Pathetic AI or is DH BU about eating out and spending money

[Alliwantisaroomsomewhere]

We are not loaded - far from it. We have both just been paid so we have some money but towards the end of the month we are aways fucking skint and our meagre savings are dwindling.

Last week we went out for supper - £40. Next weekend we are going to stay with friends up north and will land up needing petrol money and money for going out. This is obviously on top of a normal month's expenses.

Dh has now suggested we go out for supper tonight. I said no, because we ate out last week and because we are going away next weekend. He got in a huge huff and we landed up shouting at each other. IMO he behaves like a child and does not acknowledge that you have to slow down today to be able to pay for things tomorrow. In his opinion, he may as well not work (!!) because he uses all his money for house keeping and petrol - which at the moment is probably true because he travels so far to work and because my income is quite low at the moment.

But what would happen if we did go out is that he would pay but then would be short of money at the end of the month then I would have to give him money from our savings so that he can get to work. He is so frustrated that there is no money to throw around, but he cannot see that spending unnecessarily is scary for me.

So I do not think that IABU but, how do I get him to see sense? I think he can see it, but refuses to. Any suggestions about how I deal with this? I tried to kiss and make up now because DS started crying with us shouting at each other. DS and DH have gone out now - so they are fine.

Fucking pathetic situation that keeps on rearing its head. If your life is so dull that you have managed to read this far, I would be pleased for some advice..... Should I have agreed to go? Am I too controlling (I think I am sometimes!)?

Can you get more money coming in? Do you work? Could you eBay stuff?

The one who has the control of the finances is always the one that worries about it.

I'm siding with you on this one, simply because I'm the financial juggler.

On the otherhand, it is a dull existance if you can't afford to enjoy yourselves now and again.

Compromise on a takeaway for half the price?

YOu have joint savings? Surely life is for living not saving and scrimping and just getting by. Its okay to save when you lead a good life, but not at the expense of having a half decent life. People who work need to go out and have a blow out and know it is not all about bills and commuting.

Id say save less and have more fun.

A clearly written budget, and separate accounts for bills and spending. Money for bills, food and necessary items such as fuel goes into one account, and only gets spent on exactly what they are earmarked for.

Spending money sits in a spending account, once it's gone, it's gone. If it is spendt it on a night out, then you have to cancel the trip away.

Sit down and work out the spending together. It will be depressing for him, but it needs to be done.

I childmind and have been very quiet for a while, but it is picking up - an interview last week and two interviews on Monday. I could ebay stuff - must confess to being too lazy to do that.

I know I am controlling and I hate that about myself. Going for a pizza tonight would not be the end of the world. Oh , fuck I messed up over £30 didn't I?

£40 may not seem much to some, but to others its a tank of petrol or a rail ticket to get to work for a week. Circumstances vary, Fabby.

Agree with fabby

What's the point of savings if you're skint at the end of each month

Can you buy some nice food and try to recreate a restaurant. I've just come back from Asda. They have a number of deals on Chinese food at the moment.
I do understand your POV, but I also see your DHs. I am a live for the moment type of person, DH OTOH is very organised financially.

Think you're right, money can't just magically appear because he feels entitled to eat out. Also, with you having been out to eat recently its not like its something you never do.

What I try to do is when we are eg craving take-away food, make a home made version or get something like M&S/Tesco meal for £10, so kind of pretend we're eating out but in our own house (but cheaper) IYKWIM.

Could he be persuaded with a take-away?

I know how you feel OP, and I can sympathise with your DH too: having to be on a tight budget can be mind-numbingly dull, especially if you work hard and feel you deserve some reward.

What about a special meal at home after DCs are in bed, with candles and wine?

It's a shit situation to be in, many of us understand completely as we are in it too.

AllIWant - it's not unreasonable to police the spending if your husbands idea of budgeting is to spend all his money and then dip into the savings at the end of the month. Yes, the odd treat is needed to keep life fun, but it should be chocolate and hiring a DVD this week. You had dinner out and have a weekend away coming up, it's not like you're sitting in watching TV every night.

Savings are presumably something you have built up over time and although things appear to be picking up for you financially, there are no guarantees. It is not agood habit to get into to be dipping into savings to fund your lifestyle. I agree with you I'm afraid. Takeaway could have been a reasonable compromise.

A clear budget is the way to go with a set amount put aside to cover the essential bills, food and petrol and an equal amount each for leisure - when the leisure is gone it's gone. Then allow DH to use his as he sees fit - if he wants to eat out all the time and then have none left for a week end away etc then let him - perhaps when he runs out and has no leisure money left he will realise the importance of deciding which things are important and which are less so.

It is not really savings in the true sense - it the proceeds of a sale of a flat I used to own. We have less than a quarter left of what I recevied on the sale. But we have had big expenses that we were not anticipating - like moving house twice and I was a bit ill over summer so could not work for a week. I do nto put money into our savings every month, but I do draw from it. We have nothing else. That is it - no inheritances coming our way, no fixed property, no assets, no pensions, nothing. I worry myself sick about this.

Can you keep a spreadsheet and have a weekly/monthly tally with all the essential expenses set out and a small amount for treats. This would make the "fun" money very obvious and it would be easy to see how much is available for the rest of the month and what is left for the rest of the month's planned spending is if you spend £40.00 on supper tonight.

No you did not mess up over £30. Someone in the house has to be the adult and it seems to be being left to you :(

Eating pizza out isn't like missing out on something really fun - a friends birthday, a day out with the kids, your favourite band playing. It's pizza out. Not worth taking money out of savings for if you have eaten out last week and are going away next week.

He needs to grow up.

I'd do what someone else said - make him go through the finances with you and see where the money goes. A lot of people are coping week to week right now and he's being spectacularly childish saying he might as well not work - does he expect to get benefits to pay the bills that his wages are paying now? He's lucky that your income is covering the bills - lots of people are working and still not covering the ever increasing bills.

In short - you are right and he needs to grow the fuck up.

I think eating out is over-rating tbh.

I mean ok if it is a party or with friends but on your own i think once in a month is more than enough. You can make a special meal at home and feel like it is a treat.

As for how to make him see your point:
a) it is not £40. It is £40 x 20 in a year, thats £800 gone.

b) tell him few stories of whats going on in Restaurant's kitchens. That will put him off

Yes we have a very similar situation to this. I control the money but dh still likes to spend at will. The key is to sit together to work out your budget. Even if you know it inside out, do it together as he'll get a good understanding where the money goes and what if anything is left. Work out any money thats left over and what you will do with it, save some, split the balance or stick it in a joint pot.

The other thing we did was review previous months spending to see exactly where we wasted money. Our biggest 'waste' was eating out/takeaways. He likes the treat and when i cant be bothered to cook i'd cave in. A lot. We've tackled that by having movie night on saturdays. Joined lovefilm and we make a big curry(from a jar) so that i dont feel too tired, or on a supermarket meal deal. We get loads of sides too so its a real splurdge but literally half a takeaway and third of eating out. We get icecream or sweets etc and thats our treat. Could you do something similar. Work out a treat thats affordable but still allowing you nice things and control of the money.

We also have a joint savings goal. We want an ipad. So every homemade curry, using the airer not the tumble drier etc brings us closer to that joint goal.

Realise it doesn't help much if he really wants to go out for the sake of being out of the house, but how about a compromise like making a really nice meal and formally setting the table (cheap candles, tablecloth and napkins) and serving up with a bottle of wine?

That's one of the 'date at home' style things that we sometimes manage - turning the telly off, playing some music and actually talking to each other like we used to when we were dating.

Even if it's a cheapie meal (I often use the slow cooker on the cheaper cuts of meat from our butcher) it makes us feel as though it's time out for us and a bit of a chance to reconnect (gawd, that sounds a bit naff, but hope you know what I mean)

Difficult to tell who is BU without knowing how much you have in savings and what it is there for! In general I agree with you though. And it doesn't sound like such a grind for him if you ate out last week and are away for the weekend next week. One week of being sensible is hardly a big ask.

I'd sit him down and do the family budget with him. Do a yearly one where you work out what you have to put in savings every month to cover yearly expenses like Christmas, Holidays, car service etc. Then a monthly one, then a weekly one. Let him see in black and white what you can afford and what you can't afford.

If you are not managing to save anything now, I would agree with you in trying not to touch the existing savings. Surely you need some sort of emergency fund in case of a sudden boiler/car breakdown, unexpected illness or any other unforeseen big expenses. I would only draw on the savings for "luxuries" if you are reasonably sure you will be able to replace the money at some point soon. Especially if you have no pensions either.

I can understand your DH is upset at not being able to afford any "fun" spending, but think he is going to have to realise you need to stick to what you can afford. So yes, compromise on a takeaway perhaps, but don't go out if you can't afford to.

worried sick well you're right to be TBH. If you are drawing down on savings to exist every month then what happens when they run out?

You're living beyond your means if you cannot exist within your incomings.

If you keep on trying to maintain that standard of living when your savings have gone, then it;s likely you will end up with loans and credit cards.

The pair of you need to have a serious financial talk about expenditure. I go through everything at least once a year - checking utilities, car insurance etc, looking for savings that can be made. Most people are dreadfully wasteful with food also.

Where did he take ds? They're probably in pizza hut

Well you were out last week & away next weekend.

It´s not as if you do nothing!

I agree with y compromise-extra special meal plus wine!

Life is for living but I wouldn´t be happy keep dipping into savings just for a meal out-especially if you can have meals out-just not every week-without using savings.

Why not go out for dinner cheaply? pizza hit have dinner for a fiver and kids eat free. Pisa express also doing vouchers. We only ever use vouchers to eat out. Thankfully so many on on the phone so no printing paper vouchers.