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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you SAH and your DP works and earns X, you do not therefore earn X yourself

789 replies

catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 09:53

I do not want to start a SAH / WAH bunfight and this is inspired by another thread but......

A thread recently was asking people if they earnt over £40k and I was surprised to see a number of posters saying they were SAHM / SAHD but their partner earnt XX, so therefore they did too.

Now, I am not commenting on the value of the work a stay at home partner does - the value is huge and it is a tough, worthwhile thing to do.

But you do not earn. (Even if you should etc etc).

I work. My DH stays at home. If I heard DH saying "oh catgirl earns xxx so I earn xxx too" I would be really peed off and think - "no, no dude - you don't."

We don't have separate money - what's mine is his and vice versa, and I am happy with our arrangement. It is hos money as much as mine, but I earn it. He didn't spend 20 hours negotiating a deal or whatever - that was me.

It has never even occured to me before, but I was just surprised that people felt if DP earned an amount, they earned it too and would actually say, well yes I earn over £40k as DH is a GP or whatever.

It almost felt like some people were saying they were somehow personally doing better than others because they had "married better" which seemed really Hmm

AIBU?

OP posts:
Popbiscuit · 04/02/2012 22:29

This thread is a little pointless. Did any one SAH poster actually say that they "earn x" because their partner does? I don't recall that. Perhaps some people responded to the query "what jobs earn over 100,000 K?". I'm happy to share what my partner does if it helps another MNer sort through some personal employment or retraining decisions. In short, my reply was something along the lines of "quite a lot of school and bloody hard work" etc.

As for myself, I earn DIDDLY SQUAT. However, my staying at home allows my partner to work long/anti-social hours which allows him to bring home more money which allows me to stay at home with my children which means they have a pretty great quality of life. I'd love to work but if I did then my kids would have to give up a number of things which I feel are fairly central to an "ideal" childhood.

I've decided to instead concentrate my efforts on cloning myself so that Popbiscuit 1 can SAH and Popbiscuit 2 can go to work and "use her brain". I'll let you know when this cloning process is available for any of you that are interested Grin. I might even offer a special deal for Mumsnetters!

Molehillmountain · 04/02/2012 22:29

No...stay! Smile

Molehillmountain · 04/02/2012 22:30

I'm afraid I kind of did, pop biscuit! Blush But I did apologise nicely!

rhondajean · 04/02/2012 22:32

Pop biscuit - your cloning comment is exactly what it feels like to be WOHM or WAHM though!

Molehillmountain · 04/02/2012 22:33

Sarah...shall we both get our coats and slope off quietly to a thread about something non contraversial like baking?

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 22:33

they did popbiscuit - and not just molehill and it is the second thread where it has happened - but it was just a ponderance, am amazed at the discussion it has generated although it has been very interesting

OP posts:
rhondajean · 04/02/2012 22:34

Question - if you SAH so,your partner can work long hours - do you ever feel guilty that they don't get to spend the toe of time they might like with the children?

rhondajean · 04/02/2012 22:35

Toe? Type!

SarahLundsredJumper · 04/02/2012 22:37

Molehillgrin
Ive got a nice Mary Berry Christmas cake that ive just baked ( kit £2 in sale)
I iced the top like snow !

TheSecondComing · 04/02/2012 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SarahLundsredJumper · 04/02/2012 22:39

that was meant to be a Grin

Molehillmountain · 04/02/2012 22:45

With dh's job, it would still mean he'd have the hours if I went back to my previous job. He couldn't do it part time-doesn't exist at his level. Nothing's perfect and I am far from the best childcare option even. But we both have reasonably good mental health with me at home and weekends where most of the house stuff and paperwork has been done. And if we swapped, and he was a sahp the sectors we work in mean we'd have less money even if we worked at the same level. So no, I don't feel guilty. Not for that anyway!

Popbiscuit · 04/02/2012 22:46

No, I don't feel guilty. Because I'm better at it. And because I am very old-fashioned. Different strokes for different folks, though. Smile I'm better at all the day-to-day stuff (cooking, supervising HW, errands) and DH excels at crazy weekend "Dad stuff" like Wii, skateboarding and DIY/geeky things.

Don't want to speak for all SAHMs but at the heart of it all don't we ALL
(WOHPs/WAHPs/SAHPs) wish we could clone ourselves? Life is a bit shit like that really; we ALL have to make choices. Can't have your cake/eat it too and all that.

Molehillmountain · 04/02/2012 22:46

Sarah - sounds great! I've done some cookies from a new recipe. Not as topical as the snow topped cake though Grin

SarahLundsredJumper · 04/02/2012 22:48

I think that neither WOH or SAH is harder for me but following on from what you said just now Thesecondcoming its the change in routine that is refreshing although sometimes conversely if you have been up all night and then go into work its awful too.Confused
Off to bed now - the cat is glaring at me !

Quattrocento · 04/02/2012 22:55

It depends upon how you are built, I reckon.

I could not in a million years have stayed at home. It would just never happen. Impossible. I'm an adrenaline junkie, and one moreover that loves intellectual stimulation. Frankly I'd like to be the sort of person that can sing The Wheels on the Bus 10 times a day without wanting to chew the floor, but I'm not. I couldn't do it and I wouldn't ever want to.

So the question of hardness is relative to the individual. I'd find staying at home impossible. But equally, very few sahms could do my job ...

Popbiscuit · 04/02/2012 23:01

But that's my point, Quattro. I'm an adrenaline junkie too. I love stress; Bring it on. I would chew the floor too if I had to sing ANYTHING 10x day (so I don't). Perhaps I couldn't do your job, having been "unemployed" for 10 years but equally NOBODY could raise my children like I do.

ElusiveCamel · 04/02/2012 23:09

Um Elusive I did acknowledge that not everyone has the choice
The fact you 'acknowledge' it after saying that the 'crux of the matter' is making the choice to do what suits is kinda my point :)

rhondajean · 04/02/2012 23:11

Wowwww @ the I'm better at being a parent than DH comment.

Seriously, just wow. I'm gobsmacked.

Molehillmountain · 04/02/2012 23:30

Was it pop biscuit's comment you were "woww"at? She didn't say she was the better parent-just the one more suited to being a sahp. Isn't that okay?

rhondajean · 04/02/2012 23:35

Erm no she actually said I'm better at it. Read back.

I asked if anyone feels guilty their DH works long hours and loses time with their children. Not if they were better suited to stay at home. Just if they feel sorry their DHs don't get the time with the children because of the hours they have to work to supply the lifestyle.

I remain gobsmacked.

Popbiscuit · 05/02/2012 00:48

Just to clarify, Rhonda, I said I'm better at being the STAY AT HOME PARENT. Better at being the one who performs the bulk of child-care responsibilities as well as all the tasks that need to be done in our busy household. I enjoy doing those things (as much as I enjoy all the perks of being at home Wink). DH works long hours but in the time he has available with the children, he's absolutely fantastic and completely engaged. I'm not the better parent, but I like doing what I do and he likes doing what he does.

callmemrs · 05/02/2012 01:01

Oh lord we're back to that old chestnut about raising our children.

No one can raise my children like me and dh do. Doesn't stop us having pretty stimulating work lives outside the house too

nooka · 05/02/2012 02:08

I work and dh doesn't right now. I earn enough (just!) to support our family. Him being home makes my life easier in some ways, and harder in others. He would like me to look for work as a consultant and earn shed loads more money. I would like him to go back to work and double our family income again. If I did do consultancy I would be away a lot, and our children would lose out from me not being around so much. If he worked the children would lose out from him not being around so much.

A stay at home partner doesn't enable their partner to work/earn, but they do/should make the worker's life easier. Every family on having children has to make choices about how to look after or support their children. If one parent earns enough to enable the other to stay at home then that becomes an option, and if childcare costs are such that a parent has to stay home then it's a necessity. However I'd say it is very very unusual that one person truly enables the other to work/have a career/earn a certain amount of money (ambassador's wife perhaps). They might on the other hand enable the other to have the family life they (hopefully!) all enjoy.

sunshineandbooks · 05/02/2012 07:01

I think people ARE enabled to have certain careers if they have SAH partners, just as childcare enables others to work. It doesn't matter how skilled or capable or experienced I am at a particular role, if I can't get someone to care for my children when I do it then I am unavailable for work (and possibly very distracted by worrying about who's going to do the overnight stay that's just been asked of me).

That doesn't mean that a SAH partner earns the money of the working parent, but they have definitely earned the working parent to go out to work and in the process are saving shedloads of money. I'd have to double my salary to be able to afford the sort of childcare that would have enabled me to continue in my original career. I couldn't do it, hence the change of career, though the irony is that if I'd had the support of a SAH parent when I needed it, I probably would be earning double by now. Confused

I am a WOHM and have never been a SAHM. I've never wanted to be a SAHM and I think it is fraught with danger for many women who may well discover they've given up far more than work should they and their DH divorce, etc. (optimistic sod that I am Wink But I don't underestimate what it's worth.

How hard or easy any individual parent finds it will differ massively depending on the child and the parent, but all those who think it would be easy to replace the SAHP or second-earner's child-caring with professional childcare should try it. Anyone without a 9-5 job is going to find it a hell of a lot harder than they thought and will be shocked at the expense. If it's so simple, how come only 1 in 5 families use professional childcare?

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