To expect DH to participate more in domestic life

[babyledweaner]

Dd1 is 2.2, dd2 is 8 months (ebf and not sleeping through). DH took a job a year ago away from where we live. He agreed with them and me that he would work two days a week in the local office. He then got a promotion and now works round here only one day a week at best. He's away two nights a week and, when not away, leaves before the children get up and comes back after they are in bed. On Fridays he works locally.

Aside from looking after the car (which he has the use of during the week) and putting out the bins on Friday nights, I feel that I take responsibility for everything else. This does not necessarily mean I do everything. Dh does cook for the two of us (not dcs) and wash up, tidy toys etc when he's here, and is happy to change nappies, bath children (though I always get summoned if things don't go completely smoothly), take dd1 to the park etc. If nagged asked sufficiently often, DH will do other things, but it sometimes doesn't feel worth the hassle.

Tbh I feel I have three DCs. DH doesn't take responsibility for anything other than those things mentioned above. None of the organising, planning, keeping in touch with friends, paying bills, sorting out work on the house stuff that needs doing. When his family come to stay, I sort out everything (plans with them, stuff to eat, things to do). I'm also effectively a solo parent from Monday am to Thursday evening every week. At the moment I'm on mat leave, but go back part time when dd2 is 1.

We have had endless conversations about this. He says he wants to do more and me do less, but that doesn't actually happen. There's a lot of talk and no change. It also pisses me off that, when he's away, he's happy to go 24 hours without being in touch at all (not even a text message) - this is when he's in the country, staying at a friend's and no, I'm not bitter getting uninterrupted sleep.

So, aibu to expect any change, or should I just work with what I've got, accept that I have to run the house and look after our children without much real support? Friends who have similar set ups (solo parenting in the week) seem to accept that this is the way things are, but I honestly expected a more egalitarian set up.

Finally, I don't think his job is to blame. I worked ft between babies, whilst he was unemployed for five months, and I did way more domestically than him during that period, even though I was out of the house 7.45-6pm and pregnant. Dd1 was in nursery at that time.

Sorry for the long post.

Proactvity - that's exactly what it's about, Trixie. It's bloody frustrating to have to do all the thinking for another grown adult, who appears perfectly capable at work but suddenly seems to expect thing to be organised by magic pixies when they get home.

Im not being funny, but where does the poor guy get the time to even shit.

He works long hours, yet he still does more than his fair share at home, so whilst he works you take responsibility for the bills? Thats not really a hardship is it, how would you cope if the situation was reversed and you never saw your kids but worked to put food on the table?

Sometimes some people don't know they are born.

It is also profoundly boring to have to remember stuff like ballet classes. It clogs up bits of one's brain that could be used to do something else. (Or, indeed, do nothing.) A friend of mine calls it the 'ticker-tape' - that constant reminder of what happens when, what needs to be sorted, all of that...and it is very wearing.

When you're working fine complain then and he will need to share more but at the moment he's contributing more than enough to the family. All that commuting must be exhausting.

Does no one else ever just look blank and baffled when asked when ballet classes are? Or the excellent reply, "I don't know, dear. Would you like me to stop doing X and look on the calendar and let you know?"

But what happens if you stop doing all the thinking? What happens if (with warning just to be fair) you stop saying 'do you need a clean shirt?/have you bought your Mum a birthday card?/have you paid that gas bill?' After the inevitable couple of last minute panics does all civilised life end? Of course it doesnt!

To assume that running a household is an essentially female preserve is as patronising as assuming that DiY projects are an essentially male preserve.

Annie your situ is totally different tho, you both work out of the home so your oh is taking the piss. If you were not working then doing the organization would be fine.

Oh yes, GM, I do. Also I am not, now, responsible for anything like swimming or dance. At all. It is quite glorious, how irresponsible I am in this regard.

Hooray for the inferior tribe of us, utterly incapable of remembering when things might be, or whether or not there's anything for dinner!

I haven't read all of the posts but if my dh worked away then I would probably feel the way you do, more because he was away probably.

My dh doesn't get up until 10 mins before he has to leave for work. He doesn't help with the children in the mornings. He gets home about 5pm, I cook for the children, bath them, put them to bed, cook for him, clean, tidy toys. You get the picture! He puts the bins out on a Tues evening, that's it! We have 4 dc's and are expecting number 5. He is in no way domesticated but moans if there is a mess. We are always talking over these issues and nothing ever works. Its easier just to get on with it, even though I would love him to help out more!

p.s. nor did any of DH's relatives get a Christmas card this year. Nor have I found out what the brown envelopes from the Inland Revenue might contain.

OP I get totally how you feel. When our dc were little DH worked left the house at 7am and got home at 9.30ish. He worked every weekend except for five when the youngest was a baby. I did everything at home, he focused at work.

We have been married for 21 years and the children are almost grown. I supported him when he built his career and have continued to do so. He does not spend as long at work now. He does now earn a huge amount now though and without that early support he would not have been able to build his career in the way that he did.

The plus side is the very expensive house, the children at independent schools, the extremely nice life style - the down side was the hard grind of "single" parenthood for years without the money problems, the premature birth when he was in court and getting on with life afterwards, the careful organisation and broken holidays when he had to fly back for a meeting that couldn't be avoided.

The benefits don't come without sacrifice OP and there has to be compromise all the way. I was lucky I was happy to make the compromises because I loved him so much.

Dp gets the kids up and gives them breakfast sorts out teeth cleaning,he does de-nitting,guitar practice,bins,washing floors,tea when I can't be arsed,the car,household bills,fixes things,works full time,makes the sandwiches,hoovers and does bathrooms when they're crying out,fills up the car,other stuff I'm sure.

I plan and buy food,am in charge of the planner(only 1 person can do this effectively imvho),cook tea( but by Friday I often can't be bothered so he may take over),buy all Xmas presents and cards,buy all bday presents and cards,buy kids clothes,shoes etc,do the washing,ironing,assemble packed lunches,sort out uniform,do hair,hear readers,oversee homework(unless it's tricky maths),work part time from home,do the rest of the housework although I'm very lax.

We've been together 22 years,we ebb and flo. When I'm not working I'll do more.If I go back to work full time we'll divvy up more,if he does the London thing I'll take on more as he's not a robot. Raising a family is teamwork.

I do explode over the organising thing now and again(normally in the run up to Xmas and holiday packing)but I know he's good. Currently trying to appreciate what he does more and not nag about little things instead of looking at the bigger picture.It does help in that he's a hands on dad and neither of us are that bothered by having an immaculate house

I can't deal with everything here, so just a few thoughts.

Yes, I am very tired and I'm sure that doesn't help.

DH changed career with the new job, taking a big paycut and moving to this different location. The basis on which we agreed that was a sensible decision was that he was going to work locally two days a week, but that was gradually eroded. Part of my concern is probably about my return to work, as I can't do my job properly if he doesn't share domestic/childcare responsibility with me. In theory we have discussed and agreed all this, but DH seems to think it's fine simply to inform me (rather than discuss with me) when things change, and let me deal with the consequences. Had I known his job would work out like this, I would have encouraged him to hold out for something nearer to home.

Incidentally, I earn more in three days a week than he earns in five, so am not quite sure where all these asssumptions that DH is contributing more than enough etc etc come from.

Maybe he is a lot better than others' DHs. I'm sure he'd be thrilled to know that. But, seriously, he is a grown man. Talk of him "helping" me, as though he's my toddler trying endearingly to use the broom, is just bizarre. He's chosen the life he has, and I really think he should be taking on a fairer share of what that involves. It seems, though, that I may be in a minority in objecting so much - as I said earlier, others seem far more prepared to accept (their words, not mine) lazy, hopeless or useless DHs.

this:> I worked ft between babies, whilst he was unemployed for five months, and I did way more domestically than him during that period, even though I was out of the house 7.45-6pm and pregnant. is your problem i'm afraid... if you set precedent like that how can you possibly expect different when the situation is so different. WHY didn't you put your foot down back then? what conversations did you have?

Pay is neither here nor there.He works 5 days a week,you work 3.You have 2 extra days in which do do family stuff.He's away from home too.When is actually supposed to be doing all this extra stuff and how,if he's not even there?

OP - if DH had not been the major earner with the vast prospects I would have expected the divvying up at home to have been more equal. When we married I earnt more if that helps but we had enough behind us for me to stop working.

In yours circs, I think things should be divided more equally.

How long are you meant to keep this up?

You say the problem is not his job but how exactly is that not a problem? If he worked locally he would be home a lot more and you could work out a more equitable share of duties, especially when you go back to work.

Is he going to move back to the local office at some point? Are you going to move to the other city?

I know a lot of people have these kind of work arrangements but I have to admit, they baffle me, I don't think DH and I would do this for any amount of money. Not long-term anyway, it seems bound to cause problems.

maybenow we had endless conversations about that workload distribution. It didn't matter what I said or did, he just passively refused to do any more. And that's the way it still is. He says he will do more, but when it comes to the crunch, he doesn't actually do so, so I end up doing stuff or it simply doesn't happen. The stuff that doesn't matter can obviously be left, but quite a lot of things just can't be ignored, so they fall - by default - to me.

Oh sorry x-post

I would seriously be telling him this isn't working out that well and he needs to find a job closer to home.

You're not crazy to want him to do more btw, i don't know why women put up with lazy arses.

i don't know what to say... i guess eventually you just put up and shut up when you get ground down by the nagging...?

i know i wouldn't/couldn't do that. i would shout and scream at my husband before i would 'just do it' and we'd probably have divorced by now

how strongly do you feel about it? because if you felt as strongly as i would then you'd maybe be insisting on relate? or other counselling?

[ignore those telling you that he is 'entitled' to act the way he is. he is NOT. he is an adult and you are not his slave/housekeeper/mother]

mrsheffley I have more time at home, yes, but I am looking after two very small children in that time. I am not sitting here filing my nails looking for things to do. I completely accept the day to day workload of small children, and DH couldn't possibly be expected to do that when he's not here. But when he's here, I expect him to play a fair part, which includes taking responsibility for things, rather than just waiting for me to ask him (often repeatedly) if I want something done.

So he's building his career at the expense of yours?