To be utterly frustrated that DH NEVER EVER wants to have sex...

[chocolategateaudeluxe]

We?ve been together for 9 years, are in our 30s, 2 DCs. We are in a relationship that can be described as happy and we are both healthy. Friends always comment how loved up we always look...

DH has never been a very sexual person, more the ?cuddly? type, but over the last 3-4 years the amount of sex we have has gone down to about once (!!!) a year, and always on my initiative.

I?ve tried leaving him alone for months, but it makes no difference. He has no sex drive whatsoever and has ?even? stopped masturbating (so it?s not just in relation to me).

After a lot of nagging he agreed to go to GP to rule out any medical reasons ?turns out he?s in perfect health and his testosterone levels are normal, too.

DH takes good care of himself, eats healthily and exercises 5 times a week. He is not stressed at work. He is also not gay.

He does not react to any kind of visual sexual stimulation, from seeing me naked to watching pornography (which he finds ?silly? just like sexy underwear) so I can?t ?spice? things up because he doesn?t react to anything.

I said the next step will have to be counselling because I can not have this for the rest of our married lives. In view of the costs and time, DH said he?ll try to ?do the deed? twice a month (the minimum I?d be happy with). But here we are again, DH refusing 4 days in a row because of some minor arguments we had a few days ago (about this topic)...

And even if he did managed to ?sacrifice? himself, it would be nice if it wasn?t just persuasion but some passion on his own initiative...

All I?m asking is for 2 shags a month (5-10 minutes) - no foreplay, just plain sex. How can any man find that such a burdin...? I mean, even if you?re not in the mood, cuddling and kissing usually helps... (I certainly never refused even when I was pregnant with DC1 and throwing up 10 x a day!).

I get a reasonable amount of attention from other men, this makes it even harder, but I don't want to sleep with anybody else. This is so frustrating, I feel like a freak for wanting sex.

What can I do???

OP - are we married to the same man?

When my dh and I first got together, it was obvious that our sex drives were mis-matched, mine being higher than his, but in the last few years his has virtually disappeared.
The longest we've gone without having sex together is just under 3 years. He's had the available tests, and they've all come back as normal.

He had a very sheltered upbringing where sex was concerned, and is very prudish. He doesn't like porn or masturbation - he considers them to be a form of unfaithfulness, and has issues with me having a higher sex drive. (Apparently that's abnormal in a woman )

Currently he is managing sex 2-3 times a month - and considers that to be a lot.

I wish I had some wise words for you - but you're not alone in this.

While I do not and never would advocate a person with a low libido forcing him/herself to engage in sex (with gritted teeth) just to placate a higher-libido partner, what always bemuses me is on what grounds someone with a very low or non-existent libido would object to their partner seeking sex outside the relationship. If you really don't want to have sex, what are you losing by your partner engaging in the activity with someone else?

My dh has had depression for last 4 years and our sex life is non existent. he previously was very affectionate, and we had an active sex life. Sometimes I want to have an affair, sometimes I want to leave; but he's my dh and I love him and I hope his mood 9and therefore libido) will recover over time.

No sex doesn't have to be a 'deal breaker' but it does affect a relationship massively.

sgb- whilst I think your position is logical, do you remember a thread a few weeks back fom a woman who did exactly that and her partner ended up getting emotionally invested in the other relationship. And there was scant sympathy for her IIRC. It was her own fault for not making an effort, for not 'fixing' herself. It seems to me that the MN position is that those who have a low sex drive simply don't deserve relationships.

I think some posters have a very simplified view of sex and relationships of they think 'getting it elsewhere' would be emotionally easy for either partner.

Anonymumous, he's not averse to the idea of another one, but he really does hate it hurting me when we have tried to do the deed. I think I'll just have to go back to the G.P. and start the cream process again.

yes orm and i think that lady was really ill too

Excellent post Hattytown

Imnotalonethen-Can I just suggest (and this is not meant to be facetious) a vibrator?
I had painful sex after childbirth (not straight after, but about 2 years after) and I got one, and it worked..

The gynae said that not having sex for a long time after having a baby had caused my stitches to sort of harden, rather than getting a limbering up, and she sugested a vibrator.
Also, get checked for lichen sclerosis as this can cause painful sex.

what are you losing by your partner engaging in the activity with someone else?

Very possibly, your entire relationship.

This statement presumes that everyone can have sex without emotional involvement. Some can, some can't - and that is regardless of gender. Also, some people really believe that they can have sex without experiencing a pull away from their established relationship, but find it impossible in practice, despite their best intentions. Sex is such a nuanced activity for many people and it's naive to assume that for everybody, it is no more than a biological urge to orgasm.

Hattytown I think your posts here are excellent.

SGB- I don't want to be unfaithful. I want only him to want me more. Yet most of the time he is oblivious to it or, if he does notice that I'm upset, says that I am being unreasonable and putting too much pressure on him. Other than this one issue, our relationship is good. He is an awesome father. I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

That said, if someone else decided to that, I could understand. It would break our relationship though.

hattytown agree with everybody else, excellent post! Are you a psycholigst or similar - your post sounds very clever and well-founded...

northernwreck completely agree that the sexual impulse is part of human nature, and that when it is completely missing, it is dysfunctional. It is like DH is denying me part of my basic needs. I wonder, how bad can sex once a month (with a partner you love) be? I do a lot of things I don't like - tidy up and clean, take kids to birthday parties etc., and not just once a month but every day, over and over...

TapirBackRider does sound like we've got the same husband apart from the fact that mine isn't prudish, in fact he is very tolerant, especially with regards to sexuality, each to their own he says... Maybe your DHs beliefs/morals are - in part - responsible for his low libido (sublimation?) but I can't find a reason for mines, that makes it even more frustrating...

NorthernGobshite If your DHs low libido is down to depression, there will be light at the end of the tunnel (depression comes and goes (?)), there will be better times. Frustration does seep into other areas of the relationship, but what's the alternative? I know, for definite, that having sex with someone else would pull me away from the relationship with DH...

I've been on both sides of this. Been married 6yrs and after the 1st year my husband went off sex. After questioning him the final answer he gave was he doesn't fancy me anymore. I felt hurt, angry etc. Really wanted at least a cuddle. Anyway we did go on to have a baby and then I found out he was addicted to porn and preferred this to actual sex it was when he went back to his addiction that we had stopped having sex(ie one ur after being married).
Now it's the other way round. He has stopped his addiction but I really don't feel like having sex anymore. Not with him and not with anybody else either. No I'm not punishing him if that's what ur thinking. I find it a bit painful as well. I love him but I don't get turned on by kissing, touching etc. Infact if he starts to touch me I kind of freeze because I don't want it to lead to sex. Our marriage otherwise is fine in my opinion. We enjoy time together, chatting and so on and have a wonderful dd who is now nearly 4. We have sex on average about once every 2 months but I know my husband would like it more.