To expect DH to participate more in domestic life

[babyledweaner]

Dd1 is 2.2, dd2 is 8 months (ebf and not sleeping through). DH took a job a year ago away from where we live. He agreed with them and me that he would work two days a week in the local office. He then got a promotion and now works round here only one day a week at best. He's away two nights a week and, when not away, leaves before the children get up and comes back after they are in bed. On Fridays he works locally.

Aside from looking after the car (which he has the use of during the week) and putting out the bins on Friday nights, I feel that I take responsibility for everything else. This does not necessarily mean I do everything. Dh does cook for the two of us (not dcs) and wash up, tidy toys etc when he's here, and is happy to change nappies, bath children (though I always get summoned if things don't go completely smoothly), take dd1 to the park etc. If nagged asked sufficiently often, DH will do other things, but it sometimes doesn't feel worth the hassle.

Tbh I feel I have three DCs. DH doesn't take responsibility for anything other than those things mentioned above. None of the organising, planning, keeping in touch with friends, paying bills, sorting out work on the house stuff that needs doing. When his family come to stay, I sort out everything (plans with them, stuff to eat, things to do). I'm also effectively a solo parent from Monday am to Thursday evening every week. At the moment I'm on mat leave, but go back part time when dd2 is 1.

We have had endless conversations about this. He says he wants to do more and me do less, but that doesn't actually happen. There's a lot of talk and no change. It also pisses me off that, when he's away, he's happy to go 24 hours without being in touch at all (not even a text message) - this is when he's in the country, staying at a friend's and no, I'm not bitter getting uninterrupted sleep.

So, aibu to expect any change, or should I just work with what I've got, accept that I have to run the house and look after our children without much real support? Friends who have similar set ups (solo parenting in the week) seem to accept that this is the way things are, but I honestly expected a more egalitarian set up.

Finally, I don't think his job is to blame. I worked ft between babies, whilst he was unemployed for five months, and I did way more domestically than him during that period, even though I was out of the house 7.45-6pm and pregnant. Dd1 was in nursery at that time.

Sorry for the long post.

Athing, I am assuming you are directing your last post at my last post.

The terms used were only used in reflecting the terms used by the OP.

And as for saying my views are now irrelevant, you are right! The OP, by posting that others who don't agree with her have lazy and hopeless husbands shows she has disregarded these views anyhow.

I think misogynist is a bit harsh when you consider the numbers of women posters on here whose partners control, plan, organise their lives and finances are told they are victims of domestic abuse.

Plus I don't get nagged at work, as I preform well, or at home, as I do my share.

I don't nag my dh, and I certainly would not let or want him to organise our families shopping after his 1 attempt at it 10 years ago.

Agree with all re. wifework.

It's insidious - it's NOT about actually doing. It's about having to think about it and ask the other person to do it. It's about the responsibility for it lying with you.

It erodes your respect for the other person as a capable adult.

Certainly one effective method would be to simply stop undertaking the thinking where it has no benefit to you. For example, family presents/visits. Being a horrid person I'd probably even sign the card/present from myself and the DC only.

Wow, I'm shocked by the number of women on here who just accept it as their lot to have do deal with everything. Even when your other half physically does his share of the housework, it's exhausting being the one who has to organise everything - pay the bills, pack the DC's school bags, remember what time swimming and ballet class is, organise the childcare for half term.... it's mentally exhausting and no way should all that fall on one person.

Women shouldn't nag, no. They shouldn't need to; their partners should share all the physical and mental work that goes into running a house and raising children. Any man who needs to be nagged is taking the piss, and any women who either needs to nag or shoulders more than her fair share of the load for fear of being a nag when she expresses the unfairness of it is being taken advantage of.

Is "thinking" about running a household such a big deal? I would guess I do most of it and the thinking part takes about 10 minutes per day. Just get organised. I think where one person is really expected to do everything at home, it is very unfair. On the other hand, if someone is working very hard and bringing home good money, that is a huge net contribution to a household.

I still think the mindset of trying to divide everything exactly 50/50 is never going to create a happy relationship. Some of the posters here seem to see a partnership as a glorified house share. Obviously both partners should get some rest and some "me time" and if that is not happening, something is awry. On the other hand, it can even out over time, not day by day and hour by hour.

If one person is exhausted, be honest enough and ask (nicely) for more help. If not, why not try to just do what needs to be done to create a happy and calm household for everyone?

Really Annie, you find it 'mentally exhausting' to remember when swimming and ballet etc is????

Maybe if you bought a calendar / diary / notebook you could write it down and then your brain would not be mentally exhausted.

I used the terms lazy and hopeless only because that's how some posters described their DHs. It wasn't my judgement...

Some of you are making a lot of assumptions about the relative remuneration of my and DH's jobs. Not that that's even relevant.

Have my DH. Then you'll know what doing nothing around the house means .

Your DH doesn't do too badly, cut him some slack.

Babyled,

I am struggling to see your big issue? Do you put in many more hours net/net than your husband? And, the fact that he does not communicate with you for 24 hours also implies that you do not communicate with him?

I suspect part of your resentment is the relative amount of sleep you are both getting and I can totally share that as we have a 17 month gap and the two of them have only just starting to both sleep through on anything like a regular basis. On the other hand, what do you want your husband to do about that?If it were you working away and him at home, do you think things would be so different?

Regardless of how the OP's DH compares to other people's, she feels he could do more in the sense of being solely responsible for a task - the bit where he does bathtime (presumably three times a week tops if he is away Mon-Thurs) but needs help if anything goes amiss is very telling. Why should the father not be able to deal with the hair washing tantrum or missing towel or whatever it is? He takes the DD to the park and seems to be given a great deal of credit by some - but why shouldn't he not only take her but suggest it himself; take her somewhere more difficult like swimming (and pack the bag himself including correct change for locker, snack for afterwards, armbands etc) or think, ooh, she hasn't been to the dentist for 6 months, I'll organise and take her to an appointment? Most importantly, who will do these things once the OP goes back to work? OP I think, as some others have said you need to nail down some specifics and work out what happens when your ML ends. Also, set up an internet bank account then you can do things much more easily. Best of luck. I don't think he's awful, but room for improvement

Dh and I spilt the childcare when I get home. I cook. He washes up while I put the dc to bed. He makes packed lunches while I tidy the playroom. But we both expect him to make sure there is bread for those lunches, and washing-up liquid for those dishes, and a dinosaur costume for Tuesday, because I'm at work, earning all the money we all live on, while he is at home and in a position to do those things. It's not always about gender, and I see nothing innately misogynist about the view that each person should manage his or her own deadlines and calendar. I don't want dh arranging my working life and I don't expect to arrange his. Mine is at work, his is at home.

Trixie,

I think that kind of post is just looking for faults in the OP's husband. Bathing a 2.2 year old and an 8 month old is (ideally) a 2 person job. My wife and I do it together every night with our 2.7 month and 14 month old. Sure, if either of us are out, we can do it individually, but it is a PITA. I can well see why he may ask for help if the OP is in the house and things are going wrong. And why should he do "harder things" like taking them swimming? I don't know any sane parent who would take 2 children of those ages swimming alone anyway. It is not safe. Whichever parent is in charge at the time surely has the responsibility and authority to do what they want with their children?

Finally, for the moment at least, the OP is the SAHP, so she should do the organisation. If it changes, then that should change with it.

2.7 year old. The gap is small but not that small!

Stewie, and what would happen if if wohp stopped doing any work whilst in work? The sack, no money, no house?
I suppose you're right the wohp gets a lunch break that should suffice to come home and take over everything at home.
Plus OP dh does childcare and cooking when he's home.

Picot neither of us is a SAHP. We both work full time. Only one of us tends to do the thinking about what needs to be done. It is frustrating sometimes.

i think yabu, as others said your dh does loads when he is there. i don't really understand this 'wifework' aspect of you having to think about things being such a big deal, considering he comes and even cooks dinner. from the start of your thread i thought it was going to be he does nothing at all, which i could understand your frustration but when he is around he does plenty so what more do you want

Having a partner is supposed to be beneficial to BOTH partners. Each should have half as much to do compared to being single, surely? I don't understand the 'but he's working all week' argument since he'd have to work all week and do his laundry/cooking/shopping etc if he was single. Just like I do as a single parent.

Personally, I found that being a single parent was less work than trying to pick up after/organise another adult in addition to the DC.

If one partner is good at organising finances and the other is useless, it makes sense to let that one person handle it all. No one is saying that every task has to be split 50/50, but the overall balance should be split 50/50, so in this case the other partner should take more responsibility for a different area.

There are plenty of relationships where this does happen and therefore it is clearly the case that they are not only possible but work to everyone's advantage. There are numerous psychological studies out there showing lack of help around the house is a major reason for marital problems, men who contribute to housework have more sex and have happier relationships, and women with husbands who pull their weight are statistically less likely to file for divorce. Not to mention the better example it sets for children about equality and co-operation.

And if the mental/organisational side of it isn't that difficult, why can't these DPs do it? It's not that big a deal after all.

Is the OP telling her DH what she wants him to do? If she is rushing around being the perfect homemaker, criticising him or hovering over him then perhaps he doesnt feel confidant? I remember a friend moaning that her DH did nothing around the house then did admit that she would essentially snatch jobs out of his hands because 'he didnt do them properly'.

Having been the travelling spouse (DH was SAHP) I can honestly say that my DH was totally capable of organising the whole household. I paid the bills and managed the finances but I am an accountant so that made total sense!

When travelling I didnt always contact home within a given 24 hour period. I was contactable in an emergency but depending on what was going on at work/home sometimes the timing simply didnt work out.

Being away from home I did sometimes feel disconnected from the household so didnt always know what was going on and would have to check with DH.

What is it you want him to do?

larry the OPs DH is away four nights a week when she presumably baths them alone. Yes, its nice and easier to do it together and that's what I and DP do most nights but what I was trying to get across was that I can see why the OP is a bit miffed that even when he is doing it, she has to step in if things get difficult and can't have a little time away (which less face it, will probably be spent doing some other chore). I am not at all saying the OP's DH is a terrible, lazy parent, he sounds more involved than many I read about on here but that doesn't therefore make her U to want him to do a bit more / differently. Why shouldn't he do "harder" things? Because otherwise , if she shouldn't either, they never get done. I didn't say he should take both kids, I have not yet done that with my toddler and baby, but he could take the toddler perhaps - I think she is just looking for a bit more pro-activity, which I think is not U.

How is paying bills such a chore? I dont pay a bill from one month to the next.. everything is on direct debit.. they take care of themselves.

What is it you actually want him to do? What goes wrong? You say that you both agree that he should do more and you should do less, and then it doesn't happen. I'm wondering where it starts to go wrong.

For certain things, do you need to make your wishes clear and get him to agree to them? For example, you clearly want him to phone at a reasonable time every evening when he's away (and I think you want him to phone, rather than you phoning him). Can you agree this with him - or get him to explain why he doesn't do it?

Wow, blondie, rude much?

I have a diary, thanks. And a busy job that requires a lot of my brain power, and two children with four different childcare settings plus three activities. I manage to remember them all. My DH, on the other hand, needs to ask me every bloody week what time the DD's ballet class is. Because he relies on my to do all the thinking for him. Lazy, and frustrating for me because if there are any screw-ups, it's all on my head.

When one parents stays at home, fair enough if they do more of the housework and organising; it's part of their job.

But when both parents work full time, and one is taking on the bulk of either the housework or the organising and planning, it's not fair. My DH is fine with the housework and may even do more than me. But I organise everything. If I were to drop dead tomorrow he'd be screwed, I doubt he knows who our bank is (I guess he could look on his debit card), our mortgage provider etc etc.

Pathetic really, but to his credit he is trying to do more of the grownup stuff since we had a little heart-to-heart a while back.

As for the posters bleating "you should be grateful, my DH is worse!"... what the actual fuck? So maybe because some people have no homes at all I should be grateful if my roof blows off? What kind of logic is that? If your DH is a useless waste of space, either kick his ass into gear or kick him out! Or is being someone else's unpaid servant a lifelong ambition for you?