AIBU to massively dislike DP'S PARENTS (a bit of a MIL thread sorry)

[allthatglittersisnotgold]

I've had some serious issues with my DP's parents for a while now. We visited over xmas for 2 days and tbh it was the most miserable experience.

I offered to make dinner on the first night whilst everyone relaxed, and she meddled in that, I even brought my own ingredients, forgot one certain ingredient, had a look in her cupboard and what i needed was out of date since 2008! I like to get all the fat from my mince, when I turned around she had poured it back in the pot!! For someone overweight she doesn't "cook" how I would expect a mother and woman of her age too. That's all fine-ish, on the last night we sat down to dinner and she started moaning about how I didn't know the price of milk and bread (I don't- I add it too my weekly shop and forget about it). How I leave the washing up over night, (me and DP both work long hours) told her we do it in the morning or next day, she seems to think that only her son works full time and that I am available all day for domestic duties. She also started giving me evils and her husband the eye because I didn't eat all my chcicken like I am a child and berating me for it. It's embarrassing and even my DP had a snap at her for being a bit rude. If I have someone over for dinner they can push their food around the plate for all I care, I have "offered" them this food to do what they like with.

DP and I offered to take the PILS and SIL out for dinner the 2nd night, to say thank you (as DP's dad has helped us a lot with our flat), she was like oh well I suppose if you like, probably won't get in anywhere!! Totally unenthusiastic- all she had to do was arrive there!! We would take care of everything!

When she has come over to our flat, she immediately starts washing my things up and cleaning without even checking with me. After x mas I sent her a card thanking her for my gift and "hospitality" and heard nothing from her, regarding my quite expensive gift to them. She spent the two days we were there staring at telly in kitchen drinking wine. It just shocks me that she had got no xmas food in at all, and I had to ask if I could make myself something to eat as I was so hungry at one point and was never offered anything.

It makes me sad/irritated as my own parents and mum in particular are so gracious and welcoming!!

Has she got terrible manners? Or a problem with me? Or am I reading too much into it?

Totally agree with you Skiing. I know that she wouldn't agree to taking things in turn. A little bit more to the story (if anyone is remotely interested) is that I lived there for a month whilst we were completing on our flat-unfotunately they live closer to our place of work than my parents.

She insisted on things like coming into DPs room to pick my pants off the floor to wash, hoover and clean. I mentioned that if she could just tell me what washes she was doing I woudl fall in line and add some bits, or even do our own washes. I also said I am happy to do all cleaning and hoovering of the room. Bear in mind I paid her a good whack of rent to lodge. As well as bought food.

She never listened to me and coninuned to invade my only private space I had. (Bear in mind she knew this was very temporary as we were ready to complete).

One morning it was my birthday and I'd scheduled in a little lie in and go to work later, I rang a taxi company to take me to the station and they were busy..I didn't have another number so I asked her if she had one she huffed and went "Ugh I'll take you" I told her not to put herself out and insisted on a taxi number. Nope she had to be the marytyr and take me the station like a child. No Happy Birthday. Just annoyance.

I guess I've been seething ever since.

You sound a leetle bit precious op.

It sounds like six and two threes really.

She doesn't sound that bad. Was it a spice or some other dried ingredient that was our of date? I have had spices that I hardly use and they have been a couple of years out of Date. If you were planning to leave the washing up at her house until the morning I would find that annoying. I can't stand washing up left in the sink all night.

OP... I don't even know you and your tone grates on me. For your MIL's sake - stay at home. I don't know if you have kids yet or not but you will have to reign in your feelings, ungraciousness and rudeness when you do - or they will unavoidably suffer. I bet your husband was wishing that BOTH of you would stop it.

I imagine that your MIL gives as good as she gets. As far as 'looking down' on her goes, you needn't give yourself airs - buy mince that's lean and there's no fat to come out of it.

OP you sound a nightmare, in that you are all puffed up with your own perfection Your tone here is really annoying and superior.

I would be so offended if someone came to my house, brought their own food to cook and then insisted on going out for a meal the other day they were staying, really offended.

This is really 6 of one and half a dozen of the other though. You are picking at her, and she is picking at you. Just grow the hell up and get over yourself, and remember that this woman is going to be in your life for a long time to come. It will be much better all round if you can let the small things slide.

I thought you were going to say something awful had happened while you were staying with them. But she was cleaning your room and doing your laundry - not a bad problem to have...

a) It was lean mince- I only buy that there's still some fat
b) It was tomato puree that DOES go off, even I have spices from 2009!
c) DP isn't my husband (perhaps I've used wrong terminology) but it's partner isn't it? We won't be getting married any time soon, as like someone has said you marry partner and family unfortunately, and I agree.
d)WRT the laundry I wouldn't go in and pick up my guests clothes and underwear, I give them their privacy their bedroom is there's to retreat into when they stay with me!! It's basic manners. I don't want to have to be all grovely and owe soemone something becasue they did my washing, which I didn't want them to touch in the first place!!
e) I would never leave any washing up at others house only mine.
f) I'm not puffed up on any sense of my own perfection thank you very much...my friends will tell you I'm the first person to make fun of my own shotcomings.
g)I didn't INSIST on making dinner I offered as a nice thing to do, nor did I INSIST on going out to eat, I offered as a nice thing to do and was not openly offended when she poo pooed it. (only on here).
h) Trust me I would love to stay home and not visit them.

Also I asked her before I got there if she would like me to cook for them. A few days before..she said yes that woudl be nice!!! Plenty of time for her to object or say she has plans. My DP was also a bit miffed they threw a meal out back in both our faces.

You may not think you were 'opening offended' but I'll be she knew you were offended. If you dislike her as much as you say you do? She knows.

And if a lot people say YABU? It's probably you, not her.

I think you have decided you dislike her so all the little everyday mildly annoying things that she like most mils does you are now making into a drama. Seriously, nothing on that first post would warrant more that some rolling eye balls and a mars bar in your handbag. Thats families, suck it up.

You're right Tee she probably does know I don't like her. This is the last thing I'll say (I promise) but when we very first met, I was so ready to like them and have an extended family, she ignored me, didn't say hi, and didn't ask me a single question or try and talk to me. I was so surprised. I actually asked my DP if she liked me and had I done somethng wrong? He was like no she likes you!! Well you could have fooled me! From then on I thought wow, thanks for the welcome!

My heart sinks when I read threads like these. You sound hard impossible tp please to be honest, no wonder there is friction. And unfortunately you do sound sneery.
My heart sinks because I am a mother to a son, threads like this make me dread the future at times, it seems MILs can do no right with some people.
And I agree with a previous poster STOP comparing her with your mother, it isn't fair.

Nothing you wrote justifies massively disliking them.

Et al!!!! Welcome to the discussion, feel free to carry on bashing me into submission.

Why does she need to write and thank you for her Christmas present? Did she not thank you verbally when you gave it to her?

Nelda, Like I said I got on swimmingly with my 2 other MILs before, so no reason I wouldn't with this one. If you let your son make his own mistakes, don't force your opinions on her, or tell her what to do or how to live her life. Don't tell her she shoulddo the washing up at her own home EVERY night and that she is a slob for doing otherwise, treat her with respect and like an adult in her own right and you won't have any problems. Or hiim of course, his partner may be a him.

Miette, no she didn't thank me, think she asssumes my DP buys all the presents as in her opinion he is the only one who works and has money in the relationship. My SIL wasn't even there when I left her present for her!! Heard absolutely nothing. I always send cards as I think it shows a bit of effort. A text would have been fine from them though.

Why did you post on Aibu if you don't want think you are being unreasonable ?

Tbh I agree that mil sounds irritating but nothing to dislike but she clearly riles you so you need to try to find a way to manage this before it gets in way of relationship with dp (and agree It will get worse not better if you have kids).

I wasn't bashing you. I was replying to your OP. Sorry

OrmIrian- I was pre-empting it.

Yes I don't particularly feel I am being unreasonable, however those who have said I am being unreasonable and have given a bit of constructive advice has been appreciated and taken on board. Those that have just thrown abuse and called me sneery has not been appreciated and think it is uneccesary to start being personal with someone you don't actually know.

I think that you are right to say that I can find her irritating but shouldn't "dislike" her. That is a better feeling for it, and probably more accurate.

b) It was tomato puree that DOES go off, even I have spices from 2009!

OH! You're criticising her for having old puree in her cupboards, not old spices. Well, in that case, you have been totally reasonable.

OP I recommend you accept that some people are just not the same as you and do not behave the same way as you.

I think this will come to you over time. If it doesn't then this will become a contributory factor in the ending of your relationship with your DP.

Squeakytoy its siblings that have the problem with our relationship and i refuse to have my life dictated to me by them. They make up a large portion of my family which is why i generalised saying my family as i have 5 sisters 4 brothers. If i did what they wanted i'd just be an on call babysitter. And dp has a teeny family and its only 2 members of his family that have a problem with me. Why should we let a few small minded family members stop us being together? Family arnt all theyre cracked up to be in my experience. Some familys just arnt a loving and supportive as you'd expect

OH! You're criticising her for having old puree in her cupboards, not old spices. Well, in that case, you have been totally reasonable

For someone who asks you to squidgee down the shower, not drop crumbs (on the dinner table) and hoovers twice a day everyday, it is a bit odd. That alone isn't my SOLE reason obviously!! You're being facetious

no, i am being sarcastic.

brdgrl-please don't be it's not constructive or helpful and I don't need to remind you it's the lowest form of wit do I?