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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you SAH and your DP works and earns X, you do not therefore earn X yourself

789 replies

catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 09:53

I do not want to start a SAH / WAH bunfight and this is inspired by another thread but......

A thread recently was asking people if they earnt over £40k and I was surprised to see a number of posters saying they were SAHM / SAHD but their partner earnt XX, so therefore they did too.

Now, I am not commenting on the value of the work a stay at home partner does - the value is huge and it is a tough, worthwhile thing to do.

But you do not earn. (Even if you should etc etc).

I work. My DH stays at home. If I heard DH saying "oh catgirl earns xxx so I earn xxx too" I would be really peed off and think - "no, no dude - you don't."

We don't have separate money - what's mine is his and vice versa, and I am happy with our arrangement. It is hos money as much as mine, but I earn it. He didn't spend 20 hours negotiating a deal or whatever - that was me.

It has never even occured to me before, but I was just surprised that people felt if DP earned an amount, they earned it too and would actually say, well yes I earn over £40k as DH is a GP or whatever.

It almost felt like some people were saying they were somehow personally doing better than others because they had "married better" which seemed really Hmm

AIBU?

OP posts:
CailinDana · 05/02/2012 13:29

I totally agree with you about how dangerous it is for a mum to base her whole life around her children. The aim of being a parent I think is to encourage your child to become more and more independent of you - "doing yourself out of a job" so to speak. Parenting is a job where the practical element naturally comes to an end (if not the emotional element) and you have to be prepared for that.

fedupofnamechanging · 05/02/2012 13:30

I think women get guilt heaped on them no matter what. Woh mothers feel that they are being judged for not physically being with their dc all the time and sah mothers feel they are judged for not giving their dc a work ethic. It's entirely possible to raise happy children and give them good values, whether you woh or sah. It comes down to whether you are a good parent or not, rather than what you do during the day.

No two people lead exactly the same lives, and everyone does what they think is best, for a myriad of different reasons and we all hope our kids will turn out okay.

To answer the OP, I don't consider that I earn my DH's wage, but I certainly think I help him to earn it.

callmemrs · 05/02/2012 13:31

Cailindana- I hope the writing works out too Smile

I don't think you should feel you're taking the Piss if your dh is happy with it. The important thing is keeping an open dialogue isn't it? As long as one parent isn't just being indulgent at the expense of the other, then there isn't a problem. If at some point in the future your dh wanted to step back a bit with his career, or have some time off, then presumably you would re negotiate. Flexibility is the key thing. It does worry me tbh when I see friends who have not worked for years and have lost their confidence or earning power, because you never know what's round the corner. But if it works out for you to spend time writing then go for it

scottishmummy · 05/02/2012 13:32

No.it's not a given that mums feel guilt
I'm guilt free.never had a twinge
But plenty talk it up as if it's a certainty,a maternal given.when it isnt

rhondajean · 05/02/2012 13:32

Mince you are being disingenuous. People are pointing out that you cannot attribute dc intelligence to whether parents work or SAH but that it's more to do with interest in their education and quality time spent together whatever the household set up. And to genetics/ personality.

It's also impossible to compare whether your child would still be reading at the same level if you did work. And there really is no point comparing your child's intelligence or aptitude to any others.

Anyway back to the point in hand...

HoneyandHaycorns · 05/02/2012 13:32

I think it's a heavy burden for children to be put in a position where their parents life revolves around them. And I'm basing that on my own experiences of my own mother, which I know will skew my viewpoint.

God Rhonda, I so could have written that myself!

secret if you read back through the thread, you'll see that lots of us have acknowledged the value of what SAHPs do. My DH was at home for a while and it was less stressful for all of us.

CailinDana · 05/02/2012 13:34

Well the way my DH puts it is that he loves his career and enjoys going out to work each day. If I had the same thing by staying home and writing it would make him happy. Plus I think he secretly hopes I'll be the next JK Rowling! (extremely unlikely!!)

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 13:36

I have not once said you can attribute dc intelligence to whether you work or not but I do think, to an extent, you get out what you put in (obviouslt within the childs potential) whether that be time from a parent or another caregiver.
Kids statistically achieve better if they have 1:1 care in their early years - whether it is from a blood relative or not.

CailinDana · 05/02/2012 13:40

Secret - the message I'm getting from your posts is that children need 1 to 1 care, only "high quality" childcare will provide that (ie not a nursery or a CM with multiple children) so if a parent sends their child to a CM or nursery then the child is not getting the optimum input. What is your take then on the second child in the family, who is unlikely to get much 1to1 no matter whether there is SAHP or not?

scottishmummy · 05/02/2012 13:41

Statistically achieve better,really?
Do elaborate
You see generally it's the socioeconomics and educational attainment of parents that determine outcomes. Not mode of childcare

Do elaborate upon this research

callmemrs · 05/02/2012 13:41

But why mention your dds reading level at all?!
I haven't felt the need to mention my kids' achievements and attribute them to the fact that I work!

rhondajean · 05/02/2012 13:43

I could also,provide stas that say they are statistically better socialised by spending more time in group situations though.

And WOHM do spend one to one time with their children, it's rather insulting to imply, whether meaning it or not, that you can only do this gym SAH.

Stats do not raise a child, in fact they very rarely prove anything conclusively, the only thing you can base a decision on is your own circumstances. Every child is individual and a setting in which one child thrives can scar another.

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 13:44

I don't think they need it. But is is the ideal imo - finances/circumstances permitting. To an extent subsequent kids are never going to have the same attention as the first child. We are quite lucky that dh tends to work 4-12 so has most of the day with us but as I said different circumstances will mean that different options are better.

Laquitar · 05/02/2012 13:44

I thought you said you have 2 children secret

rhondajean · 05/02/2012 13:46

Www.cckm.ca/Childcare/Evidencequestion1.htm for example

And you could come back with a link

And we could go on all day because there is no definitive answer.

Birdsgottafly · 05/02/2012 13:49

It is the value placed on education and work by the parents that influences the child. You don't have to be working or highly educated to value it. You can be working and highly educated but not value your child, you cannot attack posters choices without knowing them personally.

We cannot decide over the internet what is right or wrong for each other.

IslaValargeone · 05/02/2012 13:49

I don't know whether this has been mentioned previously, but someone early on said that being a sahp has no effect on the earning potential of the 'working' parent. I have to disagree, not everyone has predictable hours.
My dh's earnings would be severely compromised if I worked too. I wouldn't be able to earn enough to plug any gaps that would occur if he didn't have the flexibility that me being at home afforded him.

Molehillmountain · 05/02/2012 13:50

Hello catgirl Smile when good threads go bad.... Wink

horsetowater · 05/02/2012 13:52

WTF does it matter what one person chooses to do over another? If their dcs are healthy and happy, why does it matter whether their parents are at home, working, on the moon, retired, etc etc.

'Fey indignation' (love that phrase) is rampant on mumsnet. It's the same argument whether it's SAHMs, affairs, benefits, SEN, man not doing washing up. It has no place in a decent discussion, apart from making it a little more interesting.

As I said before, a solicitor or insurance company, if you have an accident, will make sure you get compensated for loss of earnings. Choosing to SAH is the same thing and should be seen as such. High earners are more likely to continue working precisely for this reason. For low earners there is perhaps a little less to 'lose' but it's still a career / financial loss for the parent who stays at home.

Remember that looking after children from 3pm til 10pm is also fairly time-consuming. Include the morning run and that's a 9 hour day, outside school hours.

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 13:58

I also haven't said that working parents don'r spend 1 on 1 time with their kids - just that they don't while they are are work - obviously.

rhondajean · 05/02/2012 13:59

Birds, perfectly expressed.

MrsSchadenfreude · 05/02/2012 14:08

As a WOHM, I have been treated with out and out rudeness and disdain by the vast majority of SAHMs I've encountered at the school gate. I've been asked why I had children "to give them to a succession of Filippinas to bring up." (One, actually.) I've had surprise expressed that my house was clean. I've been asked how I live with myself "to not be at home for them when they come home from school." I've been asked why my DD was doing so well at school "because it's not like you can be spending any time with her helping her with reading and maths." I have remained civil and smiley at all times, while biting my tongue. I don't understand quite why this animosity exists - it wouldn't occur to me to be so rude to someone like this, (particularly someone you don't really know) utterly unprovoked. And really...it didn't come across as concern for my children's welfare, just as here's someone who's fair game to have a pop at, because she's different from us.

callmemrs · 05/02/2012 14:12

That's awful mrsschadenfraude and quite extreme. I have never encountered anything like that in real life, not as extreme anyway. Usually it's the more sort of subtle digs. Having said that, one mum did once tell me she felt a bit sorry for my children because they attended the after school club so much. (I told her not to feel sorry for them because they enjoy it and not to feel sorry for me Either because I have a good job!)

It sounds like the women you encountered mrss were jealous maybe.

Popbiscuit · 05/02/2012 14:13

Yikes, Mrs. That is beyond rude. They sound awful.

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 14:17

MrsScadenfreude - while that is completely out of order I can assure you I've also had people tell me I should go back to work, babies/toddlers come on better at nursery etc. At the end of the day it is no-ones business but the family involved. I think people on both sides can be oversensitive. I haven't intended to offend anyone on her and I assume no-one has intended to offend me but it is maybe difficult to see how comments will be perceived when you aren't in a specific situation (although what you have heard is quite blatant imo).
If you, your partner (if you have one) and your kids are happy then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.