To think if you SAH and your DP works and earns X, you do not therefore earn X yourself

[catgirl1976]

I do not want to start a SAH / WAH bunfight and this is inspired by another thread but......

A thread recently was asking people if they earnt over £40k and I was surprised to see a number of posters saying they were SAHM / SAHD but their partner earnt XX, so therefore they did too.

Now, I am not commenting on the value of the work a stay at home partner does - the value is huge and it is a tough, worthwhile thing to do.

But you do not earn. (Even if you should etc etc).

I work. My DH stays at home. If I heard DH saying "oh catgirl earns xxx so I earn xxx too" I would be really peed off and think - "no, no dude - you don't."

We don't have separate money - what's mine is his and vice versa, and I am happy with our arrangement. It is hos money as much as mine, but I earn it. He didn't spend 20 hours negotiating a deal or whatever - that was me.

It has never even occured to me before, but I was just surprised that people felt if DP earned an amount, they earned it too and would actually say, well yes I earn over £40k as DH is a GP or whatever.

It almost felt like some people were saying they were somehow personally doing better than others because they had "married better" which seemed really

AIBU?

That fb status makes me want to puke because it implies that dads are not all those things too. My husband might not be physically in the house as much as I am, but he is a dad all the time, no matter where he happens to be physically, and is working his arse off to give his dc nice lives. And when he is not working, he does for our dc, the same things that I do.

Aaagh that fb status is teeth itchingly bad. It is just so incredibly smug. It implies that wohp aren't those things and tbh also implies you are at the beck and call to your child's every whim. As if everything you do/are revolves around the children. That your sum total is what role you provide for your children and as if you shouldn't get any time off because you're a SAHM.

Grrr. Can you tell I hate it?!

I hate those schlocky moms r best scripts
Stop being a fucking martyr and bogging up what you do

Stay at home partners are a pampered lot. They should try working while trying to pay the bills and put decent food on the table. My mother did this on her own. It drives me mad to hear women/men moan about 'the hardest job in the world'. I work pt and the days I am at home, believe me, are a lot easier than when i am at work.

I do think the assumption that men will have a SAHP makes it harder on the men in that they don't feel they can take time off for children.
Yes, STBXH and I were discussing this the other day. We have 50/50 custody of DS which means that he has to leave on time or sometimes take time off work and he says that he feels like he's looked upon less favourably than the mothers who do the same. He says that there was (is?) a perception that he was putting in less work than some others until he actually proved that he was generally still doing 50+, sometimes more, a week. He's been like that since DS was a baby though. We split up when DS was 3 and of those 3 years, I was at home for about 2 years 3 months (which I funded myself entirely), but he still used to leave on time etc because he wanted to and felt penalised or viewed negatively for it.

That FB status is grim. Taking a few holidays snaps doesn't make you a photographer! Kissing it better does not mean you are a nurse - how insulting to nurses with their professional training accreditation. You are not a teacher unless you have a postagraduate qualification and are registered with the GTC. Similarly, judge is a prestigious post for which you are patently unqualified. You are cook - because you make meals? Guess what, just about everyone cook for themselves, it is NO BIG DEAL.

Mum ardest job in world
Risible
Wonder if anyone actually believes that oft touted cliche
Maybe ard of finking folk believe it

Being a sahp is not the hardest job in the world. I think having a full time job, which doesn't end when you leave the office,, but entails additional work at home and then coming home to do the washing/cooking/cleaning etc is way harder. If you are also a single parent, then that is also harder than being a sahp in a partnership.

That's not to say being a sahp is easy or doesn't have economic benefit.

Those FB status make me want to innocently reply "Is that all ?"

snapsnap excellent point.

The op expressly said that she didn't want a sahp/wohp bunfight.

and? Threads digress, we chew the fat, think you'll find

molehill is right I really don't.

Fair enough. So since it has, why does one have to be harder than the other? And it's personal isn't it? Like most career choices, it's a best fit of what your circumstances, opportunities and abilities allow. For one person, sahp would be hellishly difficult and juggling work and childcare the easier option in terms of fitting skills and personality. For another, sahp would be the ideal option. For the lucky few, in whatever line of work, it doesn't seem like work because it's what they'd do anyway even if they didn't have to. I would find acting or ballet dancing a hellishly difficult job.

No-one said SAHP was the hardest job

Sorry catgirl- and then I joined in a bit too

Hi sorry havent read it all will go back and read

but when i was a SAHM I always said when do you get paid even though it was our money.
Now I work I can say I earn X and DH earns X but its still all our money.
The problems we have now is having had nanny problems and needing time off both of us have been in difficulties with taking emergency childcare/working from home as we both work in male dominated industries (IT)

I see way back someone asked why cm keno and mum isnt
Cm is self employed and ofsted regulated.watches someone else child for money

Sahp watches own child,is unregulated,no financial transaction,no external rules to comply with

you didn't molehill :)

iPad,posterasked why is cm job and sahp isn't job

Thesecondcoming
You dont sound very happy as a SAHP - the ideal is that you do what you prefer - some love SAH others like the variety WOH gives them.Surely this is the crux - to do what suits you. Not everyone has the choice as snapsnap pointed out.
I have been SAHM( mat leave) /very partime WOH /full time WOH -each situation has its plus/minus points .

Just realised I am echoing what Molehillsaid

Surely this is the crux - to do what suits you.
Heh, wouldn't that be lovely. Many don't have the choice/luxury to do what suits.

TSC I work from home a lot - therefore I not only get everything you mention, I have to do work for clients in the midst of it.

Now I am not looking for a martyr badge, because I love my life, but trust me, THATs hard.

Um Elusive I did acknowledge that not everyone has the choice when I referenced snapsnap post