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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that it is my business where the DCs sleep when they are at their dad's

115 replies

workshy · 28/01/2012 23:59

the dcs stay at their dad's alternate weekends

dd1 stays in single room, dd2 sleeps on blow up matress on the floor in xps room

they started this when she was 6, she is a very restless sleeper so would keep dd1 awake and dd1 is excessively grumpy when tired so he prefers they sleep in seperate rooms -up to him!
but now she is 8 and he tells me he probably won't be moving for about 12 months, I'm starting to feel that it's not necessarily appropriate for him to be sharing a room with DD

I know it's his weekend his rules but this is starting to bother me

do I say something or leave it up to him?

OP posts:
voddiekeepsmesane · 29/01/2012 19:04

then I stand that should read

voddiekeepsmesane · 29/01/2012 19:09

I would like to qualify my posts with the fact that I came from a broken home as a child and had several different homes . My mother did not settle in one place for several years after she left my father (father had main custody)

Also as a stepparent who for a while had dss in the same room as ds (10 years younger than him) or a while until we could afford to move.

voddiekeepsmesane · 29/01/2012 19:12

The constuctive thing I will say is that you approach the subject with tact with you dd2 and if she does feel uncomfotable then encourage her to speack to her father about it.

Original poster
workshy · 29/01/2012 19:13

I am not bitter and controlling

I am hurt, and I am affraid of him

I put up with alot of crap and find it really difficult to speak up to him so I have to pick my battles

he does alot of things I don't agree with and I keep quiet unless it affects them

and yes it is my opinion that an 8 1/2 year old girl who's sister started puberty at 9 should have some space, which is available, and there is no plan for this to happen

and it may not affect her this week, or next -but it probably will in 6 months time

sorry for being bothered

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 29/01/2012 19:15

When she is bothered she can tell him or you-until then I expect they are fine.

voddiekeepsmesane · 29/01/2012 19:19

Why are you drip feeding so much. Now you are afraid of him. Are your dd's? If so then court action is needed.

I am finding it hard to keep track of what really is eating at you, the sleeping in the same room(mentioning of boxers etc) the personal space issue, and now the personal space mixed in with being afraid of him and the early onset of puberty (which really again is just about personal space)

WorraLiberty · 29/01/2012 19:20

Well if it affects her in 6 months time she can share with her Sister, the same as millions of other children have to share a room.

I really think you're seeing a problem where there is none whatsoever.

It's a couple of nights every other weekend, that's all.

Skippy5 · 29/01/2012 19:20

If she is 8 1/2, and her sister started puberty at 9, then I think YANBU to think she may want some space of her own soon and that xp needs to start to plan for this.

voddiekeepsmesane · 29/01/2012 19:21

Coming from a family of 8 children we didn't get personal space until we left home! Not every child has their own room, you do know this right?

ValarMorghulis · 29/01/2012 19:23

she may hit puberty in 6 months?
Do you believe that he goes to bed at the same time as them?
That he is going to watch her get changed?

I genuinly don't understand why you feel it so very damaging that he SLEEPS in a room where your DD SLEEPS.

I could understand if he had a new GF and they were having sex in there or something, but to just sleep?

Seriously, what are you actual concerns? because i don't get it at all

Original poster
workshy · 29/01/2012 19:24

voddie

of all the nasty behaviour he has displayed towards me he hasn't displayed them to the children, therefore I bend over backwards to ensure they mainatain a relationship with their dad even if it would be a million times easier for me to pick them up and move and never see him again

I am not intentionally drip feeding -anyone that knows me in RL will tell you I am fantastic at putting up walls and not letting on what my fellings actually are -I even keep them from myself sometimes (well most of the time actually) -and then sometimes they just spill out!

I would make a comment here about the fact that I wouldn't be able to speak up to him about it so I doubt our 8 year old would but I that would be drip feeding

OP posts:
ValarMorghulis · 29/01/2012 19:26

YOU have an issue Op. Not your XP.

mynewpassion · 29/01/2012 19:27

You are drip feeding, even unintentionally.

Leave it alone. If your DD doesn't like it, encourage her to tell her dad. Other than that, butt out.

exoticfruits · 29/01/2012 19:27

It wouldn't be a million times easier to pick them up and move-you would have the court to answer to!

Original poster
workshy · 29/01/2012 19:27

workshy, I can see why you are upset because I know you want the best for the Dcs and having a temporary bed on the floor may not seem like it is the best, however, she sin't being harmed by it so just go with the flow

see I'm all better now

OP posts:
WhiteTrash · 29/01/2012 19:29

YABU.

Unless you think he is a threat, then let them be. Tbh Id not have a problem with one of my boys sharing a bed with their father at that age (or older) if the need arose, so simply room sharing wouldnt cross my mind.

So she may start puberty at 9, thats not unusual. She doesnt have to get change in front of him or go to bed in the buff. Pjs top and bottom, no problem.

allnewtaketwo · 29/01/2012 19:42

YABVY

And now that most people are telling you so, you are (tho not previously mentioned Hmm "afraid of him"

How on earth do you know what he can afford to do. I'm sure hundreds of thousands of people of him at the current time in the economic climate are deferring taking on a mortgage. None of your business really. The children are safe and by the sounds of it well cared for. You are finding problems where there are none.

AmberLeaf · 29/01/2012 20:03

I think some of the responses here have been unduly harsh.

It would certainly be considered inappropriate for a 15 yr old girl to share a bedroom with her father for purely modesty reasons, so at what age does that start?

8-9 is too young then going by the responses here?

What age then?

voddiekeepsmesane · 29/01/2012 20:17

personally as long as a parent allows space for changing etc sharing if required (though not an ideal) has no age boundry.

Ideally personal space IMO would be a good thing by senior school if nothing else but quiet study space.

topknob · 29/01/2012 20:31

My kids are Always bed hopping..you are being v v unreasonable,,he is the girls father !

WorraLiberty · 29/01/2012 20:31

There is no 'right' age AmberLeaf as it's down to the individual child imo and whether they are comfortable or not.

The OP's child has not expressed any discomfort and even when she does, she can simply share with her Sister.

As for a 15yr old girl sleeping on a mattress on her Dad's floor for a couple of nights whilst wearing PJ's....well I don't think that's inappropriate either as long as she doesn't.

voddiekeepsmesane · 29/01/2012 20:35

Worra yove hit the nail I think. So far the OP has said all about the several different reasons she dosen't think it is right for her dd to share a bedroom with her father but not once has she said how her dd actually feels about it.

Original poster
workshy · 29/01/2012 20:39

have probably just opened up a can of worms at home but I have just asked her and she says......

'I don't like sleeping on the airbed because because it's really uncomfortable and it starts off too hard and then it goes down

have you mentioned it to daddy?

he tells me to stop moaning'

now am I allowed to be bothered?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 29/01/2012 20:42

Oh well she can share with her Sister then

Still not a problem is it?

voddiekeepsmesane · 29/01/2012 20:43

then I think you have every right to mention the airbed but she did not say anything about the actual bedroom arrangement and again unless she does neither should you.

workshy I have no axe to grind when it comes to wanting the best for your dd's but it needs to come from them not you IYSWIM