Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To not want my brother at my wedding?

76 replies

NiceDayForAWhiteWedding · 03/02/2012 10:34

(I've name changed for this) Another wedding AIBU, sorry!

I'm getting married at the end of the month, it's all being arranged very quickly. The original plan was to invite both sets of parents, DP's brother & my sister, and have a very small ceremony/lunch afterwards. DP & I are paying for it ourselves. Now my DM is saying we 'have' to invite my brother, so his DD can be a bridesmaid. (She has also decided she will be paying for lunch too).

Now to me, a wedding is a celebration of love, and I want people there who DP & I love, and who love us. DBro doesn't fit into those categories. Ever since DP & I first got together he has variously stirred, caused trouble, ignored us, spread rumours about us that resulted in our being ostracised from our group of friends, and generally been vile to and about us. However all through this he has been my DParents blue eyed boy, although he has stopped speaking to them for years, in the past, as well.

Also if DNiece is there, DM & DF will ignore everyone else, including my DSis' children, to spend the day fawning over her (voice of bitter experience). I want this to be our day, mine & DP's, SO, WIBU not to invite Dbro & if so, how do I tell him I'm getting wed but that I don't want him there without causing a row?

Long - sorry, well done if you got this far

OP posts:

scarletfingernail · 05/02/2012 12:43

Stand your ground. If your parents threaten you with their non-attendence in the absence of your brother's invite, call their bluff. I'm sure when it comes down to it they will still attend, they're just trying to make you back down. How would they explain to other people why they have chosen not to go to their daughter's wedding?

I had a similar situation with my own wedding. Not a sibling, but a close relative where I invited their spouse but not them (long story). Their spouse told me they didn't feel they could come unless I invited their partner. I said I was very sorry they felt that way and I was sorry for the situation, but that I felt very strongly that I would not change my mind and that I hoped that they would come still. They did. It was horrible, but I knew my wedding would be ruined for everyone if this person attended.

Thank your Mum for offering to pay, but explain that you would prefer to pay for it all yourself to ensure you have the day you want and the people you want.

Whether your brother is there or not, it's going to cause you grief. Best to get the grief from him not going than going by the sounds of it.

RuleBritannia · 05/02/2012 12:57

This goes on all over the place. I had not spojken to my notDS for years. My DM wanted her and her H to be invited to my wedding. I gave in because DM was still vulnerable after my DF's death 5 months earlier. At the party afterwards, my notDS saw a cousin whom she didn't like, was cross that I'd invited her so walked out after half an hour. Well, she'd wasted her own money on transport and hotel costs. It was my and DH's wedding, DM got her way and, in a way, I got mine.

LydiaWickham · 05/02/2012 13:28

BTW - If I was you, I'd tell 'd'Bro - he needs to know the wedding is happening and he's not invited, you don't want him being told by your DM that he's invited anyway and him turning up....

Almostfifty · 05/02/2012 13:39

This kind of thing is the reason no family were at my wedding.

Just be firm, it's your day and tell them to stop right now, you're not going to change your mind. If they don't want to come, then that's their decision.

RandomMess · 05/02/2012 13:46

TBH I don't think you will enjoy your day with them there anyway so pay for the day yourself send them an invite and let them decline! got any close friends you'd rather have there instead.

Mummy2FE · 05/02/2012 13:50

Similar situation happened to us, except it was my now BIL who was the issue as opposed to my DB. Similar problems with BIL historically- causing divisions between friends, family by telling lies and being rude to me as a "newcomer". When we got married despite gut instinct about not inviting BIL, we did- even making him an Usher out of respect for PIL's who were financially contributing to the wedding and wanted him to not only be invited but involved in the day too. We spoke very little to him on the day though.

Fast forward 2 years and now BIL is getting married. Since our wedding we have had limited contact with him other than family parties, but when we have seen him it has all been polite and civil. Now BIL is getting married, my DH, DD and myself are not invited to his big day since he does not feel we are close enough to him. PIL's paying towards his wedding too but regardless of their thoughts on the matter we are still not invited. My PIL's have accepted this reluctantly and we will not be going. This has upset my DH a lot, not only since he feels excluded, but also because it would seem PIL's have just given in to BIL (which they always tend to do generally to avoid him 'kicking off' as the most apt description).

With the benefit of hindsight I would say go with your gut feeling. It may make you even more unpopular with your DB, but it doesn't always pay to be the 'bigger person' or rise above things. In my experience others do not always seek to behave the same way and it can sometimes leave you with a pretty bitter taste in your mouth.

Congratulations on your big day, I hope you really enjoy yourself whatever decisions you make.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/02/2012 14:27

"They will sulk, & if they do attend, I'm under no illusion that they will do anything other than refuse to be sociable and sit round with faces like slapped arses. (DSis told me last night that at her wedding (there was similar fuss but I won't go into the long & boring back story) the parents went round being insulting about DSis new DH to all her friends at her reception "

"Tadlow I want my parents there because, well, they're my parents, and while they can be awful I still love them, and they're elderly, and I don't want to fall out with them at this stage of our lives as I would never be able to forgive myself. Plus, I'm the youngest child and closest to them because of it, they've been very good to both me & DP in the past above and beyond what you'd expect parents to do."
I am struggling to reconcile this with your earlier comments, I really am. Their behaviour towards their daughter (your sister), on her wedding day, a day that everyone wants to remember fondly, beggars belief. What on earth can they have done for you and your DP that outweighs such outrageous behaviour? Because I'm starting to wonder if it was really that great; or if they've got you a little bit brainwashed to be grateful for any crumbs they throw your way.

lalabaloo · 05/02/2012 14:57

Don't be steamrollered into having people there that you don't want, tell your mum you don't want her to pay if she insists on calling the shots because she is paying. It's tough, but it is your wedding. MIL didn't attend our wedding because we didn't do it her way, it was hard but we stood our ground and it was her decision not to come, I don't regret it at all

RuleBritannia · 05/02/2012 15:06

lalabaloo

Does your MiL regret not attending your wedding?

wafflingworrier · 05/02/2012 16:54

seriously DON'T DOOOON'T invite him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!aaargh!!!
just don't and stop worrying.
We did loads of things differently to what we would have wanted because my parents helped pay towards our wedding (like invite a load of their friends that we didn't even KNOW. who got our names wrong on the cards to us. WTF?!?) and now whenever I look at the photos I think I WISH I had been more outspoken (and less of a cheapskate!).

Your parents want him to come because they want you to get along again. this is not the occasion to try and resolve any issues you have, it is a day to celebrate you and your partner. Please do what is right for you or you will look back on your wedding filled with regret. :(

Original poster

NiceDayForAWhiteWedding · 05/02/2012 21:08

Well. I had a call. Apparently after being 'so happy' when we told them, there is now nothing to be happy about. They might be there. They might not. It might snow, in which case no one will bother going, and in case they're dead by then did I know where the wills were?

OP posts:

RandomMess · 05/02/2012 21:16

What complete emotional blackmail crock of shit.

Get on with your married life with your lovely dsis.

Matches · 05/02/2012 21:19

Oh luvvie

And what Random said

Remember, it is THEM who are missing out, and ultimately putting your DB and their own need to wield power over your wedding day

Matches · 05/02/2012 21:19

Oh, and take lots of photos
And send them the ones where you looking blissfully happy and loved

RandomMess · 05/02/2012 21:22

I wish I hadn't invited my parents, I did so not to offend (we are virtually no contact) but they decided to come.

We had no family or group photos, no speeches, no sitting plan nothing like that because of it.

MrsChemist · 05/02/2012 21:33

So sorry they aren't being more supportive
They need telling that they shouldn't be angry at you, they should be angry at DB for him being such a steaming turd.

tribpot · 05/02/2012 22:05

What utter bullshit. So if your brother is invited, it won't snow and they won't die? OP, I really think they are going to make a tremendous fuss whatever you do now, just as they did at your sister's wedding. I think your best approach is probably to plough cheerfully on, plan the wedding assuming they will be there and your brother won't be; make it clear they are welcome to attend but not to dictate the order of the day.

And, as it's important to you that they do attend, I hope they do. Myself, I would tell them you don't want your wedding day marred by tension and it would be easier if they declined.

TadlowDogIncident · 05/02/2012 22:07

Oh, OP, I'm so sorry.

What does your DP feel about all this? Like tribpot, since you want them there I hope they discover their manners and attend and behave decently, but it doesn't sound as though they'd really be a great loss if they didn't come.

ifeelloved · 05/02/2012 22:58

Oh dear, what manipulative shits they are.

Treat them as you would a child, don't give in otherwise they will think that every time they want you to do something this is all they have to do.

Have a fab wedding day with the people you care about and who care about you. Stuff the rest of them.

My natural father didn't come to my wedding, neither did his children. It caused huge problems but it was my wedding and I wasn't going to not invite friends so the wanker and his children could come. It did blow over - though I don't think I've ever been forgiven, but I don't give a shit, I did the right thing for me and dh

VerbalBehaviour · 05/02/2012 23:41

Think they will turn up any way and look like sour lemons, based on past experience of Dsis. They wouldn't be so kind to stay away so you can have a wedding surrounded by people who only are delighted for you both.

Have you got a strategy for dealing with them? Suggest being completely oblivious to their sulk or find them jolly amusing

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/02/2012 00:51

OP, I truly think it would be best if you could bring yourself to not want them to be there. I don't think they deserve your affection, and I do think their presence will bring nothing but negativity to the proceedings. You deserve better than that. Far better.

I would seriously consider moving the date too, and then proceeding with your wedding surrounded by only those who love you. This would remove the uncertainty they have selfishly introduced, hanging over your head. Shame on them for attempting to ruin your wedding, shame on them!

scarletfingernail · 06/02/2012 11:59

Sorry NiceDay you're having such a hard time of it.

Does this in any way now make it easier for you to stick to your guns? I think it would me as I'd be so angry at my parents trying to blackmail me like that.

I know they've said some truly horrible things that have no doubt made you feel rubbish, but at the same time it's proven that you're doing the right thing by standing your ground. If you give in now, it will completely make them think it's ok for them to blackmail you. As someone else said above, your brother being there or not will have no impact on the weather and whether your parents are alive or not, so a ridiculous thing to say, as I'm sure you know.

It's your DP's wedding too, he and his family also deserve to have a lovely day that isn't ruined by an unwanted guest. Any further conversations with your parents regarding this need to be kept short by you saying, "We'd like you to come, if you can be happy for us. We're definitely not inviting brother and that really is the end of it."

Original poster

NiceDayForAWhiteWedding · 06/02/2012 12:41

While I was weepy and sad last night, luckily this morning I've tapped into the fury, how dare they try and pull this stunt? Not going to engage with them anymore on the subject, as suggested - what's that saying you see on here often? 'No' is a complete sentence? That's my new mantra for dealing with them.

Thanks everyone, it has helped a lot knowing I'm not being completely unreasonable in wanting my wedding, my way, and that people agree with me, when I've had to speak to the parents!

OP posts:

ifeelloved · 06/02/2012 14:03

Good for you. Hope you are able to stay strong and get the right result for you and your dp

ZillionChocolate · 07/02/2012 22:35

What ifeelloved said.

Flip

1 2 3 4