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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that it is my business where the DCs sleep when they are at their dad's

115 replies

workshy · 28/01/2012 23:59

the dcs stay at their dad's alternate weekends

dd1 stays in single room, dd2 sleeps on blow up matress on the floor in xps room

they started this when she was 6, she is a very restless sleeper so would keep dd1 awake and dd1 is excessively grumpy when tired so he prefers they sleep in seperate rooms -up to him!
but now she is 8 and he tells me he probably won't be moving for about 12 months, I'm starting to feel that it's not necessarily appropriate for him to be sharing a room with DD

I know it's his weekend his rules but this is starting to bother me

do I say something or leave it up to him?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 29/01/2012 00:43

It's probably down to money...so many people are skint right now aren't they?

Showering alone and sleeping on a mattress in your Dad's room (presumably not naked) are two totally different things.

The main thing here is they are having contact with their Dad.

And if DD2 becomes unhappy, DD1 is going to have to live with the idea she'll be sharing a room with her Sister once a fortnight.

duckdodgers · 29/01/2012 00:44

Thanks for that work - the mention of boxer-shorts did seem to indicate something sinister to your suspicions.

Original poster
workshy · 29/01/2012 00:48

they share when we go on holiday and I'm not sure why they don't when they are there?

I encourage contact, I encourage them to ring/email when they are not with him, I ask him if he would like to have them any extra while he has time off from work etc etc

I'm not trying to either obstruct his relationship with him or tell him what to do, wondering if I should talk to him though

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 29/01/2012 00:51

I wouldn't talk to him about it unless your DD expressly shows unhappiness

And if she does, then she can sleep with her sister every other week...it won't kill them! Smile

FabbyChic · 29/01/2012 09:09

Whats wrong with sharing a room with his own daughter? I don't see what the concern is to be honest, as long as they are fed and well cared for.

Llareggub · 29/01/2012 09:21

I don't think it matters so long as they have their own space somewhere. My DCs have the same bed when they stay with their father, but it isn't theirs, IYSWIM.

McHappyPants2012 · 29/01/2012 09:24

he maybe able to afford to move, but he may be happy where he lives and why should he move because he has DC every other weekend that only 4 days over a month.

nothing wrong with a father and daughter sharing a room

seeker · 29/01/2012 09:31

Oh come on, "appropriate""boxer shorts" "doesn't bath her any more" "not sure why I'm niggled- can't put my finger on it"

But it's nothing to do with child protection? what on earth else were you implying? No use backtracking now when people have called you on it!

youarekidding · 29/01/2012 09:33

came on to say YABU but then read your concerns and think I'm getting between the lines.

Firstly, sharing a room IMO is no problem. As a LP to a DS (7) he will often come into my bed if he needs something. (well not often but he can if needs be iyswim?).
I can see why it niggles that this a an arrangement that is permanant because your DD2 doesn't have her own room.

I also think your DD2 is entitled to her own proper bed and bedding. Even a futon chair or a put up bed is better than a blow up.

Is DD2 still a niggly sleeper? Could they try sharing again? Both girls are older so it may not be such an issue now.

WilsonFrickett · 29/01/2012 09:38

Well done for your 00.32 post, it can be difficult to return to threads when you've got it wrong Smile

So to answer that post, yes I think you have every right to say to XP 'what are your longer term plans because I think DCs are starting to feel that they don't have a proper, physical presence in your life. They don't need a room each and an ensuite, but they do need a space they can call their own, as we discussed way back when we split up.'

I wouldn't go down the DD sleeping in the same room is wrong route in case it came out like the earlier posts.

You do run the risk of him telling you to butt out, but I do think it's worth raising.

Whatmeworry · 29/01/2012 09:59

How dare he treat the children his way and them enjoy it. This Must Be Stopped.

festi · 29/01/2012 10:03

I can understand where you are coming from on the roots point of view but, I think you need to step back, my exp moved in with his gf and her 2 teenage children a boy and a girl, initially I was a bit offended that dd did not have a space of her own at her dads house and she was kind of the visitor in his gf house. dd sleeps on put up bed in their room, however im pretty sure moving to a 4 bed house where they all have a room is not an option as would be very expensive for them. I would far rather she sleeps in their room than either the living room or share a room with a 14 boy or a 16 year old girl.

I also understand that many families who live together permanently are forced to share a room with their dcs due to financial constraints of moving and and that they do pretty well. I dont think privacy is a problem when they are just sl;eeping, i would hope your ex would give dd the space she needs and i dont think a seperate room is neccesary seeing as one dd has a room to her self surelly that is the other dds space in the waking hours.

Morloth · 29/01/2012 10:20

I think if your children are safe there, then you need to butt out of his life.

They are safe, they are happy, they are with their dad.

Just forget about it, it isn't your business. Does he get to comment on the set up in your house?

thepeoplesprincess · 29/01/2012 10:21

*Oh come on, "appropriate""boxer shorts" "doesn't bath her any more" "not sure why I'm niggled- can't put my finger on it"

But it's nothing to do with child protection? what on earth else were you implying? No use backtracking now when people have called you on it*

You're assuming the problem is on the wrong side of the situation IYSWIM. The point is, her dd is now at an age where she's wanting personal space when dressing/bathing/changing etc and from her perspective it may no longer be appropriate for her to be in with him.

GrownUp2012 · 29/01/2012 10:22

What is inappropriate about sharing a room with your dad?

Latemates · 29/01/2012 17:14

I don't think it's a problem for a child to share with a parent if the house size means that is the best option.

Reality for separated / divorced fathers means it is a huge financial hurdle to set up a new home. Reality is the more bedrooms the higher the rent. If he gets housing cost help they would only allow/pay for a 1 bed property as the children are not classed as resident with him due to only spending alternative weekends there.
If he works and pays maintenance, and all other bills etc moving may not be financial viable. Maybe he has choice stay where he is and have money for the odd trips and treats for the children or move and struggle to keep head above water and trips and treats not be possible for the children.

I do think that you should leave them to it and not interfere TBH

sheepgomeep · 29/01/2012 17:25

How does your dd feel about it? Is she happy with the arrangement? I would have thought that the spending time with her was more important than who sleeps where or the fact he appears rootless.

My ex (eldest dc father) is giving up his house to live back with his mum which means kids wont have a room anymore. So one will sleep on sofa and one will sleep in with dad. Its not great but they need to see each other so its going to have to be (shrugs)

CrabbyBigbottom · 29/01/2012 17:27

Aw I feel for you here OP - spectacularly ill-judged thread title and OP, and you've been understandably pilloried. In terms of your OP, then obviously YABU, but the concerns you've since clarified are a bit more understandable. I still don't think you've got any business whatsoever dictating your ex's living arrangements or your DD's sleeping arrangements at his house. But maybe a friendly word along the lines that other posters have suggested, about the girls being happier if they felt they had another 'home', rather than a temporary arrangement?

But when it comes down to it, you don't know what's going on in his head/heart/bank account as to why he hasn't put down permanent roots yet, and it isn't your place to influence him any more, is it?

exoticfruits · 29/01/2012 17:30

I can't see a problem. I used to share a room with my DS sometimes when he was older than that-it is what families do.

hatesponge · 29/01/2012 17:34

I rather feel YABU. I don't see anything inappropriate in DC of either sex sharing a parent's room at that age or older, especially given we are only talking 2 nights out of 14.

My DSs see their dad alternate weekends. He does not even have a home of his own but has moved back in with his parents. As there are 4 other adults living there, Ex does not have his own room and sleeps on the lounge sofa, and DSs sleep on the sofa/floor when they visit. Not ideal - but it is as it is. He could afford to rent a place of his own but is (allegedly) saving for a deposit to buy somewhere.

Quattrocento · 29/01/2012 17:37

YABU. DS snuggled up into bed with me last night. He is 12. We chattered about nonsense for hours. Does that make me a paedophile? Or you uncomfortable?

I think it honestly can't be the sleeping arrangements that are bothering you. Is there an underlying issue? Was the split acrimonious? Do you mind losing your DDs for the weekend and are looking for an excuse to keep them? You've just got to grin and bear it sometimes.

Original poster
workshy · 29/01/2012 18:39

yes the split was acrimonious (what split isn't)

no I don't mind him having them, and often suggest he sees them, has more phone contact etc etc

I have booked my holidays around when he wants to have them in the summer which means I have no time off with them over the summer holidays, but I had them more last summer so that's just the way it goes

I am anoyed that he has gone back on what he said about them having their own room (not rooms, a room) however I have sucked it up for 2 years, but the fact that she sleeps on a blow up matress for three nights (friday/saturday/sunday) every other week, when there is no need for it, bothers me yes

I haven't spoken to her about it because I don't want to be acused of putting words in her mouth

he has been saying he is looking to buy, has a mortgage in place etc etc, and I have left him to get on with it but he is now saying that it is going to be 'at least 6 months before he goes ahead as no one wants to sell him a house for what it is worth'
as I have known him for 14 years, I know if he says 6 months, he could mean 2 years, so it's only now I'm thinking of speaking up

but ok I'm butting out, obviously in the wrong........

can't help how I feel though :(

OP posts:
CrabbyBigbottom · 29/01/2012 18:53

Hmmmm... the more you say, the more bitter angry and upset you sound. It isn't going to harm your DDs, physically, mentally or emotionally, to sleep on a blow up matress or whatever for 2 nights out of 14. So what is actually going on?

He's your ex now, so all the frustration about him saying 6 months but meaning 24 needs to be 'not your problem' any more. If that is really properly adversely affecting your DDs, then that's another thing. But this isn't, not really. So why is it bothering you so much? That's what you need to get to the bottom of, not his sleeping arrangements. Because however much you think you're not transmitting this to your DDs, I bet you are.

Original poster
workshy · 29/01/2012 19:02

to be honest, i'm more upset by the criticism I'm getting for asking what I thought was an innocent question -bit open mouthed about it all really

it is my problem when it affects the children, as it would be his problem if something was happening in my house that was not in their best interests, and I don't think not having a proper bed to sleep in is in her best interests

OP posts:
voddiekeepsmesane · 29/01/2012 19:03

Hang on he does have a room for them but because of your dd1 being a light sleeper and dd2 being a wriggler they are not able to share a bed.

Sounds like you want him to do what you would do.

You sound bitter and controlling. And unless your daughters are verbally or emotionally telling you that they are not happy with the arrangement with their father hen I stand by what I have said before and think it is none of you business.