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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my brother at my wedding?

76 replies

NiceDayForAWhiteWedding · 03/02/2012 10:34

(I've name changed for this) Another wedding AIBU, sorry!

I'm getting married at the end of the month, it's all being arranged very quickly. The original plan was to invite both sets of parents, DP's brother & my sister, and have a very small ceremony/lunch afterwards. DP & I are paying for it ourselves. Now my DM is saying we 'have' to invite my brother, so his DD can be a bridesmaid. (She has also decided she will be paying for lunch too).

Now to me, a wedding is a celebration of love, and I want people there who DP & I love, and who love us. DBro doesn't fit into those categories. Ever since DP & I first got together he has variously stirred, caused trouble, ignored us, spread rumours about us that resulted in our being ostracised from our group of friends, and generally been vile to and about us. However all through this he has been my DParents blue eyed boy, although he has stopped speaking to them for years, in the past, as well.

Also if DNiece is there, DM & DF will ignore everyone else, including my DSis' children, to spend the day fawning over her (voice of bitter experience). I want this to be our day, mine & DP's, SO, WIBU not to invite Dbro & if so, how do I tell him I'm getting wed but that I don't want him there without causing a row?

Long - sorry, well done if you got this far Grin

OP posts:
wozntme · 03/02/2012 10:37

It's your day, not you Parents' day or anyone else's. It's about what you and your dp want. I would stick to my guns. I'm also getting married, and have had the opposite where I've had people telling me who I can't invite!!! They have not been successful!

aldiwhore · 03/02/2012 10:38

Very tricky. YANBU to not wish a killjoy to be in attendance. BUT I can understand your parent's upset.

You might not get what you want without hurting someone you love, but if you're not prepared to compromise you may have to rethink you day completely.

Is there any way your parents would ever understand your decision and tolerate it?

lynniep · 03/02/2012 10:39

Its your wedding. Do it your way. If your DB has never been so 'D' tell him (email perhaps - if you cant do it face to face) in as many words. 'I've always felt this way....etc.'
Your parents can lump it.
Again its YOUR wedding.

mojitomania · 03/02/2012 10:39

Do what YOU want OP, it's your wedding.

fedupofnamechanging · 03/02/2012 10:39

Tell your parents that you are not going to invite your brother, that it's your wedding and you will decide the guest list and everything else.

You have to stand up for yourself and for what you want. I wouldn't worry about the fallout of telling your brother he is not invited - it sounds like he didn't worry about it when he was stirring and generally being vile.

You just have to be brave and stand your ground. If you let other people dictate the terms of your wedding, you will regret it and end up feeling resentful and no bride should be made to feel like that on her wedding day.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 03/02/2012 10:40

YANBU. The only people that should be at your wedding are people that support both you and your future dh and want the best for you. Of your brother doesn't fulfil that criteria, he shouldn't be there.

You're wedding is about you and your new husband, it is not about what your Mum wants. She has had her wedding.

Congratulations!

Original poster
NiceDayForAWhiteWedding · 03/02/2012 10:41

I think they might understand, although they always make excuses for why he is how he is (they curently blame his DP, conveniently forgetting he wasn't with her when he started being like this). I think I'm more worried about how DBro will react.

OP posts:
CMOTDibbler · 03/02/2012 10:41

Just say no, and keep saying it. You don't want him there, you don't want his dd as a bridesmaid. End of. Just refuse to be drawn into an arguement, and send your brother a letter/email to say that 'you may have been told we will be married on x, just for clarity, you are not invited'

wozntme · 03/02/2012 10:42

Oh sorry.... forgot to answer last bit! I can't see it being easy to avoid a row, but I would be inclined to be honest with him, and say that due to his past behaviour you would prefer that he did not attend / he isn't welcome or similar. I understand why people elope, and I haven't really had a hard time with mine. My friend however is having loads of problems, bless her. She has weeks to go, the dress hasn't come (from abroad), bridesmaid's father is terminally ill and she has had to drop out at short notice, her sister is bridezilla and is constantly harrassing her... I can see her doing a similar post on how to uninvite her sister!!

Hope you get some support from your parents.

forgottenmyname · 03/02/2012 10:42

the wedding guests should be there to express their love, support and respect for your relationship. as you db has shown that he is not supportive of you, he has no place there, imo- unless he repents and you accept apol.

Original poster
NiceDayForAWhiteWedding · 03/02/2012 10:42

"The only people that should be at your wedding are people that support both you and your future dh and want the best for you." - Thanks
thanks, that's exactly how we feel.

OP posts:
wozntme · 03/02/2012 10:43

all that typing, and I could have just written 'What Karma Said'....!! Grin

Original poster
NiceDayForAWhiteWedding · 03/02/2012 10:44

I'm really tempted, as the wedding is on a Wednesday, to not tell him for a couple of weeks and hope that there's no way for him to get cover at work -taking the cowards way out a bit!

OP posts:
Original poster
NiceDayForAWhiteWedding · 03/02/2012 10:45

wozntme Grin we don't type fast enough!

OP posts:
MrsWuh · 03/02/2012 10:45

My brother and I have never got along, but he still came to my wedding - my Mum even insisted that he should be an usher. But then she and my Dad were paying for it, so there wasn't much I could do about it really. I don't think we exchanged more than a few words all day - we just stayed out of each other's way and it kept Mum and Dad happy.

I don't see why his DD has to be a bridesmaid just because your Mum says so, given that she's not paying. It's only a tiny wedding. Tell her you don't want a bridesmaid, and then surely you don't need to invite your brother either?

Original poster
NiceDayForAWhiteWedding · 03/02/2012 10:49

MrsWuh DM wants to pay for a bridesmaid dress for DNiece too so I can't say I won't pay for it. I just need to get tough and stand my ground a bit I suppose.

OP posts:
IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 03/02/2012 11:02

Tell your Mum that it is important to you both that you pay for your own wedding yourselves. She has no business telling you who she wants to be bridesmaid. What about your sisters dc?

eurochick · 03/02/2012 11:19

It's your wedding. Remind your mum that she had hers, some years ago, and got to make her own choices then (and if she didn't, more fool her).

If you can I would turn down her offer to pay for lunch. It's much easier to keep control of the event if you are holding the pursestrings.

ENormaSnob · 03/02/2012 11:20

Yanbu

G1nger · 03/02/2012 11:23

I was bullied into inviting my disowned sister to my wedding. Don't do it, OP. Stand your ground.

GnomeDePlume · 03/02/2012 11:24

What eurochick said

YANBU

Matches · 03/02/2012 11:30

I think you have to accept that a row is likely, sorry.
But is that so bad? Wink

Because if you confront this head on, and tell your mother that you don't want your DB there because he's never supported your relationship - in fact he has actively UNsupported it - then you'll be:

(a) having an honest, straightfoward communication
(b) being brave by not taking the 'easy' option out
(c) being true to yourself
(d) standing up for what is best for your DH-to-be

All those are good things, no? Smile

ChaoticAngel · 03/02/2012 12:11

YANBU You'll have to stand your ground which won't be easy but it'll be worth it.

Original poster
NiceDayForAWhiteWedding · 03/02/2012 12:14

Matches You haven't met my mother!! Grin I can do (d), been doing that for nearly 10 years now!, but the others...

OP posts:
Original poster
NiceDayForAWhiteWedding · 03/02/2012 12:16

Eurochick & others, you're right, I didn't want to seem ungrateful for the offer but I think the original plan is the way to go: my £, my rules. I'm just not looking forwards to the row

OP posts:
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