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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you SAH and your DP works and earns X, you do not therefore earn X yourself

789 replies

catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 09:53

I do not want to start a SAH / WAH bunfight and this is inspired by another thread but......

A thread recently was asking people if they earnt over £40k and I was surprised to see a number of posters saying they were SAHM / SAHD but their partner earnt XX, so therefore they did too.

Now, I am not commenting on the value of the work a stay at home partner does - the value is huge and it is a tough, worthwhile thing to do.

But you do not earn. (Even if you should etc etc).

I work. My DH stays at home. If I heard DH saying "oh catgirl earns xxx so I earn xxx too" I would be really peed off and think - "no, no dude - you don't."

We don't have separate money - what's mine is his and vice versa, and I am happy with our arrangement. It is hos money as much as mine, but I earn it. He didn't spend 20 hours negotiating a deal or whatever - that was me.

It has never even occured to me before, but I was just surprised that people felt if DP earned an amount, they earned it too and would actually say, well yes I earn over £40k as DH is a GP or whatever.

It almost felt like some people were saying they were somehow personally doing better than others because they had "married better" which seemed really Hmm

AIBU?

OP posts:
HoneyandHaycorns · 05/02/2012 19:15

Hmm. I honestly don't think I really thought about it. Confused I was always confident that I could earn enough to keep myself in the style to which I was accustomed, so I wasn't too bothered about the potential earnings of a spouse - but I don't think I consciously rejected a particular pattern either.

I wouldn't have married someone who I considered to be imprudent with money, as I'm not a risk taker. But I don't think I ever really considered earning capacity per se.

kerala · 05/02/2012 19:22

Its a bonkers tactic though. The high earner could lose his job/have a break down. The chap from a wealthy family could get cut out of the will.

Personally am a hopeless golddigger - was asked out by the only son of one of the richest families in the country and turned him down as didn't fancy him much to DHs amusement.

Also funny is when the unprepossessing man that your girlfriends sneer at pulls it out of the bag. The most unmaterially minded of my friends married quite a humble non professional man who ended up making an absolute fortune.

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 19:26

Itetwowki - How does that work though? Genuinely I don't know. If you are working a 9-5 or later by the time you've got from work to childcare and then home surely it's a case of tea/bathtime/bed for young kids?

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 19:29

Or even if they eat at the cm's wouldn't they be tired? Maybe I am just going on dd - she prefers to be read to at bedtime.

Anyway all I said was that having time to do stuff like that in the daytime is one of the reasons I'm glad I stay at home. I'm sure people have reasons they are glad they work (money??) so I don't see the problem in pointing out the benefits, as I see them, of staying at home.

olgaga · 05/02/2012 19:31

They earn what they earn because they are capable of doing the job they are paid to do.

Just because SAH work is unpaid it doesn't mean it adds no value to the household. How much do you think it would cost for 24 hour childcare, cleaning, laundry, shopping, cooking...

There wouldn't be much left out of that salary.

It's family income. I think you're being pedantic.

callmemrs · 05/02/2012 19:33

It's not rocket science secretmincerinser.

You pick the children up from their childcare (where they'll have spent the day doing similar things to what they would Probably do at home) and then you do the evening routine, reading, tea, bath etc

HoneyandHaycorns · 05/02/2012 19:34

The most unmaterially minded of my friends married quite a humble non professional man who ended up making an absolute fortune.

My DH still believes this is going to happen to him. Thankfully, I have a plan to pay off the mortgage*

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 19:41

OK I just didn't think kids would be too bothered about reading after a tiring day but they're all different.

callmemrs · 05/02/2012 19:44

I think you're making all sorts of assumptions about whether children will be tired/ not tired/ up for reading etc
I wouldn't worry about it secretmincerinser. As you said, you don't earn enough to pay for childcare anyway, so you dont have a choice about your situation, so why not just enjoy it and don't fret about other people who choose to work?

Quattrocento · 05/02/2012 19:45

I used to read to the DCs around 5 nights out of 7. DH did the other two. It's set a pattern lasting now through adolescence - I don't read to them nowadays of course, but it's our time when we connect and chat through the day's events.

HoneyandHaycorns · 05/02/2012 19:46

secret, indeed, all kids are different and all families develop different routines to fit their needs. Some kids will nap more in the day and go to bed later than others. Some will get up early in the morning and have time with their parents then. In my own case, I worked a split shift when dd was younger so that she stayed with her nanny in the mornings, with me in the afternoons and with her dad in the evenings.

There is no right time to do anything, just what works for each family.

HoneyandHaycorns · 05/02/2012 19:48

Oh, and some kids are never tired!

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 05/02/2012 19:48

Secret - you say you read to your children at bedtime.

callmemrs reads to her children at bedtime, as do most parents

I am unsure why you would think this differed based on the parent working or not, or why at day with a child minder is a more tiring day than with a parent.

It's just their normal day, not a tiring day?

OP posts:
HoneyandHaycorns · 05/02/2012 19:50

I think secret was saying that she reads to her dd at bedtime, but listens to her dd read during the day. Which is fine if that suits them, but there are plenty of other ways of doing it. Wink

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 05/02/2012 19:53

oh right I see

I think CMs do lots of reading too - don't they have to follow key stages and stuff. Would that not include a lot of reading? So a child would still get lots of reading even if it wasnt with a parent and then would have time to read / be read to with the parents in the evening?

OP posts:
SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 19:54

callmemrs - as I said we could get by if I wanted to work but I don't. I wouldn't be earning much because I had only just graduated when dd was born but well done you for having a well paid job! (Is that what you wanted me to say?).

I don't think working mums can complain, on the one hand that because they work they have so much more to fit in when they get home but then get up in arms when a stay at home mum says that one of the benefits of staying at home is having more time to do stuff in the day. And yes - if you've got decent quality child care they will be doing stimulating things with your kids but where there are a lot of kids and not many adults there won't be as much one-on-one time for each child - whether that's a childcare setting or a family with a lot of children.

HoneyandHaycorns · 05/02/2012 19:57

Yes, but a CM might not be trusted to do it right Wink and then little tarquin might not end up being so far ahead in her reading.

Though dd taught herself to read at 3 without anyone ever listening to her. She might have graduated by the time she was 5 if only I'd stayed at home with her!

callmemrs · 05/02/2012 19:58

Erm... I don't need you to say anything about my job secretmince. I was simply pointing out that in an earlier post you said you did not earn enough to make working worthwhile. Therefore you don't have a choice about your situation- though great that you enjoy it Smile

Who said WOHM are complaining? I think you're now imagining posts which aren't there! I'm not complaining. Yes, it may mean you're packing quite a bit into the day but so what? You just learn to create routines which work for your family.

callmemrs · 05/02/2012 19:59

Grin honey!

HoneyandHaycorns · 05/02/2012 20:02

We never used a group setting for childcare, but it's arguable that a childminder would have much better educational resources precisely because of the number of children involved. Not to mention the benefits of experience from working with different children & different learning styles. There are pros & cons to everything!

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 20:07

Is there a right and wrong way then?
I love how you are accusing others of being smug yet the not-so-stealth boasts are coming thick and fast in your posts!

For the record I've not said that there is anything superior about sah parenting. Just good quality childcare - which is fairly obvious.

Being a sahm suits me for many reasons. Just as being a working parent suits others. There are plus and minus points to both. Some people choose to become offended by people talking about the benefits of being a sahm but I don't think anyone has attacked working mothers in the same way sahm's have been attacked on this thread - gold diggers, vacuous etc.

Had I had a really good career that taking time out from would have damaged, or been unable to afford to stay at home, or not wanted to stay at home or many other reasons then I would have returned to work. But it wouldn't have been the right choice for me in my circumstances.

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 20:10

Well I personally think that the benefits from socialising with other kids come later - not before preschool anyway. But that's just my opoinion.

callmemrs · 05/02/2012 20:10

Desperate backpedalling secretmincerinser!!
You are the person who started telling us all about your dd with her accelerated entry into school and reading 4 years ahead of her age.... Apparently all a result of you not having a job!!

Honestly, chill out. I'm sure your daughter is a very clever little girl. Just like the children of many other MNers who may or may not work! Smile

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 20:15

I still don't think that a group child care setting would have the time to put into my kids that they need/get from me. Nothing to do with working or not.
I have said many times that good quality childcare is equal to sah parenting.
You may think I'm backpedalling because some people seem to want to argue points I haven't made or are actually the opposite of points I have made. Show me any 2 posts that have contradicted themselves. I have not once said sahp is superior to working.

HoneyandHaycorns · 05/02/2012 20:16

I have said throughout that I don't think there is one "right" way. There are pros and cons to everything, and if you are doing what suits you, then fair enough.

As for the "stealth boasting", yes I'm proud of my dc's achievements, why shouldn't I be? But I don't ascribe all of those achievements to the decisions I have made about working/not working, or even more generally about how I parent. She's bright because she's bright, and not because I happen to go to work. I cannot claim all the credit for her development, as dd has had a lot of input from several other important people in her life.

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