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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pathetic AI or is DH BU about eating out and spending money

80 replies

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 28/01/2012 13:05

We are not loaded - far from it. We have both just been paid so we have some money but towards the end of the month we are aways fucking skint and our meagre savings are dwindling.

Last week we went out for supper - £40. Next weekend we are going to stay with friends up north and will land up needing petrol money and money for going out. This is obviously on top of a normal month's expenses.

Dh has now suggested we go out for supper tonight. I said no, because we ate out last week and because we are going away next weekend. He got in a huge huff and we landed up shouting at each other. IMO he behaves like a child and does not acknowledge that you have to slow down today to be able to pay for things tomorrow. In his opinion, he may as well not work (!!) because he uses all his money for house keeping and petrol - which at the moment is probably true because he travels so far to work and because my income is quite low at the moment.

But what would happen if we did go out is that he would pay but then would be short of money at the end of the month then I would have to give him money from our savings so that he can get to work. He is so frustrated that there is no money to throw around, but he cannot see that spending unnecessarily is scary for me.

So I do not think that IABU but, how do I get him to see sense? I think he can see it, but refuses to. Any suggestions about how I deal with this? I tried to kiss and make up now because DS started crying with us shouting at each other. DS and DH have gone out now - so they are fine.

Fucking pathetic situation that keeps on rearing its head. If your life is so dull that you have managed to read this far, I would be pleased for some advice..... Should I have agreed to go? Am I too controlling (I think I am sometimes!)?

OP posts:

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 28/01/2012 13:32

Dh and I have a simelar thing.

He thinks that he works hard enough and earns enough that we should be able to go out for dinner once a week and do simple things like take the dh to the cinema etc. and he's right, in theory we do earn enough between us to do these thing but we have to do it carefully.

He doesn't seem to have got his head round the fact that the cost of living and doing the boring things like get grocery shopping and drive to work costs more than what it used to. That, and we still have debts to pay.

I have suggested to dh that we still go out to eat but look at vouchers and do it cheaply. There are loads of vouchers available on the Internet for lots of different restaurants. We have only used a pizza express one once, so I should really take my own advice! But it could help as a compromise.

rookiemater · 28/01/2012 13:39

YANBU, yes life is for living, but it is also nice to know that when you are old you won't have to ask for butchers off cuts for your "dog" and sit shivering in your house because you can't afford heating.

We are somewhat spoilt as a generation ( and I include myself in that) Eating out used to be a rare treat, now its seen as a weekly perogative, agree with cookcleaneretc get yourself the pizza hut deal and you can all eat out very cheaply ( drinks and extras v expensive at Pizza Express so its not so cheap)

CarrieInAnotherTWOBabiTWINS · 28/01/2012 13:49

depends how much you have in savings, if you have only 1k, you really need to keep that by, incase of boiler or car problems etc.

if you have 10kplus in saving s and are scrimping, lighten up a bit

marriedinwhite · 28/01/2012 13:49

I think one can live without spending £40.00 on a cheap supper. DH and I are happy to have a walk along the river, a coffee together and I was delighted that he bought me a bunch of daff buds today for £1.99! They will give me so much pleasure as they open in the kitchen tomorrow.

If you haven't got £40.00 it's madness.

cheekyseamonkey · 28/01/2012 13:51

I think he needs to fucking grow the fuck up. You can't have everything you want, my 2 year old is starting to grasp that FFA!

I'd love to eat out once a week too, or at least get a take away, but we'd have to dip I to savings & that is NOT what they're for IMHO. he might be having a tough time, but he has to compromise.

YANBU

zookeeper · 28/01/2012 13:56

£40 is a lot of money if you are watching the pennies - I wouldn't enjoy eating out for that as I would see it as the money that could be spent on a trolleyload of food. YANBU

BranchingOut · 28/01/2012 21:47

I think that you need to think really carefully about your long term future. What are your plans for this money? Is it to send your DS to university? To fund a pension plan? Or to pay off the last part of your mortgage?

Either way, you need this money to be increasing not gradually being eaten away.

If you are having to dip into savings on a regular basis, by definition you are living beyond your means. Sorry, but you need to take a long, hard look at your expenses and income. Even if you do get a bit more money from childminding, maybe some of this should be being put into savings rather than spent.

blackeyedsusan · 28/01/2012 21:57

you ae not unreasonablke at all. you need to be increasing your savings, not chipping away at them gradually. savings are a buffer for when things are going pea shaped, like now, when income is low. you need to be doing your best to protect savings. spending on luxuries like eating out needs to be cut back. you need the occasional luxury but a trip out and a meal out in one month should be enough. (set a luxury budget then you could eek it out on 4 takeaways or blow it on a trip away)

your dh needs to start taking more responsibility for finances rrather that complaining that he can't spend money and live beyond his means. lving beyond your means is fun now, but when things go wrong and you can not pay your debts it is bloody miserable.

wouldhe sit down with you and discuss it when he has stopped acting like a spoilt teeenager and finished his strop?

StripeyScarf · 28/01/2012 22:05

Compromise
don't go out, get a takeaway

thenightsky · 28/01/2012 22:08

Your savings remaining intact and increasing are far more important than the odd pizza out.

We saved up like mad for carpets for the whole house... 2k. Then DH got made redundant and those savings kept our mortgage paid for 4 months until he get another job.

This scenario has happened 4 times now.

Boy have I been glad of those savings. They have kept our house.

wherearemysocks · 28/01/2012 22:23

I'm also responsible for finances in our house so when I say to dh, 'only essential spending for the rest of the month' then he respects that.

But at the same time like others have said sometimes its just a case of lets have some fun and the credit card comes out. But those times are rare and eating out weekly is a luxery not many can afford and I wouldn't want our savings to be chipped away at just because we couldn't be bothered to cook. If I think we need a treat night then I'll get a M&S dine in dinner thing.

Maybe make him in charge of paying the bills instead and see if he likes trying to balance the books.b

yanbu

skybluepearl · 28/01/2012 23:27

I'm in the saving camp. He could have just bought a really nice pizza from Tescos and ate it by candle light/with music to make it special. All the small savings add up - they really do. Yes you could fritter money away each day and so you have non saved but wouldnt that be really stressful financially? what about saving bigger more enriching/essential things.

skybluepearl · 28/01/2012 23:29

if he is just wanting to get out of the house, a beer in a pub is remarkably cheap. and a late night walk would be free

Bumblequeen · 29/01/2012 00:38

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

BranchingOut · 29/01/2012 09:17

Jeez Bumblequeen, that is tight. Sorry you are in such a tight spot.

FlangelinaBallerina · 29/01/2012 10:50

OP, in terms of income maximisation, would it be worth you advertising your services more extensively? It seems like a lot of people on here talk about there being a shortage of childcare. There may well be someone on mumsnet who's looking for a childminder in your area. You could do each other a favour.

I know this isn't quite what you asked about. But if you have money worries, you can always look at earning more as well as spending less.

Original poster

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 29/01/2012 10:55

Bumblequeen, life's a bit shit sometimes, isn't it? Hopefully things will get better for you soon.

Flangelina, things have been very quiet on the childminding front for some time now due to my studying part time, plus we had to move house in November but fortunately things are picking up. I had been trying to keep a day or so free of kids but I know I have to maximise my earning potential so am going all out to fill my spaces. I had a successful interview last week and have two more interviews on Monday .

OP posts:

TheLightPassenger · 29/01/2012 11:01

I feel for both of you, it is a grind to be skint year after year. But in this situation you were in the right, as you are going out 2 weeks this month, so it's fair enough not to go out last night.

TubbyDuffs · 29/01/2012 11:06

We used to budget our money weekly and then if there was anything left in the pot at the end of the week, we used to use that for a night out.

Can you not try and save some for a night out at the END of the month rather than when you have just been paid, therefore you will both concentrate on making savings in the month. If there is nothing in the pot, you don't get a night out.

freedom2011 · 29/01/2012 11:12

We go out once a month for a meal to a burger place (not a franchise) or a kebab place. It is 25 quid all in. We can't afford more at the moment, so we don't. Things we do instead of going out to dinner

go for a walk/run/cycle always looking for new routes for a literal change of scenery
go for a coffee or in summer we grab an ice cream from the freezer and walk into town and look at the shop windows and other people walking around
dance in our living room
cook something new together - love this
watch a DVD from the library
find a free exhibition or gallery or music

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere good luck with the interviews - I am also interviewing and it is a real rollercoaster especially when you really really need the work/money. Do try and avoid dipping into your savings. Mine are almost depleted and it is not a comfortable place to be. Good luck

learningtofly · 29/01/2012 13:46

I don't think Yabu at all. You went out last weekend, you're away next weekend and youre budgeting to take this into account.

We went out for tea last night (hurray!) and it was lovely but its been our one treat for this month and there won't be any other treats until the bills get paid. Unfortunately being a grown-up sucks at times.

Original poster

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 29/01/2012 14:45

We did go out last night after all. And DH had take aways the night before - in some way I blame myself for the take aways because even though I was home all day and only worked a few hours (aside from major house cleaning!) I could not be arsed to make dinner. So I could have cooked but chose not to. DH leaves for work with the sparrows and and comes back near 7pm so no, I don't expect him to cook when I am at home all day, whether I am working from home or not.

I have started a budget and planned some meals which also stops the going out or take away thing to some extent.

OP posts:

marriedinwhite · 29/01/2012 16:35

I don't understand the need for takeaways. At present Pizza Express Pizzas are 2 for 1, so £4.00 for two at Waitrose. Why would anyone pay £20.00 for the same thing ready heated if they were on a budget? Likewise, Box of Chinese or Indian about £8.00 whereas the takeaway version is about £20.00.

Laquitar · 29/01/2012 16:42

I don't get it either. Not only !£15 more but also big supermarkets have better hygiene standards than the local pizza delivery place.

changeforthebetter · 29/01/2012 16:55

Please don't fritter your savings away. Your DH needs to get his head round the fact that lots of people don't go out for dinner every week. I love meals out and try to have one occasionally, but special occasions only. Spending your savings on such treats is barking mad, really it is. Please lock this money up in some long-notice account (which will probably offer better interest) and have a think about how you can add to it. There's a budgeting tool on www.moneysavingexpert.com to help you work out what is affordable, including treats. Set yourself a limit and stick to it. You should be saving every month too - even if it's a small amount.

I think you know all this and are already being quite adult about it.

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