Pathetic AI or is DH BU about eating out and spending money

[Alliwantisaroomsomewhere]

We are not loaded - far from it. We have both just been paid so we have some money but towards the end of the month we are aways fucking skint and our meagre savings are dwindling.

Last week we went out for supper - £40. Next weekend we are going to stay with friends up north and will land up needing petrol money and money for going out. This is obviously on top of a normal month's expenses.

Dh has now suggested we go out for supper tonight. I said no, because we ate out last week and because we are going away next weekend. He got in a huge huff and we landed up shouting at each other. IMO he behaves like a child and does not acknowledge that you have to slow down today to be able to pay for things tomorrow. In his opinion, he may as well not work (!!) because he uses all his money for house keeping and petrol - which at the moment is probably true because he travels so far to work and because my income is quite low at the moment.

But what would happen if we did go out is that he would pay but then would be short of money at the end of the month then I would have to give him money from our savings so that he can get to work. He is so frustrated that there is no money to throw around, but he cannot see that spending unnecessarily is scary for me.

So I do not think that IABU but, how do I get him to see sense? I think he can see it, but refuses to. Any suggestions about how I deal with this? I tried to kiss and make up now because DS started crying with us shouting at each other. DS and DH have gone out now - so they are fine.

Fucking pathetic situation that keeps on rearing its head. If your life is so dull that you have managed to read this far, I would be pleased for some advice..... Should I have agreed to go? Am I too controlling (I think I am sometimes!)?

Changeforthebetter, thanks for the advise and the support .

I know that DH has to be more adult about this! I know that spending has to slow down a lot. What I don't know is how to stop behaving like a mother reprimanding a child that has misbehaved when DH gets into a childish strop. I am well aware that he acts like a kid sometimes and then in turn I act like a parent towards him. It is getting better - LOTS better but we slipped badly yesterday. I don't think he is even aware of how juvenile his behaviour is..... and I am not going to defend him by saying that other than that, he really is a lovely man .

Also I am well aware that we both need to be like minded about saving and spending but that is also where I struggle. How do I get him "on board" ? Apologies for the dreadful phrase.

By having the alternative in the fridge and cooking it happily and asking him to make the table look nice for you both.

Next development - I am fighting a losing battle. Tonight DH opened a tin of something for supper and said it was awful. It no doubt was! So I said I would do him something else, but instead he has decided to buy himself a take away. Again. I said he has to realise how much we need to run the house and how little we have.

He stormed off saying that he was fed up.

Oh my goodness! He's even winding me up now. You definitely need to do, as others have suggested, the sitting down with a spreadsheet exercise ASAP. He must be made to see that when you're using up savings for stuff like this, it's just not sustainable and has to stop.

You need to lock your savings away so they are not accessible to you. If it means he is without petrol money for a week, then so be it. He is acting like a child and needs to deal with the consequences of it.

OP - why wasn't a meal being cooked? Do you have regular meal times and plan ahead what you are going to have. Can you cook? Could you go to cookery classes together. This is sounding a bit like you both need some help.

Yesterday we had shepherd's pie - really easy 700g lamb mince, a chopped onion, a chopped leek, a tub of ready made lamb gravy, few twigs of rosemary, salt and pepper, topped with sliced potatoes and popped in the oven for an hour with the lid on and lid off for last 20 minutes. Served it with brocolli and peas.

Today we have had braised oxtail (two oxtails £10.00), 3/4 bottle of red, few herbs, two onions, six carrots, cup of beef stock - slow cooked for three hours and served with mash and veg.

That lot served four adults with shep pie for ds for lunch today. There are two servings of the Oxtail left for tomorrow.

Tomorrow DH and I will finish the oxtail and the dc will have chicken kievs, chips and peas.

For Tuesday I have already made a spag bol and on Wednesday we will have meat balls and pasta with a jar of sauce. Salad with on both days.

That lot probably comes to a total of about £65.00 in food terms for 4 adults - that's 20 meals comprising good quality food and big portions for piggy people. If I was on a tight budget I could make some equally nice meals for half that.

I work full-time too OP. The more I read your posts, the less I think this is about eating out and take aways. I hope you get it sorted out.

So upset I could cry.

I can cook and I cook a lot and quite well. I have a savoury mince in the slow cooker and did loads of groceries for the week so we have food in stock.

I am shattered today (confession: too much wine last night - DH's bug bear about where my money goes) and I have a bad cold. So I slept badly (DH snores beyond belief) and after doing loads of laundry and shopping and bit of tidying and DS's homework, I did not plan food for tonight. DH suggested he do the tin thing which he did. The rest you know.

lol so you are ok with spending money on lots of wine and takeaways but holler at him about wasting money - no wonder he is fed up. He is probably thinking why is she nagging at me when she is equally wasteful

i think you both need some really serious thinking

Stripey, I think you're right.

Sorry if I am talking rubbish but been reading your thread with much concern and was going to say see if he still wants a takeaway if you offer to cook, but didn't know how to put it, then you did offer to cook and he still wanted a takeaway.

I wonder if his wages would be enough to live on his own, run his own house, without your contributions from your wages and money from your flat, and pay petrol to work and takeaways. I bet he thinks it would be more than enough and I also bet he is mistaken in that belief. I could be wrong.

Does he think you should work more to pay 'your share'? is this what this childish behaviour is about? He doesn't seem to think of the family as a whole financially, more to moan that all his wages go on household and petrol. Does he value the work you do, both paid and unpaid? Does he see childminding as work in the same way as he works? I would find childminding very hard work, you are at home and out and about but looking after other people's children for pay is a lot different to looking after your own yet more relentless than working outside the home as you don't get lunch or tea breaks.

I'm just wondering how long you have been together, and even if it is twenty years or more, has he ever had to run a house financially, pay grown up bills etc? He doesn't seem to understand how much all the essentials cost. Seems to have an inflated idea of what his wages should stretch to. Doesn't seem to get that many if not most people spend most of their income on just surviving. Does he have friends who earn more, or different circumstances in some way, and thinks he should have as many treats as them?

Been together coming up 10 years. DH understands that childminding is hard work, but at the moment I am quite quiet so I do have some time on my hands. I also feel that he does not appreciate that being a family unit means money is for all of us and not just him, but he does contribute each month.

Don't get me wrong, he is not a twat! Just pathetically child like in his approach to finances and sometimes to responsibility.

What do you mean exactly, by 'he does contribute each month' - how do you work your finances, what money do you each have access to? Can you both access the savings?

Savings - if you both lost your jobs tomorrow, how long could you live on your savings for, if you were careful?

He gives me money each month and I manage (try to manage) our finances. He cannot access my account or the savings. Savings would last us 2 months if we both had zero income.

Right - 2 months savings is nothing, especially given the current climate. You need to find a way to add to this each month, not take from it.

You need to crack down on all of this additional spending!

Do you and he have the same amount of discretionary spending each pay day or does he have more?

What is he expected to pay for out of what he keeps back from you?

Why does he keep money back from you?

What bills are in your name, joint name, his name?

Umm - do you actually want to talk about all of this or did you just want a hug? You might have wanted to just vent, not to discuss it - that's OK too :)

I am reluctant to give out loads of detail for fear of being outed!

However, DH is insolvent (been to CAB and we received advice that that would be the best course of action). We need to do the paperwork for it and need to see CAB again. For this reason all bills are in my name, except for the rent, of course.

As for discretionary spending, I usually have more than he does but some months he would have more. He has petrol and car expenses to pay for from what he has left over. However, it has happened that repairs to the car were so high that he could only give me 50% of what he would normally. So that means I have to dip into savings.

I really appreciate being able to talk this through and get other's perspectives but I am VERY away that the whole world can see this!!! Hopefully nothing I have said would make us recognisable!

I doubt it my love, there are millions of people in your situation all around the country at the moment, unfortunately.

If all the bills were in my name, I would be making sure he handed over all of his money to me. I would put in all of my money. I would pay all of the bills. I would then work out what we had left and together we could work out how it would be saved/spent/divided - there's no way I'd have all the bills in my name and he be frittering money on takeaways/meals out or whatever else. Even if you don't cook, he can manage beans on toast or a cheese sandwich. He's insolvent and you have less than 2 months living expenses saved - he needs to grow up and accept that the vast majority of people are not eating out/having takeaways several nights a week.

He is not good with money and I fear he will drag you down if you don't put your foot down now.

How you do that without acting like his mother...? I would suggest you tell him that you need to talk about it. Tell him that things have to change. This is how it's going to be and if he thinks he would be better off financially living on his own he's welcome to go and give it a go or grow up and accept life isn't one big party.

Would you be willing to go to financial counseling?

there are people who will sit down with you and go through all your finances, and help you practically in terms of seting up a budget, but also sort of emotionally to get a healthier attitude toward money.

I think the best thing you can do in the immediate term is some serious meal planning. You say you have time at the moment so now is the time to get organised!

Put together a list of meals for the week, obviously ask DH if any objections to anything, but then stick to that. No more takeaways! Big waste of money. With the money you save from meal planning and no takeaways, you can probably afford to go out for a cheap meal once a week (and do some research on really cheap eats, vouchers, etc.) Or if you can't afford to go out, at least have one sort of 'splurge' meal a week or an in-house date night.

Your DH is not wrong that you need some fun in life otherwise you are living just to work. But I think both of you need to be more creative and put more effort into having fun cheaply.

So he has already been insolvent and still hasn't changed his ideas about money.....

I think it sounds as if you both need to be a bit more proactive about managing the food budget.

We all have 'can't cook/won't cook' nights every now and again, but the key is to keep something in the freezer that you can defrost quickly.

If it is curry takeaways he enjoys, make a big batch in the slow cooker one day, label it up in tubs then keep it in the freezer. If you know that nothing is sorted out for dinner, then pull out a tub part way through the day. Get some instant rice for the storecupboard if needs be, plus the poppadoms and chutney to go with it.

Maybe write up a list of ideas of things that are quick and cheap to cook. Buy in any storecupboard items you need. It is all cheaper than getting regular takeaways!

Also, I think that you will probably need to cut down on the wine in order to get him to compromise too.

I would go to financial counselling but I can bet my bottom dollar (every pun intended) that DH would not.

I agree about meal planning - I need to do it for childminding anyway! And I agree about cutting down on wine.

The curry thing branching says is what i do. Also my situation mirrors yours. My dh lost his business has no bank account etc as in process of winding up etc etc. I manage all money although rent and bills are in joint name.

My dh has no access to a bank account now. His fuel goes on a tesco clubcard credit card in my name, i pay it off in full each month and reap the clubcard points off his commute.

I make sure he has some 'pocketmoney' to ensure he doesnt feel resentful but i control the money. So yes sometimes i cant be bothered to cook and i fold to takeaway requests but as i mentioned before we sat down together to work out the budget. That way desiscions are joint. Dh would love us to have an ipad, he'd kill to have sky sports back but we cant afford it. Every takeaway we give in to takes us further from the luxuries we'd lile.

Thanks for your post, TheDoctorsWife46. I appreciate that.

DH would have a fucking FIT if I suggested he gives me his income. He would be completely emasculated if we did that. And it would get chucked up at every squabble. Though, with this weekend's crap, I am so close to reminding him that his fuck up with his self employment started all of this.

So upset tonight I cannot even look at him. I need a bloody good cry.

Why aren't you reminding him that it was his fuck up that got you in this mess?

Why did you give in and go out, and get takeaway?

You cannot control him (unfortunately) but you can control your own role in this. If you can't afford to go out, then don't. If you can't afford takeaways, then don't order anything along with him. Get cracking on the meal planning. Cut down on the wine. And get more work in so DH can't act like it's all his money. And don't dip into your savings!!

Your DH is shit with money and as long as he is like this you are kind of screwed. But at the least, you can control what you do and not contribute to the problem.

If I fucked up my money and put my family in dire financial straits, I would be begging for forgiveness and living on toast. If he was being remorseful I would say not to throw it in his face that it's his fault, but it sounds like he needs reminding in order to get rid of this sense of entitlement.

Hmm, I am tempted to get into a long rant about my own bitter experiences . You are obviously being really sensible but he hasn't accepted/won't accept the nasty reality that money isn't endless.

Dunno, lovie - I was given an "allowance" and now I think that was an fucking insult. It was less than £200 and less than a fifth of his income. I was expected to feed us all, buy all household cleaning stuff and clothe his kids on this (I was P/T evenings to save on childcare costs). He spent the rest on beer, CDs and well, who knows.............

If he is a lovely man, please do your best to communicate to him that a childish attitude to money is folly in good times and these days it is just ludicrous. I don't think you should be fannying around whipping up all these budget-treats either. He has two hands and a brain, as well as a penis. If he wants nice food, he can make it. Sounds like he is burying his head in the sand. Time to un-bury. Sorry, I am lecturing you and it is him I want to hector