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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you SAH and your DP works and earns X, you do not therefore earn X yourself

789 replies

catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 09:53

I do not want to start a SAH / WAH bunfight and this is inspired by another thread but......

A thread recently was asking people if they earnt over £40k and I was surprised to see a number of posters saying they were SAHM / SAHD but their partner earnt XX, so therefore they did too.

Now, I am not commenting on the value of the work a stay at home partner does - the value is huge and it is a tough, worthwhile thing to do.

But you do not earn. (Even if you should etc etc).

I work. My DH stays at home. If I heard DH saying "oh catgirl earns xxx so I earn xxx too" I would be really peed off and think - "no, no dude - you don't."

We don't have separate money - what's mine is his and vice versa, and I am happy with our arrangement. It is hos money as much as mine, but I earn it. He didn't spend 20 hours negotiating a deal or whatever - that was me.

It has never even occured to me before, but I was just surprised that people felt if DP earned an amount, they earned it too and would actually say, well yes I earn over £40k as DH is a GP or whatever.

It almost felt like some people were saying they were somehow personally doing better than others because they had "married better" which seemed really Hmm

AIBU?

OP posts:
HoneyandHaycorns · 05/02/2012 14:19

Shock at mrsshadenfreude! I am surprised that people would be so blatantly rude! I have encountered one or two odd comments from SAHMs over the years, but very few and much more subtle than anything you have mentioned!

IME, most people in RL don't pass judgement! Some of my closest friends are SAHMs and none of us have any issue with the way in which we choose to live our lives or raise our kids! The topic of WOH or SAH rarely ever arises!

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 14:20

Maybe the were jealous - maybe they were just bitchy. Who knows? Are working mums jealous of sahm's who 'lunch' and can't fill their day with trips to the gym/salon? I am and I don't bloody work!

callmemrs · 05/02/2012 14:24

Really? That seems a dead weird thing to be jealous of tbh! Deadly dull. Horses for courses I suppose

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 14:28

Every day would probably get a bit much. But there are sadder causes for me to worry about.

scottishmummy · 05/02/2012 14:29

With exception of precious moments mamas no one care in rl
but on mn it's all humphy faces Angry Sad and research and statistics from shitsville uni.

Bit of biddulph, some OJ and its same ole same ole

jellybeans · 05/02/2012 14:33

I am a SAHM and DH works full time. I see it as our family money, it is our household money along with CB etc. and other income we may have. I enable DH to work because he works very odd changing shifts, so we are both doing our share. I am with the kids almost all the time but don't say i am raising them soley, DH has an input too.

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 05/02/2012 14:35

Oh my lovely thread :(

I think we all do what we think is best for our children, our families and ourselves within the cirucmstances and resources we have.

No one way is better or worse than another - every situation has its pro's and con's. Every child is different, every family is different and we all have different financial and career situations.

We all do our bloody best though, and beyond that, there is nothing to judge.

OP posts:
nkf · 05/02/2012 14:47

Blimey.So, someone's husbands thinks women can be nasty. Ladies, ladies. I hope you are chastened. Leave him out of it. His views don't add weight to the argument.

nkf · 05/02/2012 14:56

I think some of you have been very unlucky in the level of rudeness you've encountered. I haven't but since reading MN, I kind of suspect that some people probably think things about me that they don't vocalise.

sozzledchops · 05/02/2012 17:37

"Being an expat, I also see a lot of women who have clearly targeted the "high flying exec expat" as good husband material, because marrying them means that they won't have to work outside the home ever again. They are very much the wife at home, making life nice for their husband - they don't do housework, they are very much the "coffee morning" brigade. DD1's teacher described one of the mums in DD's class as "one of those who has nothing better to do than get her nails painted", which I think sums it up quite nicely."

Mrs Shadenfraud, maybe they sense your disdain for them and your sense of superiority.

LineRunner · 05/02/2012 17:40

As I said upthread, all kinds of different lifestyles are tenable.

It's not a fucking competition.

LineRunner · 05/02/2012 17:41

Or is it....?

rhondajean · 05/02/2012 17:46

Of course it is! We all want to think we are doing better than the next person...or at least not doing worse....!

Molehillmountain · 05/02/2012 18:05

Can I win the competition for the person who puts least value on what someone does for a living as a measure of their worth as a human being? Or for person most likely to sit on the fence in any given discussion?

LineRunner · 05/02/2012 18:19

No, I want to win that prize.

Molehillmountain · 05/02/2012 18:22

No, me, me, I win ! Grin

Molehillmountain · 05/02/2012 18:23

Anyway line runner, what did you say you did for a living? Wink

wordfactory · 05/02/2012 18:35

nfk I work from home, but because I do all the school runs etc lots of Mums initially think I'm a SAHM.

Some of the things they say make me Shock. Obviously they would never say those things to a WOHM's face, but they kinda assume I'm one of them. One even suggested, wihtout any irony, that she thinks dyslexia is associated with women working.

When it eventually comes out that I have quite a big career, I do smile to myself. Sometimes they do the 'oh but it's different for you, Wordfactory' routine.

missslc · 05/02/2012 18:55

It is interesting that here in the States being able to have a sahp is actually seen as a status symbol, whereas in the uk I got far more an impression of some unspoken dismissal of sahm.....and those cliches.....
Oh I need the intellectual stimulation of my work........
I do think that for some reason culturally in the uk people are far more defensive about being a working mum in particular, and with that defense goes a dismissal of the mums who stay home, by many.
I have been really shocked by how many professional women here are apologetic and guilt laden about having returned to work when little ones are involved, whereas in the uk there is more of a.......I need to go back to work and I will.
Just an interesting difference I have observed.
You are openly envied if you can not return to work here as you may be for having a big house or whatever.
One country,s status symbol is another,s cause for a subtle put down.

Iteotwawki · 05/02/2012 18:55

I was at a course a few months ago and there was a lecture given by the chap that does parenting / child psychology - the Politically Incorrect guides. Anyway, he said that deep in most people's minds is a fear that either everyone else has "got it" (grown up, got the income/lifestyle/work/life balance sorted, raising kids without making mistakes, etc) while they personally are still struggling with many aspects of their lives. Apparently subconsciously we spend much of our time comparing ourselves to others.

So it's hardly surprising that people are defensive of their lifestyle choices - whether to sah or woh - if the feeling is so widespread as he was suggesting. Nigel Latta, remembered the name now. Very interesting chap.

I woh - long hours, weekends, evenings, odd shifts including on calls where I have to drop everything and rush in - and I couldn't do it without the flexibility of having my husband at home with the boys. I do ask him things like "did we get paid this month" or "when do we get paid next" because although I'm the only one physically earning, it all goes into the same pot as soon as it hits the bank. Probably the only time I use "I" is things like "did I claim my expenses for X or Y andave they paid us?" However, if he were to be asked what he earned, he'd just state his salary (he works from home, running our business) and not think to mention mine. If he was asked our family income as a whole, he'd include both.

Oh - for Secret - I work odd hours, weekends and all - I still listen to my boys read every day. FWIW my 5 year old has been accelerated 2 years and is reading fluently well above his classmates. Not going to claim it's got anything to do with me working full time though! The 4 year old has yet to start school, but he seems equally as bright. Which also has bugger all to do with me working or otherwise.

MrsSchadenfreude · 05/02/2012 18:57

I don't think I have disdain for them, Sozzled, and certainly no sense of superiority. Smile Not a life I would choose, but some of them clearly did - and said as much to me - "I married X because I had no intention of working and I knew I could have a nice easy life with him. He's away a lot, so I don't actually have to see him that often anyway." The frank ones, who admitted this, were not the ones who were rude to me.

nkf · 05/02/2012 19:02

Women clearly stating their intention of marrying "well" do exist. Their numbers are hard to guess at but I do know of a few. It doesn't necessarly mean they don't care for men and are wholly mercenary. it's just they don't intend to take on all that marriage requires without getting a certain sort of lifestyle in return.

Personally, I think there is a reason Jane Austen novels still resonate today. Many women (more that the category I mentioned above) know that a husband's income is a key determiner of how they will live. They know that women's incomes are lower on the whole and they know that having children hurts their earning power.

HoneyandHaycorns · 05/02/2012 19:06

Oh dear, I obviously married badly! Grin

nkf do you think women consciously think like that? Or are you suggesting that it's sub-conscious.

callmemrs · 05/02/2012 19:07

Scary attitude in 2012

nkf · 05/02/2012 19:09

For some conscious. Definitely. For others subconsciously. And some women consciously try to reject all those patterns.

Not very helpful, I know.

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