To be utterly frustrated that DH NEVER EVER wants to have sex...

[chocolategateaudeluxe]

We?ve been together for 9 years, are in our 30s, 2 DCs. We are in a relationship that can be described as happy and we are both healthy. Friends always comment how loved up we always look...

DH has never been a very sexual person, more the ?cuddly? type, but over the last 3-4 years the amount of sex we have has gone down to about once (!!!) a year, and always on my initiative.

I?ve tried leaving him alone for months, but it makes no difference. He has no sex drive whatsoever and has ?even? stopped masturbating (so it?s not just in relation to me).

After a lot of nagging he agreed to go to GP to rule out any medical reasons ?turns out he?s in perfect health and his testosterone levels are normal, too.

DH takes good care of himself, eats healthily and exercises 5 times a week. He is not stressed at work. He is also not gay.

He does not react to any kind of visual sexual stimulation, from seeing me naked to watching pornography (which he finds ?silly? just like sexy underwear) so I can?t ?spice? things up because he doesn?t react to anything.

I said the next step will have to be counselling because I can not have this for the rest of our married lives. In view of the costs and time, DH said he?ll try to ?do the deed? twice a month (the minimum I?d be happy with). But here we are again, DH refusing 4 days in a row because of some minor arguments we had a few days ago (about this topic)...

And even if he did managed to ?sacrifice? himself, it would be nice if it wasn?t just persuasion but some passion on his own initiative...

All I?m asking is for 2 shags a month (5-10 minutes) - no foreplay, just plain sex. How can any man find that such a burdin...? I mean, even if you?re not in the mood, cuddling and kissing usually helps... (I certainly never refused even when I was pregnant with DC1 and throwing up 10 x a day!).

I get a reasonable amount of attention from other men, this makes it even harder, but I don't want to sleep with anybody else. This is so frustrating, I feel like a freak for wanting sex.

What can I do???

No advice, but sympathy. I'm in the same position. We haven't had sex for about 2 years now - we've attempted it about 5 times (since the birth of twins) but it has become painful for me and he says he doesn't like hurting me, which I totally understand.

However, he nagged me to go to the doctors (which I did), they gave me some cream and said we had to give it a whirl to see whether the cream would solve it or whether it was something else. That was at the start of December. I explained the importance of us 'having a go' to him, but he just says that he's too tired - in his defence, he is working long hours and getting up early to go running before work.

We were never great before the twins, but he stopped wanting to have sex when I was about 4 months gone, because he just wasn't comfortable with it. He also doesn't like kissing, so the whole intimacy thing seems to have totally drifted away from us. Like the OP, I KNOW that he is not gay or having an affair, he just has a low libido, which now seems to have disappeared entirely.

Whenever I try to initiate something (which isn't often anymore) I get knocked back, which doesn't do my ego any favours. I have no idea what to do next, so I'm interested in how people respond to the O.P.

yeah... he occasionally offers a hand job, which would be okay if we had sex as well sometimes. That way, it just seems like a lazy way out so I'm quite put off by it actually...

He says once we are having sex it is "okay" - I don't get why that first step, just being open minded and seeing what happens, is such a big deal... (he usually starts jocking when anything is starting to go in that direction, like "oh, don't give me that look, let's be just be friendly..."

Imnotalonethen So what are you going to do? Has your DP gone to the GPs? I mean he nagged you to go when you had problems, I think you should make him go this time... You might be lucky and just be low testosterone levels...

My DP doesn't like kssing either, by that I mean "intimate" kissing (tongue)... But we kiss loads in a "friendly" way, you know like you would kiss your DCs when they are little. He loves that and we do it constantly, more than any other couple I know. That's why we look loved up to everybody else, if only they knew...

To people who say "I would end it if I was in a sexless marriage/relationship" I wonder if they have ever ended it over that before.

I always thought I would too as I have a high sex drive but now I'm here, it's not so easy to leave over sex. It feels like it's not a big enough deal to end it.

Resentment will seep into other areas of the relationship though. I'm sure I'm more snappy due to frustration/rejection so we argue then don't have sex - vicious circle

I really feel for you OP. I have been in a relationship with a man whose interest in sex was practically zero and it is deeply depressing and makes you feel shit, especially when the common wisdom is that all men are sex maniacs and can't resist a naked woman.

It is perfectly possible for men to be not that interested in sex. There are thousands of women who aren't and nobody says to their husbands "she must be gay or a pervert" do they? In fact I have a good friend who is gay and generally dates much older men as he is really just not that bothered about sex and their lower libido suits him better.

That's why it's so bloody hard, it makes you feel like a freak, because men can't resist sex so it must be something to do with you.

My ex is now with someone I have known for years. I know she is not very interested in sex either as she broke up with another friend of mine over their mismatched libidos.

I think your DH is being selfish refusing counselling. I don't see why he thinks it's acceptable to reject you constantly but not seek any counselling over it. I think you should go alone if he really won't try counselling, you need some support to work out what you want to do.

There is a myth that all men are gagging for it, and I'll admit I bought into that too, because in previous relationships, for me, that was the case. Until I met DH that is.

Lack of sex can seriously impact on your relationship, I found that to be the case for me anyway. i.e. why doesn't he want me? what's wrong with me?

Fortunately he listened when I pointed out how difficult I was finding it.

I think maybe you must just accept that he has a low sex drive, and then decide whether it's something that you can live with, or whether it's a dealbreaker.

I totally lost interest in a partner, and could only have sex with him while drunk.
I didn't fancy him anymore.
Maybe he just really doesn't fancy you anymore. In which case, there is nothing you can do about it.

imnotalonethen: I think you need to go back to the doctors about the painful sex.
I know you are not really doing it now, but painful sex can be an indicator of many things, and shouldnt be overlooked.

Northern While your point is valid, that is a very harsh way of putting it!

It's also the first conclusion that you jump to - so I am sure the OP has explored this avenue already.

I didn't mean it to be harsh!
I remember a boy once dumped me because he said "I don't fancy you anymore", and although I was upset, I knew there was bugger all I could do about it.
In actual fact, knowing that made the hurt go away quicker. Like pulling off a plaster really fast.
It happens. Maybe OP has thought it, and her DH (possibly trying to spare her feelings) has said it's not that. Even if it is.

When I was dating DH, he decided that we should stop having sex because we were still living with our parents which made it awkward anyway, and we were both terrified every month that I would get pregnant - it didn't seem worth the hassle. I agreed, and we ended up not 'doing it' at all for two and a half years before we got married. Once we got married, it turned out that he still wasn't particularly interested. For a while I did keep trying and getting rejected and upset. Then eventually I realised that I wasn't getting upset because I particularly wanted sex myself. I was getting upset because I kept reading stupid magazine articles and advice columns that said if your man didn't want sex then he a) doesn't love you, b) doesn't fancy you, c) is sleeping with someone else or d) must be gay and your relationship is a) doomed, b) pointless and platonic, c) miserable and worthless or d) loveless.

My DH is a lovely, cuddly, tactile man, who is as kind, compassionate, considerate and lovely as anyone could wish for. I have never, ever doubted that he loves me. I know he fancies me - he's always groping me and telling me so! I know that he would never be unfaithful in a million years. He is an absolute diamond. Once I stopped reading stupid magazines and started to judge my marriage based on how happy we were together instead of society's criteria on how often we were having sex, we were fine. I stopped taking his rejection personally, and we just got on with being happy doing other things.

These days, ironically, he has more sex drive than me! We still don't like 'doing it' though - I just 'lend a hand' when he's feeling up for it. It may be the 'lazy way out', but what's wrong with that? You get your fun, he gets it over with, everyone's happy! What's so great about sleeping in a wet patch, anyway?

Salmonskinroll - I agree with you, it's not so easy to leave just because you no longer have sex. Resentment does creep into the relationship and you become less tolerant. I haven't had sex with my wife since our son was conceived, he turned 4 just over three months ago, so that's about 5 years. My wife refuses to talk about it, I've suggested counselling but there is always an excuse not to go, she is to busy (charity work) or there is no-one who could look after our son (both sets of parents have sadly passed away) etc, so it sits like an elephant in the room.
Is the no sex a deal breaker, I'm undecided, sometimes I think it is, then I look at my son and think I don't want to be a NRP, I want to be there everyday to watch him grow up, and that living in a sexless marriage is a small price to pay to see that.
Is the grass greener on the other side, maybe, but life experience says probably not.

BADLYDRAWN your wife is being INCREDIBLY awful about this, in that she is refusing to investigate the issue. I feel for you, I really do

Northern I'm glad you weren't really being harsh!

Nice to hear of some people in similar situations who haven't broken up with their partners (Anonymumous & badlydrawn)...

Anonymumous If I went by what the magazines say, I'd want sex twice a week, but going only by what I want, and I want only, it is still twice a month... I didn't mind being sexless after DC2 was born, unfortunately (or not?) this was only temporary and my libido has crept back up thank God not to thw pre-children/early twenties state!!!

YonSea - I have to admit I've got to the point where I just don't bring it up anymore, In all other respects we have a good marriage, we get on very well, we don't argue, she is a great mother, we do a lot of family activities, have a comfortable life.
Having read quite a few of the threads on MN, I recocognise that there is an element of controlling behaviour in the way that things are manipulated by her, and worry that if I were to leave, access to my son would be made difficult. I don't want to paint her as a awful woman, because she is not, she just has a issue with sex, which I'm sure in part relates to the traumatic birth of our son, which she simply isn't ready deal with.
There's a lot more I could say on the subject, however I don't want to hijack the OP's thread.

Badly Drawn and chocgateau and others in this situation. I am in this situation too. We have a support thread going on the Off the Beaten Track board. Just click on more under aibu. It is headed attention affection and appreciation. you are welcome to join us if you wish.
I did try to pm you about this last night chocgateau but for some reason it didnt work.

I just think that it's always better to stare the Devil straight in the face that's all.Sorry if that seems harsh, but there it is.

If OPs DH doesn't fancy her, and she knows that then she can move on, and decide what to do based on the actual facts.

Where she is now-unsure why this is the case, is worse imo.
I am not saying she shouldn't choose to be in a platonic marriage, if that is the best thing for them.

Personally I think it would destroy my self esteem, and be a waste of my Prime! (In my thirties I want sex ALL THE TIME!) but thats me and everybody is different.

I also think your wife is being really unfair badlydrawn. If I ever was in that situation again, I wouldn't just ignore it and hope that it goes away.

Chocolate, I'm not sure what I'm going to do!

I'm certainly not thinking of leaving him - he is wonderful in every other way. To be honest, I think I would probably just ignore the whole thing if I wasn't thinking that I'd like another child... Rather difficult under the current circumstances

I was oddly relieved to hear about your husband's dislike of intimate kissing, as that's exactly the same here - and I really did think that there wouldn't be many people in the same position. Sorry, that doesn't help you in any way though.

Northern Wreck, I'm pretty sure that I will have to go back to the doctors, but I need to have something to report - unfortunately I/we totally failed the late night homework part after my last visit. I applied the cream, but we never did rest!

Sorry, the rest!

YANBU

It's very demoralizing. Whilst not in exactly the same situation yourself, for most of last year, we only made love about once every ten days and nearly always on my initiative. Then DH accepted a job from within his company to Hong Kong and we visited in September of last year. I think we only made love twice in a four week period. It was a bit better when he came to visit at Christmas but I think that's because he was off work. I would make live everyday but he'd often turn me down ( occasionally I would too) saying that he had a big day tomorrow.I know it's related to his work but at one stage it was really making me teary and miserable. I feel less badly when he's not around as I don't feel rejected IYKWIM? We were both highly .. Hmm... sexed when we met when I was nineteen (now 35) and I'm about ten pounds heavier than I was then, still do a lot of dancing (flamenco) but I think it's just that he isn't interested :(

There is a massive and hugely oppressive culture in society that men want sex in a way that women do not. It works against men and women and affects others' responses to this issue. If a man doesn't fit the stereotype, he is made to feel 'less of a man' and his partner, 'less of a woman'. When the sexes are reversed and a woman doesn't want sex as much or even at all, men don't tend to feel 'less of a man' because of it and their reluctant partners don't feel 'less womanly' because they don't want sex.

This is a societal construct that has no basis in science and it is all about conditioning and expectations that people will behave according to their gender and not as the individuals they are, with different wants and needs. So I'd recognise this is if I were you OP and just concentrate on your personal needs and how you feel as an individual and not as a woman.

Posts that suggest having an affair or reducing this to your 'right' to have sex outside your marriage, fail to acknowledge the complexities of human relationships and individuals' personal integrity. Many people don't want to become liars and deceivers in the quest to get their sexual needs met and are not so naive to think that even having an 'honest' one-sided open relationship would solve the problem, or could be achieved without other emotions coming into play.

OP it is up to you to decide how important sex is to you as an individual and whether the other needs that are being met in your marriage are sufficient to keep you there. It wouldn't be wrong of you to decide that for you personally, sex is too important to live without. Just as it wouldn't be wrong if you decided that the other qualities this relationship brings, are more important. Once you reframe this as an active choice you are making, it reduces the tendency to see yourself as a 'victim' of a sexless marriage.

Equally, your partner needs to understand his stance as being an active choice. He is not wrong for not wanting sex and shouldn't feel pressurised to have it, but that choice might have consequences. As long as you are both honest about those consequences and negotiate accordingly and regularly review the choices you have agreed, it can stop the cycle of resentment, victimisation and punishment that often happens when people hide their choices and get bogged down with what society 'expects' of men and women.

Yeeees....it's not "wrong" to not want sex, but to never want sex is actually quite strange.
We are not talking about once a month here. It's once a year, or less, under sufference.
If a woman had no sex drive I would think that would be abnormal and was a problem in a relationship, so it's not about thinking that men have to be rampaging sex beasts.
It's just that the sexual impulse is part of human nature, and so when it is completely missing, this is dysfunctional.

Quote: "I'm certainly not thinking of leaving him - he is wonderful in every other way. To be honest, I think I would probably just ignore the whole thing if I wasn't thinking that I'd like another child... Rather difficult under the current circumstances."

Does HE want another child? He's not just avoiding you for fear that you might 'accidentally' get pregnant, is he?

DH and I managed to get it together once a month when we were trying for a baby. OK, so it took 18 months and there was a lot of moaning and groaning (of the "Oh no, not again!" variety, before you ask!) but we got there in the end. He wanted the baby as much as I did, so he just got on with it and did what had to be done. I'm sure your DH would do the same if he wanted another baby as well - there is at least some point to it all if you are trying for a baby.

chocolate, I agree he sounds asexual. Counselling might help him identify this but it won't fundamentally change him. It could help you both work out a compromise/way of dealing with it to keep the relationship going.

As Hattytown said, decide how important it is to you. You wouldn't be wrong if you wanted to move on.