Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

parenting boys is different to all girls or mixed siblings

110 replies

captainbarnacle · 30/01/2012 10:15

(and not that old 'boys are like puppies' theory)

My dad and stepmum were down at the weekend. She is mum to DD1, DS1, DD2 (in their 30s) and I have 3DS (aged 5, 3 and 7m). My Dad was talking about how 'good' my sister and I were when we were small, and I was saying how young brothers seem (anecdotally) to be quite different to female siblings in terms of noise, boisterousness and generally Hard Work.

My stepmum (I have a lot of time for her) piped up that her three didnt behave 'like that' and - of course - she had a boy.

I stated that of course not all girls and boys are the same, but having 2 boys close in age has more of a fighting and noise effect than one boy sandwiched between girls. Then I thought I was just being over defensive, and STFU.

Am I wrong? Should I be expecting more from my two? They dont cause too much hassle - just dont sit still or eat all their food or sit quietly and do as they are told (no breaking toys or drawing on walls or climbing on furniture etc). They wrestle and answer back (but I deal with it). Or was SM looking back 30yrs with rosetinted glasses on and forgetting the enormity of 3 under 5s?

OP posts:
SmethwickBelle · 30/01/2012 12:42

I have two boys about two years apart (4 and 2) and I honestly think I have it harder than the mums of two girls of equivalent age. They are much louder, much more physical. This based on a zillion playtimes and playgroups observing the evidence. Grin I'm always the twat with the noisy child.

MrsHeffley · 30/01/2012 13:26

Entrophy boys and girls are different.They mature differently and have different brains.Kind of follows that many behave differently too. "Stricter with girls,curb wild behaviour" what a load of tosh! Some of us parent our dc exactly the same otherwise it would be entirely unfair.

grubbalo · 30/01/2012 13:31

Entropy - I would honestly have said the same thing until I had my 2 boys. They just are different to girls in how they behave and I think they do require different "handling". It has totally surprised me in all honesty.

SoupDragon · 30/01/2012 13:35

How would you know what is "normal" when you only have experience of your own children?

She may be right. I certainly don't remember the same level of bickering that my three get up to (DS, DS, DD) when I grew up (DS DS DD :o) and neither do my parents.

Iggly · 30/01/2012 13:36

I don't know if it truly is possible to parent each sibling the same - I'm only 8 weeks in with DD but I don't do things the same as I did with DS because I have a bit of experience under my belt.

So often you hear people say about ds, oh he's such a boy etc etc. Yes he plays with cars etc but that's because we've bought those toys for him, pointed out vehicles etc to him. He also likes to help us with cooking, cleaning, he loves drawing and role play but it takes effort to encourage those sides to him because they're more "girly". MIL does it - if we mention DS has been dressing up or helping with housework, she makes noises which imply that they're "girly" and he'll grow out of it Hmm yet if DD shows the same interests, they'll be inadvertently encouraged eg buying play food, toy kitchens etc etc.

entropygirl · 30/01/2012 13:39

So Grubbalo you didn't do the pink/blue things at all? You didn't do trains for boys dolls for girls? Maybe your boys and girls just happened to have different personalities...

Mrs Heffley Male and female babies have extraordinarily similar brains when born. The small differences that do exist between them do not correlate with any obvious behavioural differences.

Any difference at birth is microscopic in comparison to difference in the way they are treated during childhood. A simple application of Occam's razor would suggest that it is the conditioning post birth and not the birth differences that make the behaviour different by say age 7.

MrsHeffley · 30/01/2012 13:40

In my family 3 nearly the same age they've all been treated the same.All the kitchen stuff was bought for the boys as they came first.All toddlers should have kitchen play equipment.Dp does far more cleaning than I do anyway.

My parents would never pull a face over helping,I don't think most gparents would to be honest only those born in the dark ages.

MrsHeffley · 30/01/2012 13:40

Girls mature quicker-fact!

zukiecat · 30/01/2012 13:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

minitoot · 30/01/2012 13:43

I think it totally depends. I was a bossy big sister and my brother has always been very meek and good, but then the poor sod had no choice because I was so dominant. (We get on fine now!). I am expecting a boy in June and am very interested to see how that will turn out! :)

alemci · 30/01/2012 13:46

Yes, my DS is very different to my DD's. Maybe it is nurture but they are different.

entropygirl · 30/01/2012 13:51

In our antenatal gang, people seem embarrassed that my daughter is the biggest, strongest of the lot in spite of being one of the youngest and one of only two girls. People use words like big, strong, active as a complement to the boys only. My DD only gets complemented on her hand skills or her face.

All 8 mo are likely to poke each other but there is a real tangible difference in the attitude towards my DD doing it to one of the boys and vice versa.

I was intervening in my DD actually trying to pick up a baby boy a month older than her, and the mother mentioned that it was okay because 'when they are older her DS would be hitting my DD with sticks and pinching her dollies in revenge'. On the current evidence it is far more likely my DD will be hitting her DS with a stick and pinching his dollies.....but I suspect society will prevent that.

Unless you bring your kids up in a vacuum or such that noone they play with knows their sex then you are sucked just as surely into the stereotyping as everyone else.

What difference does buying them a kitchen make in the face of all that?

MorrisZapp · 30/01/2012 14:08

entropygirl, I don't agree that if you dressed babies the same and gave them the same toys they'd be gender-free.

I was raised by a hardline feminist (and my obedient dad, and later step dad!), who did all the gender-free stuff until we were old enough to influence our own clothes/ toys etc.

Result is my sister and I are 'typical girls' and my brother is a 'typical boy'.

My theory is that it is because we are girls and he is a boy.

RubyLovesMayMay · 30/01/2012 14:20

This is an interesting thread to read.

I have a DD who'll be 2 in March and am due to give birth with DS in April.

People tend to draw on their own experiences and then preach their rule as gospel, Ive found already.

My boy isnt even born yet and people have told me how he'll be because "thats boys for you" even though they are sometimes describing charateristics my DD has.

I also think that society has a big part on how people expect boys/girls to behave. I like to think it has more to do with the characteristics and temperament of the child.

grubbalo · 30/01/2012 14:32

You could be right Entropy. But the 3 dolls in the house belong to my sons (my DD is only 3 months old and hasn't been given one yet!) - one of my DS2's favourite game is "babies". They also have trains, cars, cooking equipment etc. They do wear a lot of blue, but tbh it's quite hard buying clothes for children that aren't "typical" colours as I'm sure you've discovered.

I do take your point though, and think it's probably easier for (most) boys today to play gently with a doll than as you say it is for a girl to be seen to be play fighting. Guess I'll wait and see what happens with DD - who I'm imagining will be made of tough stuff being the youngest (and I do mean because she's the youngest rather than because she's got 2 big brothers...)

MrsHeffley · 30/01/2012 14:43

Entrophy do you have any dc older than 8 months?

Original poster
captainbarnacle · 30/01/2012 14:44

Great responses, thanks. Am really interested in those of you which have suggested it may be personality playing a larger role Than gender. Stepmum is quieter and less expressive than myself. OH is also a v strong and physical presence (when he is here). So I am pretty sure that my three boys are bound to be noisier, more challenging and physical than stepmum's kids. It's in their nurture and their genes, as well as their hormones.

OP posts:
entropygirl · 30/01/2012 14:46

Morris lol at gender-free - Im pretty sure removing gender from your kids is illegal :)

As I said I don't think that you can do it all as a parent, I think the moment you turn on the radio/TV or go to nursery, people are undermining your ideals... but it would obvs be far worse to bring up your kid in a Faraday cage in the cellar.

Bewilderedmum · 30/01/2012 14:47

I was up at my mums a few weeks ago, with Ds1 (14) and Ds2 (8). My sister was there too.

The boys were bickering about something trivial, and a bit of pushing and shoving started. I gave them my 'mummy death stare', and they toned it down back to mild bickering..

Mum sat there and said "Eeeeh - lads eh? allus fighting - course - i'd only you and your sister, so no lads, so you forget that lads are rougher.." and smiled benignly..

My sister (our 'L') and I gazed at each other in astonishment. I blurt out

"But mum - what about when I punched our 'L' in the face, and broke her nose when I was 8? and that time our 'L' tried to fit me through the bathroom window when I was four, and when I gave one of her barbies a crew-cut, she pulled out a clump of mine, and it took WEEKS to grow back, and I ran over her feet on my chopper bike.... and...."

My sister is in fits of laughter, the boys have stopped their low level bickering and are now agog, no doubt saving up snippets to use in parental negotiations further down the line, and my mum - bless her, shifts furtively in her chair, and says "Aye - well - thats as mebbe..!" somewhat darkly...

So yeah! Us two girls were definitely worse than my two boys have ever been :o

entropygirl · 30/01/2012 14:48

MrsHeffly I wont get personal if you dont :) (also there is no 'h' in my name...I am not handing out trophies sadly).

NotnOtter · 30/01/2012 14:49

I have older children but also three boys under ten... They DO spend time colouring in quietly - hours of it. They don't really wrestle or fight but do play kitchens. I was brought up ( using those words loosely) as one of four girls and had the merry hell beaten out of me by my sisters. Kids are personalities not genders but all is good so long as they're happy.

NotnOtter · 30/01/2012 14:50

Entropy girl I LOVE your name!

sunshineandbooks · 30/01/2012 14:51

captainbarnacle - you might be interested in reading this and this which explains a lot about parental and societal influences on the gender of children.

aldiwhore · 30/01/2012 14:55

Every family dynamic is different regardless of gender, though gender can affect that dynamic in my opinion... though its not as clear cut as 'boys are toerags and girls are snidey' Wink

I have two boys, they're loud and boisterous but they know the boundaries, and when they cross them they are led firmly back to the acceptable 'zone'.

My best friend has two very quiet boys. So you'd think that if t was solely about gender both our boys would be the same wouldn't you? Not so at all.

If criticised its natural to be defensive. If you are not worried by your lively lads, and if they are happy, boisterous and also not feral, then all you have to do to 'justify' them is smile and say you love them the way they are.

sportsfanatic · 30/01/2012 14:56

What posters are describing is the difference between individuals - much of it is entirely unrelated to the sex of the individuals.

Most families will not have more than, say, 6 children. Whether or not that is 6 boys, 6 girls or a mixture that is not a large enough group to get any statistically meaningful result on behaviour. It may make for interesting anecdotes but that is all it is. It's similar to the way parents categorise their children e.g. "the clever one", "the quiet one" "the sporty one". Before you know where you are you have created a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I cannot believe this stereotyping is still going on in 2012.