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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to react like this when my son said....

81 replies

betterwhenthesunshines · 03/02/2012 10:41

..."but you don't work for anything, you just use Daddy's money" over breakfast this morning (in a very condescending way)

I explained that we were a partnership and we both thought it was good to have one parent at home if we could afford that. I also said that if I had continued my career I would be a creative director of a design company by now. To which he replied "well that's not a proper job anyway". He's 10.

I went calmly upstairs and told him to come and talk to me. When he did I explained that for the next week he would be doing the things I did and that he could start by sorting the laundry basket... and while he was doing he could think about how much he was enjoying sorting everyone's dirty pants. :O

But I don't want to give him the idea that it's all drudgery, and that I'm a miserable martyr who is stuck at home, just to have a little more appreciation of the effort that goes into a home. Particularly this week as he knows I have been planning and making props for his school play, co-ordinating costumes, doing make-up team yesterday for 40+ children, also planning house renovation work alongside supporting his sister who has eye problems, homework, dog, cooking, ie usual stuff.

Makes my blood boil! What are you're experiences please?

OP posts:

VajazzleMyFoof · 03/02/2012 10:42

. That is really sad that he feels like that.

aldiwhore · 03/02/2012 10:44

Ah 10 year olds... my 8 year old has just started commenting and opining and whilst I encourage it, I do go nuclear with his niave views (he's allowed to be niave, he's 8) especially when aimed at me.

You dealt with this correctly, though you're right to not wish to turn it into a long list of drudge...

I think when you have a life that doesn't fit into the boxes you often see in school books etc., (fireman, doctor, businessperson etc) its well worth putting a lot of effort into explaining that there's many many forms of work that are vaild, and some don't PAY.

SmethwickBelle · 03/02/2012 10:47

Sounds like an attack of the Fauntleroys. Can your husband set him straight too? I think a few more chores are a good idea though.

Small children are ungrateful and blunt at times, I remember my nephew asking if we were poor because their house was bigger than ours. I was but he was only about 8 so let him off muttering something about how it is not polite to talk about how much money you have or haven't got.

WorraLiberty · 03/02/2012 10:47

I wouldn't be making him do the things you do, or he'll probably keep his thoughts and feelings to himself in the future and feel unable to talk to you about them.

Communication is the key here...not punishment.

I have no experience really because I'm a SAHM and have been ever since I had my kids, yet they're always saying how grateful they are that they can come home straight from school and don't have to spend the holidays in childcare.

FeelingsorryforSnape · 03/02/2012 10:48

:( for you. It's not good that he sees £££ as 'Daddy's money'.

wozntme · 03/02/2012 10:48

Show him this! swz.salary.com/momsalarywizard/htmls/mswl_momcenter.html

PandaNot · 03/02/2012 10:50

I would be asking my DH to talk to him about respecting what you do for the family, roles within the family and that it isn't "daddy's money". TBH you sound a lot calmer than I would be with a 10 year old who expressed these opinions and expressed such a dismissive attitude about me!

stinkingbishop · 03/02/2012 10:58

Third the idea of DH having the chat here...

I know it's hard, but try not to take it to heart; we always do something wrong. Main thing is to look at the outcome: apart from this, are you proud of your DS?

I just got told by my 17 year old that he saw me as a father figure (have been LP most of my life, always worked) and he hoped that I could be a SAHM for the soon-to-born twins, as he'd missed a lot of the 'more female things' (sic).

Torn between 'ungrateful little sod', 'sorry for feeding, housing and schooling you over the years instead of heading off to France like your Dad' and dissolving into tears...

Onwards.

He has also announced he is writing me a letter about how I can be a better parent this time round. God how stiff a drink will I need to read that!

Get your DH to nip it in the bud.

reddevil1 · 03/02/2012 11:01

he,s only 10 so i woulden,t take it to heart my dd thinks all i do is clean all day and don,t do anything at all. they just comment at what they see at that age they dont think

WorraLiberty · 03/02/2012 11:02

He has also announced he is writing me a letter about how I can be a better parent this time round. God how stiff a drink will I need to read that!

Are you not tempted to roll it into a cone and shove it up his arse?

Garliccheesechips · 03/02/2012 11:03

You're right to teach him the value of labour.
Make him earn things.

Original poster

betterwhenthesunshines · 03/02/2012 11:03

Thank you!
WorraLiberty you're right, I don't want it to be about punishment, more to give him an awareness. How old are your DCs? My mum was at home and I really appreciated that she was there when I came back from school. Sometimes she had other jobs and I really missed her - maybe I should be absent a bit more?!

DH is very supportive and thinks even I hugely underestimate the amount I do, but I don't think he talks to DS about it. Certainly hearing it from him might have more impact.

The mum's salary website looks good - that might make him think a bit! I think he's at that age where money starts to be relevant so it's part of his thinking at the moment

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 03/02/2012 11:05

Yes I think being absent a bit more might be a good idea.

My DS's are 20yrs, 12yrs and 9yrs.

MrsWuh · 03/02/2012 11:10

He's just being a kid - don't get your knickers in a twist over it. My friend had a baby in November, and her seven year old daughter is continually accusing her of being fat, asking her when she is going to do some exercise, saying that she never does anything, and it's Daddy who does all the work. She knows exactly what buttons to press to upset her Mum, and I'm sure she is just trying to get a reaction (maybe there is a little insecurity creeping in because of the new baby). Whenever my son says something like that, I just laugh it off and agree with him - "Yes, I need to do more exercise" or "Aren't we lucky to have such a fabulous Daddy?" He knows it doesn't work as a means of winding me up, so I don't tend to get deliberately spiteful or loaded comments. (If he really wants to upset me, he knows it's much more effective to let me see him licking his nose instead of wiping it, which sends me ballistic every time - urrrrggghhhh!)

Ilovedaintynuts · 03/02/2012 11:10

Don't take it personally. 10 year olds say some horrible stuff.
When I was pregnant with DD1 my DS asked my I hadn't had an abortion as the new baby was going mean less money for him. I was
I think getting your DH to explain your 'arrangement' is the best plan.

SiamoNellaMerda · 03/02/2012 11:27

Actually I think you should take it personally and let him know just exactly how hurtful his comments are. If you soldier on regardless he'll never know that it's NOT ok to demean someone, anyone, like this. I always let my DS know when he said something thoughtless or unkind (not that he did it often) and I believe that helped him develop the empathy that is now such a charming part of his character.

iwantbrie · 03/02/2012 11:33

Personally I would be asking where he got the whole idea from in the first place! I've no idea how you were so calm about it tbh, not sure I would be if my DC's came out with a gem like that one... YANBU to make him do the jobs you do for him, maybe it will teach him to think before he speaks occasionally & appreciate you a bit more.

Original poster

betterwhenthesunshines · 03/02/2012 11:40

I know what you mean about pushing buttons but on this occasion I don't think it's appropriate to laugh it off. It wasn't said in a button-pushing kind of way, just a rather thoughtless reflection of what are obviously his true feelings.

One day he will (maybe!) have a wife of his own and his sister (maybe) will be a wife and mother. I'm sure the social situation won't have changed that much by then.... but I don't wish to reinforce the money=worth link.

OP posts:

OffMeTrolley · 03/02/2012 11:44

ask him if he thinks you should get a job then

and then say ok, well you will have to go to a childminder after school and of course i wont have time to take you to x y and z, or do A B & C for you

and leave it for him to reflect on

TroublesomeEx · 03/02/2012 11:45

OP, I think you've done just the right thing. DS spent last weekend re-ironing his school uniform after it ended up in a crumpled heap at the bottom of his wardrobe rather than being hung up! Grr!

Although he did say he liked it when I became a teacher because it meant he had a simple answer to "what does your mum do?

They just like nice comfortable labels and see things very simplistically.

My DS is starting to show some worrying sexist attitudes despite DH and I having very non-traditional roles. We challenge them but unfortunately he's picking them up from somewhere.

NorthernWreck · 03/02/2012 11:48

I agree with Siam about children needing to be told when they say hurtful things to you. It's never OK to be thoughtless or mean-especially to your Mum!

EssexGurl · 03/02/2012 12:20

My 6 yo DS asks me what I have done each day when we get home from school. It does sound a bit rubbish sometimes but by the time I've dropped him and DD at school/pre-school, then collected her and had lunch there is not much time to do lots. I seem to be chasing my tail the whole time rushing to and from schools and shopping, cleaning etc. But it does hurt as sometimes I do get the feeling that he thinks I just sit around all day!

I couldn't continue working as there was no way I could get to the childcare in time each day (work refused to allow me to adjust hours 30 mins earlier to get there) and didn't want a nanny (also impossible to get good ones here!).

AngryFeet · 03/02/2012 12:27

Blimey I would be really upset. I also agree that I would get DH to have a serious chat with him.

Sorry MrsWuh but I completely disagree with you. I have a 7 year old and she would never speak to me like your friends DD speaks to her! No way in hell would I be 'laughing it off'! There maybe a new baby coming but it is not ok to have such a level of contempt and disrespect for your parents.

Chundle · 03/02/2012 12:38

I had my wisdom teeth out last week so dh took time off work and I made him do everything I did. He dropped me at hosp, did school run, took dd2 to gym class, fixed lunch, did activities with dd2, school run, collected me, did tea, took dd1 to taekwondo, stories, bath, bed etc. He said he was shattered at end of day! Then he had to do it all over again the next day as well!

So why don't you say to ds how he thinks dh would cope making costumes for plays, doing makeup, doing activities etc etc and that you will let dh do all this!!! I'm.betting ds says no wayyyy!!! That will show ds how much he actually values u!
One day of my dh putting dds hair up for school was enough for my.dd :)

OrmIrian · 03/02/2012 12:48

He's heard that from someone at school! I'd be prepared to put money on it. Yes to making him help out so that he appreciates what you do. But not as punishment, more as an educative experience

I remember being told by a friend's DD (similar age to your DS) when I came in from work while she was visiting us, that I must be a secretary . Presumably because that is what women who go out to work do....

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