To expect DH to participate more in domestic life

[babyledweaner]

Dd1 is 2.2, dd2 is 8 months (ebf and not sleeping through). DH took a job a year ago away from where we live. He agreed with them and me that he would work two days a week in the local office. He then got a promotion and now works round here only one day a week at best. He's away two nights a week and, when not away, leaves before the children get up and comes back after they are in bed. On Fridays he works locally.

Aside from looking after the car (which he has the use of during the week) and putting out the bins on Friday nights, I feel that I take responsibility for everything else. This does not necessarily mean I do everything. Dh does cook for the two of us (not dcs) and wash up, tidy toys etc when he's here, and is happy to change nappies, bath children (though I always get summoned if things don't go completely smoothly), take dd1 to the park etc. If nagged asked sufficiently often, DH will do other things, but it sometimes doesn't feel worth the hassle.

Tbh I feel I have three DCs. DH doesn't take responsibility for anything other than those things mentioned above. None of the organising, planning, keeping in touch with friends, paying bills, sorting out work on the house stuff that needs doing. When his family come to stay, I sort out everything (plans with them, stuff to eat, things to do). I'm also effectively a solo parent from Monday am to Thursday evening every week. At the moment I'm on mat leave, but go back part time when dd2 is 1.

We have had endless conversations about this. He says he wants to do more and me do less, but that doesn't actually happen. There's a lot of talk and no change. It also pisses me off that, when he's away, he's happy to go 24 hours without being in touch at all (not even a text message) - this is when he's in the country, staying at a friend's and no, I'm not bitter getting uninterrupted sleep.

So, aibu to expect any change, or should I just work with what I've got, accept that I have to run the house and look after our children without much real support? Friends who have similar set ups (solo parenting in the week) seem to accept that this is the way things are, but I honestly expected a more egalitarian set up.

Finally, I don't think his job is to blame. I worked ft between babies, whilst he was unemployed for five months, and I did way more domestically than him during that period, even though I was out of the house 7.45-6pm and pregnant. Dd1 was in nursery at that time.

Sorry for the long post.

I think yab a little u.

It sounds like when dh is at home he does contribute.

I don't know what you mean by organising and planning though? Most women I know do the bill paying, card sending, shopping list stuff. If left to my dh nothing would be paid, no one would ever get a birthday card and we would live on pizza!

Is this where the real issue is? from your post you mention several times about dh not being there Mon-Thu and you being on your own. Perhaps that's what you need to consider. You may feel different when you go back to work.

YANBU. I wish my dp would do more around the house (he's getting better with time), but it's difficult choosing whether to keep fighting the fight for my feminist beliefs (that we should share all roles) or have a calmer life and accept I'm going to do more.

I have to keep fighting (obviously I don't mean really fighting, my dp is actually lovely - I mean reminding constantly, asking him outright to do things, expressing when he's unfairly expecting me to do more) because we have a dd, and I don't want her to grow up believing that because she's a woman she has to work harder and have less free time.

The rules in our house are, while dp is at work (I'm on ml) I do everything, outside work hours we do 50:50. Dp goes out to a club at least once a week, I expect (though rarely get) an equal number of evenings off (even if I'm still in the house, but chilling and doing my own thing).

I haven't solved the sleep problem yet, like you our dd is ebf and doesn't sleep through (woke about four thousand times last night). I do 99.9% of the night wakings because she settles much quicker for me. In theory we're meant to take turns Friday and Saturday nights, but it doesn't always happen. In your case, since you're alone during the week and your dh gets full nights, surely he should do both weekend nights, or at the least you get both lies in?

So when he is there he does a fair amount. When he is not there you want him to do more?.....how?

I meant to say, I get what you mean about doing all the organisation and planning. My dp will do jobs if I ask him directly, but I get all the stress because I'm the one needing to remember everything and holding the responsibility for keeping things running smoothly (e.g. knowing when we've agreed to go out, getting the right shopping for the things we've planned, keeping track of what dd needs and what the house needs). It drives me mad.

giveyourself DH does some things when he's here but it's not a fair amount, and he does 50% of it only because I badger him

attheendoftheday drives me loopy too

I think you need to be clearer (in your own mind, and to him) what you want him to take responsibility for.

It sounds like you're talking less about specific chores, and more about not having to be the one in charge of the running of every aspect of the household.

Because you are there more of the time, the cultural expectation that you as woman will be in charge of the house is even more likely to be fulfilled.

What are the areas that he could realistically deal with, given his working pattern?

e.g. keeping up with friends can easily be done from any part of the country. Would he do that?

(I know my DH wouldn't, he's hopeless at that kind of thing, but your DH might.)

Sounds like he does a fair amount. Think you will feel better about it once you're getting more sleep

Well he sounds like he does way more than my lazy sod of a DP who works 9-5 and is in every night!

It sounds like others are more accepting about their dhs being 'hopeless' or 'lazy'. I think it's pretty shit tbh

stewie thanks. I have the book, but thought it might make me cross. Sounds like I should read it straight away :)

I have been asking DH for months to set up a DD to our joint account. It really shouldn't need me to write the letter to the bank and have him sign it but, like so much else, it does seem that may be necessary.

Well no I don't accept it at all, in fact we "talk about it" all the time but nothing ever changes, and in order for it to get done, rather than spending time nagging him I would rather use my energy to do (insert domestic chore here).

That part is pretty shit, yes. I sympathise with you.

Just reading the start of Wifework and it's bloody brilliant. I like the distinction between taking responsibility for the physical work (some of which DH does) and the mental work (which, without exception, is left entirely to me).

babyled, my dh is neither hopeless or lazy and if he was i would not accept it. He works permenant night shift, so at times it feels like I am a solo parent too, which I am not.

He does as much as your dh, probably a bit more, makes the tea at night before he goes to work and even washes up!

'It pretty shit' actually that your dh works away from home and when he gets back is nagged to do stuff the whole time, perhaps thats why he doesn't contact you as much as you'd like.

I don't think your DH is that bad tbh. I know a lot of men who do a hell of a lot less. But if you have issues and he's not listening, stop doing all the stuff that will benefit him providing it won't effect your dcs. Dirty pants etc should be a treat.
I used to houseshare with some guys when I had a live-in job. One guy would never do the dishes, so he got 2 warnings and on the 3rd occasion I followed through on my threat and he found them in his bed, out of my way.
Obviously, that in particular isn't really an option for you, but there's ways and means.

Agree with AThingInYourLife about giving him responsibility.

Rather than hoping he suddenly starts noticing what needs doing (this might be unrealistic), assign him some jobs that are his sole responsibility. Then don't nag, but make sure you NEVER do them. Obviously choose things that do not need to be done every day, as he's not around during the week, and if possible things that will annoy him as much as or more than you if they don't get done. I think some men (sorry to generalise) respond better to a specific request than a more general 'I need more help'.

Sorry, rather than saying 'assign him' I should have said 'ask him to volunteer for'.

If he is not there, he cannot do the domestic work on those days he is away. And, tbh, it sounds as if he does quite a bit when he is around.

DH is our sahp, I work long hours and travel a lot, which supports everyone in the style to which they are accustomed. Dh does more or less what you're doing, and it's taken us several years to get to that point. When I'm home, I do all the cooking. Our dc are older, but I spend as much time doing things with them as I can. He does the 'wifework' or it doesn't get done, because I am doing exactly that kind of juggling and admin and taking exactly that kind of responsibility at work on a bigger scale, answerable to an organisation that could end all our livelihoods and responsible for a team of adults who rely on me not to screw up. So yeah, when I come home I want to play with the kids, not arrange the MOT, phone the plumber and find his father's birthday present. In return, he doesn't have to think about where the money's coming from, which I do, all the time. It's really not fair to blame the wohp for getting promotions which benefit all of you - you can't both want to be financially supported and want your partner to take responsibility for what happens when he's at work. And some domestic work is just martyrdom - most adults don't much mind whether they get birthday cards so don't do it if you don't feel like it.

Once you call a woman who expects her husband to do his share a "nag", you mark yourself as a misogynist whose views are irrelevant.

If you don't perform well at work, do you call it nagging if this is brought to your attention?

People who do their share never get "nagged".

If I was him, I'd look for another job that didn't involve working away or long hours.

And then he'd be around more to do his share.

He's missing out on so much.

I think the issue is not how much he does but that you are the one who has to think about everything. And then when you remind him to do something that neesd to be done, you feel like you are nagging. I feel a bit like that. For example, minor DIY like changing bulbs only gets done when I "nag" (and before someone says it, this is not something I can comfortably do on my own because we have massively high ceilings with ridiculous light fittings so you need a screwdriver to change a bulb so you really need someone to hold the ladder and pass things; I've always done this sort of thing myself before). I think it is the thinking about what has to be done that makes you feel like you are parenting an extra child.

YABU simply because you included "keeping up with friends" as one of the tasks you might expect him to do - that is not a task to be shared, it's something an individual would choose to do, so if you want it done, you need to do it. So you need to look at how much of the things he's not doing are things that actually have to be done - so are part of the household duties, and how much are simply things which you think need to be done and he doesn't. He may well do those after being nagged asked, but that's because he's willing to help, not because he thinks it's a share of the work.

Why should being a sahp get you off 'thinking about what needs to be done'? The wohp does that at work and the sahp does it at home, because that's where they are most of the time. It would be insulting and controlling, surely, if the wohp arranged and organised everything that happens in his or her absence. I don't want dh to arrange my work diary or schedule deadlines, though he benefits from that work as much as I do.