

OOPs xpost !!

I imagine that lots of SAHPs had SAHPs themselves, as many women had little choice a generation or so ago.

My mum was a SAHP, and in many ways I'm grateful to her - it was lovely having her at home. However, her experience was also a major factor in me wanting to have my own career, and I think my sister would say likewise. We are all coloured by our own family experience, I guess - just in different ways.

I should think a few asbos would make a world of difference to anyone's parenting.

callmemrs did she share her knowledge though ?

Honestly my DD and Ds have lots of friends (all lovely) they are bright,considerate teenagers . Could I pick out those with SAHP or those with WOHP Guess what - NO
Whether you SAH or WOH or do a bit of both - most parents move heaven and earth to ensure their DC are happy and well cared for.

Sorry to go back to the thread but i just wanted to say that there are as many male goldiggers as female ones out there. Maybe more male actually. Many women of our generation have focused on career in their 20s and 30s and then settled for a low-earner who was good 'sperm donor'. I was 'older mum'-in london-and seen many cases like this in my group.

So it is not just woman-golddigger looking for rich man. There are plenty single women with high careers earning plenty money too. And low earner males who after them.

The best cm in the world isn't going to be able to give 5 kids each the same attention as 1.
Quite, because it would be illegal! You do know that child ratios are governed and that the ratio is 1:3 or 1:4 for older children. My son's nursery never ever has more than 1:3, including for the preschoolers.

No, they can have more than 3 (5 i think) if the rest of them are older.

SecretMinceRinser "Its to do with the number of caregivers, the quality of care and the number of hours in the day. The best cm in the world isn't going to be able to give 5 kids each the same attention as 1"

On that basis, do you equally think that a child with no siblings is at a disadvantage to a child with, say, 4 siblings? Because from your argument, the parent of a family with multiple children won't be giving each child as much attention as any one of those children would get on their own.