To be utterly frustrated that DH NEVER EVER wants to have sex...

[chocolategateaudeluxe]

We?ve been together for 9 years, are in our 30s, 2 DCs. We are in a relationship that can be described as happy and we are both healthy. Friends always comment how loved up we always look...

DH has never been a very sexual person, more the ?cuddly? type, but over the last 3-4 years the amount of sex we have has gone down to about once (!!!) a year, and always on my initiative.

I?ve tried leaving him alone for months, but it makes no difference. He has no sex drive whatsoever and has ?even? stopped masturbating (so it?s not just in relation to me).

After a lot of nagging he agreed to go to GP to rule out any medical reasons ?turns out he?s in perfect health and his testosterone levels are normal, too.

DH takes good care of himself, eats healthily and exercises 5 times a week. He is not stressed at work. He is also not gay.

He does not react to any kind of visual sexual stimulation, from seeing me naked to watching pornography (which he finds ?silly? just like sexy underwear) so I can?t ?spice? things up because he doesn?t react to anything.

I said the next step will have to be counselling because I can not have this for the rest of our married lives. In view of the costs and time, DH said he?ll try to ?do the deed? twice a month (the minimum I?d be happy with). But here we are again, DH refusing 4 days in a row because of some minor arguments we had a few days ago (about this topic)...

And even if he did managed to ?sacrifice? himself, it would be nice if it wasn?t just persuasion but some passion on his own initiative...

All I?m asking is for 2 shags a month (5-10 minutes) - no foreplay, just plain sex. How can any man find that such a burdin...? I mean, even if you?re not in the mood, cuddling and kissing usually helps... (I certainly never refused even when I was pregnant with DC1 and throwing up 10 x a day!).

I get a reasonable amount of attention from other men, this makes it even harder, but I don't want to sleep with anybody else. This is so frustrating, I feel like a freak for wanting sex.

What can I do???

I really hope you both find a solution that works for you both.

BUT... if you don't then neither of you is unreasonable, and you can still be great parents (and friends) even if you're not together.

Must be so difficult for both of you. I can only echo others who've said that a timeline of finding a solution/compromise is important.

How would your DH feel if you went elsewhere purely for sex? Not saying that would be right but it would be interesting to find out whether the suggestion would come as a relief to him or fill him with horror. I'm not suggesting you want to do that either, as I'm sure its not JUST sex you're missing but sex with the man you love.

How would he feel if you withdrew the cuddles? That could be a case of cutting your nose off to spite your face, but I'm sure he wouldn't find that easy to live with.

Actually feel for you both. If you know for sure that you cannot live in a sexless marriage you have some very tough decisions to make.

OP I was with a man like this - went through all the possibilities and dismissed them one by one. He would make excuses like "I've got a full bladder" (!) and would happily go without sex for months. I think he was asexual and possibly ASD too. He later married and now has two children (not surprising since one of his other excuses was "Sex is for procreation" )
It was really, really difficult to live with and I did have flings. Just for the attention really. I once asked him how he'd feel if I had an affair and he said "Well, if its something you're not getting from me..."
Yes really.
I feel for you OP. Hope you find a solution.

chocolategateaudeluxe "I considered he might be asexual, but he just gets cross when I suggest that... Also, there is a general interest in women (and past history of seeing women), it's just not very strong..."

Having an interest in women does not mean he isn't asexual. It is the lack of interest in wanting to have sex that makes someone asexual. From AVEN:

[[http://www.asexuality.org/home/general.html "I have crushes on people. I think I sometimes fall in love. Does this mean I'm not asexual?

A good proportion of asexuals get crushes on others and fall in love. Emotional and romantic attraction are separate from sexual attraction. For some people they go together, but they are not necessarily connected.

Many asexuals talk about having a 'romance drive'. They need to be intimate with another special person, it's just that the intimacy they desire isn't sexual."]]

Sorry, I don't want to push this angle I just wanted to clear up that particular myth.

That's really interesting Lifeisquiteabsurd

I feel for you op, my DP doesn't have a high sex drive either, and like you said the mention of it makes it worse.

Someone has told me to try macca root powder to boost his libido, think I'll slip it in his horlicks before bed...

My husband has a low sex drive too... even when he was a horny teenager he couldn't manage meeting than twice a day and now he doesn't innitiate it meeting than once a week. He still always reacts to stimulous though... whether visual or physical. I would definitely be worried if he didn't... there are all sorts of things I could think of that would make a perfectly loving, normal in other respects man not find a normal sexual relationship enticing, I would be wanting him to have counselling as I would worry about other fetishes. To keep it lighthearted how about those that se 'into' balloons... there was a YouTube video of people rubbing balloons all over themselves... or those men who fancy their bike/car?

I think counselling sounds best. Try to find the root issue. At least you say he is affectionate and loving so that is a good start :-)

Sorry if I?m nit picking here but you did say that although his drive was always not high that it got worse after the birth of each child? Or did I misread/understand?

Is it a case of you are now A MOTHER therefore not to be viewed as a sexual person?

I mean even now I don?t like to think that my parents had sex for other than procreation, but as an adult I know they did, and from comments I can assume they had a happy sex life.

Is it an extreme non-violent Madonna/ Whore thing?

You are Mother therefore sex is bad.

Sorry I?m rambling a bit here

There is also the fact that the less you have sex the less you want it.

In our long relationship there have been times where we have been apart for several months (min 4 max 14 months) and personally after about 4 weeks or so I miss the closeness, the cuddles, the warmth of another body in the bed, but not the sex.
Well I do but I don?t crave it the way I do a hug??

Could it be that your OH is an extreme example of this?

You say he?s very cuddly; that friends see you as ?loved up? maybe he is getting all he needs from this?

Saying all that it doesn?t help you does it.?

I do honestly feel that if both parties are healthy, no actual impediment to having sex i.e.: psychological issues due to sexual abuse; pain; physical illness and I include tiredness in this, no emotional/domestic abuse or withholding sex as a punishment and there is still no sex in the relationship there is a responsibility on the relationship to seek help.

Shit I?ve tried to be so PC there not even I can understand what I?m saying.

Bluntly with no offence to anyone

If he has no physical issues and is not willing to explore the possibly of emotional issues and not willing to go to counselling, you need to have a serious chat.

BTW I?d say the same if it was a man posting.

Honestly? I would say he either a) has a fetish that is the only thing that gets him going or b) is Gay.

Many many men are married with kids, and gay.
The way you are living is no way to live. I can't imagine what it must be doing to your feelings of self worth.
Sure, try counselling, it won't hurt, but if he has always had a really low sex drive I am not sure it will help.
I am not sure about sexual abuse-ime of sexual abuse survivors, it may warp their perceptions of normal sex, but doesn't just switch off the sex drive completely.

Also, I willing to bet he does masturbate.

Of course he does

aldiwhore I know! Sexuality is a really interesting subject and there still needs far more research to be done on which is strange considering how much the topic and issues around it dominate our lives. Sexuality comes in so many different forms whether heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual or asexual. According to New Scientist the number of those who identify as asexual is close to the percentage of gay people in the population, which is around three percent. It is only in recent years that studies have really started to be done on this area of sexuality. All rather fascinating.

Ooops, sorry this is rather off topic but I've typed it now. Erm. Sorry OP, I'll go and do something productive like making dinner. Without setting the fire alarm off this evening. Again.

There is something he's not telling you.

Cant see how you can manufacture a sex drive, you either have one or you don't you either want it or you don't.

Its clear its not that important to him, he gets pleasure from other things.

Not ALL men masturbate! Same as not all women do. Some men prefer a woman to do it and don't touch themselves because it isn't the same. Sorry I don't buy the shit that men must masturbate!

God some of these responses are depressingly cliched!

You'll see a guy come on asking about his partners low sex drive and go away with reams of suggestions of things he needs to do to help make her feel more up for it.

You see a woman come on asking about her husband and the obvious suggestions are:

He's gay
He's a pervert (who probably only gets it up by rubbing off against balloons)
He has some even worse secret...

Seriously ladies, men are really not all that different from you. Not being permanently priapic does not make us freaks!

To be fair nesbo the OP did suggest, or in some cases directly say that she has tried lots of things; candles, sexy underwear, porn, cuddles, talking about it.

I do see your point that a man writing this would get a different response but I think people have tried to think of a variety of things the OP could do. I think from her description this is different to low libido, he seems to rather dislike sex. I agree I dont think he is masturbating. I find it annoying that people say he is.

I actually wonder whether the fantasy route might be good? He may not have a festish just an area that he likes but feels odd about discussing.

Also, seeing it from the 'we're all the same' point of view, I know when I dont want to (which is more often than my DP) its partly pressure - what if its not very good (we both feel a bit bad/guilty/worried), what if my body doesnt respond, etc. Over time I'm much better, have learnt that it doesnt really matter if its not earth shattering or if we stop part way through! But could he be worrying about something like this.

Isnt the 'no sex now your a mother' feeling fairly common? I thought I read it was. So thats 3 theories from me!

Well...i get where you are comin from nesbo, but I also agree that OP has tried different things to no avail.
Being pressured for sex in a relationship is a massive turn off-I know that in the past when I was in a realtionship with a man I just didn't fancy anymore I never wanted to do it, and his nagging would make it even worse.(I still mastubated though)
BUT sex once a year??
I feel a bit sorry for OP's husband as well, and am in no way saying he is a Bad Man.

He is being lazy, selfish and unkind. Whatever the reasons for his lack of libido, he is refusing to engage with you, refusing to acknowledge that you are unhappy, refusing to seek help. The bottom line is that he thinks his feelings are more important than yours.
How would he react if you said that you intended to look for sex outside the marriage? Because a person who really doesn't want to have sex and refuses to suggest any solution other than that their partner just 'controls him/herself' ie puts up with the situation forfeits the right to expect that partner to stay monogamous.

Nux - you can access sexual health type counselling at your local family planning clinic, there will be a waiting list, but it is free.

Massive double standards on this thread, as has been pointed out already. There are countless threads on here where the situation is reversed and they are all about how husbands must take the pressure off, do the housework, make the (female) poster feel good about herself. No one seems to be suggesting that here - it's all his fault!

chocgateau he refused you 4 days in a row because of a disagreement about this very subject. sorry but that smacks of control.

Thanks for your suggestions/theories!

Some I can rule out are the seeing-me-as-a-mother/madonna vs. whore thing, that's just not like him...

Also, he hasn't got a fetish. Like I said he hasn't got any sex drive - whether directed to women, men, objects or himself...

Going over the asexuality possibility again: I asked him if he had enjoyed sex in the early days. He said, yes, as it was all new and exciting. I asked him if he liked any certain sexual practices that we did, he said no, only that it was new... That made me feel really shit. But he said I shouldn't take it personally, as it's him not me. He hasn't got any sexual desire for any woman, so that "helps" in a way. But it also makes me feel helpless because I could strap myself naked to him and it wouldn't ignite any desire...

Fourth night in a row that I've hardly slept, he is very affectionate and cuddly (as usual), but that isn't helping because I want SEX. I've been going though options and possibilities but I'm just going round in circles...

DH is going to make another appointment with his GP (she was off sick) and says I should give him a month...

This has been going on for years, the longest we went without sex was 1,5 years. Did that make him miss it? No! I feel like I can't take this a day longer but there is no other option...

Even if he manages to have sex twice a month, I think we still should do councelling (GP might suggest it as there's nothing wrong with im physically)...

Oh fuckety fuck!

Massive double standards on this thread, as has been pointed out already. There are countless threads on here where the situation is reversed and they are all about how husbands must take the pressure off, do the housework, make the (female) poster feel good about herself. No one seems to be suggesting that here - it's all his fault!

'Twas ever thus. A man's place is in the wrong on MN :)

IMO no one gets the right to refuse sex without consequence, given no illness, newborn baby etc etc.

Actually, I posted about this same topic in relationships, and now have a book called "the sex starved wife" as a direct result of some advice. It's a book to help me understand where he is coming from and give some advice on how to help him rekindle his interest, and things I can do to help.

SO, not all advice is that he is a pervert/gay/whatever.

Does he ever offer to 'pleasure' you? That's what we do if one of us is up for it and the other just can't manage it. And quite often, it puts the other one in the mood anyway...