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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to react like this when my son said....

81 replies

betterwhenthesunshines · 03/02/2012 10:41

..."but you don't work for anything, you just use Daddy's money" over breakfast this morning (in a very condescending way)

I explained that we were a partnership and we both thought it was good to have one parent at home if we could afford that. I also said that if I had continued my career I would be a creative director of a design company by now. To which he replied "well that's not a proper job anyway". He's 10.

I went calmly upstairs and told him to come and talk to me. When he did I explained that for the next week he would be doing the things I did and that he could start by sorting the laundry basket... and while he was doing he could think about how much he was enjoying sorting everyone's dirty pants. :O

But I don't want to give him the idea that it's all drudgery, and that I'm a miserable martyr who is stuck at home, just to have a little more appreciation of the effort that goes into a home. Particularly this week as he knows I have been planning and making props for his school play, co-ordinating costumes, doing make-up team yesterday for 40+ children, also planning house renovation work alongside supporting his sister who has eye problems, homework, dog, cooking, ie usual stuff.

Makes my blood boil! What are you're experiences please?

OP posts:

HappyMummyOfOne · 03/02/2012 18:55

He's a child, they see things differently and look at things far simplier than adults do. So to him you dont work and the money earned is done so by his dad.

Children are always telling others what their parents do for a living or they will do schoolwork that may involve it, perhaps its come from that and he didnt hve an answer as you dont have a job.

B/Dog, why cant your child have a key - its been freezing lately and 45 mins is a long time to make a child stay out in the cold just to prove a point.

exoticfruits · 03/02/2012 19:08

It is just a child like view. I would just remain calm and say that it really isn't like that and he will understand when he is older.

JustAnother · 03/02/2012 19:10

I am going to take a different approach here? Has he maybe spotted some disappointment in your current arrangement and is reflecting this? I am just asking because my mum was a SAHM, back in the 70s, and gosh! she was bitter about it. She tried to hide it, but she couldn't. Both my sister and I kept on working after the DCs were born. I think we never wanted to be like mum.

On the other hand, if you are mega-happy like this, just explain it to him.

LynetteScavo · 03/02/2012 19:19

OP, your DS is 10... 10 year old boys generally don't understand how life works. If they did, we could send them out to earn their own living.

We were stuck in a traffic jam outside a nice house today. My 8yo asked how much it cost. I told him what I thought it might cost, and how much he would have to earn to have a mortgage for a similar house. He asked me how much I earned. He seemed quite shocked I earned no where near enough to ever buy the house. He asked me why I didn't earn very much, and I explained I work part time, but if I didn't have children I would work full time, and in fact when I met DH I earned more than him, and I could earn twice as much as him now if I worked hard enough.

Oh, and I do all of the domestic duties...I would love to be a full time SAHM, and not have to do all the home jobs/PTA/ house renovation/ supporting DC with their difficulties during weekends and evenings. If I was a SAHM, I would happily let my DC tell me I don't work for anything, and just use Daddy's money. (As it is I work for a little bit of money and spend all of Daddy's money, my DC just haven't realised it yet) I'm obviously a mug.

dixiechick1975 · 03/02/2012 19:21

Could they be talking about careers and things in school and maybe he is feeling odd one out (I think statistically most mums of 10 year old work).

I'd be tempted to put him in before and aftercare for a couple of weeks, miss all his activities and half term in a childcare club - preferably a sport he hates and let him experience life on the 'otherside'.

Probably not a good idea though!

LynetteScavo · 03/02/2012 19:22

Sounds like a good idea to me dixiechick1975.

earlyonemorning · 03/02/2012 19:31

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for personal reasons.

BastardDog · 03/02/2012 19:52

He has the choice to go to homework club or any one of 22 other after school activities, but he chooses to come straight home and stand on the doorstep??? I have tried and tried to persuade him to go to homework club or an after school activity but he seems to regard it as some sort of child abuse that he can't come straight home and access his Xbox or tv at 3.30 prompt. His sister has more sense and goes to after school club.

LynetteScavo · 03/02/2012 20:38

But we don't understand why you don't give him a key.

ImperialBlether · 03/02/2012 20:47

I think it's really rude and, to be frank, his attitude is awful. I would be very tempted to go away for a fortnight. Not a week as they could live on taxis and takeaways for that long, but by the end of the second week he might cotton on to what you actually do.

troisgarcons · 03/02/2012 20:48

Skipping 3 pages ........ frankly a lot of this does come from school curriculum.

I don't subscribe to the 'traditional' feminist view ... I'm a bit old in the tooth for that ....I believe people should be what they want to be and not what society dictates. I'm just establishing that viewpoint!

Some women want careers, some want to be full time parents , some like a balance of the both. Some are lucky enough to have the choice. Most dont have the choice of whether to work or not.

The curriculum has a drive to ensure girls fulfil potential - thats great but some girls actually want to have a family, a husband, children and be home-makers.

Although, there is an old saying "educate the mother and you educate the family".

RedHotPokers · 03/02/2012 20:59

Children (especially teens and pre-teens) are programmed to be ungrateful IME!

When I was a teenager I would moan because my mum was always around (not at work like some of my friends mums who let them have a key), because I had homemade cake in my lunchbox (rather than a wagon wheel) etc etc.

In reality I wouldn't have wanted her to be working full time, but that didn't stop me taking her for granted unfortunately.

My DCs (5 and 2) already realise that DH and I go to work to earn money so we can pay for things, so I suppose it makes sense (although not particularly fair) to think that the money is Daddys if he is the one who WOH. Just need an explanation of why what you do is so important, and why not all important work bears a financial reward.

margoandjerry · 03/02/2012 21:09

Play him this:

It's No Charge - in case you already know it.

I don't agree with the poster who said you can disregard it because kids say this sort of thing. I think it needs kicking in to touch. He needs to start to understand that you are hard working - and actually extremely capable. DH to have a conversation about respect perhaps?

margoandjerry · 03/02/2012 21:10

sorry here's the link as a link

BastardDog · 03/02/2012 21:20

I don't give him a key because I don't want him in the house alone. He wants to come straight home and go straight on his Xbox. I would rather he spent his time more wisely at homework club, basketball, football, chess club or whatever club he chooses. It's only twice a week and i'm home by 4.15. I think 2 extra curricular activities a week is a desirable and healthy balance. He doesn't agree and chosses to stand on the doorstep instead.

NorthernWreck · 03/02/2012 21:23

BastardDog: maybe he just has had enough of school at the end of the school day. I don't think there were any after school clubs when I was at school, and I had a key, let myself in and watched kids telly!
You can't leave him on the doorstep!

MAYBELATERNOWIMBUSY · 03/02/2012 21:36

YEAH IF SAY D.CAMERON HAD SAID IT OK, YOUR CHILD IS HOW OLD ? SEND THAT CHILD TO THE TOWER THIS MINUTE, THE STUPID BOY ,HOW DARE HE ? NOW AT LEAST HE KNOWS WHAT MUMMY MIGHT ,THATS MIGHT! HAVE BEEN

maybenow · 03/02/2012 21:54

i think your ds needs to reflect not so much on what YOU do and what YOUR life is like, but on what HIS would be like if you worked full time.
can you talk to him about what it would be like to go to after-school childminding till 7pm every day? no favourite tea every night, never having you at a school play or assembly, him going to childcare or gps when ill... (yes, i know life isn't like that for all children of working parents, but no harm in concentrating on the negatives only in this situation).

children of his are just are self-centred. so i'd concentrate on how your SAH makes HIS life easier/nicer.

xmyboys · 03/02/2012 21:58

Bastarddog- completely agree with your attitude. He has made the choice not tondo these activities so tough he can wait outside. I would not be giving a key.

BastardDog · 03/02/2012 22:01

I don't leave him on the doorstep. I expect him to go to clubs. He doesn't. He walks home and stands on the doorstep. I think he's barmy, but it's his choice.
We do not think he is mature enough to have a key so we wish him to use after school provision twice a week. He won't. I can't force him, but neither am I obliged to give him a key when alternatives are available to him.

NorthernWreck · 03/02/2012 22:20

Bastard Dog-and yet he is mature enough to wait out in the freezing cold for 45 mins?
He obviously doesn't want to do the "alternatives". For whatever reason, and maybe he has good reasons.
So what if he plays X Box for 45 mins? It's called downtime. He is a child. I think you are deciding what he "ought " to be doing and not treating him like an individual.
I wouldnt leave a dog out in this weather.

sportsfanatic · 03/02/2012 22:21

You could always get him to write out "I am a trainee misogynist" one hundred times....

BastardDog · 03/02/2012 22:32

It's not about him wanting to play Xbox for 45 mins. It's about him not wanting to do anything but play Xbox. I agree it's been cold this week, but until this week we have had a mild winter. Perhaps if this winter had been as harsh as last, he would have capitulated and gone to clubs by now. Anyway, bedtime for me. Night night.

Corpse · 03/02/2012 22:33

My DS was recently trying to get the day off school (man-flu) and said "You can't talk, you only work 3 days a week".

13 hour shifts over 3 days but hey - I get 4 days a week off - lazy cah that I am.

ClothesOfSand · 03/02/2012 22:46

I think your DS needs to do more housework and start getting the bus to activities. It is not in his best interests for you to be running around after him. Of course he doesn't appreciate what you do; he has no sense of responsibility because he has not been given any. As a consequence he is unable to recognise the responsibilities that you have.

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