Pathetic AI or is DH BU about eating out and spending money

[Alliwantisaroomsomewhere]

We are not loaded - far from it. We have both just been paid so we have some money but towards the end of the month we are aways fucking skint and our meagre savings are dwindling.

Last week we went out for supper - £40. Next weekend we are going to stay with friends up north and will land up needing petrol money and money for going out. This is obviously on top of a normal month's expenses.

Dh has now suggested we go out for supper tonight. I said no, because we ate out last week and because we are going away next weekend. He got in a huge huff and we landed up shouting at each other. IMO he behaves like a child and does not acknowledge that you have to slow down today to be able to pay for things tomorrow. In his opinion, he may as well not work (!!) because he uses all his money for house keeping and petrol - which at the moment is probably true because he travels so far to work and because my income is quite low at the moment.

But what would happen if we did go out is that he would pay but then would be short of money at the end of the month then I would have to give him money from our savings so that he can get to work. He is so frustrated that there is no money to throw around, but he cannot see that spending unnecessarily is scary for me.

So I do not think that IABU but, how do I get him to see sense? I think he can see it, but refuses to. Any suggestions about how I deal with this? I tried to kiss and make up now because DS started crying with us shouting at each other. DS and DH have gone out now - so they are fine.

Fucking pathetic situation that keeps on rearing its head. If your life is so dull that you have managed to read this far, I would be pleased for some advice..... Should I have agreed to go? Am I too controlling (I think I am sometimes!)?

If I challenge him then he usually (not always) storms off or screams back - then DS lands up crying and I try to kiss and make up.

No, leaving him is not an option because DS would be beyond devastated.

We can talk rationally, but I have to wait for the right time when both of us are willing to be calm.

You don't necessarily have to 'challenge' him.

First off, with some proactive planning on your part, you can possibly prevent a lot of his asking to do stuff in the first place. If you can meal plan and budget better so that you can afford a weekly cheap meal out, that would solve that battle. If you can keep some good stuff in the freezer for those 'takeaway moments' then they won't be necessary.

Beyond that, if he says he wants to go out and it's too much, just say you don't fancy it. You don't have to get in a big huff about it (although you would have every right to) just say you'd rather not. If he orders food in, say no thanks, I'll just have a sandwich or whatever.

I understand what you're saying about DS being devastated by a split, but it's not good for him to be witnessing these fights between you either. When my parents had such fights when I was little I actually hoped they would split up because it was so awful.

Obviously your DH is to blame here but if you are determined not to leave him then unfortunately it is up to you to try to find some ways to improve the situation, because this does not sound good at all.

Hmmm this is going to be hard to articulate because so much of what you've posted is true to me and my dh but about 18 months ago. After his business went bust, we lost our house, his bank foreclosed and his accounts were shutting down etc. Through him being a director of his own business that was crippled in the recession. Now that part i was fine with, it was common place. But in his ignorant bliss he carried on trying to spend as he had done. Was reluctant to get rid of his costly car and renewed his golf fees on a credit card that was non - refundable!!

I was beyond livid. He still struggles to understand that we cant have it all hence i make him get involved. I task him with finding deals on the things we do need etc. He always wants 'something', a pool table, change car, an ipad but i make him sit down and review it all constantly. Its boring. He hates it but harshly i remind him that its his mess. His mess that i damage limit and control for our dd's future!! Harsh i know but true.

Thanks, Dreaming and TheDoctorsWife. I really do appreciate your input. It is so useful getting a different perspective on things.

TheDocs, fortunately in this instance we are renting so we will not lose our house (cannot begin to understand how hard that must have been for you!). DH also always wants something. Stupid stuff. Like a digital radio for the kitchen so he can listen to the radio when he does the dishes. If he does the dishes once a week that's a lot! He cannot seem to appreciate that some of the STUFF he wants is Not Necessary.

Oh fuck it. I am off to bed. Hopefully I will feel a bit more positive tomorrow.

Another thing you could do re the take aways and drinks is to have a jar and put in £20 in coins if you avoid the take away and have a supermarket pizza instead. This works for some people as it is more visual than numbers on the screen and it gives more satisfaction seeing the jar filled.
Also, paying cash. again it is more 'real' than credit card.

Honestly i would print some awful stories and pictures about take aways, mice droppings, filth etc.