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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my brother at my wedding?

76 replies

NiceDayForAWhiteWedding · 03/02/2012 10:34

(I've name changed for this) Another wedding AIBU, sorry!

I'm getting married at the end of the month, it's all being arranged very quickly. The original plan was to invite both sets of parents, DP's brother & my sister, and have a very small ceremony/lunch afterwards. DP & I are paying for it ourselves. Now my DM is saying we 'have' to invite my brother, so his DD can be a bridesmaid. (She has also decided she will be paying for lunch too).

Now to me, a wedding is a celebration of love, and I want people there who DP & I love, and who love us. DBro doesn't fit into those categories. Ever since DP & I first got together he has variously stirred, caused trouble, ignored us, spread rumours about us that resulted in our being ostracised from our group of friends, and generally been vile to and about us. However all through this he has been my DParents blue eyed boy, although he has stopped speaking to them for years, in the past, as well.

Also if DNiece is there, DM & DF will ignore everyone else, including my DSis' children, to spend the day fawning over her (voice of bitter experience). I want this to be our day, mine & DP's, SO, WIBU not to invite Dbro & if so, how do I tell him I'm getting wed but that I don't want him there without causing a row?

Long - sorry, well done if you got this far Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
NiceDayForAWhiteWedding · 03/02/2012 12:17

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll DM doesn't think it's appropriate to have pageboys for some reason. Although one of them is only 1 so a little small even for that Smile

OP posts:
NeldaAufwader · 03/02/2012 12:23

Stand your ground. There were certain members of my family we didn't invite to our wedding for various reasons, people weren't happy initially. My mum tried the guilt trip but got over it.
I've never regretted it, I would have if they'd been there.

Ephiny · 03/02/2012 12:37

I think YANBU. It seems a bit of a shame not to have your sibling at your wedding, but given what you've said I don't blame you. It's your decision, not your mum's. And for a small quiet wedding like this, you probably don't need/want bridesmaids anyway?

TheCuntwormUnderfoot · 03/02/2012 13:07

Sounds like now's the time to give a sharp message to your controlling cow of a mother who can't see past the sunbeams shining out of her nasty little son's behind.

'Right, first thing, this is OUR wedding. We're doing it the way WE want, and WE'RE paying for it. You won't be making any decisions on who is invited or who has a role. If you can't accept that, I don't want you there.

Secondly, the only people that we want at our wedding are people that support both me and DP and want the best for us. You know how awful has been to DP especially. I don't want him there, i don't like him, he isn't a nice person and where me and DP are concerned YOU need to understand that and give as much respect to us and our decisions as you do to him and his family. I don't want his daughter as a bridesmaid and that isn't happening.

I had hoped that I might be able to make that decision WITHOUT other people butting in and making an issue of it. However, if you refuse to do that, I can see that the best way forward is to actually make it official and cut contact with them. We might as well, he'll know where he stands at least. If that's the way you want it, just carry on pushing and interfering, Mum.'

Original poster
NiceDayForAWhiteWedding · 05/02/2012 10:17

Well, yesterday, I tried saying a slightly politer version of what Cuntworm suggested, it went well, DM seemed to accept my reasons.

Or so I thought. I got a phone call from my DSis quite late on giving me the heads up that they'd tried falling out with her about it and that today I should expect blackmail phonecalls from both DM & DF trying to change my mind, as 'Ive put them in a difficult position'. Erm, how?

So it looks like either I have my brother there or no parents. Great. Sad

I just wanted to get married and be happy.

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 05/02/2012 10:23

I'm so sorry it's turning out like this, but if I'm honest, I would still not give in.

If my parents pulled a stunt like this, I would tell them that they are welcome to attend, but they do not get to dictate who is invited.

If my parents chose not to come, then they have made their priorities perfectly clear and that would be it for me - I would no longer have them involved in my life.

i think that if you let them ruin your wedding, you will always feel resentful and regretful. Stick to what you and dp want.

SydSaid · 05/02/2012 10:26

If your parents decide not to attend, that is their choice. When/if they try and use this against you, stay strong and be clear that you would like them to be there, but if they feel that they can't attend that is their choice to make, that it will make you sad that they won't be there but it won't change your plans.

perplexedpirate · 05/02/2012 10:33

Well done you for telling them. Stand your ground, let them run around making phone calls, threatening not to come, whatever.
Someone I couldn't abide turned up at my wedding (uninvited, who does that?!?) and while I didn't let it spoil the day I still very much wish they hadn't been there.
Stick to your guns.
Have a lovely wedding day . Congratulations. Smile

fuzzywuzzy · 05/02/2012 10:34

Personally if they start falling out with you about this, I'd simply say 'I would love to have you at my wedding but if you chose not to attend because of your inability to accept my decision regarding the guest list I completely understand.' hen I'd forget it, chances are they'll be sulking during the wedding day too!

SJisontheway · 05/02/2012 10:37

I think yanbu but I think you need to decide where you want your relationship with your brother to go. Would you like to build bridges at some stage or are you happy to write the relationship off? If the latter then I wouldn't worry about telling your brother or his reaction. I would hold firm with your patents and insist they respect your wishes. If however you would like your brother in your life in the future I would reconsider your stance as your relationship may never recover from this. If you feel the relationship is already beyond saving then just hold firm.

AThingInYourLife · 05/02/2012 10:48

Not having your own brother at your wedding was bound to cause a row.

It's a big deal not to invite a sibling, and your parents were likely to be upset and feel caught in the middle.

What, at this point, feels better to you?

1 backing down and inviting your brother, avoiding a row over your wedding

2 standing your ground, having a big family row around your wedding

Which do you think will lead to happier memories in the future?

The stuff your brother did sounds appalling and weird. I can see why you don't want him there?

Would he even show? If not, you might have a "best of all worlds" solution.

cheekyseamonkey · 05/02/2012 10:51

YANBU If he's a nob generally, what if with a few pints in him he spoils your day? You're hardly being a bridezilla, quite the opposite. Stand up to your mum & have a row now rather than on the day.

Worst case scenario is she says she won't come. If you explain it all to her & she still takes his side, prob best she's not there anyway.

Good luck, not easy.

SuePurblybilt · 05/02/2012 10:52

I wouldn't back down now. Isn't it just telling your parents that by being horrible, they can get exactly what they want?

If they really think they would be justified in not attending your wedding because someone they admit has been horrible to you is not invited, then fuck 'em. Let them off and invite two friends in their place.

Original poster
NiceDayForAWhiteWedding · 05/02/2012 10:55

They will sulk, & if they do attend, I'm under no illusion that they will do anything other than refuse to be sociable and sit round with faces like slapped arses. (DSis told me last night that at her wedding (there was similar fuss but I won't go into the long & boring back story) the parents went round being insulting about DSis new DH to all her friends at her reception Confused)

SJ I would love to feel that DBro & I could rebuild our relationship, I've had hopes in the past, but every time I get my hopes up he pulls another wanky stunt, I think too much water has gone under the bridge now. I stay in touch so I am allowed to see DNiece from time to time, who I love, and so we can have family gatherings without (too much) unpleasantness.

OP posts:
Original poster
NiceDayForAWhiteWedding · 05/02/2012 10:59

AThing I would hope he wouldn't show, especially as it's a midweek wedding, but if he did, I'd just think about all the horrid stuff he'd done when I should be just able to concentrate on getting wed. (Plus, all my parents would be focussed on would be Dniece and to hell with the rest of us (that's my bridezilla side coming out I suppose!))

OP posts:
MrsChemist · 05/02/2012 11:02

Stick to your guns.

It might be a good thing that they don't go, if the other option is them spending the day being sulky and snide.

QuintessentialyHollow · 05/02/2012 11:05

When they phone, just listen calmly, then quietly say:

"Dont worry, I quite understand if you dont want to attend my wedding if brother is not attending. Dont feel you have to come, but please let me know by X date if you are attending so I can include your meals in the food order".

ifeelloved · 05/02/2012 11:05

My god woman grow a pair!! Grin

It is your wedding day. At first I was going to say you have to invite him but hearing what he's like no you don't.

What is it with weddings? If this was a birthday party would anyone be bothered? No!

Stand your ground. If they call and start on you put the phone down. It is easy to do. If they call back do it again or just don't answer. If the come over, tell them at the doorstep that they can come in only if they don't go on about the wedding. Don't even enter into a conversation. You've said your piece and if they don't like it tough.

TadlowDogIncident · 05/02/2012 11:54

Niceday, it sounds as though your difficulties may be as much with your parents as with your brother - I wouldn't want someone at my wedding who'd gone around my DSis's wedding guests being rude about her husband! Serious question - why do you want them there anyway?

ZillionChocolate · 05/02/2012 11:56

If your brother is an arsehole, it's likely that there'll be a row one way or another about something. I think you should stand your ground. Your wedding is about the only day you can legitimately have what you want. Don't cave in to your parents.

iscream · 05/02/2012 12:07

Don't weaken your stance. Just tell your mother if she tries to bring it up again, that you have to go, and then leave.

This is why people elope!
Actually, you could do that. You could swear your sis and bil to secrecy, the 4 of you take off, get married, then announce it.

Engelsmeisje · 05/02/2012 12:16

My DPs wanted to pay for our wedding meal (tiny wedding with 11 adults) but DH felt strongly that he wanted to pay for it ourselves. My parents understood (and then whacked a huge cheque into my bank account after the wedding..far too much).

If you think your DM is insisting on paying for the meal to be "in control" then I would refuse politely.

It's your day. You should be able to do it how you want.

Original poster
NiceDayForAWhiteWedding · 05/02/2012 12:19

Right, I am growing a pair/manning up and so on! Although I'm just sat feeling jittery waiting for the phone to ring... Perhaps I'll go out for the afternoon! Grin

I wish we had just eloped, but DPs parents & brother have already booked their hotels, and are so happy for us, can't upset them (and wouldn't want to).

Tadlow I want my parents there because, well, they're my parents, and whilse they can be awful I still love them, and they're elderly, and I don't want to fall out with them at this stage of our lives as I would never be able to forgive myself. Plus, I'm the youngest child and closest to them because of it, they've been very good to both me & DP in the past above and beyond what you'd expect parents to do.

OP posts:
LydiaWickham · 05/02/2012 12:26

If your parents decide to not come to your wedding, that is their choice, if they threaten you with it say "I'm not going to pretend it won't upset me to realise you value [insert brothers name] feelings over mine, but that's your choice, you are invited to your daughters wedding, it's up to you if you go or not. I'm not going to discuss it, just let me know for numbers." Then "I'm not going to discuss it, just let me konw if you'll be there for not."

tribpot · 05/02/2012 12:39

Given your DSis' experience with your parents, it seems likely that they would have manufactured some drama/division even if you had invited your brother. It also sounds like, although your brother has behaved like a vile tosspot, it's your parents' behaviour that would be more of an issue on the actual day.

So I think you probably have three options:

  • back down, invite the brother and (assuming he comes) put up with your parents blatantly favouring him and his family and probably kicking off about your DH as per your sister's wedding
  • don't back down, parents come and kick off as per plus about the fact you've excluded your brother
  • don't back down, parents refuse to come. You have a more peaceful wedding day but your parents aren't present.

Sadly I think you'll have to decide which is more important to you on your wedding day - peace or parents. Not a great choice to have to make.