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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that it is my business where the DCs sleep when they are at their dad's

115 replies

workshy · 28/01/2012 23:59

the dcs stay at their dad's alternate weekends

dd1 stays in single room, dd2 sleeps on blow up matress on the floor in xps room

they started this when she was 6, she is a very restless sleeper so would keep dd1 awake and dd1 is excessively grumpy when tired so he prefers they sleep in seperate rooms -up to him!
but now she is 8 and he tells me he probably won't be moving for about 12 months, I'm starting to feel that it's not necessarily appropriate for him to be sharing a room with DD

I know it's his weekend his rules but this is starting to bother me

do I say something or leave it up to him?

OP posts:

YuleingFanjo · 29/01/2012 00:15

is it about him being in his boxers or about the lack of 'roots'?

pooka · 29/01/2012 00:15

Or me OR dh that should read. There's nothing inappropriate about it if they're comfortable with the set up, even if they were sharing a double bed (which your dd isn't). Boxers or otherwise. She's only 8 - yes in a few years she might crave a different set up, but it works for them now.

It isn't your business IMO.

IneedAbetterNicknameIn2012 · 29/01/2012 00:16

Also DS' (7 and 5) regularly sleep in my bed.

Like I said, I never had a room at Dads house, or a 'space' that was mine. I took clothes/books/toys with me when I went, the only thing that 'lived' there was a toothbrush.

AgentZigzag · 29/01/2012 00:16

You said about him sleeping in boxers, swimming etc which implies something inappropriately close, but are now saying you're worried about whether their relationship is as close as it should be.

Wouldn't you say the two are poles apart?

voddiekeepsmesane · 29/01/2012 00:16

So this is not about being in the same room as much as space, which frankly as longs as hes catering to the childrens needs while they are with him this has nothing to do with you.

DodieSmith · 29/01/2012 00:18

Yes, the implication from saying that it is not appropriate is that there is something inappropriate going on. So you can understand why everyone has misunderstood you.

RedBlanket · 29/01/2012 00:18

Not having her own space is quite a lot different 'he sleeps in his boxers'.
Even so, it's still not really up to you what he does.

pooka · 29/01/2012 00:18

All my dcs tend to share a bath so either dh or I will bathe them. I've said that if dd wants her own bath or a shower she can, so she is aware that she doesn't have to share bath, but she seems to like it. She doesn't get undressed in private at home either, but could if she wanted. She's 8, ds1 is 6 and ds2 is 2.

AgentZigzag · 29/01/2012 00:19

But then reading linerunners post, 8 is a kind of crossover age when they start wanting their own privacy and doing stuff independently.

Is it that you're worried your DD doesn't feel comfortable saying 'Dad, I'm 8 not 4 any more '?

When DD1 used to go and stay with my dad she got to about 8/9 and she wanted somewhere she could disappear off to sometimes but didn't feel able to say it in case it came out wrong.

AgentZigzag · 29/01/2012 00:21

Sorry linerunner, re-reading your post properly and that's exactly what you said.

Original poster

workshy · 29/01/2012 00:24

I'm not trying to drip, I hadn't even considered it from a child protection angle until everyone started accusing me of saying he was a child abuser -if I thought that for one minute I would have done something about it

hence the apparently odd angle I came form originally

when we all lived under the same roof we never shared a room, have never been on holiday and shared a room etc etc etc, so the fact that the room sharing has gone on so long is odd, but I don't think he would have even thought about it which is why I am wondering whether I should talk to him about it or not

I never usually talk to him about what happens on his weekend -it's his time and I don't tell him what he should and shouldn't be doing with them, as I don't expect him to be telling me

where he is living was only ever supposed to have been temporary, for whatever reason it has turned into a longer term thing, he still sees it as temporary despite saying that he will be there another 12 months
IMO he should be making it feel a bit more permanent for the dcs, especially dd2 who appears to be getting the raw end of the stick -but do I talk to him about it or not

not trying to bash him or suggest anything inappropriate is going on

and I am pressuming he wears boxers, wore nothing when we lived together, may still wear nothing for all I know

OP posts:

Original poster

workshy · 29/01/2012 00:26

You said about him sleeping in boxers, swimming etc which implies something inappropriately close, but are now saying you're worried about whether their relationship is as close as it should be

sorry don't see how you have interpreted how I have said they are not that close?

everyone else has pointed out that I think it is inappropriate -which I still don't think I actually said

OP posts:

thepeoplesprincess · 29/01/2012 00:27

It's OK workshy , you don't come across as bashing him now;. Sometimes you need to start threads like this first, before you can actually work out what it is you're trying to say.

LineRunner · 29/01/2012 00:28

And I think that in the pain of separation and divorce, it becomes awfully easy to home in on stuff like sleeping arrangements, at the expense of bigger things.

My mother used to crap on and on about my DCs sleeping arrangements at their dad's, as though she were wanting to will a problem into existence. She never once asked about my career plan, though.

If like Agent and I are suggesting, your DD needs a little help articulating something that she is uncomfortable with, then I would say by all means broach it with their dad and try to work out something better. But don't make him feel all defensive. It won't help.

WorraLiberty · 29/01/2012 00:29

If they only stay every other weekend, what's the problem?

The most important thing is that they're spending time with their Dad whom they obviously love.

If that means two nights on a blow up mattress and not having a wardrobe...who cares?

If the kids are happy, that's all that matters here.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 29/01/2012 00:30

You said you don't think it's appropriate in your very first post.

I find your attitude quite odd so I'm wondering if I'm missing something or if you are just not being as clear as you mean tobe?

Original poster

workshy · 29/01/2012 00:32

ok yess I can see why people have taken it the way they have (sorry tired, probably not the best time to have attempted to start this thread)

how about........

my ex hasn't sorted out any permanent sleeping arrangements for DD2 when she is at his house
this is at odds to what he said his intentions were when we first split as we both said we wanted it to feel as they had 2 homes, and weren't just visitors at either house.
he has plenty of time to sort this out but is still treating it as a temporary arrangement and DD2 is still sleeping on a blow up matress on the floor of XPs room
he has indicated this is going to be a longer term arrangement
should I have a word with him about this or should I but out as it is his weekend?
I am bothered about this because she is 81/2 and will be wanting to be more private soon -she already showers by herself and gets changed by herself after swimming

OP posts:

duckdodgers · 29/01/2012 00:36

I can slowly get where you are coming from regarding lack of roots but if this is the case why mention he wears boxer shorts in front of your DD?

Original poster

workshy · 29/01/2012 00:37

thank you peoplesprincess

you are absolutely right

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 29/01/2012 00:37

Maybe he just cant afford to move anywhere else. So long as he sees them i dont suppose they really care which room they sleep in once a fortnight.

AgentZigzag · 29/01/2012 00:38

'Inappropriate' has been taken to mean something completely different to what you meant in your OP.

I see what you mean now.

I would wonder why he'd not made physical space for them in his life as well.

Does he put time and effort into interacting with them?

LineRunner · 29/01/2012 00:40

I mean a simple solution would be that the blow-up mattress goes in the living room, and your DD gets changed in her sister's room or the bathroom.

BandOMothers · 29/01/2012 00:40

Look people you are all being harsh on the OP. We do not know the man...she does. It IS her business...if her instincts are telling her to be aware the she should listen to them.

OP have you asked your DD about how she feels sharing with her Dad?

BandOMothers · 29/01/2012 00:42

And OP naturally is thinking in the coming months her DD COULD begin puberty. Then it might be an issue.

Original poster

workshy · 29/01/2012 00:42

can afford squeaky, chooses not to

duckdodgers -didn't mention boxers in my original post, didn't even occur to me until it was suggested I was talking child safety -child safety hadn't occured to me

only when I typed it out did I realise it was irrelevant

if I thought there was any issues of that type then I wouldn't have suggested an option of 'leave it up to him'

think the 'niggle' that I couldn't put my finger on was her not having a proper space to sleep

taht is all, no issues with her dad

OP posts:

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