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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that it is my business where the DCs sleep when they are at their dad's

115 replies

workshy · 28/01/2012 23:59

the dcs stay at their dad's alternate weekends

dd1 stays in single room, dd2 sleeps on blow up matress on the floor in xps room

they started this when she was 6, she is a very restless sleeper so would keep dd1 awake and dd1 is excessively grumpy when tired so he prefers they sleep in seperate rooms -up to him!
but now she is 8 and he tells me he probably won't be moving for about 12 months, I'm starting to feel that it's not necessarily appropriate for him to be sharing a room with DD

I know it's his weekend his rules but this is starting to bother me

do I say something or leave it up to him?

OP posts:

mynewpassion · 29/01/2012 20:44

So her concern is not that she is sleeping in the same room as her father but the bed. That is different from what you were concerned about.

I think you can bring up the bed issue to him but you have to understand that he might not be able to buy a bed at the moment.

Latemates · 29/01/2012 20:54

So the air bed is her only concern. So going by that if it was a proper bed she wouldn't mind it being in same room.

So yes I stand by no need for you to interfere. Part of growing up is allowing child to develop their own ways to deal with problems.
She could discuss with dad this by offering suggestions. Such as sharing bed with sister, having a different alternative to blow up such as a foldout bed etc.

Also, bear in mind what response she felt you wanted. As she may know you disapprove, she may like playing mum and dad off against each other or may even just have based response on previous weekend when blowup bed malfunctioned

flippinada · 29/01/2012 20:54

workshy

You seem to be getting a bit of a hard time on here.

Can you put your finger on what is bothering you about DD2 sharing with her Dad?

FWIW I do not think you sound bitter/controlling or any of the other nonsense that's been trotted out on here. Please try not to take any of that to heart.

hatesponge · 29/01/2012 21:01

I don't think there is a cut-off for room sharing tbh. I know in my grandparents generation it wasn't uncommon to have to share with parents pretty much til you left home (esp in 2-up 2down type houses, one bedroom tended to be for boys, the other for girls and parents...). There's no chance of my Ex buying anywhere for at least 12 months, so by then DS1 will be getting on for 15, and still sleeping on the floor (not even an air mattress) alternate weekends.

Both Dc have raised it with him, he says theres nothing he can do til he gets a place of his own. I suspect your Ex may say similar (although in his case would be until he has somewhere bigger).

SparkleSoiree · 29/01/2012 21:08

Having read the thread all through it is a still little bit unclear as to what your genuine issue with this situation is.

The reality is that you run your home the way you do and your EXH has no right to tell you otherwise and the same vice versa. If your daughter has an issue with the air bed then she needs to speak to her dad. If he is telling her to 'stop moaning' or whatever exact words he used then in his capacity as her parent he has decided it is a non-issue OR he is not in a position to do anything about it at this point in time.

I also think you could be in danger of opening the flood gates here for your daughter to begin playing you off against each other if you start trying to undermine her father over this kind of issue. Whatever your personal opinion of him and how he lives his life it surely won't bring much positivity to your relationship with him if you begin complaining about how he does things in his home, however temporary it is. His circumstances will change when he decides they will.

Personally I wouldn't say anything. Your daughter has said the only niggle is the air bed and her dad is aware of this so there is no need, I would have thought.

YABU.

Original poster

workshy · 29/01/2012 21:14

flippinada

thanks for the support, I would try and explain myself better but it doesn't seem to matter how I word things I am getting bashed from every angle, and unfortunately I do take things to heart

sorry

OP posts:

DodieSmith · 29/01/2012 21:18

I think that you have put your finger on it. You want your daughter to feel secure and wanted when she's with her father and the temporary nature of the arrangements is what's bugging you. But it won't kill her and like you say, you need to choose your battles. Maybe hide the thread.

SardineQueen · 29/01/2012 21:30

Doesn't he go to bed at a different time to the children? Having him thrumping around when she is trying to sleep doesn't sound great.

I don't understand why she's not in with her sister TBH. Don't they get on? My two share a room, they are only little though. I would find it more usual for the children to share than the arrangement that is in place.

She must feel a bit like she's living out of a bag. Is there space for her stuff in his room?

SardineQueen · 29/01/2012 21:33

I would have thought that older children sharing with opposite sex parent was generally not the best solution?

Eg if it were a boy hitting puberty sharing a room with his mum it would be not great either, better for him to be in with his brother

Am i missing something?

SardineQueen · 29/01/2012 21:39

Feel sorry for the Op the response she has got TBH. One of those threads I guess, hopefully OP has hidden it.

Original poster

workshy · 29/01/2012 21:39

he goes to bed after her and has to step over her

they can't share in the single room as it is tiny and no room for a bunk

if it were me (and yes I know it's not me in that situation but......)
I would put the girls in the double and sleep in the single (that's what we do when we visit my parents)

instead he chooses to have her sleep on the airbed

and they get on well 80% of the time -just like most siblings

OP posts:

SparkleSoiree · 29/01/2012 21:42

Didn't you write though that they needed to sleep separately due to your youngest being grumpy in the mornings? Or have I misread that?

Original poster

workshy · 29/01/2012 21:44

he made the decision to have them sleep seperately as he felt they would sleep better in seperate rooms -his choice, I didn't interfere at the time

OP posts:

hatesponge · 29/01/2012 21:46

Could you ask your DDs to suggest this to him (ie that they share his room and he takes the spare). It genuinely may not have occurred to him. Or he may have thought of it and dismissed it as 'hassle' for him to switch rooms for 2 or 3 days a fortnight (I know my Ex would fall into the latter category).

SparkleSoiree · 29/01/2012 21:48

If he discussed that with you/told you that is what he was doing is it possible that he is still having that same issue and just hasn't told you? Maybe in your home they get on fine and maybe in his they don't? I can't understand why a parent would continue with a situation if somebody (your DD) was complaining about it unless they had a valid reason? (i.e. they are still having the grumpy child in the morning?)

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