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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you SAH and your DP works and earns X, you do not therefore earn X yourself

789 replies

catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 09:53

I do not want to start a SAH / WAH bunfight and this is inspired by another thread but......

A thread recently was asking people if they earnt over £40k and I was surprised to see a number of posters saying they were SAHM / SAHD but their partner earnt XX, so therefore they did too.

Now, I am not commenting on the value of the work a stay at home partner does - the value is huge and it is a tough, worthwhile thing to do.

But you do not earn. (Even if you should etc etc).

I work. My DH stays at home. If I heard DH saying "oh catgirl earns xxx so I earn xxx too" I would be really peed off and think - "no, no dude - you don't."

We don't have separate money - what's mine is his and vice versa, and I am happy with our arrangement. It is hos money as much as mine, but I earn it. He didn't spend 20 hours negotiating a deal or whatever - that was me.

It has never even occured to me before, but I was just surprised that people felt if DP earned an amount, they earned it too and would actually say, well yes I earn over £40k as DH is a GP or whatever.

It almost felt like some people were saying they were somehow personally doing better than others because they had "married better" which seemed really Hmm

AIBU?

OP posts:
SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 13:09

I haven't implied that at all. In fact I have implicitly stated that decent childcare can be as good or in some cases better than being cared for by a parent. Just that I can't afford it and prefer to stay at home.
And I mentioned teaching my child to read in response to a comment about needing to work to stimulate your brain Hmm

Laquitar · 05/02/2012 13:09

SecretMinceRinser the reason that 1:1 care is more expensive is because of the logistics, the cm would charge £12ph in order to cover expenses and make a living and nurseries would have to employ hundreds staff. But there are many benefits for children being with other children (siblings, cousins, cm, nursery) especially in language development. I 've worked as a nanny for 20yrs and i honestly think that when i did nannyshare it was more fun and more beneficial for the children.

CailinDana thats how i have experienced SAHMing too (and i loved it) Smile

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 13:10

Well I could martyr myself banging on about how I go out to work all day and then come home and do everything a sahm does all to teach my kids the value of a days work Hmm

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 05/02/2012 13:11

Please lets not let this thread go bad........it has been a really good thread up till now and in starting it I did not want to create situation where we all judge and criticise other peoples choices

OP posts:
rhondajean · 05/02/2012 13:14

Can I change the topic a little,by asking a question?

Do the sahm mums here intend to return to work when their children are older?

Does that differ between the mums who admit they are sahm for themselves and those who sah its for their children - and indeed those for whom it's the only possible and viable option?

scottishmummy · 05/02/2012 13:14

Mince it's the whole fey indignation oh bashing houswifes again
When no one was...
But the ole rugged cross weighs heavily on your shoulder

rhondajean · 05/02/2012 13:15

And let's not argue - it's a genuine chance to try to understand others pov.

callmemrs · 05/02/2012 13:15

To start going on about how your child is reading 4 years ahead of their age blah blah blah on a thread like this does come across as smug whether you can see it or not.

Anyway secretmince- you said earlier you don't have the earning power for quality childcare so in fact you don't have a choice about working or not. Good that you enjoy not working- but the fact is, by your own admission, you aren't in a position to choose so it seems even more bizarre to be trying to claim that your position is superior

CailinDana · 05/02/2012 13:16

Good question rhonda. I honestly don't know the answer. Ideally I may return to work part time once all my children (however many come along!) are in school but ideally I would only like to work termtime, school hours so it might not be feasible. If my writing actually yields any income I might just spend the hours the children are at school writing which would be fab :)

LineRunner · 05/02/2012 13:17

I think secretmince is arguing that her position is tenable rather than superior.

Just like many other positions are tenable.

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 13:19

OK rhonda - I do intend to return to work when my 2 year old is in preschool/school. Just because while we can get by on what dh earns money is a bit tight. I will try to fit work as much as poss around school hours though. Also I think I would personally be bored but I fully accept that other people aren't and if their partners/they are happy with them staying at home - even when the kids are at school then good luck to them I say.

Laquitar · 05/02/2012 13:19

rhonda i returned once mine were at school.

HoneyandHaycorns · 05/02/2012 13:20

secret, if it has nothing to do with the debate, then why mention it? If you're talking about your own need for stimulation, the level at which your dd is reading simply isn't relevant.

While I agree that a good adult:child ratio is important, I disagree that 1:1 care is the ideal. My own dd is an only child (not by design) and I specifically sought out a nanny who had her own child to look after as well. The benefits that my dd derived from her interaction with this older child would definitely have outweighed the advantages of having the nanny's attention focused exclusively on her. Though obviously she had lots of 1:1 attention from us too, so perhaps a balance is important.

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 13:22

Thankyou linerunner. I'm not arguing my position is superior just that it is as valid as anyone elses.
We could probably just get by if I returned to work but I would be paying around my wage if not a little more on childcare.

CailinDana · 05/02/2012 13:22

I honestly think arguing the specific merits for children really muddies the debate. Every child is different and every one will need different sorts of attention/stimulation/help. If a child has SNs that changes the whole thing entirely. I think it's fair to assume that the vast majority of parents want and do what is best for their child.

HoneyandHaycorns · 05/02/2012 13:23

cailin writing all day while the DCs are in school sounds like heaven! Maybe I should consider a career change! :)

Popbiscuit · 05/02/2012 13:24

Oh Dear. I'm afraid my comment re: "no one can raise my children like I do" was worded inanely. I should have expanded on that. Apologies. It was very late and I was not at my most articulate Wine Grin.

What I meant to say was that no one can provide the quality of care that I provide MY children but ME. I think your feeling on that depends on many factors including how you were raised, your family circumstances, where you are located and the types of childcare that are available to you. Those factors have all contributed to my decision to stay at home with my children, we can afford it and I enjoy it. I'd really like to work as well but I think the cost to OUR family would be too high. It's pretty great to have time to walk the dogs, go running, get all the errands done, study and volunteer (I've never been near a nail salon) and be at home for whatever the kids need. It's what I always wanted to do.

Last night I left this thread open on my laptop and DH was reading through some of the posts on this thread. He was stunned at some of the comments and couldn't believe that women are so vicious to one another Sad.

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 13:24

Well Honey I have been on these threads before and was wanting to make my case that my kids are doing fine despite their unemployed mother role model. And why exactly did you crowbar your childs achievements in? Grin

callmemrs · 05/02/2012 13:25

Exactly honey. It would be like me saying 'i work and my dd is top of the class'- as if my working is a cause of that!
I work for the intellectual and social benefits and for the salary and long term financial security of my pension. I don't claim it makes my children 'better'.

That's why dana's posts have been most refreshing because she makes the same claim regarding staying at home- she likes it and the benefits are for her, nothing less nothing more

scottishmummy · 05/02/2012 13:25

Did you dh think women only opine in kittens
Gosh no,can't expect contention or riposte from women
Stick to cupcakes,eh

CailinDana · 05/02/2012 13:26

Yeah it would be pretty brilliant Honey. The thing is, my DH would love nothing more than for me to do it, it's just that I totally and utterly lack confidence. I enjoy writing so much that I think if had 30 hours a week to do just that I would feel like I was totally taking the piss!

rhondajean · 05/02/2012 13:27

Thank you.

I've seen both points of view as I did SAH for a bit with dd1.

Cailin I really hope the writing works out.

I think i get concerned where sahm has no ambition beyond her children, now that ambition does not need to be about paid employment, but I think it's a heavy burden for children to be put in a position where their parents life revolves around them. And I'm basing that on my own experiences of my own mother, which I know will skew my viewpoint.

There are bad WOHM s and bad sahm s. and good ones in both camp. I think we can allow agree on that?

SecretMinceRinser · 05/02/2012 13:28

So mothers who work are allowed to play the positive working role model/providing for their kids cards but mums who stay at home aren't allowed to express that it benefits their kids in any way? Okay....

HoneyandHaycorns · 05/02/2012 13:28

Simply to make the point that a dc could do well without hours of being hothoused by a SAHP! (and I accept that you are not doing this but it certainly did sound that way)

scottishmummy · 05/02/2012 13:29

What's the strike out posts but still visible
Something to say?spit it oot
Do stop fannying about with oh shall I say it not wee lines.have courage of your Convictions