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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to react like this when my son said....

81 replies

betterwhenthesunshines · 03/02/2012 10:41

..."but you don't work for anything, you just use Daddy's money" over breakfast this morning (in a very condescending way)

I explained that we were a partnership and we both thought it was good to have one parent at home if we could afford that. I also said that if I had continued my career I would be a creative director of a design company by now. To which he replied "well that's not a proper job anyway". He's 10.

I went calmly upstairs and told him to come and talk to me. When he did I explained that for the next week he would be doing the things I did and that he could start by sorting the laundry basket... and while he was doing he could think about how much he was enjoying sorting everyone's dirty pants. :O

But I don't want to give him the idea that it's all drudgery, and that I'm a miserable martyr who is stuck at home, just to have a little more appreciation of the effort that goes into a home. Particularly this week as he knows I have been planning and making props for his school play, co-ordinating costumes, doing make-up team yesterday for 40+ children, also planning house renovation work alongside supporting his sister who has eye problems, homework, dog, cooking, ie usual stuff.

Makes my blood boil! What are you're experiences please?

OP posts:
toddlerama · 03/02/2012 12:49

Ask him what he's done all day for the family as a whole. Maybe he'd like to get a little part-time job and put all the money towards the mortgage if it bothers him. If he can't get a job, sounds like some chores and a sense of shared responsibility is due. It's not wrong for him to ask what you contribute, because he's reaching an age where he should take some responsibility himself. Make him a list of things he needs to take on now for the household - NOT a massive punishment thing, but a couple of small, regular items so he can see that this is a team effort. Maybe he could dust and hoover on sat morning, or take responsibility for clearing the table after meals (cooked by you I presume - he should be grateful for small mercies then!!). These small tasks will make him value your larger ones.

gordyslovesheep · 03/02/2012 12:52

write him a letter on how to be a better kids , refuse to spend any of 'Daddy's money' on him - spend it on Gin and shoes x

IKilledIgglePiggle · 03/02/2012 13:00

I have had the exact same conversation with my 10yo DS, I told him that infact I am in charge of the money and that daddy has to come to me if he wants cash ( true, but he does have a company credit card, but the demon doesn't know that) I think he said it in response to me telling him he couldn't spend his birthday money on I pod apps, he wanted to make a point back to me, my 7yo DS was listening in and defending me..........I am finding that since he turned 10 he is displaying a bit of an attitude, he is growing up, fine, but I just won't have him being nasty and thinking he knows everything.

stinkingbishop · 03/02/2012 13:54

worra don't worry, am considering sending him off to Uni with a 10 page tome on 'how DS can be a better person all round'.

Only joking ;)

Well...

Back to OP as am aware (from other thread) that I do tend to boom on about me too much!

There was a good suggestion above about getting DH and DS to do one of your days themselves. That might be a help. I think the idea of showing him how much money laundrette/ironing/cleaning/cooking/taxis/gardening etc is a good one too.

But try, TRY to see it as a 10 year old trying to flex his muscles, talk like a grown up (he thinks), copying things he's heard, assert himself, the early peacock ruffles and breaking away of puberty. Point out the illogic. Say calmly how hurtful it is. But steel yourself.

whackamole · 03/02/2012 14:08

I think you have done exactly the right thing.

My mum was a SAHM and we didn't want for anything. I dare say as children me and my brother and sister were spoiled, in that although we didn't get everything we wanted, we never had to do anything. All mum wanted us to do was keep our rooms tidy and put our dirty washing in the laundry basket. We never did, and she just ran around after us. I think if she had done what you have done, we might have seen how actually, it is annoying when you feel like everything you do is taken for granted!

noblegiraffe · 03/02/2012 15:01

A male friend of mine has often commented that he thinks all boys go through a period of thinking that their mums are useless. He said he always thought his mum was less intelligent than his dad despite now realising she's very clever and with a string of accolades.

I can see it at school as a teacher that quite a few boys have problems with female teachers and have less respect for them.

I suppose that it doesn't help boys if all they've seen mum do is clean and cook and nag them to do their homework. I'm not saying it's not vital, or hard, but it's not particularly respected, even by adults.

Amaretti · 03/02/2012 15:07

Give it a few days, then tell him you have applied for a job. Tell him you don't know whether you will get it, but if you do he will have to get up earlier every morning to go to breakfast club and then stay on at aftter school club. Tell him you won't be able to have his friends round for tea in the week, but he can still have them at weekends. Tell him which of his after school activites will have to stop. Then leave him to stew for a bit.

RobinSure · 03/02/2012 15:11

It's a ten year old. They're more moronic than most people, and most people are pretty stupid. Get over it.

Maryz · 03/02/2012 15:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rhinestone · 03/02/2012 15:32

Hmm, not good obviously.

But...is domestic work all he ever sees you do? I must admit that my mum was a SAHM and never did ANYTHING other than stay at home, cook, and watch TV. Is there something you can do so that he realises you're a person in your own right? New hobby, old hobby, a sport of something that would impress a 10 yr old boy? Might make him respect your abilities a bit more.

Original poster
betterwhenthesunshines · 03/02/2012 16:31

I have been out since 10, walking dog, food shopping, made packed lunch, picked up DD from school and travelled on tube to opposite side of London for her eye appointment. Back to school to pick him and his friend up to feed them both quickly before we go back to school for their play.

He and friend are currently unstacking and restacking the dishwasher and clearing away the breakfast stuff. Love it :O

OP posts:
NorthernWreck · 03/02/2012 16:38

I hope you kicked him out on his arse Mary!

NorthernWreck · 03/02/2012 16:40

Yeah noblegiraffe, but look at stinkingbishops post off the first page, and you will see that mothers can't win!
It's true that boys seem to respect men more than women in general, and it pisses me right off.

Original poster
betterwhenthesunshines · 03/02/2012 16:41

Sorry - didn't see the second page...

No, domestic work isn't all he sees. Well, it's certainly not all I do. Unfortunately a lot of that also happens after he has gone to bed. I have also had painting exhibitions - he enjoyed that as not only could he see that when I sold work it meant other people valued it (back to money = value again though Hmm). But it also that he could give me 'a label' that he was happy with ie. my mum's an artist. So I think there's something in that too.

I do remember wondering quite what my mum did all day. But I'm equally sure my own brother thinks the same thing about me and he's a fully grown adult, not a 10 yr old!

OP posts:
burlesquemama · 03/02/2012 16:49

I say "don't make comments about things you're too young to understand" in this sort of situation... it makes DS squirm...

NatashaBee · 03/02/2012 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BastardDog · 03/02/2012 17:00

I'd always been a SAHM until my son made very similar comments when he was 11. It infuriated me so much I went out and got a part time job.

2 days a week he now gets home from school and has to stand on the doorstep for 45 mins waiting for me to get home. I'm no longer available for running the kids around to clubs after school or hosting friends for tea and one evening a week I work so dad is home with them. Dad thinks kids should sort out their own packed lunches and make their own tea, whereas I always do that stuff.

Kids are always ecstatic to see me when I walk through the door after my evening shift. It's made them appreciate me so much more.

BastardDog · 03/02/2012 17:02

burlesquemama love that quote. Will store that away for future reference.

RabidEchidna · 03/02/2012 17:15

Neither of my children would have dared say such a thing to me.
I have been the stay at home parent (working part time to fit round school)
So yes their dad goes out to work and earns the money and I...

Run the house
cook, clean, decorate, garden, school runs, PA, shop, arrange parties/play dates, Drs, dentist, hospital appointments, pet care, wash, iron add everything else.

bobbledunk · 03/02/2012 17:32

He's ten, you can't expect him to be impressed with housework, an astronaut is interesting, a brain surgeon is interesting, sahp is down there with stacking shelves at tesco's. Tell your son that if he want's an interesting, impressive job, he has to be good and work very, very hard to get top marks at school to get into an excellent university.

Why on earth do you want to bore him to death with what you do? Get him interested in what he want's to do with his life, this could be an opportunity to get him motivated to be a brilliant, ambitious student by getting him focused on what he wants to be as an adult. If your ego is more important than that, then he may have a point.

IKilledIgglePiggle · 03/02/2012 17:57

bobbledunk that doesn't make sense, it's got nothing to do with what he wants to do with his life, he needs to respect the person who has lovingly cooked, cleaned, wiped his arse ect since the day he was born. What kind of man will he turn into if he can't appreciate his mother for all she does for him.

I'm not just referring to the OP, I also feel this way about my DS's. Mother son relationships start to change as the boy gets older, he needs to know mums in charge.

giveitago · 03/02/2012 18:36

ooh - you are punishing him for this? Seems a bit harsh.

My ds is 5- he sees me as a slave as I do way too much (another story) - any time I make him pull his weight I'm underminded by dh. But ds does know what I do in the home is important (I work also).

I'm not happy with the situation as a) it's offensive to me b) if he carries on being like this he doesn'[t stand a chance getting into a nice relationship if his sense of male entitlement is so high.

No idea what to do. DS does know- he is naturally respectful but he's very much influenced by dh's views.

giveitago · 03/02/2012 18:38

Bobbledunk - are you kidding?

NorthernWreck · 03/02/2012 18:38

BastardDog-why can't your son have a key?! (It's cold!)

NeedlesCuties · 03/02/2012 18:52

I gave up my full-time job when DS was born, as I wanted to be a SAHM and DH's salary allowed me to do this.

My 21-year-old brother-in-law came round to visit and said to me, "So, are you just going to be babysitting full-time now then?"

My face was Hmm I told him that I can't 'babysit' my own DS. I also told him to think of everything it takes to keep a house ticking over - shopping, cleaning, etc etc. I told him that as well as looking after DS I do those things. I think it was his use of the word "just" that pissed me off....

But OP, I do think 10 is a prime age to explain more to your DS, or maybe get his dad to try having a word with him along with you.

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