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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be REALLY annoyed that my friend failed to acknowledge my DD's 1st birthday?

57 replies

KGR1970 · 29/01/2012 10:46

To put it in context, we've been friends for 10 years. We see each other at least once a month. Her DS was born in Jan 10. When he turned 1, I went round to their house (only about 20 mins away) with a card and present. I did the same when he turned 2 a couple of weeks ago. It was my DD's first birthday last week and there was silence; not even a text or email, let alone a card. I've heard from her since but no mention was made. She's had no recent dramas to explain why she might have just forgotten.
It is still annoying me. Should I say something or just grow up and let it go?

OP posts:
ChocolateBiscuitCake · 29/01/2012 10:48

Grow up and let it go.

YABVU

Catsdontcare · 29/01/2012 10:49

Maybe she has genuinely forgotten. I would let it go

Thumbwitch · 29/01/2012 10:51

YABU to be REALLY annoyed about it; but less so to be irritated. She sounds a little thoughtless - perhaps you should just send her a text asking if she's ok? Then let it go.

TidyDancer · 29/01/2012 10:51

Well yes, YABU to be really annoyed, but I get why this bothers you. I'm one of those people who makes an effort for everyone else and often gets forgotten about, so I know it stings when other people don't think of you.

But yes, you need to let it go. She isn't obligated to remember your DD's first birthday and it's not a crime that it passed without her acknowledgement.

Snowbeetle · 29/01/2012 10:53

Let it go... its exactly the sort of thing I would do cos I'm a bit scatty or life has got mega busy and I'm forgetting all sorts of big things but remembering to do laundry and pack lunch boxes! I adore my friends lo's and niece and nephew though, so it really no reflection. Some people put more store in this sort of thing than others. I can see why you're upset though - its a bit like punctuality - if you make a point of observing it it will really bother you when others don't. She would probably be mortified if she realised though. :)

Tee2072 · 29/01/2012 10:53

YABU

Your child's birthday is paramount to you, not really to anyone else. Well, except your child.

Just because you do something doesn't mean someone else will. Did you give her child a gift just to get one back?

EirikurNoromaour · 29/01/2012 11:03

YABU
Seriously. Let it go. Life is too short to get offended by other people forgetting your DCs birthdays.

eurochick · 29/01/2012 11:08

I only remember my closest friend's kids birthdays and send gifts. My other friends have about a dozen kids between them. I sent gifts when they were born but don't celebrate their birthdays. I thought that was pretty normal? I love playing with them when I see them but birthdays tend to be family affairs in which I play no part (which I am absolutely fine with). TBH at this point I try to forget my own birthday and struggle to remember my husband's.

YouOldSlag · 29/01/2012 11:08

I bet if you said something like "DD had a nice birthday, we had a cake etc" she would suddenly go "Oops!" and look mortified.

It's not easy to remember the birthdays of all my friends's children and the first can be hard to remember as it's not quite "habit" then. Sometimes people can't believe it's been a year already etc.

It is nice when people acknowledge my DSs birthday but I have close friends who never do. Doesn't mean they don't love them or me.

NormanTebbit · 29/01/2012 11:10

Oh FGS

HoneyandHaycorns · 29/01/2012 11:12

Sorry but YABU.

Birdsgottafly · 29/01/2012 11:14

Not everyone is into gift buying, perhaps she doesn't want to get into exchanging presents?

I told everyone this Christmas not to bother, some did, i didn't, i am not going to be forced into habitual spending of money on people who don't need anything else. I would have prefered 'donkeys' from Oxfam and done the same. It is upto them what they do next Christmas.

Is there a possibility that she feels the same?

mayorquimby · 29/01/2012 11:15

"why she might have just forgotten."
you nailed it in your op.

defineme · 29/01/2012 11:15

Do you perhaps need more interesting stuff to keep yourself busy with? If you had interesting stuff to do you wouldn't be thinking about this kind of stuff-your anger is a reflection of your issues and not the state of your friendship.
Would she rush to your aid in an emergency?
Can you ask her for favours?
Do you have a laugh with her?
Can you discuss your troubles with her?
If you can she's a true friend.....

gardenplants · 29/01/2012 11:18

If this is her only recent "crime" during the friendship, it is likely that she has just totally forgotten. Or not transferred dates properly from calendars etc. Or had an electronic malfunction. If that's the case, it's just a genuine error and she would probably be really embarrassed. So, if this is just an isolated incident, you should probably forget about it.

DharmaCeutical · 29/01/2012 11:19

I wouldn't expect anyone outside my close family to be remotely arsed about my DCs birthdays. People's lives are so busy and complex, why give 'em something more to fret and feel guilty over?

YABU.

OnlyANinja · 29/01/2012 11:20

YABU to be REALLY annoyed.

Especially since your child is 1 year old - it's not as if she will notice.

Chandon · 29/01/2012 11:21

Oh goodness, I don't know any of my friends'kids birthdays!!!

I hate it when people drop off a card and go all thoughtfull, and then are extremely hurt when I forget their pfb's birth date...

Get a life, is what I think...

No idea why I still have friends by the way, maybe I am the source of many Aibu threads.....?!

BIWI · 29/01/2012 11:22

The phrase 'precious first born' was invented for a reason!

Sorry to be harsh, but your baby is just not as important to other people as she is (obviously Grin) to you.

She could have forgotten the date of her birthday, quite easily. It might never have occurred to her that you would expect a gift.

Let it go and just accept it as how things are.

However, I would also use this as an opportunity to have a critical, objective look at the nature of your friendship, just to check out if YABU. Are you always doing 'more' than she is? Is the balance of your relationship skewed in favour of you always doing things? If so, then you may want to address it. If not, then just accept it as one of those things.

BlueFergie · 29/01/2012 11:32

Not one of my friends has remembered any of my kids birthdays. In fact a lot of them didn't even send a card/gift when Ds2 was born in Sept. I was relieved as by the third I don't need any more stuff and it's just extra clutter. I in general have a rough idea of when kids were born but never acknowledge birthdays except for nieces and nephews. People dont really care about friends kids birthdays. Why would they? They are not your kids friend?

whostolemyname · 29/01/2012 11:34

YABU for all the reasons said. Sorry.

Willabywallaby · 29/01/2012 11:34

Just think you don't have to bother with her DC's birthday next time, result!

happyhorse · 29/01/2012 11:38

I wish my friends would stop getting DS birthday and Christmas presents so I don't have to stress about remembering for their kids Grin

BertieBotts · 29/01/2012 11:40

Some friends of XP's got really offended when we didn't drive 100 miles up to see them for their DD's birthday BBQ despite the fact we'd come up a couple of months before for their Christening, we were skint and they were expecting us to stay in a B&B Hmm

Why bother to go to so much effort for a baby who has no idea what day of the week it is and is more interested in a toothbrush than any number of presents or cakes etc? Keep it as a small family thing, then it will be special :)

hocuspontas · 29/01/2012 11:45

Maybe she doesn't want to start something and then feel obliged to do it every year. Don't fret.