AIBU to massively dislike DP'S PARENTS (a bit of a MIL thread sorry)

[allthatglittersisnotgold]

I've had some serious issues with my DP's parents for a while now. We visited over xmas for 2 days and tbh it was the most miserable experience.

I offered to make dinner on the first night whilst everyone relaxed, and she meddled in that, I even brought my own ingredients, forgot one certain ingredient, had a look in her cupboard and what i needed was out of date since 2008! I like to get all the fat from my mince, when I turned around she had poured it back in the pot!! For someone overweight she doesn't "cook" how I would expect a mother and woman of her age too. That's all fine-ish, on the last night we sat down to dinner and she started moaning about how I didn't know the price of milk and bread (I don't- I add it too my weekly shop and forget about it). How I leave the washing up over night, (me and DP both work long hours) told her we do it in the morning or next day, she seems to think that only her son works full time and that I am available all day for domestic duties. She also started giving me evils and her husband the eye because I didn't eat all my chcicken like I am a child and berating me for it. It's embarrassing and even my DP had a snap at her for being a bit rude. If I have someone over for dinner they can push their food around the plate for all I care, I have "offered" them this food to do what they like with.

DP and I offered to take the PILS and SIL out for dinner the 2nd night, to say thank you (as DP's dad has helped us a lot with our flat), she was like oh well I suppose if you like, probably won't get in anywhere!! Totally unenthusiastic- all she had to do was arrive there!! We would take care of everything!

When she has come over to our flat, she immediately starts washing my things up and cleaning without even checking with me. After x mas I sent her a card thanking her for my gift and "hospitality" and heard nothing from her, regarding my quite expensive gift to them. She spent the two days we were there staring at telly in kitchen drinking wine. It just shocks me that she had got no xmas food in at all, and I had to ask if I could make myself something to eat as I was so hungry at one point and was never offered anything.

It makes me sad/irritated as my own parents and mum in particular are so gracious and welcoming!!

Has she got terrible manners? Or a problem with me? Or am I reading too much into it?

I know, my partner's relationship with my mum and sister is civil and cordial rather than gushing probably mildly irritate each other at times,

They are just very different people, but it helps that neither party were looking for a second mother/daughter/sister they never had.

Noisy, are there not enough threads on here about ILs to make you realise you don't marry an individual, you marry a family ?

OP what exactly is xmas food ? I used to be a chef, we entertain on a large scale at Christmas but if you were looking for boxes of Heroes or twiglets you'd be disappointed. Doesn't make me a bad host

Is this an inverse AIBU by any chance?

Or do you really turn up as a guest at other people's houses and insist on taking over the catering, then call the same people controlling for doing a bit of washing up rounds yours?

How can you not know the price of bread & milk?

How does she even know that about you?

From the OP it seems as if you take over at hers & don´t like it when she does the same!

I think you've all said the right things but, if I were cooking anywhere, I wouldn't like it if I'd removed fat from a pan and someone else put it back. Either I'm doing the cooking or I'm not.

Hello ladies/gents?! Thanks for your comments. Weellll there is a bit more to the story that I won't go into. I offered to cook to show my appreciation and wouldn't have minded at all if she'd said no please don't I have plans. I also bought my own food for everyone, as they are very frugal, too frugal in my opinion as they do own two properties mortgage free, and didn't want to start cooking there food.

I think what I forgot to say is that, she says like... So what does your mum do all day now she's retired (because MIL isn't and wants to be). I thought that was rude. My mum also comes up to London all the time to see me, she said what does she do in London everytime? (MIL hates London), then finished it with there's only so much shopping someone can do. I said my mum goes to museums, art galleries, meets friends. I thought she insinuated that my mum was a shallow time waster.

WRT to the washing up, I would never have left it not done at her house, I meant my own on a weekday. Which is none of her business at all, this was brought up at the diner table and rude I think.

We've had blows in the past, and I'm extra irritable with her now. She didn't say thank you for the gift actually. She doesn't even say hello first when we go to her house or she comes to ours..it's so strange.

Also being a "youngish" person in my first home with my DP I take offence at people cleaning my kitchen as though it's dirty and I can't manage.

Her being overweight and a bad cook irritates me, because a) she always moans about her weight even though she eats so much crap and b) I don't care if you are overweight but at least accept it and pig out on lovely food you've made!!

X-mas food to me is things like..different cheeses with crackers, cooked breakfasts, some nice chocolates, sprouts and gravy with a roast. (she doesn't like gravy so won't do it). Fresh milk and not bloody UHT!! I feel like I always make a huge effort with guests and she doesn't!

Obviously you don't get along.

And probably never will.

But if you came to my house and were obvious in looking down at me, which is what you seem to do, making judgements about what she eats, how they do Christmas, how I spend my money, I wouldn't get along with you either.

You are, as I said previously, extremely judgemental.

I certainly don't "obviously" look down on anyone, (in my head..yes of course).

I didn't want to go to her house, I had to for my DP's sake. As he was coming to my parents for 5 days. I pretend to get on with her for him, and I think you'll find I don't say a thing to her yet she voices all her opinions to me.

The only time I have stated an opinion about how she spends her money, talks to me, what she eats, is on here. Fairly anonymously. Tee you a MIL by any chance? You seem to have taken this rather more personally than you need to.

I think what I forgot to say is that, she says like... So what does your mum do all day now she's retired (because MIL isn't and wants to be). I thought that was rude.

Why? So she wants to know what someone who has retired does to fill their days and this is rude?

Whats your FIL done for you to dislike him as you haven't mentioned him apart from saying you dislike him in your thread title?

You obviously don't like her but I would just be a bit more relaxed and 'go with the flow'.

I can't put across her tone, I know for a fact she doesn't want to work, so it's a jealous thing. If she had phrased it like what's your mum up too? It would sound better, it comes out like what on earth does your mum find to do with all that free time? As though she's lazy. Ok the FIL is actually okish. We had a terrible time about 2 years ago and I apologise but I can't talk about it. I can assure you it wasn't acceptable. My parents was concerned about whether I should even be with my DP, with PIL's like that. They wanted me to have an extended family not people I just "put up" with.

There have been some useful comments on here, But I don't need to be attacked or critisized if you don't mind people.

Duck - there can be a certain 'tone' when some people ask the question "So what does your mum do all day now she's retired". I thought that was rude"* - I know because it is often asked of me as a SAHM with a school age child (also see threads about this subject on Mumsnet ) - it can come across as being 'sneering' even if it isn't meant to be and I can understand why the OP finds it offensive.

I think the best advice in all these situations is as someone else suggested, ask yourself if you would be as annoyed if it was your own mother. And make a mental note to be the perfect MIL yourself one day .

You are right of course exotic fruits, I just see how friendly and un judgemental my mum is to my DP and it makes me need the same thing myself.

So true what they say, you don't just marry the person, you marry the family too.... (what was said upthread).

No, not a MIL, my son is 2.7. and taking nothing personally.

I just think you have built up an expectation of how your PILs should be, but it's not who they are. Or ever will be.

And of course you don't say these things to their faces, but I would be really surprised if they don't know you don't like them.

I think if she was to ask you what the weather had been like, you would find some fault in that, as you seem to assume that everything she says is having a dig at you.

YABU.

I think that you just have to accept that they are not people that you would choose but they are a part of your life. If you don't have expectations and just 'take it as it comes' you will find it easier-you might even get to like them eventually.

I've had exceptionally nice Mil's in the past, and when I split up with those bf's mourned the loss of their family more than the actual bf, so I certainly know what it's like to have good ones. I can't change these people of course. I do find it extremely hard to accept them, and I find it difficult to understand why they don't like me. (I'm sure some of you on here will come up with some reasons!!)

They often say men marry women just like their mothers.

Crackfox, I have actually had that thought myself!! We probably both like to be in "control"!

My PILs are lovely and their whole family is lovely. They make a fuss, go to lengths to make others feel special. Have a big house and spare cash. It makes a massive difference. My own family is much more frugal and just don't have that expansiveness that I get from my PILs.

I think you need to work on accepting them for who they are and be a bit more tolerant.

It sounds as though you have a lovely image of exactly what you would like for PIL. Unfortunately that's not what you've got. From what you say it appears the relationship is poor and likely to stay poor. Quite a few of the things you have said you did would feel very intrusive and controlling to me.

Quite a few things like what skiing gardner?

Cooking...because she hates it and doesn't do it, so it's that or go hungry for my visit? Offering to spend my own hard earned cash on a meal? Sending a thank you card for x mas gifts? Objecting to other people doing the washing up in my house when I would rather they relaxed in the living room, with a drink and free reign of the telly...Yes I've been very intrusive......like I said I would happily not see them ever, therefore avoiding situations, but I have to for my DP.

All those things sound nice but are all on your terms. What about doing things someone else's way? Or taking turns at deciding how things are going to be?