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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be utterly frustrated that DH NEVER EVER wants to have sex...

89 replies

chocolategateaudeluxe · 02/02/2012 09:13

We?ve been together for 9 years, are in our 30s, 2 DCs. We are in a relationship that can be described as happy and we are both healthy. Friends always comment how loved up we always look...

DH has never been a very sexual person, more the ?cuddly? type, but over the last 3-4 years the amount of sex we have has gone down to about once (!!!) a year, and always on my initiative.

I?ve tried leaving him alone for months, but it makes no difference. He has no sex drive whatsoever and has ?even? stopped masturbating (so it?s not just in relation to me).

After a lot of nagging he agreed to go to GP to rule out any medical reasons ?turns out he?s in perfect health and his testosterone levels are normal, too.

DH takes good care of himself, eats healthily and exercises 5 times a week. He is not stressed at work. He is also not gay.

He does not react to any kind of visual sexual stimulation, from seeing me naked to watching pornography (which he finds ?silly? just like sexy underwear) so I can?t ?spice? things up because he doesn?t react to anything.

I said the next step will have to be counselling because I can not have this for the rest of our married lives. In view of the costs and time, DH said he?ll try to ?do the deed? twice a month (the minimum I?d be happy with). But here we are again, DH refusing 4 days in a row because of some minor arguments we had a few days ago (about this topic)...

And even if he did managed to ?sacrifice? himself, it would be nice if it wasn?t just persuasion but some passion on his own initiative...

All I?m asking is for 2 shags a month (5-10 minutes) - no foreplay, just plain sex. How can any man find that such a burdin...? I mean, even if you?re not in the mood, cuddling and kissing usually helps... (I certainly never refused even when I was pregnant with DC1 and throwing up 10 x a day!).

I get a reasonable amount of attention from other men, this makes it even harder, but I don't want to sleep with anybody else. This is so frustrating, I feel like a freak for wanting sex.

What can I do???

OP posts:
SaraBellumHertz · 02/02/2012 09:17

You need counseling.

It is not reasonable to have to go without sex when you want it.

It is not reasonable to expect your husband to have sex when he doesn't.

If you can't sort this out then I assume it means the end of your marriage? Is he aware of this?

mojitomania · 02/02/2012 11:39

OP it does sound like your DH would benefit from councilling, I say this due to you writing that he finds anything to do with sex "silly", which may indicate something happening in his childhood/early adolescence to make him feel this way.

If there isn't anything wrong at all and he just doesn't want sex then he needs to be made aware that this isn't what you want from a relationship and take it from there,which, could therefore be the end.

I personally wouldn't settle for a no sex partnership.

Whatmeworry · 02/02/2012 11:44

(Heresy alert) This is what affairs are designed for.....

MeltedChocolate · 02/02/2012 11:47

I feel sorry for you Op but adultery is not the way!

Agreed completely with mojito

thisisyesterday · 02/02/2012 11:50

are you SURE he isn't gay?
i mean, he doesn't get turned on at all by seeing you naked or anything like that? that is very, very unusual I would think

i would be going down the counselling route for sure.

Wretched · 02/02/2012 11:59

Hi op, I feel for you, my DH suffers from periods of low sex drive. It comes and goes, pardon the pun. It is always made 100 times worse by me making any mention of it. Or trying to rectify it in any way. It is incredibly frustrating because I love sex and would like a lot more of it usually (not right now though, have just had a baby!) . He just hates to be tackled on the subject and usually begins to make advances again in his own time if left alone. I feel a bit useless though and powerless to do anything to improve the situation and it does make me sad.

I don't have any advice, but will watch with interest to see if anyone else does.

dementedma · 02/02/2012 12:02

swap you?
Mine won't leave me in bloody peace and I would be quite happy never to ahve to have sex agina!

dementedma · 02/02/2012 12:02

again Grin

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 02/02/2012 12:11

For me no sex would be a deal breaker. I couldn't stay in a relationship that was destined to remain sex-free. Equally, I couldn't be happy with having sex with someone when I knew they didn't really want it.

Have you talked to him about specialist counselling (sex therapy)? If his hormone levels are ok and he is genuinely not masturbating - sometimes people can become stuck into a habit that means they're not interested in any other orgasm - or gay then that's the only option I can think of.

If he's unwilling to go down that route or it doesn't help then you have to decide how you want to deal with it.

YonSeaCow · 02/02/2012 12:15

Hi! I posted about the same issue in relationships yesterday, seeing this as awful as it is (I know) made me feel like less of an alone person in a world of people having awesome sex lives. I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone, I am just at the stage of sending DH to the docs to test all is well. :(

YonSeaCow · 02/02/2012 12:16

oh, and YADNBU!

Lifeisquiteabsurd · 02/02/2012 12:24

As he has always had little interest in sex and is in good health is it possible he is asexual?

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squeakytoy · 02/02/2012 12:31

All I?m asking is for 2 shags a month (5-10 minutes) - no foreplay, just plain sex

:( not much of a relationship though... that is still unfair on you, because where is any fun in that... it just sounds so mechanical.. you could get more pleasure with a vibrator...

You say you never refused him, even when pregnant, so does that mean back then he was much more enthusiastic?

Something must have triggered the change in his sex drive..

Nesbo · 02/02/2012 12:50

Could it be anything to do with parenthood that is making him feel less sexual, either worries relating to it, fear of being disturbed by kids etc?

The problem with being a bloke is that you have to be pretty much 100% focused on it, if anything is playing on your mind the mechanics don't work, so you can't really just go through the motions very easily. Even if you start slowly, if he is aware he is not getting aroused that can then become something he starts stressing about and it becomes a vicious circle.

It does sound like something that needs to be addressed as it is making you unhappy, but I'm sure it is a source of anxiety for him too, only he is hoping it can be dealt with by avoidance and that clearly isn't a solution.

Ilovedaintynuts · 02/02/2012 13:01

Gosh it's painful to read that as it's the other way round in our relationship. My DH could have written your post.
It feels horrible not wanting to have sex. I fancy my DH but I would just rather be doing anything other than sex.
I go to all sorts of lengths to avoid it, even feigning sleep Sad
Have no advice but I understand it's horrible for you and your DH.

EirikurNoromaour · 02/02/2012 13:59

Those who don't want sex - do you/they not enjoy intimacy? Kissing? Cuddling? It is such a short leap from having a snog and a cuddle to some sexual contact, but even if you don't take that leap, the intimacy is maintained through the other contact. Sex serves two functions in a relatiosnhip, it meets a physical need and it also bonds. I don't believe a relationship can survive without the bonding element, and it seems a lot of sex starved partners don't get the intimacy at all, even leaving aside the sex aspect.

If my DH lost his ability/will to have penetrative sex I think I could manage with a vibrator if I still had the intimacy of kissing and cuddling. If I didn't get that, it would be curtains.

Nux · 02/02/2012 15:07

Where can you get this kind of counselling? Does anyone know how you access this kind of thing?

Original poster
chocolategateaudeluxe · 02/02/2012 16:07

Looks like councelling is the way to go though I don?t see how that will help: I don?t think there is anything wrong physically with him, or with our relationship in general, and focussing on intimacy (that?s what they will suggest, right?) - putting some candles on, massaging, romantic dinners etc. - still won?t put him ?in the mood?. Also, he is very reluctant, if not unwilling, to do consider councelling as he says we can sort it out ourselves (obviously not - he just refused another 4 days in a row over some minor argument which apparently put him off, also, I don?t want to ask 20 times for one ?yes?)

I am sure he's not gay. Though I thought he might be in the dating stage of our relationship as he wasn't as "eager" as other men, just cuddly, also very in tune with his emotions.

He definitely has not suffered any sort of abuse as a child. He comes from a loving family, had a sheltered upbringing. Personalitywise, he is warm, mature and happy in himself.

I considered he might be asexual, but he just gets cross when I suggest that... Also, there is a general interest in women (and past history of seeing women), it's just not very strong...

He says he's always had a low sex drive. He was very popular with girls and had lots of girl friends but only slept with very few, because sex was/isn't important to him. In the longer relationships he had, sex got significantly less after a year or so.

We use to have a normal, though not exiting, sex life, but with each child, HIS sex drive got less and less Hmm and now it's gone completly...

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolategateaudeluxe · 02/02/2012 16:08

"mentally". not "physically" (first paragraph).

OP posts:
mojitomania · 02/02/2012 16:17

Maybe a bit of councilling for you both then chocolate. Sounds like he could be A sexual.

Only suggest councilling because its a way for a non-involved person to help you both.

My take on it is:

He's either gay
Has a problem
A Sexual
Or doesn't fancy you any more

I'd want to know OP, if it was me.

carrotsandcelery · 02/02/2012 16:20

I am no expert on these things but I wonder what would happen if you took sex out of the equation altogether for a while and just made an effort to steal sneaky wee kisses and cuddles here and there throughout the day/evening. If you snuggled up in front of the tv etc but sex was not permitted. Would he relax into it a bit more if he knew the expectation of sex at the end of it was not on the agenda? Could you try to build up the flirtation and closeness without looking for sex? What I mean is the opposite of your current arrangement, so you could build to foreplay but sex is not allowed - sort of like the start of most relationships iykwim.

He might feel under less pressure to perform and feel closer to you that way and it might build up his desire a bit.

Personally I find the "cutting to the chase" of sex with no foreplay or fun involved really depressing and would rather have no sex but the closeness of the preamble.

I don't know if any of that is helpful but worth a thought maybe.

Whatmeworry · 02/02/2012 16:29

I recall a woman in virtually the same position reporting on MN that she had gone through the Counselling route (to no avail), so she then gave her DH a year to sort himself out or she was going to take matters into her own hands.

Though most people were aghast at this, I thought she may have come to the simplest solution - IMO no sex is a deal breaker, so the only question remaining is how long you put up with it.

trixie123 · 02/02/2012 16:30

em, well actually I think it is very unfortunate but can you imagine if the post was from a man, that his wife won't let him and he only wants her to put up with it twice a month? (and do you really want it under those circumstances? - is it even possible? A man can't exactly lie back and think of England can he?) Of course it is not unreasonable to want it but is it REALLY a deal breaker? Sorry, I just think its not so crucial that you'd need to break up a marriage with kids over it. Is there any chance he would consent to some form of open relationship if that was the only alternative to you leaving him?

Original poster
chocolategateaudeluxe · 02/02/2012 16:32

mojitomania

How do you find out though? He denies all options...

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolategateaudeluxe · 02/02/2012 16:35

trixie

He wouldn't consent to that, and although I must admit the thought has crossed my mind, I don't think I could do it... Everything would seem wrong - our family home, our shared bed, our children - those two worlds just wouldn't go together. It's all or nothing....

OP posts: