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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unclean..unclean..I am wearing the leper's bell..no one likes me in the village

155 replies

taxiforme · 03/02/2012 12:43

AIBU to be so f*ing angry for being "rejected" by the village book group?

I am trying to "make friends" in the village I have moved into. Thought I would join the local book group via a friend that I had made who was a member and I kind of knew in passing the other members as their kids are friendly with my DH's kids...

Ohhh they go out for curries, they drink wine, sometimes they read books.

On saying I would pitch up for the next meeting I was told "oh no..I will have to put it to the other members"

..eh?

I am now told that "they feel they have enough members and cannot accept more"..there are EIGHT of them.

I feel so rejected and unwelcome but suspect that this is the work of the "XXName of the VillageXX Mums' mafia".

I am not a member of this sacred sisterhood. I work full time and don't wear Boden or Birkenstocks and have never been to Centreparcs..also I am a bit common. I have been seen in ASDA. I have a bit of an accent, too. I was asked if I was from "the North country" the other day.

What to do? Set up my own group sacred to the memory of "Princess Daisy" and "flowers in the attic" with a bit of jackie collins and bridget Jones thrown in? Or buy some flat ergonomic sandals, an overpriced flowery skirt and pay £1200 to sit in the rain in a wooden shed in Wiltshire as an effort to blend in?

Fight? Or resign myself to drowing in a well of loneliness of puffa jackets and John Lewis samples?

OP posts:
BackforGood · 03/02/2012 17:31

I also think, it depends on how the bookclub started in the first place. I have heard of book clubs which are actually just a cover for a group of friends to get out of the house and have a glass of wine once a fortnight - which is fine, and in those cases, you can't really expect group of friends to be happy about random strangers knocking on the door saying they want to play too. Doesn't mean it's a village 'clique', but just an established group of friends - the same as if you were out at the pub / having a meal with 7 mates, you wouldn't really expect a random stranger to say - shove up, I'm joining you as I'm new to the village and don't know people yet, but if it were a community event (harvest festival or Summer Hog Roast) then you would be welcome to buy a ticket, as it's a public event.
OTOH if it is an advertised group that meets in the church hall / community rooms / library, then it is more reasonable to let random strangers in, again, as it's a public group.

gramercy · 03/02/2012 17:31

Ooh, er - the politics of book clubs - not to mention the social pitfalls. Who was to know?

I must admit I was talking to a woman who mentioned her book club. I timidly said that I'd like to join one. Quick as a flash she explained that it was really a group of friends . That was me told.

For book clubs which really are book clubs, how do you join? Do you have to wander the streets ostentatiously waving a copy of your choice of literature and hope that the local book club czarina spots you and deigns to let you in?

FreePeaceSweet · 03/02/2012 17:34

I once went to a party organised by my friends workmate. She was a very indiscreet person and soon began telling me about her new neighbour who this awful woman "they" had nicknamed Snoop because they once heard his music coming from her house and the fact she has dreadlocks and smokes. She openly admitted that they'd excluded her from events as she was a bit rough. I soon figured out they were talking about my cousin. Now I knew who the woman was who purposely ignored her. I was disgusted and let her know who I was and how she had made my cousin feel. I felt terrible because I'd thought my cousin was being a bit over-sensitive. Sometimes people don't imagine these things.

missmehalia · 03/02/2012 17:46

These things often burn themselves out, if they have said no because they are a snotty lot, then they will all fall out with each other. (And you will get to hear about it and laugh later.) If they've just said no because of a numbers issue, then a place will soon appear for you (IF you still want it!) I moved to rural Somerset nearly 4 years ago, and it took a really long time to get to know anyone local well enough to get invited along to things. It was hard.. but it's pretty good now. And I was at home with kids, not commuting, so chances to get to know others through toddler groups, etc. People move around more often than they used to, so communities are (slightly) more diverse these days.

It'll get better, it just takes time, and a bit of determination not to let the hurt show. There will be other newbies come along and you won't be the 'last in'.

And I'll raise you a Findus crispy pancake.. Smile

Hattie23 · 03/02/2012 20:22

I'll take your Findus crispy pancake and add some cheese and pineapple on sticks washed down with a glass of Blue Nun.
Ooh and I have a copy of Princess Daisy! :)

historyrepeats · 03/02/2012 20:26

Erm, move? Confused

GeraldineHoHoHobergine · 03/02/2012 20:41

If you like I can inftrate the club and force them to read something nasty like Riders by jackie Collins. Il take some of my famous cat food pie. Don't listen to the posters saying fit in, don't make waves etc. you need to be a maverick, strike hard and be without mercy. This is reading on the edge.

thenightsky · 03/02/2012 20:52

gramercy to join a real one, go to your local library and ask where they are and who is the named person to contact. This will be the person who picks up the box of books each month (library organised ones like mine meet once a month).

I like the group because it makes me read books I wouldn't normally pick up. We have been running for nearly 12 years now.

rosieposey · 03/02/2012 20:54

Taxi i am about to move to a village in Wilts - I'm shitting it a bit now as i sometimes shop in Asda (nice and convenient) and i was hoping to make some friends when i moved, it sounds like its quite hard to fit in - oh well sod them, they sound very insular and boring anyway!

Original poster
taxiforme · 03/02/2012 20:56

Rosie I dont live in Wilts!! The post about Centreparcs was misunderstood! Wilts is probably very lovely. Camillia Snorkel Parka- Bowles used to live there!!

OP posts:
Rhinestone · 03/02/2012 20:59

At least tell us the county OP!

kerala · 03/02/2012 21:09

Start your own! I have never been invited to join a book group Sad. Mentioned this to a few of the mums in DDs class and they said the same so we are starting our own. Cant wait! It will be really cliquey and super pretentious think we might hold auditions you will only be allowed to join if you are extremely cool or hold an MA in English lit.

Original poster
taxiforme · 03/02/2012 21:11

bum..can you include with that a terrible taste in retro food kerala?

OP posts:
redwineformethanks · 03/02/2012 21:19

If they meet in each other's houses I think it is fair enough that they should have the chance to agree who else is invited to join. I get together once a month to have dinner with five friends (not a book club) and I would expect to be consulted if someone was thinking of introducing someone else to this group. I wouldn't worry too much. It's not necessarily a personal insult. I also agree with someone else who suggested that a book group would not work with a large group, as it would just take too long to wait for everyone to have a say

thenightsky · 03/02/2012 22:29

we dont meet in houses... we have use of the village hall... costs us 50p a month each

happyrf · 03/02/2012 22:41

What is it about book clubs, I just about have time to read instructions on annoying plastic toys (and threads here clearly), if you going to use your precious time on something, why not start a wine club or a fitness club (they won't be laughing when they see you fitting into far smaller sized over priced, under quality Boden rubbish then)

ComposHat · 04/02/2012 02:10

They will have taken against you as by moving to the village you will have doubled the gene pool.

Sod em I say.

carabos · 04/02/2012 07:36

I was recently forced invited to become part of a new group that a friend was setting up. I reluctantly agreed (I'm a very snobbish reader) and all of my worst fears have been realised.

The books have all been rubbish, bar one, the politics are horrendous - basically one of the members is in competition with the chair and tries to take over at every meeting (and doesn't read the books). Some people who have been asked to join don't want to because they don't like some of the other members but don't want to say that's the reason and so on.

It's just awful, I don't want to go anymore but don't want to
upset my friend.

Proudnscary · 04/02/2012 07:58

I really like the sound of you, OP - if I ran a book club you would be first on my list but it'll never happen because I'm too busy having a real social life and can read books on my own thank you very much - I don't have to think up clever things to say to impress a bunch of pretentious knobbers.

Leave the wankers to their wankery and read your Jackie Collins with a vat of Chardonnay and a bag of Asda cheesy puffs by your side.

rosieposey · 04/02/2012 08:04

Taxi, i doubt Camilla would admit me to her book club either Grin

iscream · 04/02/2012 08:12

Come here to our public library's book club. They let anyone attend.

Oh wait, idea!
Write an expose on your village....of course they will be excited to have a published author among them, until they read your book ....and don't hold back on how horrible these women are...how they rejected and humiliated you!

That reminds me, I have not yet read The Help.
Maybe you can title your book "The Book Snub"?

TheCountessOlenska · 04/02/2012 08:31

My own Mother won't let me join her book group! Shock

Coconutty · 04/02/2012 08:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

baskingseals · 04/02/2012 09:15

my friend and I got chucked out of Book Club, or rather Let's all worship at the feet of the most loud and tiresome member club.

i said too much, apparently and my friend didn't say enough.

we started our own.

2rebecca · 04/02/2012 12:01

I used to go to one at the library. The librarians just had a list and as someone dropped out the next name on the list got added. This sounds much more personal meeting in each others houses and more of a private arrangement.
The library book club wasn't posh at all, but mainly had women. We also went to see films of the books and had wine and crisps. I stopped as I decided I wanted to choose my own books for a bit as I didn't have time for book club books and mine.
You do want to keep book clubs small though so everyone gets a say, and need a strong chair to stop the mouthiest woman taking over. Start your own up.