AIBU to massively dislike DP'S PARENTS (a bit of a MIL thread sorry)

[allthatglittersisnotgold]

I've had some serious issues with my DP's parents for a while now. We visited over xmas for 2 days and tbh it was the most miserable experience.

I offered to make dinner on the first night whilst everyone relaxed, and she meddled in that, I even brought my own ingredients, forgot one certain ingredient, had a look in her cupboard and what i needed was out of date since 2008! I like to get all the fat from my mince, when I turned around she had poured it back in the pot!! For someone overweight she doesn't "cook" how I would expect a mother and woman of her age too. That's all fine-ish, on the last night we sat down to dinner and she started moaning about how I didn't know the price of milk and bread (I don't- I add it too my weekly shop and forget about it). How I leave the washing up over night, (me and DP both work long hours) told her we do it in the morning or next day, she seems to think that only her son works full time and that I am available all day for domestic duties. She also started giving me evils and her husband the eye because I didn't eat all my chcicken like I am a child and berating me for it. It's embarrassing and even my DP had a snap at her for being a bit rude. If I have someone over for dinner they can push their food around the plate for all I care, I have "offered" them this food to do what they like with.

DP and I offered to take the PILS and SIL out for dinner the 2nd night, to say thank you (as DP's dad has helped us a lot with our flat), she was like oh well I suppose if you like, probably won't get in anywhere!! Totally unenthusiastic- all she had to do was arrive there!! We would take care of everything!

When she has come over to our flat, she immediately starts washing my things up and cleaning without even checking with me. After x mas I sent her a card thanking her for my gift and "hospitality" and heard nothing from her, regarding my quite expensive gift to them. She spent the two days we were there staring at telly in kitchen drinking wine. It just shocks me that she had got no xmas food in at all, and I had to ask if I could make myself something to eat as I was so hungry at one point and was never offered anything.

It makes me sad/irritated as my own parents and mum in particular are so gracious and welcoming!!

Has she got terrible manners? Or a problem with me? Or am I reading too much into it?

Some of what you say = her being a bit rude, other bits are fine and you are seeing what you like because you've decided you don't like her.

Some people just expect family to get on with it in their home sounds like she's a bit like that. It's all a bit meh to me but them my MIL is something to behold.

he he, you make a valid point Bat, there are some hum dinger MIL's out there!

Sounds like perfectly normal intergenerational mother in law/daughter in law friction. A fact of life for many I'm afraid.

That said if she wants to come round my flat and start washing up, she is more than welcome.

Irritating I know, but not a reason to 'massively dislike' her.

So I really don't if you are being unreasonable or not.

(Picks fence splinters from bum)

I can't stand my Mil, so I was ready to say YANBU, becaue that's just the way it goes in my house.

But her having something out of date in her cupboard is a non event and really not worth holding against the mother of the person you love. Some of the stuff she does sounds annoying, but no more than that.

I would put it down to personal differences and leave it at that.

Most of it just sounds lije differences of opinion and attitude.

The last bit sounds like she's depressed.

Not everyone like other people digging around in their kitchen and not everyone likes being frog marched out to dinner. Have you tried asking what she'd like to do?

She washes up in your flat and you bring your own ingredients to her house...sounds like you've got a lot in common

The rest of it is a bit of a really

Sounds like you simply tolerate one another.

I think some people look for dramas that are not there...

There has to be more to it than this; I can see how these minor irritations would be extremely irritating on top of a load of others but in themselves they're not that bad.
But, since you have confessed you don't like her anyway, that would colour your feelings about her actions; and perhaps she knows that you don't like her so was a bit miffed at having to host you at her home? Or did they insist on it?

Pretend I'm her:
AIBU to feel my DiL hates me? - we invited my son and his wife to stay at Christmas, and she brought her own food to cook - is mine not good enough? Then she complained that I didn't have any of the one ingredient she forgot - maybe if she'd warned me she wanted to do her Jamie Oliver impression in my kitchen earlier I could have got the things she needed in for her. The next night, even cooking her food to her taste wasn't good enough so she insisted the whole famiyl go out for dinner. I had to get dressed up and go out in the cold when all I wanted was to put my feet up and watch a bit of Coronation Street. Is that she just doesn't like me? Is my cooking really that bad?

6 and two 3s I reckon.

6 and two 3s I reckon

Yep agreed.

Pom

Funny, but possibly true!

I totally agree that you sound as bad as each other.

My MIL drives me nuts when she washes up at my house, but that's mostly because we have a dishwasher, and because I am very funny about people cleaning my stuff (I have to hide the washing basket when she comes, too. I know it's weird but the thought of someone else than me washing my clothes grosses me out).

Anyway, my point was that I get annoyed at MIL quite a lot but most of it is because I am a control freak, not because she is a bad person ( she is a lovely woman, actually).

Maybe you could try and distance yourself from the situation a little bit and you'll find that she must have some redeeming features, and that sometimes you are BU :)

Sorry, I do think you probably are a bit U. What business is it of yours if her spices or whatnot are out of date?? As for leaving the washing up overnight, do you mean that she was giving out to you because somehow it came up that this is what you do at home, or did you seriously leave the washing up to sit overnight at her house and told her you would do it 'tomorrow'? If you are doing the washing up as a guest, you do it promptly, surely!

You've put hospitality in quotes, which suggests a certain ungraciousness on your part, sorry... And annoyed because she didn't have enough 'xmas food'? I'm not sure I even know what you mean, there.

It is unclear whether you expect to be treated as a guest or as a member of the family making herself at home. It sounds like she might have a different idea about this, too. Some families would help themsleves to food from the cupbpoard in these circumstances, others would expect the MIL to play hostess and offer you food.....some would just get on with being themselves and watch telly and relax, and treat one another as 'just family', others would again feel more compunction to play hostess and make conversation/go out to dinners/send thank you cards...i really think you might just both have a different idea about this.

I'm sure she has her annoying qualities, but really, it comes across as you having different ways of doing things and perhaps you could both be a lot more generous and tolerant.

Pom has it bang on. Difference of opinion and ways of acting is all I see here. She doesn't sound any worse as a MIL than you do as a DIL. I don't think she has terrible manners, but then again, she might think you do. Like has been sort of said, six of one, half a dozen of another.

Massively disliking someone for the reasons you have stated as quite odd tbh.

My dp's whole family are idiots cant stand them he feels the same about most of mine and it doesnt matter one bit to us because we are marrying each other not the whole family

it doesnt matter one bit to us because we are marrying each other not the whole family

Hmmmm... good luck then, because it rarely works out like that. You are becoming part of each other's family. It is never just the two of you.

I honestly would rethink the future of any relationship if I didnt get on with my partners family or he hated mine.

I love the optimism, noisychild, but trust me when I say it doesn't quite work like that!

So, you went to stay with them and you decided to take over the cooking for the first night and then organise a restaurant for the second.

You were their guests. They probably felt like they couldn't relax in their own home because you seemed to want to control everything. Regardless of how good a "cook" you think she is (and goodness knows what her weight has to do with anything), basic good manners dictate that if you go and stay at someone else's house you offer to help, you don't take over.*

*Unless, of course, they are incapacitated in some way.

I really don't think she sounds that bad. I was prepared to read something terrible. I can see how it annoys you a bit but we're all set in our ways to some degree.

you don't sound like a lot of fun yourself op

and dont compare her to your mum

You sound incredibly judgemental, actually. What does her weight have to do with the way she cooks? If I invited you to mine and you insisted on cooking I'd be thinking you hate my cooking!

The commenting on what you were eating sounds extremely irritating, the rest of it just sounds like different people with different ways of doing things.

Presumably she said thank you at the time you gave her the gift, since you were both in the same house?